Hello hello, and welcome to a weird, odd-numbered new year that sort of makes me twitch every time I say it and a new episode of REVENGE!

Last night’s episode, “Power,” opened with Emanda and Aidan have sexy fighting foreplay on the beach, which hinted to me that maybe this show has decided to sex things up a bit. Lord knows that wouldn’t hurt.

But, instead of giving us lots of sexytimes, there was a ridiculous amount of time spent on that who the fuck cares story line involving The Ryan Brothers and the Porters, which ultimately ended with Jack going to jail when coffee sacks with narcotics in them are found on the Amanda. The Porters had called the cops and told them the coffee bags in the basement were laced, but turns out, not so much. So now Jack is in jail, Amily & their ill-named child are staying with Emanda, and Declan has to deal with those no good, but highly attractive Ryan Brothers all by his lonesome.

Well, I guess Charlotte is there too. Does she count though?

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Sometimes I get really concerned for the Revenge writers’ vision for this show.

You can’t argue  that they’re all very invested in Emanda. And Nolan. But then you get to poor Daniel Grayson, who has the most mind-numbingly boring storyline on the show right now AND THEN THEY TRY TO MAKE HIM A BURGEONING POET. I mean, seriously Show. You should not.

As much “I don’t care about this” as there is going on in the show right now, I actually really enjoyed last night’s episode, “Lineage,” despite the fact that it was set in 2006 and full of background exposition. The purpose of the episode was two-fold: 1)  explain the back-story of Aiden-Amanda, who desperately need a prequel spin-off series or webisodes or SOMETHING called Aiden and Amanda: The Ass-Kickers, and 2) introduce Marco Romero, Nolan’s ex-CFO/LOVAH who is unfortunately NOT played by Jason Dohring. Marco totally knows that Nolan worked with David Clarke and that he gave Emanda half a billion dollars of NolCorp assets. Also, Nolan fired him ON THANKSGIVING because he wasn’t okay with Nolan being loyal to a framed, murdered terrorist’s daughter.

But instead of giving us nice little flashback sequences within a typical episode to explain this stuff, we got an entire episode devoted to telling us that Aiden’s sister Colleen was sex-trafficked by some Russian dude as blackmail (I think?) so that Aiden’s dad would plant the bomb on Flight 197. And then something more shady than being kidnapped by a sex trafficker happened with Colleen, and Aiden kills the Russian dude, and then Emanda tells Sensei (is this the third Sensei Takeda we’ve seen?) that he has to train Aiden too. In an effort to provide more information than that in this episode—which they really shouldn’t have because watching Amanda go all Sydney Bristow was all we really needed—was also some stuff about V’s mom and we see Conrad and V getting along and ruining lives, and also some other stuff about Now-Deceased Papa Porter, who covered up the murder of a shady guy whom I think is the father of Papa Argent and Michael Trucco. That’s what the Show wanted us to conclude, right?

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Y’all.

I’m  not sure if you’re aware. But MICHAEL TRUCCO was on Revenge last night. And he seems like he’s kind of a shady character. I LIKE IT.

I’m still not quite over Fairly Legal being canceled and displacing Trucco from my Friday night TV during the late spring/summer, but luckily everyone else was upset about this and he’s being cast in everything. Because his face should be in everything.

So, Trucco aside, this episode, “Exposure,” was still pretty good. I LOVED that Treadwell thought that Emanda and Amily were lesbian lovahs and I loved that Amily tried to kill him and that Emanda stopped her and then told Treadwell who she is (I MEAN, RIGHT?!) and then just straight up played him. The whole “I’m making you give a false confession to murdering WHA and kidnapping V so that you’ll go to prison and have uninterrupted time to write your book about the real story” was genius.

Also, Emily VanCamp’s Crazy Stare is tremendous.
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Oh, Revenge. What are you trying to do to us? This episode was packed to the gills with REVENGEY THINGS and I’m pretty sure this will be the linchpin episode of this season. It set a lot of shit in motion.

This week’s episode, “Illusion,” had not one but TWO Events of the Week: Conrad and Victoria’s Second Wedding and the Reopening of The Stowaway. And, of course, both of these were basically just decoy events so that they could lead to two other big events of the week: Conrad’s arrest for WHA’s murder—which was totally orchestrated by Emanda and Aiden, but helped along by Mason Treadwell, Nolan, and Amily—and Jack’s proposal of marraige to Amily. She says yes. I have decided not to care about them anymore. (Okay, I totally yelled FUCK MY LIFE when he proposed, but now I’ve decided that it’s fine since I’m very into Aiden.) May they forever be happy.
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On this week’s episode of Revenge, “Forgiveness,” nearly every character we have ever known on the series shows back up and/or was mentioned at some point. It was some serious sensory overload.

The main focus of the episode was the reemergence of Kara Clarke, who just showed up at Grayson Manor. Naturally, V invites Kara to stay with her—which Charlotte thinks is a sign of her mother becoming a compassionate human being—so that she can determine exactly what all Kara knows. V finds Kara’s burner phone and tells Conrad that Kara has obviously been feeding WHA information about the Graysons. So Conrad proposes to V so that they can’t be forced to testify against each other in court. Because that is a normal reaction to learning that your family might be in danger from a dead man?
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So, this episode was the soapiest piece of shit that they’ve aired, right?

I just. I really hated this episode. Sure, there were a couple big plot developments (PAPA ARGENT IS A MEANIE! AMILY IS IN A COMA! HER BEHBEH HAS BEEN BORNED!), but MY GOD was this episode bad. The acting, the writing, the weird lack of Nolan. All of it. No bueno.

