Get it?  Because that speech totally went down in DC.  I think.

Anyway … listen.  I am just so fucking glad this fucking shit storm of a season is over, and by the law of Top Chef every-other-season, we can start looking forward to next year.  This episode took three people I could give a shit about and added three former winners, two of which I am utterly uninterested in and one of whom is one of the biggest assholes this show has produced (three guesses), and I just could not have cared less.  I barely watched any of it, although I did watch the dessert part with some interest, and … boring spoiler alert!  Kevin won.  I don’t even care.  The real Kevin should’ve won last year.  This Kevin is, in the words of Avril Lavigne, “like, so whatever.”

And we’re done.  Whew.  I really didn’t think we were going to make it there for awhile.

You know what?  I SO don’t want to be doing this.  But we’ve come so far, right?  And there were one or two mildly amusing moments during this snoozefest, so I’m gonna go on ahead and make this as short as possible.

Okay, the first and most important thing is that the guest judge in Singapore was WEARING A SHIRT WITH AN OUTLINE OF A GUY WITH A WEINER ON IT.  What the FUCK?  I mean … at what point in your life do you think, “I’m going to be on American TV, what shall I wear?  Oh, I know!  My shirt with a prominently featured cartoon dick!”  Are you fucking serious, guy?  However, I must thank him for this.  Otherwise, I would’ve been catatonic before the winner was announced.

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UGH.  I am so sick of this fucking season that I once again forgot I had to watch it tonight and once again, when reminded, I cussed a blue streak.  I mean, I’m kind of always cussing a blue streak but this one was ANGRY.  Billy asked me recently why I’m still even bothering to blog about it, and you know, it’s a good question–mostly out of habit, but also because I’ve committed to it this far and I know next season won’t be this awful.  So, that said, let’s get this goddamn fucking bullshit out of the way, shall we?

The Quickfire was making a dish to pair with wines, and it was a snoozefest.  Kevin was getting the loser edit, Angelo won the QF and a trip to London, and we find out the finale will be in Singapore.  I will take back everything I’ve said about this season if one (or more!) of these bitches gets flogged.

The Elimination Challenge takes place at NASA, where they’ll be making food for astronauts.  I doubt they can top the astronaut ice cream of my youth, and mostly this challenge made me think about two things: first of all, that me and Billy REALLY want to make it to see a shuttle launch before they retire it (we’re going to make a point of that), and yes I DID spend a good chunk of the episode surfing NASA’s website for times on when we can make that happen, and secondly … dude, Buzz Aldrin is EVERYWHERE lately.  What’s the deal?  Did he run out of money?  Is age turning him into a fame whore?  Seriously, what is UP?

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Here’s the thing … I truly could not hate this season anymore than I already do.  Because right now, I am like maxed out on hate.  If I hated it any MORE, it would start to be funny and I would kind of enjoy that.  Kind of like how I hate/love Life Unexpected, you know?  But this?  Terrible.  I know that if tradition holds, next season will be good, but I mean … it seems like the judges are unimpressed, Padma’s not even trying to be hot anymore (my notes called her dress in the QF “a curtain … a CHEAP curtain”), and it’s like we’re all just suffering through this shit together.

And I mean, they try to make the cheftestants seem funny and likeable, but it’s too little, too late.  Ed in Tiffany’s yellow dress should’ve been funny, but I was so meh about the whole thing.  But do you guys know how excited I’d be if Kevin had worn a dress last season?  Hee!  I get happy thinking about it.

It wasn’t hard to see that Amanda was getting the loser edit all episode, and maybe deservedly so because the second I heard about tuna tartare at a baseball park, I puked.  Still, Angelo was getting the crazy edit big time, so maybe the editors are starting to openly hate this season along with the rest of us.  I mean, his candlelit chef shrine?  Oh my GOD.  And I love Amanda for giggling over his weirdness.  I could be friends with Amanda, and that is saying a lot for this shit show of a season.

Anyway, the Quickfire was food idioms, and loving puns as I do, but like everything, I was meh about this too.  I mean, it’s kind of cool to have your food become a Schwan frozen dinner, mostly because my grandma used to order from the Schwan man and everything he gave her was delicious, and a special treat.  But I don’t know if these bitches are really worthy of the Schwan man, you know?   Although I would eat Amanda’s mac and cheese, minus the pork chop, which just seemed … weird.

Also, sidenote, did anyone catch Selena Gomez on Jimmy Fallon the other night?  I think it was a rerun, but anyway, she gave him “Texas popcorn” where she poured Tabasco and salt in a bag, shook it, and dipped the popcorn in pickle juice.  And it looked AMAZING.  I want to try it.  Has anyone heard of this?  God, maybe we need Selena to go on Top Chef.

