Vampire Diaries

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You know, I’m not sure if I should thank the show for lobbing up these softballs for me to use as titles, or if I should be lamenting the lack of a challenge.  Probably the former.  I’m lazy.

Man, you guys.  In spite of a failed plot to bring Bonnie back, I am not crazy about how this season is going now, and I actually thought the writing in this episode was … pretty terrible.  I know.  I’m as shocked as you are.  I understand that there are going to be episodes that are just info dumps, but there was SO MUCH of that here, and it was all clunky as fuck.  Shit like, “Damon would never put anyone’s life before me!” and “Oh, Stefan, your instinct has always been to protect me!” or “Have you never met me?  I, Bonnie, Bonnie who is dead, would never let my friend, Elena, suffer!  I’m dead!”  And PLEASE let us not forget Ketsia’s weird half-story about the travelers.  This show has always been so good at half-telling a story and misleading the audience, that for someone to come out and say they were doing that was … ugh.  And EVERY SINGLE COMEBACK had the same tone.  I think the only person it actually worked for was Damon, so the writer probably wrote most of it in his voice.  Sigh.  Tragic.

That doesn’t mean there weren’t parts that I enjoyed.  They were vastly outnumbered, but they were there.  Let’s do the bullets! Read the rest of this entry »


I mean, come on.  We all knew that was going to be my title, right?

Well, I’ve gotta say, after binging on TVD and pretty much totally enjoying it, I was not into this episode.  But let’s start with the good, so once things take a turn, you can just stop reading and skip all my bitching.  (Although if you’re skipping my bitching, I kind of wonder if you’ve been here before.  Bitching is kind of my thing.  Me and the whole internet’s thing, that is.)

So I stand by my decision to not refer to Ketsia as Tessa, because it’s fucking stupid and no, but I do kind of love the actress playing her.  I feel like she’s bringing the batshit insane in the best possible way, you know?  They’ve given her a lot of stupid crap to do and she’s doing it in a convincing and entertaining way.  I feel like I need to award her The Shiva for how awesome she’s been.  And suddenly, I’m wondering how much crossover there is between fans of TVD and fans of The League.  In that particular Venn diagram, I may actually be the only person in the overlap.  I can handle that.

I also loved Tyler, as always, because I feel like Michael Trevino was a real find and can do a whole lot with not much screen time.  Of course, I was annoyed with his whole storyline, which does fall into the category of bitching, but I get that they needed to do a Caroline and Tyler break up (although, did it HAVE to follow a marathon fuckfest?).  It seems like they may be moving him over to The Originals, which I assume will piss off some fans (of The Originals, most likely), but I think that’s a better place for him.  The werewolf story has really moved over to that show, and again, I think he’s a really underrated actor.  Maybe The Originals can find a way to make better use of him.

And that … was about it for the good.  And so, in no particular order, the bad.  (And we all totally agree that there’s no ugly on this show, right?) Read the rest of this entry »


Editor’s Note: This was scheduled to go up this morning, but due to website maintenance, it’s a little late.  A recap of this week’s episode will go up tomorrow morning, as (theoretically) usual. 

Ugh, god, you guys.  Here I said I was going to be covering TVD religiously this year, and then I miss what, two, maybe three weeks?  I am THE WORST.  In my defense, it is the most amazing time of year in Florida right now, and suddenly everyone wants to visit so I have been running around playing hostess like my name is Caroline Forbes.  I think the majority of that is over now, though, so I should be back to normal as far as my schedule goes.  I just caught up on everything I’ve missed, and wanted to do a quick little post to catch us up on everything so far and to prepare for this week’s episode.

Oh, but first, The Originals.  You guys, I was literally two or three episodes behind on EVERY SINGLE TV SHOW I WATCH.  I don’t know if I can convey the magnitude of this statement.  EVERY SINGLE ONE!  I got close to caught up this past weekend, but The Originals is still on my DVR and I WILL watch it, but for now, I think it’s unrealistic to think that I can keep up with it as regularly as TVD.  Still, I may check in on it occasionally, or someone else may wander in and want to write about it, but I have heard good things and can’t wait to watch it.  But if you can, please try not to spoil me on it.  Thank you!

