I decided after watching this that I needed a full 24 hours to digest the finale and the truth is, I’m still not sure I have.  I feel like when we took Billy to his first Brazilian steakhouse and he ate ALL THE MEATS and then for the next few days said it felt like he was pooping a sweater.  Which, obviously, is indescribably gross, but he also really fucking loved the Brazilian steakhouse, so I guess the sweater was worth it.

Okay, everything that happens next in this post is going to be spoileriffic, so if you haven’t seen it, don’t read on.  I’m not even going to wait for the jump because there is something that I need to talk about SO BADLY, so this really is your final warning.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.  Tara is dead!  And I swear to ceiling cat, she better goddamn stay dead or I’m outta here!  You can’t mess with my heart like that.  I’ve been begging for Tara’s death since at least Season Two, and a bullet to the head SHOULD do it.  If Sookie has magical fairy healing powers, I’m gonna be SUPREMELY pissed.

Also, Debbie is dead!  We finally had the shotgun in the kitchen scene (if you’ve read the books), and man … it was BRUTAL.  I wasn’t really sure Sookie was gonna do it, but it was awesome.  So this means that in the last couple episodes, we’ve killed Tara, Debbie, Tommy, Jesus, and Marcus.  Merry Christmas to me!  Seriously, Alan Ball, are you reading this blog?

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So this episode was FUNNY, y’all!  Overall, I’d say it wasn’t quite as solid as last week’s (if only because of the return of fucking fairies, OH MY GOD), but highly entertaining.  The line I chose for the title won mostly because of Lafayette’s delivery, but there were several close seconds, including:

• Fuckin’ Sookie!
• Do not tell me you’d put our entire species at risk for a gash in a sundress!
• Don’t go all lost-in-nature retarded!
• That ship has fuckin’ sailed.
• We are in a world of fucked up.

Is it too early to declare this the best episode of the season?  It might be, given the hilariously-awesome-yet-also-super-badass pleather-riffic scene there at the end.  BUT I have to say, I was genuinely entertained the entire time, and I didn’t get annoyed once, by anyone, including anyone on my “Must Die” list.

Speaking of which, someone on mu “Must Die” list finally did!  And that was Tommy.  And it was really good–kind of funny but mostly just pretty emotional and touching.  Sam has had a really good season, and I guess it’s been sort of good for Tommy too, if not in terms of acting, then at least in terms of story.  Not that the acting was BAD, just that Sam was so awesome.  Still, I thought Tommy was awesome tonight, not too over the top (well, the gurgling sounds were a bit much, but since he wasn’t on screen for that, we really can’t pin it on him), and he broke my heart a little when he said there ain’t no heaven and hell is a dogfight.  GAH.

Nonetheless, I still think it was a good time for Tommy to go, and it clearly kicked the Sam and Marcus rivalry into high gear.  Oh, and speaking of Marcus, I’m pretty confused about why Debbie is totally about to bang him because hello, DOWNGRADE.  I don’t care how boring Alcide is or how alpha Marcus is, he talks like a high school stoner (which is to say, how a high school stoner thinks they SHOULD talk), he’s little, and he looks capable of committing a hate crime.  At the very least, his hair is a hate crime against humanity.  Oooooh, Alcide wants to be a lone wolf.  BFD!  You go do your wolfpack thing and come home and fuck the shit out of Alcide, or whatever, and he never even has to talk!  Problem solved, right?  Seriously, how do you go from Alcide to COOTER to Alcide to MARCUS?  I mean, I think we’ve all had one person who was too hot for us, right?  And one person who really wasn’t hot enough for us?  But I mean, that is some EXTREME fluctuation.  Most people don’t have THAT much variation from their ugliest catch to their hottest catch, RIGHT?  Surely.

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Oh, Alcide.  That is pretty much always the question on my mind.

So this week, we get reminded for the first time in like three seasons (not really, but … kind of) that Sookie is a telepath and can read minds.  And it comes in handy occasionally!  I was starting to think that her only mystical power was dream nympho.  Although I’ve gotta say, if someone KNOWS you can read minds, it seems like it wouldn’t be that hard to trick you.  So I still find Debbie suspect, and I’m surprised Sookie doesn’t.

