You guys, it’s the finale–I don’t even have any pre-game in me, there’s so much to cover.  So let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Come on, supernatural creatures.  Don’t you have anywhere better to meet up than at the setup for a high school graduation?  Like, I don’t know, a bar?  A cellar?  A … where else do they go in Mystic Falls?  Also … why is the mic just turned on, and why does Kol need a mic to talk to like … twenty four people, not all of whom even showed up?  But you know, this is just the first of many, many … MANY questions I’ll have during this episode, and these rank fairly minor, so let’s just … not, shall we?

Oh my god, Lexi and drunk Stefan dance party to Bon Jovi!  Yaaaaay!  Well, Stefan’s more doing The White Man’s Overbite on the couch, but I think it counts, because it looks super fun and Stefan is finally the fun one and Damon is the worried one, which proves once and for all that Elena’s type is just whoever sucks the most at a given moment.  And good god, Stefan killed me with the hero hair line, which of course is the title.  Such a Damon line, actually, but expertly delivered.  Snark looks good on you, Stefan!

Do you guys think Bonnie’s body is starting to stink yet?  Jeremy started to stink.  Just saying.

Speaking of Jeremy, I LOVED the scene with Jeremy, Alaric, and Elena eating sandwiches and giving each other shit.  And everyone was so happy!  We don’t get a whole whole lot of that on this show, so when we do, it’s fun and nice.  And then Elena, of course, gets teary-eyed and buzzkills the whole scene, as usual.  And then she beat the dead horse that she just buzzkilled by talking about her fucking feelings.  So much eye roll.

I’m not real sure how much I’m going to discuss the vampire hunters, at least in the beginning parts.  They were pretty much just hanging out and fucking shit up, and that’s about all that needs to be said about it for now.  Except for the fact that Rebekah’s caveman boyfriend’s hair was hilarious, and also?  Do you guys remember how last week I made an Encino Man joke?  I, NO SHIT, saw an Encino Man thing happening on the streets of downtown St. Petersburg.  It was probably just some recreationally homeless hipster, but he had the gross Encino Man hair, and he was like a little skinny fat and walking around with no shirt on, only plaid shorts and shower shoes, and he paced the street I was on like four times, and the only noteworthy thing he did, besides completely entertain me with his whole persona, was pause to pull a cigarette butt out of an ashtray on a sidewalk table and try to smoke it.  Hee!  I felt like it was the universe’s little gift to me. Read the rest of this entry »

Well, you guys know how thrilled I get at the very THOUGHT of anything backdoor-related when it comes to Vampire Diaries, but you also know I’m not super into the idea of a spinoff, mostly because I want the Originals to stick around Mystic Falls.  After this episode, my feelings are slightly more mixed than I would’ve expected, which we’ll discuss.  But first, I didn’t recap last week because I had tickets to a dirty puppet improv show (and it was really fun, I recommend it if you can ever make it happen). So before we move on to this week’s episode, I’d like to just briefly discuss last week’s, if that’s cool.

Of course it’s cool!

Anyway, my feelings about the last week are probably also pretty predictable.  Jeremy was pretty, Caroline was goddamn fucking beautiful, KLAUS AND CAROLINE!, Stefan at prom was Teh Sex, Rebekah is the best crier of all time, and OH YEAH, I am so super fucking pissed that they kept cockteasing me with killing Bonnie!  Listen.  I know they’re doing this to me on purpose now (and throwing in a side of Almost Dead April?  EXTRA mean), and it’s BULLSHIT AND NOT FUNNY!  Ugh.  ANd it’s not like I even think it’s really going to happen at this point, and something about that pisses me off EXTRA.  But I’m getting derailed.

So, as for the potential spinoff.  New Orleans is just pretty much inherently cool, and there’s so much fun potential for weird characters and music and so forth, and I actually REALLY liked Marcel, and a good power struggle is always pretty great.  It looks like they’re setting Elijah up to go to the spinoff, and Rebekah maybe to stay in Mystic Falls, at least for now.  I’m not sure what they plan on doing with Caroline, since they clearly gave us the sassy blonde Caroline replacement, but then Klaus called Caroline and said he just wanted to show it all to her, and that was sweet and adorable.  And, let’s get real–Caroline would probably be better used on a show like that.  It’s like they don’t know what to do with her in Mystic Falls if there isn’t a dance.  And let’s also be honest–if Klaus and Caroline are together on a new show, I’m probably going to end up watching that show. Read the rest of this entry »

Ya know, honestly, it’s like the CW doesn’t even care about March Madness.  Which, okay, usually I don’t either.  But Indiana is still in it and they’re playing tonight, so I am going to be writing this post as I watch–pure reaction!  The episode description tells me we get both Katherine AND Elijah, so I have high hopes.  Let’s do it!

Whoa, Elena and Rebekah definitely got a car upgrade!  And Elena is still into girls, AND now she’s drinking hoes on the street in broad daylight?  AND everyone is cool with it?  I am so confused.  Maybe I should shut up and watch.  Maybe this post is going to end up being like watching a really complicated movie with someone who just DOESN’T GET IT.  God.  I hate that person.

