The above video has next to nothing to do with the post. I just think its fun. So I shared.

This recap has been planned to be the final Once Upon a Time recap here at OCTV for a couple weeks now. I know I’ve been frustrated with the show for a while now and it seems most of our readers have too. If you’re one of those readers who’s joined us more recently, you should know how excited I was about this show when it first started. The entire concept thrilled me and I loved the first few episodes. I was especially impressed with all the extra symbolism and easter egg bits thrown in. Then Graham died. Now, I think there were some other issues earlier but they were more easily overlooked. While I, and most of the people I know, were upset about Graham’s death, we assumed it had a purpose. It was episode seven, after all, so now Emma or some other Storybrooke resident would start growing suspicious, right? Unfortunately everyone has thus far acted like Graham’s death by heart attack at the age of 30 (or around there) is totally normal and that the mayor, who had been threatening Graham at the time, is under no suspicion. And things have simply gone downhill since then.

That brings us to tonight’s episode, focused around Beauty & the Beast. I know I said earlier that this was going to be the last recap (and it is) but I was still hoping that something would happen to kick the story into gear. Something to give me a reason to stick around.

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This is my face every time I think something interesting might happen and am instantly disappointed.

I started watching this episode, fully prepared to be frustrated as the plot moved nowhere. Then, for most of the episode, it felt like we were getting somewhere. Emma was starting to be suspicious of Regina and working on finding out her secrets. And it seemed like we were going to get some answers in Storybrooke as well. Silly me. Everything that had been achieved was basically ripped away. Oh continuity, we hardly knew ye. So here’s how things are going to change in the recaps. Since Grimm, a supposedly procedural drama, is doing quite well at weaving mythology together, we’ll let them be the ongoing show. And for the Once Upon a Time recaps, I’m going to treat it like a procedural. Each episode will clearly have nothing to do with any of the other episodes and maybe this way, we can all enjoy them a little more. So if it seems like I’m ignoring key plot points…I am.

But ya’ll know what’s great about looking at each episode on its own, as though it has no connection with the rest of the show? It’s enjoyable. I had so much more fun with the show on the second viewing now that I’ve ignored continuity & decided to be besties with contrivance.

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We got trouble. Right here in River City. What? Wrong town? But seriously ya’ll, this show is…frustrating. To put it lightly. Now in all fairness, this episode was much better than last week’s. The back story involved Snow & Charming, people we all know and love and who have this weird thing called chemistry, so it wasn’t horrible. And I love Ginny Goodwin so even though Mary Margaret was behaving like an idiot, I still enjoyed it. But if you take aside the swoony bits, (Wow, apparently swoony is a real word. Go figure.) the story we’re left with isn’t much. Cuz you know, the last time we left Snow & Charming; Charming was off to marry another girl and Snow was doing her thing in the woods. Same thing the time before that. Which would be great if it gave us a more cohesive fairy tale mythology or things moved forward in Storybrooke. Alas, while Henry says things are changing, I’m thinking change never got the memo.

So until change really makes it and by that I mean the mythology starts to matter or someone gets a clue in Storybrooke, the recaps are going to be a little different. I’m going to approach the show more like a Hart of Dixie type show. You know, the kind you watch and like but never take seriously. This way I can still gush over the characters that I love but I also don’t have to recap every single moment of the Regina/Emma pissing contest. (Can you tell I’m not looking forward to the next episode?) And before any of ya’ll are like well why watch if it keeps pissing you off (granted none of you OCTV regulars would say that but for ya’ll just visiting), here’s the thing. This should be a great show. Fairytales are rich with ideas and characters and the freedom to embellish quite a bit is even better. Plus this show has some of the best writers in the business. Sure the show keeps telling us it’s from some of the Lost guys. But you’ve also got Buffy, Battlestar Galactica, Dollhouse, and The Vampire Diaries writers on staff. Once Upon a Time should be a much better, much more suspenseful, and more creative show than it is. So my recaps might look at things differently now and show frustration, but it is only because I know how great this show could be.

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Who wants nightmares for breakfast?

