Previously on Ringer: I compared the writers of Ringer to the people in The Hurt Locker in basically the most insulting way possible.  I’m a nice person.  Oh, also, we found out that Hunky Sponsor is the one who keeps getting hung up on by Siobhan and that Bridget was going to have an ultrasound.  We did not find out that Gemma is not dead.  But she’s totally not.

This week: We start on the dreaded ultrasound and we learn that Bridget isn’t pregnant (which we already knew) and the doctor explains away the pregnancy using medical terms I also learned watching ER (second ER shout-out in as many weeks).  As always, it’s good that the universe is unwittingly helping Bridget in her big scam.  Bridget gets sympathy from Andrew and Juliet, aka the Busty Zygote, and it’s another moment where SMG is really soaring above the level of the material.

Malcolm calls Bridget and she comes to visit him in his seedy hotel room, which kinda looks like it’s overlooking 1950’s Los Angeles.  Must be a neighborhood in New York I’ve missed.  Malcolm tries to get Bridget to go with him, but she explains her awesome plan about throwing Bridget under the bus (her clichéd words, not mine) for Gemma’s totally-real murder.  Malcolm seems about as enthusiastic about her plan as I do.  Before they part, he gives her the six-month chip she earned.  By the way, if you’ve been paying attention, that means this scene is happening three months after the flashback in last week’s episode.  If you haven’t been paying attention, it means the same thing, but it also means that you had to go back to the recap you wrote last week to figure this out.  (You guys all write Ringer recaps too, right?)  And then credits shorter than the amount of time we all spent believing Gemma was dead.

Read the rest of this entry »

Previously on Ringer: I made a joke in the title of my recap and some people on the internet thought I was spoiling the episode.  Apologies for that.  I really thought about calling this one, “What the fuck, Ringer?” but then I realized I’d end up calling every recap that.  Oh, also, Logan Echolls showed up to probably bed Juliet, the Busty Zygote (TM Bethany in the comments section), and Bridget, playing Siobhan, tried to frame Bridget for a murder which we all agree totally didn’t happen.  Plus I got a week break from Ringer; thanks, CW!

We begin with a big group of press asking Henry about the missing Gemma.  Apparently this is now a huge story in New York; evidently Occupy Wall Street is getting way too much coverage.  Andrew and Bridget watch the news about this on TV and talk about how it’s terrible that Henry is being railroaded for this crime (WHICH DIDN’T HAPPEN!).  It’s tough out there for rich people, guys.  Anyway, the cops show up and they want to talk to Bridget (whom they believe is Siobhan) about Bridget and her involvement in Gemma’s disappearance.  Before she can be taken down to the precinct, Bridget calls somebody (her hunky sponsor?  Or does that guy only know her as Siobhan?  Two weeks and not caring make me really forgetful) and says she really screwed up.  But twist!, the cops want to talk to Andrew too since Gemma called him last.  Ah, another example of the show telling me things I already know and acting like it’s a surprise.

At the police station, VICTOR MACHADO is running the show.  Do this, don’t do that, and so on, with standard police talk.  Andrew and Henry get interviewed by cops and are shown a picture of Bridget.  But they say it’s Siobhan, of course.  Wait!  No!  They both say it’s Bridget!!  What the…?  And then credits that go so fast they break the sound barrier.

Read the rest of this entry »

Previously on Ringer: I threatened to quit recapping this show, and yet here I am.  I’m like the anti-VICTOR MACHADO, never willing to leave too early.  Oh, also, Gemma accepted that Bridget is impersonating Siobhan, we were all supposed to believe that Henry killed Gemma, which he totally didn’t, and tension was defused far more times than I can count.  And I can count really high.

This week we begin with Bridget putting Juliet to bed, where I’m sure she’ll have horrible nightmares about going to GASP! public school.  As the child of two public school teachers, let me be the first to say thanks for that, Ringer.  Meanwhile in the Butlers’ apartment (did we know that was their name before that?), Henry’s cleaning up after some event and they’re continuing to try to convince me that the (Henry) Butler did it, (and by “it,” I mean killing Gemma).  Still not buying it, Ringer.  And then opening cred–, oh wait, they’re finished.

Bridget tries calling Gemma the next day, and again we get her “don’t be boring” message.  Her message should really be, “Hey, it’s Gemma.  Have I mentioned my husband is cheating on me?”  Juliet is about to leave for school and we get to hear more disparaging remarks about public school.  Delightful.  Juliet gives Bridget her stash and Bridget has to be disturbed by the sight of narcotics.  This moment is brought to you by the 1980’s war-on-drugs.

