I done TOLD you Darren was tryna ditch me tonight! He left me at the Boardinghouse nappin. Alls I can think is he musta slipped somethin in my bath to relax me this afternoon. I’s mean, somethin other than what he usually slips me to relax me. Anyway, I done slept right through him gettin all dolled up, doin his hair & his eyebrows, practicin his angry vamp face and leavin to go see Stefum & Eleanor.  See that’s what we was spose to do together tonight…go check on Eleanor. See how her teethin was comin along. But no, Blue Eyed Fancy Pants wants to protect me from “all the evils of Mystic Falls”. At least that’s what he said in the note he left. At least he left a note…I done trained him well.

He left some peeled grapes & bourbon too…told me to turn on the TV to some CW channel…that Bonnie worked up some kinda spell so I could sit at home & keep an eye on everybody in Mystic Falls from the comfort of Darren’s bedroom.

He ain’t foolin nobody…I done took my meds today! Tryna make me believe Bonnie could pull off any kinda helpful magic…? He coulda just told me the truth. Clearly this CW network done decided to do one a them reality shows right here in my town!! It’s about time, really…we’s WAY better than them Duck Dynasty freaks…and that Honey Boo Boo mess. That chile needs a stay at the Gralmatore Boardinghouse for Children with Useless Parental Units. I could fix her right up.

At least this is good news for all y’all…you done lucked out! You got me to tell you how things really go down round here! So let’s get on with it…Darren’s on his way home. I gotta run HIM a bath…I’s figure he deserves it. He had a rough night dealin with a bunch a morons. No offense, darlins. Bottom line, if it weren’t  Miss Sarah axin me so nicely to do this here blog I probably woulda said no. I got things to do but she got a way of convincin you to do stuff. It may or may not involve a red room. I ain’t never gon tell.

First of all, these reality TV camera men is good! I’s mean, Darren & Stefum done told me how it feels when you wake up & you’s transitionin (they’s want me prepared in case I decide to turn) but the show really done a good job a capturin Eleanor’s heightened sense a hearin. That scene was done so good I thought Miss Flowers finally showed up to mow the lawn. I was wrong, it wasn’t her so she gon hear from me…the point is that it sounded like the lawn mower was directly in Eleanor’s head. Good job production type people.

Now listen, you’s know I ain’t usually got a problem with Stefum, Eleanor & Darren all together in a bedroom right? Just FYI, it ain’t no fun when Darren’s angry. And right. Just so we’s clear.

Remind me to axe Darren, when he gets home, why Stefum couldn’t save both Matthew & Eleanor with his vamp speed. It don’t make no sense…unless all the people blood is really outta his system so he ain’t as quick?

I’s entirely proud a my boy for holding it together while he dug through the Gilbert cupboards to find Alonzo’s hidden bourbon stash. I’s use “dug  through” loosely….it ain’t seem like he had to look too hard. RIP Alonzo, my ruggedly handsome, furry friend. Love & miss you.

Oh Remy…I ain’t seen him round much lately. Tiki said he been spendin lotsa time in the woodshop behind the Salmatore House. She thinks he been whittling stuff. Which…that can’t be any good…I’s gon have to mention it to Darren. Now, I ain’t know what Tiki’s been doin back there…Bonnie’s warned her to back up off Remy plenty a times and she stays stalkin that boy. I’s gon have to talk to her. Again. Anyway, it’s nice seein Remy tryna take care a his sister.

Well I’ll be!!! All them times Tyson was talkin Britishy stuff to me is makin sense now…Darren & Stefum didn’t explain none a THIS to me. Their main thing was Eleanor. Go figure. But now I see my Klaudius was with me all the time…in a different but equally handsome package.

You know, I ain’t gon lie…when Klaudius reminded Bonnie that he could rip her tongue out…a little part a me wanted to see him follow through. I know that ain’t right but don’t lie!! I ain’t the only one who thought it. Still, it was only for a minute & I done felt bad after. I’s mean, Bonnie’s a nice enough girl most a the time. Except for that settin Tiki’s car on fire thing. And blamin everybody else (mostly Darren) for everything bad that’s ever happened ever. Other than that, she’s fine.

Well shoot…the Mayor AND the Sheriff is both outta they jobs? Maybe I’ll take over for the Sheriff & let Elroy go for Mayor. I’s mean, he already fits the dead mayor’s clothes…I’s guessin those would come with the job? It just makes sense. That’s what we’ll do.

I hope when Stefum said he was gon clean up the kitchen after Eleanor he meant he was gon eat that sandwich. Or a cookie. He could use some meat on his bones. Also, I need to talk to the camera people…I need to see if one a them can make a still picture outta Eleanor laughin herself silly…it ain’t often we get to see her laugh…we’ll ignore the bursting into tears thing afterwards. It’s like she’s VampPMSing.  #Hormones.

