“You have a booger. Want me to get it?”

WHAT THE FUCK SUITS?! Guys, I’m so not happy right now with my 1b favorite show (Happy Endings is obvs 1a) after last night. I told y’all if they killed Grammy there would be no coming back from that for me, even though I knew it was coming from the beginning of the season. I guess my threats just don’t hold as much power as I thought they did. Sure they brought Donna back to lessen the blow of the worst offense they could do to me but guess what? IT DIDN’T WORK. Grammy was seriously my favorite character and that one little interaction between her and Harvey was not enough. I NEEDED more. Specifically, I needed drunk Grammy and  Harvey trading embarrassing Mike stories and then having secret inside jokes to hold over him. I will be grieving this loss for years I’m telling you. Not since Dr. Greene’s passing in the Hawaiian peacefulness have I been sad to watch the next episode because I know they won’t be in it. Well, at least they won’t be alive in the next episode. This includes a lot of character deaths from LOST.

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Me sinking this ball into that hole is just an euphemism for later.

So Suits last night, guys. Pretty fucking good, right? We got Donna back, my beloved Tanner made a couple of appearances (if it’s wrong to love him then I don’t want to be right), and we got to see Harvey dressed down. Those were just the highlights, at least for me, in an episode that was near perfect as Harvey’s fraud case went to mock trial in order to try to limit the fallout as much as possible. While it could have easily fallen into self-contained mundaneness, the writers capitalized on a chance to explore Harvey as a character in relation to his job and how others perceive him. We KNOW that Gabriel plays the character with swagger and arrogance but last night, thanks to Gabriel’s superb facial acting, we saw Harvey express something we never see from him. Humility. Seriously, Gabriel’s acting last night should be passed around Hollywood as a PSA against botox.

What really made last night’s episode stand out was that we saw Harvey show weakness. Harvey is a lot of things but weak is not typically one of them. However, he was last night and that vulnerability definitely played out with Donna. Y’all that interaction nearly ripped my heart out. You know they care about each other, but when Donna called him out for not fighting for her like he fought for Mike…GAH it was heartwrenching. Their relationship is one of my favorites so to see it start to crumble kills me. I have a theory though. Harvey WOULD fight for Donna like he did for Mike if he knew how to win. Harvey obviously wants nothing more than to have Donna back but he doesn’t know how to fix it and that scares him.

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As if there was any other opening image I’d use here at OffcolorTV. It speaks for us.

Well guys, it’s our first post-Donna episode and it was pretty good but you could definitely tell the Donna dynamic was missing from our band of merry men. Really I have mixed feelings about this episode, “All In,” because on one hand I liked it a lot and on the other I was kind of ‘meh’ about it. I truly think it was because Donna was MIA. That fiery redhead knows how to work a scene. Anyway, it was obvious Harvey missed her as well as everyone else in the whole office. Heck, even Louis called her! I will say it was very interesting to see how Harvey reacted in an office setting without Donna there. And the way he refuses to replace her! Can we all say, ‘Awwwwwww!’ together?

Okay enough about Donna missing because I’ve still got an entire episode to talk about which involved TUXES, ballet, and Harvey giving the bird. Yeah, that’s right, Harvey gave the middle finger salute to his opponent this week which has solidified this show and its writers as my favorite EVER. Well, sort of. The Happy Endings crew still holds the number one spot in my heart for a slew of reasons but don’t worry Suits crew you’re only a millimeter behind them after pulling off that stunt. I especially love how you tried to make it inconspicuous by showing it at the bottom of the frame. Way to help USA give FX a run for their money in the edgy department. Sorry, I couldn’t help being an asshole for a second. It just comes naturally. Just know if you get slapped with a fine at all, I’ll pitch in $5 because I really did love the ‘fuck you’ salute.

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*inserts saddest break up song ever*

Soooooo… Y’all, I don’t know really where to begin with last night’s episode, “Break Point.” It was truthfully a little boring to me but that could be because I was still on a Tanner high from last week. Still, up until the last five minutes (we’ll get to that in a bit) or so I had to fight with myself to stay focused on what was going down on the screen. All the things that we love about Suits seemed to be scaled down to almost non-existent this week. You know, less pop culture references, sarcastic dialogue, and bromance undertones. That was scaled down but if I had to take a gander at why I would say that it was intentionally done to set the mood for an all important event at the end. All in all, it was an average episode as far as Suits episodes go. It could be described as a filler episode that sets up the second half of the summer season. However, if the previews for next week are any indication, this show won’t stay average for very long. It’s going to be full steam ahead it looks like for the SS Harvey & its crew.

