Paranormal State

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I don’t know why I continually feel the need to publicly shame my ancestors AND tell you all what total crap I watched on TV over the weekend, and yet I do.  I really, really do.  And I only mentioned Jersey Shore in the title because I knew if you guys thought I was only talking about paranormal shows you’d totally ignore this.  I might do that (I can’t HELP it!) … but it definitely isn’t the only crap I watched so let’s get down to business.

Okay, first of all, I had an awesome weekend, as I think many of you could gather from my hungover Twitter posts.  The vast majority of my drinking took place during the Colts game, so I know I was always aware of what the score was, but I never really felt like I had a good handle on what was happening.  I don’t know if the Colts played well or like total shit, I just know they won.  Meanwhile, they play the Jets next week, who they effectively let into the playoffs.  In this particular situation, they better not fucking lose to the Jets, goddammit, or it is on!  I will fear for Jim Caldwell, because in a good situation people are burning effigies all over town, and in a bad one, they rip his head from his body, sharpen a broom handle, and parade his head in the streets like this is goddamn Lord of the Flies!  Anyway, needless to say, I’ll be watching the action next weekend from the Colts bar here in Chicago (that’s Mullens, for those of you curious googlers), wearing my jersey and eatin’ tots!  Oh yeah, believe it.

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OMG, you guys.  It has been a trash TV wonderland in my life.  I mean, I’ve watched other stuff too–I’ve got a Scrubs post coming later today, and I’m watching S3 of Dexter via Netflix right now, and of course there have been movies (speaking of, would anyone be interested in a post about Up in the Air?) and New Super Mario Bros. for Wii, but in general, trash TV has reigned supreme.  So read on, comment, share thoughts on your own trash-watching regimen, and try out some of mine, if you dare.

Sadly, Hoarders is the only one I’m not caught up on.  Don’t worry, I’ll get there–I have one on my DVD where someone’s house got so gross they had to live in a tent in the backyard.  That should be a good one.

Alright, a quick note on Paranormal State.  SERIOUSLY, you guys, SOMEONE has to watch this with me.  It’s ridiculous.  And kind of retarded.  I watched an episode over the weekend that was actually, honest to god, I kid you not, titled “Haunted Sex Dungeon”.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  That is GOLD.  How can you read that and NOT watch it?  Also, the TWoP boards crack me up about that show because they think that Ryan (the main guy) really wishes he was Dean Winchester, and watching with that in mind is hysterical.

Speaking of the Winchesters, I also watched Psychic Kids over the weekend and they had two 13-year-old boys who were a mini Sam and Dean (especially the Sam).  It was kind of bizarre.  Also, they have a few different psychics that “mentor” the kids, and there is just something about the one that was on with them that reminds me of a slightly less douchey Mystery from that one show … shit, what is it called?  The one where he teaches them to “peacock” and thinks a feather boa is a good accessory for a man in a night club?  I’m totally blanking.

God, that’s gonna drive me insane.

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Alright, so no, neither Snuggie or cheeseball is ACTUALLY sponsoring this post, not in the giving me money to talk about them way, however they did both pay me a lot of simultaneous joy last night as I watched total shit on my DVR while Billy is away.  Man, I love shit on my DVR, and that is no joke.

Anyway, I was really plowing through so there is much to be discussed.  Things you can discuss in the comments: shit I watched that you also watched, berating me for my terrible taste in television, or other things that you’re watching while the regular shows are on breaks. 

You know, honestly, I think people might look at my Snuggie (leopard!) and cheeseball, combined with my choices in shows and wonder WTF is going on, like I am going through a bad break up (because all my shows left me) and now I am doing the equivalent of sitting around crying into a tub of ice cream (which, hello, obviously I’ve done before).  But not so!  It’s more like my shows left me and I am partying it up in some trashy Florida spring break town and hooking up with hot, stupid guys that I don’t have a LASTING future with, but definitely enjoy while they’re around, and it takes my mind off the absence of my shows.  However, unlike with boys, I’ll still keep my TV flings on the side, even when my shows come back. :)

So anyway, I know you’re all dying to know what I watched last night.  First of all, let me say that I did NOT watch Pawn Stars, even though I have three or four of them on my DVR because I’m waiting for Billy.  When I do, I might drop some Pawn Stars quotes on you because a.) I love that show and b.) some of you have really made my life by giving it a shot and enjoying it and c.) the Old Man is just so damn quotable.

Also, I haven’t watched last week’s Scrubs because I’m waiting for Billy on that too, so I’ll probably do a combo post on those tomorrow since a new one is on tonight

Okay, now on to what I DID watch!

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So just yesterday I was saying how Tuesday TV sucks, which I stand behind, although I had forgotten that 90210 moved to Tuesdays so I think I’m going to start watching that again.  But I forgot to set the DVR for it last night–you know how it is.

Anyway, a lot of times when I’m sitting around bored and there’s nothing on the DVR I can watch without Billy (because watching something on DVR that the other one wants to watch without them is a SERIOUS offense in our house), I’ll hit up the OnDemand.  And I have to say, I don’t know how it is on other cable systems because I’ve never had it with anyone else, but Comcast’s OnDemand is pretty bitchin.