OH.  So Katherine is just doing some fancypants compulsion.  Yeah.  I should definitely just shut up and watch.

STEFAN AND DAMON HAVE GAS!!!!!  HEE!!!!!  (I am in third grade.)  AND OH GOD, he is putting it in the rear!  HoYay!  Damon and the car!  Dar forever, my OTP!  (Also, I just got WAY too excited way too early on, because while Klaus was feeling up the scar on his back, I for sure thought Elena was sticking her fingers in a gash.  I’m sorry, I am gross.  But also, would that not have been amazing?) Read the rest of this entry »

HUGE thanks to Bethany for covering for me last week!  That Bitch Amy was in town and you know how she is, always demanding my undivided attention and shit.  Can you believe her?

So, how about the cold open this week?  I kind of loved it, and up to and including the part where Damon killed the girl, it felt VERY Supernatural (and, okay, probably more accurately, “Hitchcockian”)–letting the violence happen off-screen and your mind fill in the blanks.  I mean, it was still OKAY when Damon killed the guy, but there is an awful lot of head moving when these vamps kill people and I just feel like … how much sucking can you really do while shaking your head that hard?  (That’s what she … OR he … said.  And wow, shit just got real rapey up in this bitch for a second.  Sorry ’bout that.)  Anyway, I am willing to forgive a lot for a non-Civil War flashback, and the 70′s will do nicely.  PLUS … “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads?  Yes.  YES YES YES.  The music in this episode was great.

If this episode is trying to win me over with Caroline drinking leftover beer out of red solo cups a la Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles while Klaus’s OCD is on full display (commenting on how unsanitary it is?  Hilarious!), well, it’s working.  And I loved, LOVED when Caroline told Klaus to go away and then looked just a little afraid that he would.

Ugh.  Bonnie and Humperdink.  Gross.  Even if he’s Silas … gross.

Oh yes, I forgot to comment on Elena’s new hair.  Tres JWoww, is it not?

Aaaaand Lexie.  Man.  The writer’s regret killing her, huh?  Well, I yelled at my TV not to, so don’t blame me.  Read the rest of this entry »

So, you know how last week I told you that if this week sucked ass I was going to give myself the week off?  Well, that was a good plan but there was a flaw–I do not yet know if it sucked ass because I haven’t watched it yet.  I went to a hockey game where the Lightning lost and there was only one fight that wasn’t even that interesting, except for that one second where a guy got punched in the face.  Anyway, I am just going to recap as I watch it for the first time, so I won’t know what’s coming and might say stupid things, but at least we’ll get to talk about it!

Alright, so Jeremy WAS wearing the ring.  He still looks pretty dead, though.  Ohhhh … and now we get that since Jeremy was a hunter, he was supernatural and the ring wouldn’t work anymore.  Again, because this show just pretends that geography doesn’t exist, they have taken him from a remote island in Nova Scotia to what I presume is Virginia (in spite of a complete lack of accents), but I have no idea how much time has supposedly passed.  And I’m definitely not a doctor, but … is he going to start to smell soon?  And isn’t Elena suspicious that he hasn’t woken up yet?  Or is that all part of the weird and/or non-existent space-time continuum on this show?

Damon’s eyes vampire flaring when he heard something stirring was cool.  Sometimes I feel like this show forgets the predator aspect of vampires a little bit.

And fabulous.  Jeremy and his nipples are dead, but OF COURSE Bonnie lived.  And so did Humperdink, and they are alone together in the woods.  I’m not sure where the closest Walgreens on the island is, but I’m sure wherever it is, there is a CVS on the opposite corner, so Bonnie needs to just pick one, go in, and get herself a morning after pill post haste, because I would not trust this molester with an underage unconscious vagina for one single second.  (Oh god, I just had a vision of how many horrible blog hits that’s going to land us.)  Oh snap!  Bonnie’s gonna black magic (racism not intended) Jeremy back to life, isn’t she?  Last time he saw ghosts … what will we get this time? Read the rest of this entry »

You guys, I just … I can’t even.  Not right now, not with this.  Like, this episode was boring as shit.  It was WAY more boring than last week, which I was not expecting.  And I don’t even know what I want anymore.  There was a little action, some Klaus and Caroline, a few pictures with Jeremy’s Nipples™ photobombing … Katherine showed up, Damon got put in a leash and collar (one step closer to IS’s Fifty Shades dream, no doubt), and I was STILL BORED.  I mean, seriously, for the love of god when everyone is crawling around in tunnels and falling into holes and I couldn’t even be bothered to make HoYay! jokes.  WHAT is going ON here?

So don’t expect much from me tonight in the way of recapping.  And I swear, if next week is this lame, I’m taking the week off.  Isn’t February supposed to be a sweeps month?

Let’s just do this the easy way.  This is a laundry list of my issues with this episode:

• The whole episode was just, “We’re about to find the cure!” which has been the whole season, followed by the following three sentences repeated ad nauseum in no particular order.  ”There’s only one cure!” “Did you know there was only one cure?” and of course, “Would YOU take the cure?”  And while I’m glad we’re finally acknowledging that everyone has been making a lot of stupid assumptions about the cure, I don’t necessarily think that we needed 45 minutes to discuss that one fucking plot point.
  