Read the rest of this entry »

Previously on Ringer: I cursed the show for being boring for 59 minutes and then becoming interesting in the last minute, thus forcing me to keep recapping it this week.  Oh, and the Siobhan storyline was much more exciting than the Bridget one, and not just because SMG-Siobhan wore an awesome, low-cut dress.

This week, we’re on the way back to Manhattan from the Hamptons and Germma’s disappeared.  Yeah!!  Oh, wait, we’re flashing back to the Gemma-Bridget fight.  Boo!!  So what are we going to do with all that tension from last week?  Nothing.  Gemma didn’t believe her and walked out.  Great job, show.  Anyway, Bridget and Andrew come back to big face apartment, but the big face has been defaced by the word “WHORE.”  That seems wrong.  Siobhan is rich, so “SLUT” would be much more correct.  And I assume there were credits next, but I blinked and missed them.

We’re back at big defaced apartment and the most terrible song ever is playing.  Juliet has had a big party and we’re seeing the remnants of it.  Hey, teenagers who read this recap, here’s a tip: when your parents are out of town, don’t get a keg for your party; it’s much harder to transport and hide if they come back early.  Anyway, Andrew thinks they should all go back to therapy, and if that means I have to hear Andrew and Juliet talk about their feelings, I’ll go with Juliet and say no.

At Gemma’s place, she’s watching home movies of the two couples at a New Year’s Eve party.  Henry returns home and tries to figure out if Siobhan confessed the affair to Gemma, but Gemma plays amateur sleuthing with the video and realizes that Siobhan has some sort of weird scar or something under her wrist that Bridget doesn’t have.  So this many episodes in and the only person who’s figured any shit out isn’t the FBI agent, it’s the … what does Gemma do again?  Isn’t she a real estate agent or something?  An interior designer?  Whatever, she’s not a detective.

Read the rest of this entry »

Previously on Ringer: I grew so annoyed with how ridiculous the show was that I was happy that I write these recaps under my initials instead of my real name.  Oh, and Bridget wore a big dress and Siobhan found out she was pregnant, which means she’ll end up needing a big dress too.

We begin at big face apartment where Bridget is returning after a shopping trip.  But even though we learned last week that money equals love, things aren’t all happy in the Ringer version of Manhattan, because Andrew is onto Bridget’s identity-assuming scheme.  He knows about the ID in the bus locker and he knows that Siobhan hates the “Chinese place” that Bridget likes.  Totally busted.  This seems so direct and awkward that I’m going to pause my TiVo and assume that this is all a dream.  So if it is, I’m keeping this in, and if it’s not, I’m deleting it all.  All right, back to the show.  And Bridget sees a weird zombie and it’s a dream.  Boom, nailed it.

Bridget tells non-dream Andrew that she wants to go to the Hamptons for a few days to relax, and Andrew asks why she wants to be alone on her birthday.  Bridget forgot about her birthday?  Come on, dude, she’s a twin, she can’t even get her birthday straight?  You’re terrible at this identity theft thing, Bridge.  Andrew wants to go with her to the Hamptons for her b-day, and Bridget makes some comment about taking the jitney there.  Andrew laughs at this.  Ah, rich people humor.  Like rich people would do anything but take limos everywhere.

Here’s a quick little New York tip: lots of people take the subway.  Like all kinds of people.  You know why?  Because it’s super slow to go in a car in NYC.  That’s why we have those crazy underground trains.  Unless … wait a second, she’s rich.  Why would Siobhan not be carried by servants everywhere?  Man, having lots of money is hilarious.

Read the rest of this entry »

Previously on Ringer, I thought the first episode was better than expected, and the second episode was much worse than expected.  You would think that would balance things out, but it didn’t.  Someone on the show also made a body in a chest inexplicably disappear without a trace; also disappearing, my interest in the show.  But that disappearance is hardly inexplicable.

We begin with Bridget flashing back to the entire plot of last week’s show, so it’s kind of like we get two segments of “previously on.”  Well, at least it means less show.  Andrew comes in as Bridget fondles the dead man’s phone and reminds us that Bridget’s supposed to be pregnant (which I forgot again) and lets us know that annoying stepdaughter Juliet is on a plane to Miami.  She must have seen last week’s episode.  He says he has a surprise for her.  Another body in a chest?