Now that my feelings for the episode are known, let’s talk about what actually happened in “Break Point.” First order of business-the case of the week. This week we had a tennis prodigy looking to be emancipated from his father because daddy wasn’t letting him turn pro like he and his (possible?) agent wanted. Mike took lead on the case after telling Harvey he cared what happened to the kid and his father and didn’t want their relationship to suffer. Mike was hellbent on getting them both what they wanted without going the emancipation route. Yeah, that lasted a whole five seconds after Andre Agassi 2.0 lied to our own boy wonder saying that he needed to be emancipated from his father because his father abused him. Mike, being young and wet behind the ears still, believes his client and wins the case but only after the fact realizing that he had been played by his client and the client’s agent. Don’t fret, Mike stole a page from Harvey by confronting the agent, tearing the emancipation paperwork up so it couldn’t be filed, and stealing a fry to boot. Stay badass Mike. Look, this case was just kind of ridiculous and it seem it was created just to give Mike something to do while Harvey is off battling his past and the invisible Tanner. I don’t know. I just wasn’t a fan of it so let’s move on.

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Supply closet?

AND we’re back! After taking a week for the the Fourth of July holiday here in ‘Merica, Suits has returned to our TVs and the break has only proven just how much stronger it has become in its sophomore year. Last night’s episode, “Discovery,” was by far my favorite of the season for a slew of reasons. I’ll get to those reasons eventually but the biggest reason has to be because Travis Tanner (aka Danny Tanner’s deviant illegitimate spawn who never got to experience Papa Tanner’s weekly moral lesson spiels) returned to entice Harvey into a clash of the slickest hair in the city. Y’all, I make no qualms about my undeniable love for Tanner. He might be a scumbag with unscrupulous morals but I’ll be damn if Eric Close doesn’t play him with such fucking smarmy perfection that I’ve caught myself missing him multiple times since his introduction last season. But enough about Tanner for now because we’ve got an awesome episode to discuss. Shall we?

As just discussed, Harvey and Tanner are heading into the Thunderdome for round two but that’s only part of what went down this week at Pearson Hardman. Louis, yes Louis, got substantial airtime this week when he cashed in a bet he won with Harvey and requested Mike’s assistance for the duration one case. Why Mike? Well, Louis, with his chipmunk detective senses, could deduce that Mike has become a pawn piece in the game of chess that is the Pearson Hardman power dynamic after Hardman requested Mike’s help for a case. Or it could be that Mike has just become THAT girl. Stop letting them degrade you like that Mike! Anyway, Louis straight up lied to Hardman and said he couldn’t give him Mike because he and Mike had been busy on some Smart Water type false claims cases for a month now and he just really needed him. Thus the whole cashing in on his won bet for Mike. Of course Harvey doesn’t go for it at first because Mike is his person but after Mike fondles the vinyls without permission AND bad mouths some of pop music’s finest, like Hanson and The Spinners, Harvey allows Louis to have him as punishment.

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It really is big, isn’t it?

You guys, Suits was REALLY good last night. That statement seems like a ridiculously obvious observation because this show is always good, BUT last night’s episode, “Meet the New Boss,” was, what I considered, one of their strongest ever. I don’t know if I’d give it their best episode; however, it’s definitely top three material. The fast-paced and quick-witted dialogue we love was there, the case flowed seamlessly in with the forefront drama, all the characters had really good storylines that progressed their development, and endless Harvey and Mike friendship flirting was abound. All the components that make Suits one of the best shows on TV right now were there, so how could we not love it?!

Really guys, I’m still in shock that I get to recap two of the best shows there are for you. I just love them so much!  Also, if Suits doesn’t win a ton of awards this upcoming awards season, I’ll call shenanigans and demanding a recount. By the way, what’s the process of getting ‘Best Bromance’ on the docket for the Emmys and Golden Globes? We KNOW Gabriel and Patrick would sweep that category. Shall we send pineapples to make it happen? Y’all procure the pineapples, I’ll start the Twitition now.