• Everything just felt like … been there done that, ya know?  Klaus and Caroline fight, he’s kind of good, he threatens Tyler, Tyler has to leave town.  I feel bad for Michael Trevino and Candice Accola, because they were both SO GOOD in that scene, but they have GOT to be getting sick of performing it over and over.  And like, Jeremy died.  Well so what?  he has his ring on, right?  Or is this like some sort of mystical rock paper scissors shit, where ring beats vampire but super old immortal guy beats ring?
• And speaking of that … immortal is immortal.  And yet somehow on this show, Originals are more immortal than vampires, and this guy is more immortal than Originals.  I just … no.  Not tonight.
• But back to been there, done that.  Bonnie bleeding out on the floor?  THEY’RE NOT GONNA DO IT.  Everyone knows this, and at this point, they’re just pissing me off.
• And finally … I don’t know what is up with this Originals spinoff, if it’s a done deal or just a backdoor pilot at this point, but I’m really not into it in terms of like, another show I’d watch, and it’s also interfering with me watching this show because I feel like I can’t get invested in their storylines at all.  And I was just starting to get excited about where things were going with Klaus and Rebekah, so that’s too bad.
• And also … why doesn’t Caroline just go with Tyler?  Not that I want her to, but … you know?  Why doesn’t she?

I was going to say some stuff that I liked … like Joseph Morgan’s face and Bonnie wondering how she and Jeremy were the ones who got that far, and of course, Katherine … but … I don’t know, I just don’t feel like it.  PLEASE, show, if you’re listening, please pick up the pace.  That’s all I’m saying.

What did you guys think?  Again, am I being too harsh?  Or is anyone else starting to get bored with this story arc?

FINALLY, someone with better flashback than present hair!  Turns out, shaggifying Humperdink significantly deHumperdinks him.  That sentence had almost no real words in it.

I wasn’t super enthralled with this episode, except, of course, for the Caroline parts.  But that’s to be expected, since it featured a shitload of Elena with a heaping side of self-righteous Bonnie.  So let’s just all get through this together.

You know, I worked at Grand Teton National Park one summer, and there’d be all these bitches getting off the (okay, tiny) airplane wearing hiking boots and carrying Gucci bags.  I had a flashback (where, btw, my hair was FAAAABULOUS) when I saw them all climbing off their little inflatable boats.  I’m pretty sure they took them all the way to Nova Scotia from Mystic Falls.  Sigh.  The geography of this show …

Did they ever explain how everyone can see Jeremy’s tattoo all of a sudden?  And how hilarious were all the super closeups of Jeremy’s nipples?  They were so hard!  THO!  Stefan’s nipples were WAY jealous.  They were like, hey!  We used to be the stars of this show!  And how would you like to be the tattoo artist that drew the tattoo aaaaaalmost to Jeremy’s nipple?  You know they wanted to really involve the nipple, kind of like those tattoos where a belly button is used as a butthole?  Yeah, it’s a thing, google it.  But then I bet shit got awkward and Stevie McQueen was like, BITCH THAT’S MY NIPPLE!  And the artist was like, And?  And then he was like … that’s third base!

Or at least that’s where I went in my mind instead of listening to Bonnie telling the stupid witch story.  Sometimes I just want to really shake this show, like really just grab it by Jeremy’s nipple, get its attention, and be like, “NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT WITCHES!”  I mean, seriously, they don’t.  Bonnie is everyone’s least favorite character AND The Secret Circle was cancelled.  I mean, granted, that was because it was totally stupid and Lux is terrible, but how many more ways can we say it?  It’s the VAMPIRE diaries.  More ripping hearts out, less giving vampires me a headache. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, holy shit, that line made me laugh out loud.  Well done, Show … well done.  And naturally, the Current Bad Salvatore gets the funniest one-liner.  Gotta love the consistency!

So, huge thanks to Nicole for covering for me totally last minute last week.  I had some family stuff I had to deal with and I confess that I didn’t pay the best attention last week, although I caught enough of it.  But also if I’m keeping it real, I’m not trying REAL hard to keep up with all the nuances of who’s double crossing whom, because everyone is double crossing everyone.  And most importantly, I was not so distracted that I didn’t notice that these fucking assholes just had TWO EPISODES IN A ROW with no Caroline.  What in the actual fuck?

Alright.  Now, we begin the episode with Stefan having sex regret to the tune of what I believe to be a sassy Adele song (as opposed to a sappy Adele song, because those are the only two choices).  And Klaus is very creepily lurking outside Rebekah’s door like a goddamn weirdo.  How long do you think he’d been there?  It’s all very reminiscent of Taco listening in on Jenny and Kevin having sex on The League, only somehow MORE gross, which actually takes some doing.

Where does Klaus keep his daggers that Kol can just come in and swipe them like a pack of baseball cards from his big bro’s room?  The soapdish?  What is WRONG with these people? Read the rest of this entry »