I thought  maybe I could attribute it to the truly heinous mood I was in last night, but no. It was just bad.

Here are the high points:

Amily fell over a bannister at the Grayson Mansion during her baby shower, directly after she confronted V about being “Charlotte Clarke” and knowing where Emanda’s mother, whose name is Kara btw, is. So now Amily is in a medically induced coma and the behbeh has been delivered. So Jack is now a devoted, basically single dad.
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First things first.

JACK BROKE UP WITH AMILY!!!!!!! *muppet flails*

The insane joy I feel over this is a little bit embarrassing, but not so much that I’m afraid of share it with OCTV and the Internet.

Because SERIOUSLY. FINALLY. OMG.

I’m sure that now Amily will go into full spiral meltdown mode and that this is probably exactly what Emanda wanted. Though I’m not sure she can take credit for V pulling Amily onstage and embracing her as a family member. HOWEVER, Emanda was pretty insistent that Amily give Charlotte that redacted David Clarke journal, so maybe she knew Charlotte would out V in front of the reporter? I like the idea that Emanda is so good at reading people and predicting their reactions that she set the whole thing up because she knew exactly how each of the Graysons would react. So let’s go with that.

Anyway. YES. Although now I’m a little conflicted because we have been officially alerted to the relationshit between Emanda and White Sensei-in-Training, whose name is Aiden and whom I will henceforth actually call Aiden because that name is hot, because I think maybe I like them and their terribly confusing chemistry.

I mean, Emanda knocked him out with a wine bottle and then put his body in a dumpster. That is some serious anger. But Aiden is obviously doing his best to apologize to her by helping her find her mom and making Sensei Takeda believe in her again, which is a pretty solid way of apologizing. And proving that he cares about her. Right? In any case, they BETTER have some confused love/hate sex soon.

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First off, we need to ogle these new Tyler Shields photos of the Revenge cast together.

Credit: Tyler Shields

Credit: Tyler Shields

And there are MORE of them on Tyler’s website. And they are SEXY and involve GUNS and DAGGERS and dress unzipping and such.

So now that that’s out of the way (STOP STARING AT GABRIEL MANN’S JUNK, OKAY?), we can talk about Sunday night’s episode, titled “Resurrection,”in which V makes her grand, bloody come-back making the Graysons band together and dashing all hopes Emanda has of gaining some sort of influence over Charlotte, Charlotte is released from rehad-prison, Jack and Amily find out the paternity of the behbeh, and Declan makes a new friend. I guess Nolan does too. Sort of.  And White Sensei-in-Training saves the day!
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Bonjour mes amies de REVENGE.

I am so prepared for all the beautiful people of this show to be back on my TV every week.

Because.

SERIOUSLY.

(Minus Declan. He can go to hell. And obviously minus Madeleine Stowe. OR SO WE THINK.)

Also, the show is pretty good.

And the season two premiere, “Destiny,” definitely did not disappoint. The pace of the episode hurdled the plot forward, in a way that actually shocked me, and this premiere mirrored the season one premiere in ways that really called out just how much had changed between all of the characters in one short year.

So at the top of the episode, we’ve fast-forwarded to Labor Day Weekend of this year. There are divers and helicopters, whom I suppose are the Coast Guard. The divers find a photo of the Porter men. AND THERE IS A BODY AND IF IT’S JACK OMG I WON’T EVEN BE ABLE TO DEAL. But of course the show doesn’t reveal WHO the body is, because there has to be something to be fearful of the entire season. However we definitely know that at Labor Day, the Amanda sinks. And there is a body.

Then we time travel to three months earlier because this shows does not respect normal timelines in that it wants us to visit the past and then further in the past. Read the rest of this entry »

Going into this finale episode, I really didn’t know what I was expecting. I mean, the network kept teasing the fact that Emanda gets all bloodied up and that she threatens people and thinks she might die, but, I mean, did any of us actually believe that they would kill Emanda off when there’s to be a second season?

No. No we didn’t.

But I also didn’t expect them to kill anyone off. So I’m glad that the writers had the balls to do it. I mean, as the episode was going on and Conrad was slamming doors and proposing to Lydia and imploring Victoria to not get on the plane to DC (and also not testify) I was sort of like, “So wait. She’s totally going to die, right?” And after the whole exchange with Lydia where he was totally cool with her not absconding with him, I thought, “So, he’s gonna kill her right?” So, yeah, that happened.

And I won’t lie, when V had Emanda open the engagement present and there was nothing in it and V  said that thing about how Emanda should find someone more appropriate for her, I was really hoping that Victoria would die. Because that whole exchange was SO BITCHY.

I’m definitely interested to see where that leaves the show next season. Victoria was such a driving force on the show and now that she’s just not going to be around (unless they do a whole SHE’S STILL ALIVE AND IN A COMA thing. I hope they don’t.) there’s going to be a serious lack of Queen Bitch. Unless perhaps Ashley takes on that role? *wishful thinking dance*

HOWEVER. Though I’m not going to spend about two seconds mourning Victoria, I really wished we had been able to see the moment when Victoria realized who Emanda really is. Because I really don’t know how they would play that. Even though V was constantly on a witchhunt for Amanda Clarke, I don’t know what she would have done if she actually found her and confronted her when she realized that after all this time, Amanda Clarke is the girl next door. And also, in general, she’s the daughter of the man V crazy-loved. And while I know that doesn’t always mean anything (Snow White is an easy example since it’s EVERYWHERE these days), I think I was secretly hoping that Emanda and V would join forces and go all revengey on Conrad together.
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