ANYWAY, enough of me playing footsie with the Suits folks. Y’all know I could go on and on all day about how much I loved this episode; but, how about we shoot the shit about what happened while I continue talking about how much I want to go to third base with it?

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Here, try this. I hear it's supposed to make your spunk taste good. *wink, wink*

Okay, this recap is going to be short and sweet because I am beyond exhausted. That doesn’t mean I love our boys any less, but that my brain is incapable of forming lots of coherent sentences at the moment. Like right now I want to basically write: “There were hot guys, an ugly bowtie, badass Donna, and pineapple. The End.” Instead, I’m going to power through and try to dig a little deeper for y’all since we have to talk about interoffice romances and territorial warfare which is pretty much the same thing, right? If you disagree then you’ve never worked in a restaurant which are notorious for incestal relationships. Seriously, a whole anthropological study could be done on the dating habits of restaurant workers and how it affects the delicate social ecosystem that everyone works within. It can be called, “Dipping One’s Hot Dog in the Special Sauce: A Study on Work Romances within Restaurants and How it Influences Political and Social Relationship Boundaries between Staff Members.” It’d be a fascinating read I’m sure.

Alright, enough rambling on my part. Let’s do this. This week’s Suits episode, “The Choice,” had a lot of decisions to made in it. Mike had to make a choice about Rachel, Harvey had to make a choice about whether to stick to his guns or do what others wanted, and the rest of Pearson-Hardman have to make a choice about which parent they want to live with. As you can see there were a lot of decisions that had to be made but we’re going to start with Mike and Rachel.

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Still the greatest Microsoft Paint masterpiece I've created which is appropriate for the greatest bromance ever.

THE GREATEST BROMANCE ON TV IS BACK! No Happy Endings hasn’t made an unexpected return this summer, I’m talking about that other epic bromance that we fell in love with last year. That’s right Harvey, Mike, and the rest of the Suits gang have returned for what is sure to be an epic season two. That is if the season premiere is anything to to go by. Seriously guys, it was SO GOOD. I don’t know if I can type out coherent thoughts to explain how much I loved the season two premiere, “She Knows.” Before we dive into the gush fest that is to be this recap, let’s take a stroll down Lover’s Lane, *ahem*, memory lane I mean. So what happened in season one?

Well, Mike was scamming the bar exam (or was it the LSAT?) until Harvey, aka the flyest motherfucking lawyer in NYC,  decided to take him under his wing and hire him as his law practicing prodigy minus a law degree which, you know, is illegal. Throw in a little fooling around with co-workers and best friend’s ex-girlfriends, a skinny tie or two, hair product, deception of bosses, and can openers and you’ve got season one of Suits in a nutshell. Oh yeah, Mike might totally up the creek without a paddle going into this season as his best friend Trevor may or may not have ratted him out to Harvey’s boss, Jessica. Also this happened:

Shirtless Mike.

And this too:

Harvey in a henley. Sorry HBC is on vacation and I’m just not as good as she is at finding hot shirtless man gifs.

Now that we’re caught up on what Misters June and July of the USA Network’s Hunks on TV Calendar were up to last season, shall we discuss if Mike is no longer the Mike to Harvey’s Ike? Speaking of which, I have a feeling Mike is a strawberry and Harvey is a lime… flavor that is. If we were comparing to actual fruits, Harvey would be some exoctic shit like star fruit while Mike would be a McIntosh apple—not too plain but unique enough that you have to go to special stores to find them.

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Here’s the story of a man named Brady …Sorry guys I couldn’t help it. Motherfucking Mike Brady (Gary Cole) was on Suits last week and I couldn’t help but wish he still had that awesome fro. In reality, he played a character so anti-Mike Brady that I was kind left feeling empty and lost inside. I kept hoping he’d sit Harvey and Mike down for valuable life lessons about sharing Pop-Tarts and including kids that are different from them at playtime. Don’t get me wrong, they got life lessons alright but not the kind Mr. Brady would have approved of.  Or he might have. I always suspected Mike Brady’s architectural job was a front for a ponzi scheme or heroin trade. I mean how else could a man support a wife who doesn’t work, six needy ass kids with no life skills, and a maid who never seemed to do her duties. I dunno, maybe I’m over analyzing here. Oh well.

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