Meanwhile, Tara’s use of Sookie’s talents made more sense.  So that is ONE thing that she’s gotten right, and only one thing.  As always, fucking Tara has made a horrible decision that she doesn’t realize until she’s asshole deep in her own stupidity.  But the thing is, it’s never fun as a viewer.  It’s always just like … can THIS be the time that we finally fucking kill her?  And it never is.

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You know, I increasingly find myself thinking, “I could really wait for this show on DVD.”  Anybody else?  I still enjoy True Blood, but I’m also kind of … meh.  I just kind of feel like nothing new is really happening, which is weird, because they’re way off the book now, and I should feel like it’s ALL new.  But for some reason, not so much.

Now that said, there was one truly good WTF moment, and that was when I thought Jessica might’ve actually killed Hoyt.  I was relieved that she didn’t (see last week’s discussion on ladyboners), but it was an intense couple of seconds there at the True Blood party.  But that made their actual breakup maybe harder for me, and I realize that Hoyt and Jessica are STILL my favorite part and best reason for watching the show.  In hindsight, the first breakup was so Jessica-centric, which made sense, because it was her dream.  It was Hoyt begging her to stay, being pathetic, taking the blame for everything, and saying he was sorry for calling her blood shit–which, by the way, I thought was a really nice touch, because it showed how much she’s still holding on to that, which is so real. And of course, if she just KILLED Hoyt, there’d be no messy post-breakup to deal with.

But the reality was what made the actual breakup scene so devastating.  He was completely pissed at her, lashing out, blaming her, and taking cheap shots at her eternal virginity and his mom being right about her.  That was hard to watch.  But the thing that really broke my heart?  Was Hoyt telling Jessica that he deserved more than someone who could look at all the love he had to give and say, “Nope, not good enough.”  WORD, Hoyt, and we’ve all been there.  It’s sad to think of how many regrets you can have over your first love, and how you treated them, and know that you were wrong–like, really, really WRONG, and then in Jessica’s case, have to live with that forever.  That SUCKS.

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Okay, so you guys know that last week, I was unable to watch due to technical difficulties, so I’m catching up this week and doing a kind of combo post.  Also, this is because my brain gets things mixed together on a show like this and I won’t have any idea which came from which episode anyway, SO.

Let’s just (muff) dive right in, eh?  I forget why Pam is on Tara’s ass … something about the witches, no doubt, but she has just been reunited with her lov-ah, and now Pam is wanting to kill them both.  And this is the episode where I realize that I have no fucking clue what Tara’s girlfriend’s name is.  So I’m just going to go with Yellowfin, which is what Pam called her, and which I found to be hilariously racist with sexual overtones.  And as you know, that’s pretty much my comedy sweet spot.

Also, I liked how all the people standing around snapping pictures and talking about selling them to TMZ made Pam get serious about fixing up her rotting face.  That’s the kind of nice little touch that this show does well, that kind of brings shit back to reality and lets you picture how this would really be in the real world.  It’s pretty awesome.

Plus, Pam’s skin getting ripped off?  GROSS.  All the shots?  GROSS.  And her new purpley skin?  SUPER GROSS.  I bet the special effects makeup person had a fucking BALL with her this week.

So Pam was out and about because Bill had a moment of compassion for Eric and all his requests, which … compassion doesn’t seem out of Bill’s character, but requesting the true death for Eric in the first place kind of did.  Eh.  I’m not going to worry about it too much.  All of this led to a graphic sex romp in the woods between Sookie and Eric, and then a sex montage where they do a sex somersault into the living room (from OUTSIDE, mind you), and then there was the from behind move (or was it just what what in the butt?), and that led to my favorite moment of the night, which was:

Me: What, no 69?
Billy: It wasn’t her time of the month.

HEEEEEEE!