Bridget calls Malcolm and gives Bridget a bunch of advice on what to do, since he’s also a fugitive running from the law.  Oh, wait, he’s a community college professor.  So why does he know all this?  Because he’s a character on tv.  Bridget, as she’s trying to figure out how to get to the serial number of the hit man’s cell phone (since that will be important, I guess) recognizes that the picture the hit man had of Siobhan (hate typing that name so much) is one he only could have gotten from Andrew.  Or, you know, if it got posted to Facebook, it’s one anybody could have.  Either way, Bridget thinks that Andrew hired the hit man to kill Siobhan.  4.2 seconds-long credits!

When we get back, Malcolm tells Bridget more on how to conduct an investigation.  Is he a community college professor of covert ops?  Someone asks Malcolm for the time, and apparently it’s clobbering time, because this guy knocks Malcolm out.  He awakens in what looks like a large warehouse attached to a strip club.  Guess who’s back, though, guys?  It’s our #1 glarer, Matawi.  You know what he does?  He glares at Malcolm.  Strong & unexpected work.

Who’s next in our character merry-go-round?  It’s VICTOR MACHADO.  Someone’s apologizing to him for not getting a warrant.  Who dares defy Eyelash Jones??  Blah, blah, blah, we gotta close this case and get Matawi, blah, blah, blah.  I feel like they could’ve mimed this scene and I would’ve gotten the same information.

Read the rest of this entry »

Previously on Ringer: I didn’t know what day it was and the CW probably should have thrown the producers a few extra bucks to clean up that boat scene.  That should do it.

We start where we left off, with SMG standing over a dead body.  Bridget calls Malcolm (who’s a professor, ooh fancy) and tells him she shot someone.  I was just going to make fun of her for leaving it on voicemail, but then she deletes it.  Damn you, show, for not letting me mock it.  Bridget goes all Blood Simple in trying to clean up the body, but it’s too late, because her best friend Gemma arrives.  And credits.  They should really trim these down; they just go on and on.

Gemma does another fake freak-out where we think she’s talking about something bad but it turns out to just be rich people problems.  She doesn’t know about the dead body.  Phew.  Gemma confronted her nanny about the affair she may be having with her husband, but it’s a dead-end.  Much like the Gemma character herself.

Bridget goes back to her empty apartment with the giant picture of her twin sister and cleans the place out while a way-too-on-the-nose song plays.  “Who are you really” the singer subtly trills, as Bridget grabs a bunch of her sister’s shit, including an ATM card.  Andrew returns and reminds us that Bridget’s supposed to be pregnant.  Thanks, dude, I had kinda forgotten.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ah, the smell of brand new tv shows.  Is there anything like it?

So, let’s talk about Ringer.  There are three reasons I’m watching this show, and those reasons are Sarah, Michelle, and Gellar.  I’m a Buffy fan from way back, and because I have no interest in Scooby Doo sequels or Donnie Darko follow-ups, SMG has been off of my cultural radar for a long time now.  But Buffy is a top ten all-time show for me, so if Sarah Michelle Gellar is back on tv, I’m gonna tune in.  At least for a little while.  All I want really is to see her running, because she’s a more bad-ass runner than anybody on Earth.  Watch her run in a Buffy episode and then watch Tom Cruise run in, say, The Firm.  You’ll laugh at the ridiculousness of the comparison.

What’s Ringer about?  Well, (according to CW press materials) here’s the rundown: “Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a woman who, after witnessing a murder, goes on the run, hiding out by assuming the life of her wealthy identical twin sister – only to learn that her sister’s seemingly idyllic life is just as complicated and dangerous as the one she’s trying to leave behind.”

So let’s dive in, shall we?

In an empty apartment under construction, a masked man with a crowbar is coming after SMG.  She accidentally hits a cd player that plays “I Fall to Pieces.”  He tries to strangle her and she yells out “You have the wrong girl.”  Why doesn’t she just use her slayer powers?  Oh right, I’ve got to remember this is a new show.

And then we go immediately to the catchy Ringer theme song and opening credits which encompasses roughly five seconds and three notes.  We’re a long way from the opening of “Family Ties,” aren’t we?

Forget all that, though, because it’s nine days earlier in Rock Springs, Wyoming.  SMG’s name is Bridget, and she’s an addict.  She has a sister Siobhan who wants her to come visit.  There’s something I love about SMG when she speaks in a dead, tired voice.  It’s really intriguing and she brings a nice world-weariness to her lines.  She flirts with a guy at the meeting, Malcom, her sponsor, and then leaves with Richard Alpert.  I mean, Nestor Carbonell’s character.  He’s prepping her for testifying as a witness to a crime, and then we meet Jimmy, and it’s exposition overload!  Slow down, Ringer!  Also, there’s another guy named Matawi who wants Bridget dead.  Too many new names and people!  Where’s Xander and Giles??

Read the rest of this entry »