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Full disclosure?  I totally forgot Top Chef was on tonight.  And I swear to god, if Billy didn’t have such a huge fucking crush on Padma, I’d probably just put block this miserable season out entirely and take a mulligan next season, but if he were a schoolboy he’d have pictures of Padma under his mattress (shit, maybe he does now, I don’t know), so I’m stuck with it.  Still, I found this episode more tolerable than most of the ones leading up to it, largely because I thought the Elimination Challenge was creative and made sense with the DC theme.  But I’m getting ahead here.

The Quickfire was high stakes (which, again, made sense in Vegas but not so much in DC), and Tiffany won it, but you know … the whole mystery box is pretty lame.  But you know what’ll blow your mind?  It’s a total ripoff of Chopped which is kind of a ripoff of Top Chef, so is Top Chef indirectly ripping ITSELF off?  Somebody pass the blunt, I need to ponder this one.

OH, but before I got off on that weird tangent, I was going to say that Angelo commented that his beard fiancee lives in Russia and he lives in New York.  Uhhhhh … what?  I honestly had no idea that the mail order bride business was still going strong, but okay.  Do you think she’s like Ryan Gosling’s fiancee in Lars and the Real Girl?  I hope so.  I like imagining that.

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I’m going to make this quick because Wednesdays are kind of the Thursdays of summer TV, meaning everything seems to be on on one night, and I’ve got lots of writing to do.  Plus, this episode was, largely, boring as fuck AND boring as shit.  The Quickfire was the tag team cookoff, and I have almost literally nothing to say about it.  In an effort to make it more interesting, Nancy Pelosi was the guest judge, and that was about as exciting as you’d expect.

And then we got to Restaurant Wars.  Sigh.  This is usually such a highlight of the season but when you just hate the cheftestants and everyone is such a dud, it’s hard to care.  And I’ve never felt that way before.  I mean, even WITH the Every Other Season Theory, the casting of this season has been epically bad.

The teams stayed the same from the Quickfire, with Kenny and Angelo opposite each other as per usual.  The red team put Alex in front to get him out of their hair, and the blue team put Kelly out front, which seemed like a good choice.  The entire episode seemed to set up Alex going home, but that of course isn’t how it went.

Also, I liked how he brought back the damn pea puree this time, and couldn’t even get the meat on his “own” plate right when describing it to the judges.  Seriously, how much drugs has that guy DONE?

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Let’s discuss how much time I am NOT going to spend on this recap because there are so many things in life I’d rather do, such as sleep.  Still, I like to be consistent in my bitching and my OCD doesn’t allow me to skip a week; however, my Gen X slacker attitude DOES allow for half-assing.  Thanks, my generation!

Okay, so does anyone else think that an hour and a half is a pretty long fucking time for a Quickfire?  Remember when this shit was 20 minutes and everyone was running around in a state of panic and disarray like they just watched their own mother get murdered and they would revert from humans back to animals and start like gnawing open a can of beans with their teeth or something?  Those were the DAYS.

Anyway, they had to make Ethiopian-inspired food, which I know absolutely nothing about.  The editors made a big show of various people calling Alex incompetent and then him not being able to get the lid on his pressure cooker.  And continuing in the homoerotic Quickfire tradition, Kevin told us that he just wants to be on top, no more bottom.  Tiffany ended up winning it, and that was just the beginning of everything coming up Tiffany.

Also, at some point during the picking of the countries, Billy turned to me and said, “I would bet my bottom dollar that Alex has a computer full of kiddie porn at home.”  Hee!

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Well, by now I think you all know that I totally and completely hate this season of Top Chef; HOWEVER, the Quickfire was probably my favorite thing to happen all season and I find it unlikely that it’ll be topped until all these bitches are outta here.  Seriously, they are like whack-a-mole assholes–you get rid of one and three more pop up and taunt you.

Anyway, you may wonder what I found so enjoyable about a QF about toothpick food.  Why, the gayness, of course!  I’m not even going to waste time discussing the return of Top Scallop and instead skip straight to where I saw Ed’s umbrella stacked full of meat, and typed in my notes as Billy simultaneously said, “Thankfully that senator is used to having long sticks of meat in his mouth.”

I mean, I know that I got myself in the homoerotic mind state, and I had the giggles about it, but I like to think that the progressive gayness of the senator’s commentary speaks for itself.  Let’s look.

First, during the tasting phase, he said, “Mmmmmm, meaty!” to Steven’s.  Then, when choosing the three bottoms and three tops (sorry, couldn’t resist), it went like this:

• Alex, it was kind of a lot of flavors going on and I didn’t enjoy it especially.
• Ed, I liked the look of it more than the taste of it.
• Kelly, I thought it lacked a little flavor.
• Kevin, you were the first item I tasted and I thought about it all the way around the group.
• Angelo, Wow … [it] was like fireworks in my mouth.
• Steven, all I could think of when I saw yours was, wow there’s a lot on that stick, I really enjoyed that.

Fucking outstanding.

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