I ain’t know how these TV people got footage from forever ago of my Darren confessin his love to Eleanor & puttin his brother ahead a him but clearly they been plannin this reality thing for a really long time. Or, maybe Bonnie DID work some magic (ha!). All’s I know is when Darren cries it hurts my heart.

For the record, if we keep havin all these car accidents in & round Mystic Falls nonstop, car insurance is goin up for everbody…Matthew won’t be the only one who can’t afford it. Not that he has a vehicle to insure anymore… Safety first, kids!

Somethin ain’t right bout Pastor Young havin Eleanor in that secluded farm house all by her lonesome. I’s gon have to have a talk with him bout appropriate interactions with young’uns.

Wait a second…I ain’t got nothin but good things to say bout these camera men but they is ruthless!!! They’s know Curroline & “Tyson” is tryna have a moment and they ain’t back off none at all. And, while I’s appreciate the efficiency with which Curroline got “Tyson’s” shirt off (we can all appreciate that), I’s think I gon have to talk to the two a them bout proper time & place for making sex.

I gotta brag for a second tho…I’s proud a Klaudius for comin clean (so to speak) with Curroline before things got to deep (literally). I believe my father figureness done helped him to not deceive Curroline…after all, good relationships can’t never be built on lies. (I’s lookin at you Stefum.)

You know, Reba is NOT a very nice girl. Ain’t no wonder everybody always wants to keep her locked up in cellars & coffins in ugly dresses with daggers in her chest and/or back. I gon need to find somebody else to watch America’s Next Top Model With. Certinaly  Curroline will join me.

Now how the hell these people done brought Sheila Bennett back?? I remember when I stole her right out from under Dwayne Wayne’s nose. That poor sucker ain’t never recovered from his heartbreak. It was a tragedy what happened to her. Mind you, I wouldn’t have been pleased if she managed to lock Darren in that tomb ‘cuz she NEVER peeled my grapes for me. I guess things always work out the way they’s spose to.

I gon need to give Klaudius some a my meds. I’s mean…I think I get that he’s over bein in Tyson’s body & all…but decidin to tear out your own heart is a little extreme. Specially since Elroy & Darren are the most proficient at heart rippin…from what I hear, anyway. I also need to talk to him bout keepin his shit together round Curroline. I ain’t like seein my girl so upset. She been traumatized way too much already. Don’t worry darling girl…Grandad got you.

Excuse me for a minute, I need to go get my sewin kit ready for when Stefum gets home. I’s gon have to fix those pants for him…they make his ass look great (it’ll be better when he has a cookie or five) so I can’t have him walkin round with bullet holes in ‘em. People’ll think I’s unfit to take care a my boys.

Listen, I need to wrap this up soon. Stefum & Eleanor been declarin they love for each other again & that can only mean Darren’s comin home in a mood. I’s mean, he knew it was bound to happen. All young love plays the break up/make up game until eventually young love totally fizzles out & ends up movin on to a different, real love. Still, it ain’t feel good if you’s on the outside lookin in on the “makeup” part a that.

So, I gon have to have candles & bourbon ready for him with his bath. And a toothbrush. Looks like Darren still got some a Matthew stuck in his teeth. I gon have to talk to him bout not chewin on the few remainin humans in our life.

I gotta say, I’s glad I always been on Darren’s good side. On ALL his sides, really…but, my point is, I can’t believe them “guards” done fell for the unconscious vamp bit. Darren’s a pro. They ain’t got no idea. Still, I gon have to have talk with him bout not stabbing people through they chests with guns. While I’s suriously impressed, it’s not very nice.

I hope one a you is makin a list of all the people I need to have talks with bout stuff. I know I ain’t go remember and some a this is important!

Oh! Look at Stefum gettin all bossy with Matthew…I love it when he gets like that.I think Matthew does too. They should go bowling together.

I’s happy for Darren finally gettin a chance to call Eleanor out on her “choices being hard to keep track of” and tellin her finally he gets how valuable her life was & that THAT’s why he woulda saved her. I’s mean c’mon…she couldn’t have forgot that he said he would ALWAYS choose her….right? Anyway, my boy’s growin up. It brings a tear to an old man’s eye.

Okay, I really gotta go.

Before Darren gets home I gotta see if I can track down Klaudius. My poor crumpet done had a bad night too and that evil sister a his made it worse…it was prolly still wrong for him to snap her neck but I can’t worry bout that…she’ll be okay. For now, I need to give my boy a hug and find a way to soothe his soul. Or something.

I hope Stefum & Eleanor is off that roof before Darren gets home. That ain’t the best place for they reunion if they’s wanna be discreet. Poor Darren been thru too much tonight. He ain’t need to hear that. Ain’t nobody need to hear that.

Anybody seen Elroy?

(Editor’s Note: After the comments made it apparent that this post was controversial among our readers, I decided to address it here.–SB)