Remember that childhood saying, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”? Yeah if we went by that rule this recap would be over in a few sentences. I started to get into this issue last week by noting that Snow & Charming are kind of the glue in this show and they give us a reason to be invested in both worlds. After all, Emma has no ties to the Fairytale Realms other than her parents so finding a reason to break the curse stems more from them. And while these back stories can be interesting (though they aren’t always), I need more. The Cinderella episode was one of the better side stories the show has done because Cinderella & Thomas actually featured into Snow & Charming’s life. Rather than a related thread, they were part of the story’s tapestry. Now however, it’s become a series of different fairytales just to excuse stunt casting. I may be spoiled by other shows, hell I am spoiled, but that doesn’t do it for me. I need Once to start living up to its potential and giving me a good story. It has some of the best writers in the business. Show us.

That said, the casting of Emma Caulfield as the blind witch was inspired. I wouldn’t go so far as to say she was unrecognizable but damn if she wasn’t impressive as hell. But that inspired casting brings up another problem. Not all of the supporting characters have been as strong and I’d like to see the show change things up a bit, allowing for loopholes to keep characters around. The Vampire Diaries has actually become incredibly good at this, keeping characters that were supposed to be out after a couple episodes around for half a season. Once Upon a Time would do well to consider the concept.

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Who else is totally thrilled that Once Upon a Time is back tonight? Don’t raise your hand, I know everyone’s excited. I’m still in mourning over the loss of Sheriff Graham (so hot!) but I’m willing to believe that Prince Charming can sweep me off my feet and take the pain away. Here’s where we left off:

Graham was dead. I know nothing else because I’m still terribly upset about this.

I still miss his facial hair.

This week gave us the history of Rumplestiltskin and Emma’s “race” against Sidney for Sheriff of Storybrooke. One story was really interesting. The other was really boring. I’ll let you guess which is which.

Fairytale Realm:

We start in the fairytale realm as a rather depressed looking Rumplestiltskin is spinning his wheel. An ogre war has decimated the land and so the Duke’s men are rounding up more soldiers. I don’t really understand the point of taking children when there are able-bodied men and women, but whatever.  A girl is taken and Stiltsie is worried about his own son who is 3 days away from being of age. While I was creeped out by the soldier leering at the girl, I did appreciate the continued implication of sexual abuse and rape in these stories just like real fairytales.

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I’m sure ya’ll thought there was going to be a fairytale sized hole in your hearts for the next few weeks but that’s not how I roll. The best way to move past Sheriff Graham’s death *moment of silence* is with new shiny things. Now I can’t give you Prince Charming (and if you think I wouldn’t keep him for myself anyway, you clearly aren’t reading these recaps) but I can give you a few fairytale recaps. Some of you may remember that I did a recap of the original Snow White fairytale a few weeks ago. This week I thought I’d cover the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Ruby’s been a fixture in Storybrooke but hasn’t had her own back story shown in the fairytale realms yet. Seeing as I’m adoring all the subtleties of Meghan Ory’s portrayal of our own Little Red Riding Hood, I thought it was high time she got her own story.

There are quite a few versions of Little Red Riding Hood out there but most go along the standard, girl goes to grandma’s with goodies, wolf eats grandma first, tricks the girl and then eats her too. Some versions that prefer a more cheerful ending allow Red to get away. If you’re familiar with Grimm’s fairy tales, you’ll know that she is known as Little Red Cap. The Brothers Grimm did things a bit differently. In their version, a huntsman hears the wolf snoring (I did not know wolves snored but apparently they are really fucking loud) and decides to enter the house and see what’s up. Because snooping around an elderly woman’s home while she’s asleep is totes normal. Anyway, the huntsman sees the wolf taking a nap after his dose of fairytale tryptophan and is like oh hey, maybe if I cut open the wolf, I can pull grandma out. It would seem that the wolf’s belly is like Mary Poppins’ purse. Scissors seem to be sharp enough to cut through fur, skin and muscle and within a few snips, Red pops out of the wolf and then Grandma does as well. To further emphasize the massiveness of this wolf’s magical belly, neither Red nor Granny saw each other while they were in there. The trio fill the wolf’s belly with stones…not sure why killing him wasn’t an immediate option, and then he dies when trying to run away. And then Red is a good little girl who agrees to never stray from the path again. Because obviously paths are magical and you can’t be killed in the middle of the damn road. Red needs to pick up a TV and watch every supernatural show on the planet and learn the truth about that little lie.

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