Okay.  Here are my thoughts, in no particular order, because really … are they ever in order anyway? Read the rest of this entry »


Hey everyone!  In case anyone missed it on Twitter, I did say I’ll be regularly recapping TVD this year.  There was just too much sadness out there when I said I wasn’t going to, and after a summer off, I feel refreshed and ready to tackle it.  That said, I can’t necessarily promise that I’ll NEVER be late with it, but I shall do my best.

The other thing that I just don’t know yet is how things are going to shake out for me with TVD and The Originals.  I’ve been saying all along that I don’t see myself watching both, but after this week, I still don’t feel ready to drop either.  I will say that while I enjoyed having them both on the same night and I can definitely see the benefit in that, I’m sort of glad they’ll be on different nights going forward.  ALTHOUGH, that means The Originals will be on Tuesdays, and seriously, FUCK THAT.  When did all the TV networks get together and decide that all good TV would be on Tuesday, and somewhat on Thursday, but that they would really load it up on Tuesdays so that I can’t even DVR everything I want to watch?  Assholes!

Anyway, I’m going to touch on both shows this week and it’ll probably be all over the place, as usual, but we’ll just see how it goes.

Let’s start with The Originals.  As far as I could tell, they used a significant chunk of the episode that aired last season in TVD as a backdoor pilot, but added stuff and made it more pilot-y.  And more Elijah-y.  And I really liked both of those things.  It occurs to me that Klaus and Elijah strike somewhat of a Salvatore-esque balance between Elijah being polite, level-headed, and generally in possession of people skills, while Klaus is a total hothead.  But unlike Stefan, Elijah is a badass on levels that just … transcend.  I mean, Elijah ALWAYS makes an entrance.  Like, he makes a FUCKING ENTRANCE, y’all.   Read the rest of this entry »

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You guys, it’s the finale–I don’t even have any pre-game in me, there’s so much to cover.  So let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Come on, supernatural creatures.  Don’t you have anywhere better to meet up than at the setup for a high school graduation?  Like, I don’t know, a bar?  A cellar?  A … where else do they go in Mystic Falls?  Also … why is the mic just turned on, and why does Kol need a mic to talk to like … twenty four people, not all of whom even showed up?  But you know, this is just the first of many, many … MANY questions I’ll have during this episode, and these rank fairly minor, so let’s just … not, shall we?

Oh my god, Lexi and drunk Stefan dance party to Bon Jovi!  Yaaaaay!  Well, Stefan’s more doing The White Man’s Overbite on the couch, but I think it counts, because it looks super fun and Stefan is finally the fun one and Damon is the worried one, which proves once and for all that Elena’s type is just whoever sucks the most at a given moment.  And good god, Stefan killed me with the hero hair line, which of course is the title.  Such a Damon line, actually, but expertly delivered.  Snark looks good on you, Stefan!

Do you guys think Bonnie’s body is starting to stink yet?  Jeremy started to stink.  Just saying.

Speaking of Jeremy, I LOVED the scene with Jeremy, Alaric, and Elena eating sandwiches and giving each other shit.  And everyone was so happy!  We don’t get a whole whole lot of that on this show, so when we do, it’s fun and nice.  And then Elena, of course, gets teary-eyed and buzzkills the whole scene, as usual.  And then she beat the dead horse that she just buzzkilled by talking about her fucking feelings.  So much eye roll.

I’m not real sure how much I’m going to discuss the vampire hunters, at least in the beginning parts.  They were pretty much just hanging out and fucking shit up, and that’s about all that needs to be said about it for now.  Except for the fact that Rebekah’s caveman boyfriend’s hair was hilarious, and also?  Do you guys remember how last week I made an Encino Man joke?  I, NO SHIT, saw an Encino Man thing happening on the streets of downtown St. Petersburg.  It was probably just some recreationally homeless hipster, but he had the gross Encino Man hair, and he was like a little skinny fat and walking around with no shirt on, only plaid shorts and shower shoes, and he paced the street I was on like four times, and the only noteworthy thing he did, besides completely entertain me with his whole persona, was pause to pull a cigarette butt out of an ashtray on a sidewalk table and try to smoke it.  Hee!  I felt like it was the universe’s little gift to me. Read the rest of this entry »


Alright, y’all.  First things first–this is quite a bit later than I was hoping, but the episode was SO good that I wanted to make sure I gave it its due.  I want to tell you that next week will be better, but I really can’t promise you that because my parents will be in town, and who knows what shenanigans those crazy bitches are going to involve me in?  But it’s still possible, so … don’t tell me I don’t keep the mystery alive.