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Alright, guys–not a super thrilling episode, even though there were some great moments.  It was more an exposition type of episode, so I’m not going to spend a ton of time on this one, and save up my juice for next week.  Oh, and I missed the first few minutes, and I find that I really need my theme song fix to get in the mood.  God, best theme song EVER.  But it sounds like all I really missed was Tommy killing his parents, and so basically, whatevs, y’all.

I did, however, make it in time to see Terry and Arlene decide to get an exorcism for their house, since Terry temporarily convinced Arlene that they have a poltergeist.  And I would like to state for the record that if this is how all exorcisms go, I NEED TO GET ME ONE OF THOSE.  Hilarious.  And so awkward.  I was not so excited to see Lettie Mae again, but I did enjoy Arlene saying “you people”, the horrifyingly cheerful singing, and Terry’s amazingly badass jacket.  I want to buy Billy one.  Glorious.  Sadly, I also saw them fucking in front of Devil Baby, and I’m on Devil Baby’s side here–if my parents were fucking in front of me, burning down the house would be on the softer end of the Spectrum of Consequences™.  Team Devil Baby.

In other Characters Who Are More Minor Than I Wish They Were news, Lafayette’s hair actually managed to look more terrible this time.  Um … Kris Kross called.  And yet … my lady boner continues for Lafayette, unlike most of the other dudes on the show at this point.  Is anyone else kind of ready to kill Jesus now?  I mean, not the real Jesus–Boyfriend Jesus.  Don’t want to get struck by lightning.

OH!  And speaking of Jesus … when he started talking about how his grandpa, and how on his ninth birthday, his grandpa was like, come out here, I’ve got a present for you!  Did anyone else think his grandpa was going to whip out his dick?  Because for real!  I thought we might actually see our first wiener on this show, and if it is anyone’s grandpa’s … I’m gonna be pissed.

Oh, what else?  Well, let’s just go on with characters I wish were dead.  I was hoping that Alligator Tommy was going to eat Andy Bellefleur, because I am totally over him.  And fucking Tara, man.  She comes over to Sookie’s house, eats all her damn ice cream, throws a hissy fit and bails.  I wish this was her final farewell, but I’m sure she’ll be back to bore me/cry another day.  Sigh.

That reminds me … my friend Kyle correctly pointed out that now that Tommy killed his family members, he’ll be able to be a skinwalker.  I’m thinking somebody’s gonna be donning Maxine Fortenberry’s hefty meatsuit any day now.  How Norman Bates, right?

And the only other real minor news was Portia coming over and trying to convince Bill that fucking your descendant is an awesome idea and totally cool, but he shut her down with some glamouring.  And Bill was a real glamour machine this week, also ascertaining that Denim Jumper really doesn’t know how to reverse her Eric and Pam spells.

No, I lied.  One more.  Alcide got a visit from the Shreveport packleader, who is mad that Alcide is a lone wolf (hardy har).  Alcide made him leave, and I’m sure we’ll never see or here from him again, and everything is totally fine.

Now for the Oh, Shit! moments.  Well, sort of.  Sookie is actually falling for Eric.  Not so much Oh, Shit! as … awwwwww.  How adorable.  Godric had a totally weird cameo, and Eric discovered that he’s usually a devious asshole who has caused Sookie a lot of grief, and Sookie’s dead grandmother told her not to fall in love with Eric, but in between all that, there was a lot of cute and sweetness.

Oh, Shit! moment number two?  Pam spilling the beans on where Eric is hiding out.  Say it with me!  OH SHIT!

But the number one Oh, Shit! moment?  The one that made my entire True Blood party make the same horrified noise at the same time?  That would be the Jason dream, where suddenly, he was fucking Hoyt!  WHAT!  Actually, that was probably more of an OMFG moment, in actuality.  Amazing.  SO WEIRD.  I can’t even handle it.

Alright, that’s it for me.  Like I said, not the most thrilling hour of my life, but I expect next week will deliver the goods.  What did you guys think?  Favorite moments?  Hilarious lines?  Do you think alligators really do like marshmallows?  Comment time!