Enter Ghost Hunters.  Now, I like horror movies and I do believe in ghosts, or at least the possibility of them, and I kind of like ghost hunting shows but I’m actually pretty particular about them and there are only two I watch.  The first one is, hello, Paranormal State.  It’s hilarious, and SUCH a trainwreck.  I’m in total love with it.

The second one, of course, is Ghost Hunters.  What I like about this is that they at least try to take a more scientific approach, and do some debunking stuff, rather than just running around thinking that any little bump is paranormal.  And even though the scenes where Kris calls them while they’re on a Roto-Rooter job are such bullshit, I don’t even mind that much because I think it’s cool they have that kind of background and bring some practical knowledge to this kind of thing.

So anyway, I’m getting caught up on my OnDemand viewing (because obviously, I don’t have Bravo so I don’t have SyFy or whatever awesome channel GH is on, sadly), and I was watching the one last night with the church and the little drummer boy (and by the way, how cool was it when they found out that a little drummer boy actually HAD been killed there?). 

Anyway, the reason I was writing this was because I kind of love Steve and Tango–I do like that they have their set pairs they go off in, and Steve and Tango are always so random, or having stupid conversations, or goofing off or whatever (but not in a not working way–more like in a drumming on the tree trunk to see if it would make the little drummer boy join in).  And every now and then they have fairly serious conversations too, like in that episode when Tango was like, why would you still want to be here, instead of going to heaven?  And Steve is like, first of all, you’re assuming free will, and secondly, what if there is no heaven or hell?  What if there’s just an afterlife, and it’s just like a different kind of existence?

And at this point, I’m just like … hell yeah, Steve and Tango!  It makes me both really happy that they would have that conversation and that GH would choose to include it, because I would think that if you spend that much time chasing around dead people, it would HAVE to come up.  And I don’t know, I think maybe more than the evidence that they do or don’t find (because ultimately, nothing will ever be proven either way–it’s one of those things you’ve gotta find out for yourself), that kind of discussion at least partially validates what they do.  Everyone is going to die eventually and most people wonder about what happens next, in some form at some point.  Some people ignore it and some people find God, and some people go on ghost hunts.  But I think that thinking about it is a good thing, and I just really liked that they were having an actual discussion about it for a minute.  It was a very refreshing and real moment there.

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Okay, so South Park is something that I generally catch in reruns, but when I heard they were spoofing Ghost Hunters, I made it a point to DVR it.  I fucking love Ghost Hunters, which is why I have to give a shout out to Comcast OnDemand for making it available to me, and free at that!

Okay, so I was pretty worried that I had gotten too excited for it when Ghost Hunters was only on for a minute, but as it turns out, the entire episode was golden.  But before we get to that …

Can I just say that while the Ghost Hunters thing was funny, especially the, “Did your that?  It sounded like … tiiing” stuff, I really felt like the spoof was closer in nature to Paranormal State, which is hilariously bad, but I understand because Ghost Hunters is WAY more watched.  At least on Ghost Hunters, they try to debunk stuff.  Paranormal State is … wow.  If you haven’t ever watched it, you must.  It’s on A&E and it’s MIND-BOGGLING.  I set up a series recording for it because it’s so magical.  I mean, ghosts who throw cheeseballs?  Taping ping pong balls over your eyes to communicate with spirits?  The jokes write themselves, people!  I’ll have to cover that one when it comes back.

Anyway, I was also excited to see them taking on all the celebrity deaths in such a funny way, and I was impressed that they even managed to include Patrick Swayze, since that was so recent.  And did Bea Arthur ever say anything?  I don’t think she did, but there was absolutely no mistaking who she was, and I thought that was perfect. 

I kept wondering when we’d see Michael Jackson, and I was glad we had to wait for it because it was really just so perfect.  All day today, I’ve been walking around, thinking to myself, “Noooo!  That’s ignorant!” 

And GOD, Toddlers & Tiaras.  WOW.  Talk about a show that was made for South Park, right?  I was glad that they got the flippers on there (for those of you who don’t spend crazy amounts of time watcing Toddlers & Tiaras, first of all, I just feel sorry for you, and secondly, flippers are those bizarro-looking fake teeth).  But the real magic there was to be had off-stage, with the pervy judges (because SERIOUSLY, you’ll be watching T&T and see the creepy judges and think, what the hell are these weirdo men doing here?), the trashy moms yelling from the crowd, and the child beating that you KNOW goes on backstage.  They even got the crown right.  I think Matt and Trey may share my fondness for old Toddlers & Tiaras.  Niiiiice.

But actually, the thing that might’ve cracked me up the most was the Chipotlaway, that gets the blood out of your underwear after you eat Chipotle.  The running Kyle and Cartman conversation about why you’d continue to eat something that makes you shit blood was amazing, but let’s face it, we all have places like that.  In Indianapolis (where I’m from, originally), there’s a restaurant called Yats–some of the best cajun food I’ve had (which granted, isn’t much), and we called it Shats, for what should be obvious reasons.  And I probably ate there at least once a week.  So I know how it goes.

Anybody else watch it?  Love it?  Things I missed?  Comments–I ain’t too proud to beg, y’all!

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