Anyway!  Let’s get started.

OH WAIT!  Before we begin, impromptu drinking game!  Take a drink every time someone says “drop the veil”!  You’ll be fucking wasted.  And seriously, I never want to hear that phrase again!

I love the opening scene.  Not because of all of the stupid Elena/kill Katherine bullshit, mind you, but because Stefan is pretty awesome.  I just realized how much I’ve missed him this season.  I know how I always bitch about how Caroline is underused, but he really has been too, all year.  And I know the Ripper act is hard to follow, and this is the Elena season (gag me with a spoon … dipped in white oak ash), but you remember how good he is when you see him there with Elena, and she’s back, and her humanity is turned on, and it’s not at all what he was expecting, nothing like he was hoping for.  It’s disappointing, or maybe just underwhelming, and he is PERFECT and conveying it.

Is Elena wearing an off-white blazer?  Tres 9 to 5 of you, Elena.  Bringing the shoulder pads back.

Ah, Katherine.  Being a fucking bitch about the shoes SHE chose to wear AND calling Bonnie creepy!  Can we please reiterate … KILL ELENA!  KEEP KATHERINE!  Plus, she hates Bonnie almost as much as I do, so, bonus.

This scene in the hospital is really cracking my shit up.  I mean, first of all, “see for yourself”.  Um … how about a simple yes or no, Lizbian?  And secondly, just … the artful posing of the bloody, Christlike patient/victim.  There’s no police tape, and it looks like he was just peacefully eaten.  How polite.  And third, the decor in that hospital room.  I haven’t seen that much pink and oak in one place since my grandma’s house.  Also, I find it hilarious that two seasons equals on year on this show, and yet they have a full moon like every five seconds.  But these are things I’ve promised myself to never think about.

Bonnie has so many witchgasms in this episode that it must be acknowledged.   Read the rest of this entry »


Well, not gonna lie, folks.  I had my issues with this episode, none of which, I’m sure, will come as a huge shock to you.  But we’ll get there.

The first thing that I insist on pointing out is that the little cute bottle that Caroline brought blood in for Elena?  TOTALLY a Cracker Barrel maple syrup bottle.  Love.  AND more proof that I need to work in the props department on this show.  Second thing I insist on mentioning … I want to see Klaus ruffle Caroline’s perfect feathers, please!

Evilena is such a verbose dickhole.  I am sick of her talking already, and we are barely five minutes into this.

You know, speaking of dickholes, Matt is kind of being one to Rebekah.  But then, she’s also kind of being one to him.  Apparently, everyone in this town has cycled up and this is the week they all got their period.  Anyway.  I get the Rebekah attraction to Matt, and I get his aversion to her, and I see where this is going, but this storyline needs to either move or get lost because it’s starting to get tedious.  I thought we were past this after she cured April or whatever.  And also, thank you, Show, for the big reveal that Matt is poor as fuck.  We all already knew that, because hello, TWITTER.

The Salvatores WOULD choose to torture Evilena in front of a huge, mostly red curtain in front of a window that totally looks like a stage.  It’s all just so dramatic and … GAY, really.  And the flair with which Stefan flings open the curtain?  Good god.  I hope his eventual sashaying out of the closet has as much style.  But then Evilena goes and opens up the curtain herself, and catches fire, and it is SO much drama that no wonder this bitch is their favorite hag.

I feel like I need to start writing a spoof series/the series I really want to be watching called Gay Vampire Diaries. Read the rest of this entry »


Well, you guys know how thrilled I get at the very THOUGHT of anything backdoor-related when it comes to Vampire Diaries, but you also know I’m not super into the idea of a spinoff, mostly because I want the Originals to stick around Mystic Falls.  After this episode, my feelings are slightly more mixed than I would’ve expected, which we’ll discuss.  But first, I didn’t recap last week because I had tickets to a dirty puppet improv show (and it was really fun, I recommend it if you can ever make it happen). So before we move on to this week’s episode, I’d like to just briefly discuss last week’s, if that’s cool.

Of course it’s cool!

Anyway, my feelings about the last week are probably also pretty predictable.  Jeremy was pretty, Caroline was goddamn fucking beautiful, KLAUS AND CAROLINE!, Stefan at prom was Teh Sex, Rebekah is the best crier of all time, and OH YEAH, I am so super fucking pissed that they kept cockteasing me with killing Bonnie!  Listen.  I know they’re doing this to me on purpose now (and throwing in a side of Almost Dead April?  EXTRA mean), and it’s BULLSHIT AND NOT FUNNY!  Ugh.  ANd it’s not like I even think it’s really going to happen at this point, and something about that pisses me off EXTRA.  But I’m getting derailed.

So, as for the potential spinoff.  New Orleans is just pretty much inherently cool, and there’s so much fun potential for weird characters and music and so forth, and I actually REALLY liked Marcel, and a good power struggle is always pretty great.  It looks like they’re setting Elijah up to go to the spinoff, and Rebekah maybe to stay in Mystic Falls, at least for now.  I’m not sure what they plan on doing with Caroline, since they clearly gave us the sassy blonde Caroline replacement, but then Klaus called Caroline and said he just wanted to show it all to her, and that was sweet and adorable.  And, let’s get real–Caroline would probably be better used on a show like that.  It’s like they don’t know what to do with her in Mystic Falls if there isn’t a dance.  And let’s also be honest–if Klaus and Caroline are together on a new show, I’m probably going to end up watching that show. Read the rest of this entry »


Ya know, honestly, it’s like the CW doesn’t even care about March Madness.  Which, okay, usually I don’t either.  But Indiana is still in it and they’re playing tonight, so I am going to be writing this post as I watch–pure reaction!  The episode description tells me we get both Katherine AND Elijah, so I have high hopes.  Let’s do it!

Whoa, Elena and Rebekah definitely got a car upgrade!  And Elena is still into girls, AND now she’s drinking hoes on the street in broad daylight?  AND everyone is cool with it?  I am so confused.  Maybe I should shut up and watch.  Maybe this post is going to end up being like watching a really complicated movie with someone who just DOESN’T GET IT.  God.  I hate that person.

OH.  So Katherine is just doing some fancypants compulsion.  Yeah.  I should definitely just shut up and watch.

STEFAN AND DAMON HAVE GAS!!!!!  HEE!!!!!  (I am in third grade.)  AND OH GOD, he is putting it in the rear!  HoYay!  Damon and the car!  Dar forever, my OTP!  (Also, I just got WAY too excited way too early on, because while Klaus was feeling up the scar on his back, I for sure thought Elena was sticking her fingers in a gash.  I’m sorry, I am gross.  But also, would that not have been amazing?) Read the rest of this entry »


HUGE thanks to Bethany for covering for me last week!  That Bitch Amy was in town and you know how she is, always demanding my undivided attention and shit.  Can you believe her?

So, how about the cold open this week?  I kind of loved it, and up to and including the part where Damon killed the girl, it felt VERY Supernatural (and, okay, probably more accurately, “Hitchcockian”)–letting the violence happen off-screen and your mind fill in the blanks.  I mean, it was still OKAY when Damon killed the guy, but there is an awful lot of head moving when these vamps kill people and I just feel like … how much sucking can you really do while shaking your head that hard?  (That’s what she … OR he … said.  And wow, shit just got real rapey up in this bitch for a second.  Sorry ’bout that.)  Anyway, I am willing to forgive a lot for a non-Civil War flashback, and the 70’s will do nicely.  PLUS … “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads?  Yes.  YES YES YES.  The music in this episode was great.

If this episode is trying to win me over with Caroline drinking leftover beer out of red solo cups a la Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles while Klaus’s OCD is on full display (commenting on how unsanitary it is?  Hilarious!), well, it’s working.  And I loved, LOVED when Caroline told Klaus to go away and then looked just a little afraid that he would.

Ugh.  Bonnie and Humperdink.  Gross.  Even if he’s Silas … gross.

Oh yes, I forgot to comment on Elena’s new hair.  Tres JWoww, is it not?

Aaaaand Lexie.  Man.  The writer’s regret killing her, huh?  Well, I yelled at my TV not to, so don’t blame me.  Read the rest of this entry »


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