Jersey Shore

Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny went all Godfather III.  Just when he thought he was out … well, you know.  Oh, also, Mike acted like a giant baby.  This development was less than surprising.

We begin, as always, where we ended last week, with the gang traveling back to the shore house.  Vinny is excited about getting laid tonight; the Jersey Shore zombies begin chanting “one of us, one of us.”  They’re barely back five minutes when they have to start getting ready to go out to some dumb club.  And guess what?  They need taxis.  At this point I wonder if I’d have trouble differentiating a new episode from a rerun.  As they’re waiting for the taxis, Mike decides that he wants new tattoos, loyalty on his left arm and betrayal on the right.  “Right arm, you’ve never had my back!” Mrs. DLW imagines Mike saying.  Nice.

When they get to the club, the following things happen: Mike goes off by himself, Pauly is delighted to have Vinny back, and Snooki pees herself.  And the floor around her.  She finds all this delightful; if you also find it delightful, imagine you’ve gone out to a club with friends, you’re drinking, you’re dancing, you’re having a great time, and then oops, you slip and fall and land … in someone else’s urine.  Not so cute now, is it?

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Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny wisely took a week off from all the nonsense and the rest of the gang decided to do special things in his honor.  These special things included getting drunk and sloppily hooking up with people.  They must have a different definition of “special” in Seaside.  Also, Pauly and Mike had birthdays, and Mike celebrated with an attitude that suggested this was his third birthday, tops.

This week, we begin with Danny, the Shore Store boss, coming to the house to bust some skulls.  He threatens the roommates with, um, more roommates if they don’t shape up and fly right.  This would all be a really effective threat if they weren’t already MAKING TONS OF MONEY BEING ON THIS SHOW.  Anyway, Mike returns from his walkapout, and we learn from him that every birthday Mike isolates himself to see if anyone will seek him out and talk to him.  You know, like a well-adjusted person does.  I have to tell you this brings no small amount of giggles to me and Mrs. DLW, who suggested that a clerk at Target could really make Mike’s year by seeing his driver’s license and saying happy birthday.  The girls who have to listen to Mike bitch about his birthday couldn’t look more bored if they were being paid to do so (which, come to think of it, they kinda are).

The next day Deena, Pauly, and Snooki decide to work hard for a change.  I’m sure this will last and forever change their work ethic.  After work, Deena calls Vinny and tries to get him to come to Pauly and Mike’s surprise birthday party.  Vinny can’t sound less interested in being a part of this world again.  Vinny has easily become my favorite character on the show, mostly by choosing not to be on it.  Later on, Deena and Snooki try to learn how to walk like “gangstas”; with the amount of times these two have tripped over, they should just work on walking upright.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny took stock of his own emotional issues and left the house.  The rest of the cast didn’t and didn’t.  That about sums it up, I think.

This week: Vinny is gone and Pauly has to break the news to his fake-tanned brothers and sisters that one of their comrades has decided that being on a permanent, meaningless vacation just isn’t fun anymore.  Deena immediately starts weeping for Vinny’s problems.  No, just kidding, she’s weeping for herself, and maybe for her leopard-print dress that Jenny is adjusting for her.  Pauly brings a girl home that night to “put it in” for Vinny.  He’s a really good friend … to his own penis.  Mike also brings home a girl who claims she knows Italian, and Mike quizzes her by asking her about swear words.  You know, like you did when you first learned a foreign language at age 14.  Mike’s slightly older than that.

Out in Staten Island, Vinny makes it back to his parents’ home and they greet him, no questions asked.  It’s a really kind and loving moment.  And of course it’s followed up by Deena crying about her loss.  It’s good that the show concentrates on what’s really important.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: The gang (I need to find a better collective term for the Jersey Shore cast, don’t I?) all came back from Italy and did not pass Go, they went directly to Jail the actual Jersey Shore.  I wonder if the recappers from Dallas had this problem in the ’80s: “Then the whole cast of Dallas went back to the actual Dallas.”  What, the internet has not been around forever?  The devil you say!  Also on last week’s episode, Vinny began showing some human emotions, and this is bad news and quite alien to the show!

This week, as usual, we pick up where we left off.  Vinny is full of anxiety and he can’t sleep or function in this environment.  Here are the suggestions Ronnie and Pauly give to him:

• Make it to the weekend, where he can go out, listen to music, and meet girls
• Go to work tomorrow
• “Relax, dude

I’m certain that therapists all across the world are going to immediately pick up on the “Party, Work, Relax” system for combating anxiety.  And this is where Vinny first floats the idea of leaving.  Ronnie, of course, compares this to being on a ledge and threatening to jump.  Very understated, this one.

Let me pause for a second, and say that I’m writing this having already seen the entire episode (that’s not always the case), and I’m going to give this warning: I’m not going to make fun even a little of Vinny’s anxiety issues.  I’m happily going to make fun of the dumb reactions that others have to it, but 1) Vinny has always seemed like one of the two genuinely nice people on the show, and 2) even if it had been Deena or Snooki who had anxiety issues, I wouldn’t make fun of that either.  I have a heart, you know.  Somewhere.  And to prove that I’m showing this episode the proper respect, no nicknames for anybody for the rest of the recap.  Nothing but full names.

All right, so Michael is out at some dumb club, as usual, and he meets up with Paula, our friend from Season 1 who had sex with him in the jacuzzi and then fell down the stairs (out of shame, I assume).  Michael’s going to take Paula home and it starts thundering and pouring down rain.  God’s wrath is finally coming down on the Jersey Shore!  This causes Michael, Paula, Nicole, Ryder, and Jionni (that isn’t just a weird nickname?  damn it!) to run all the way back to the house, and when they get there, they’re all soaked.  Jionni has to borrow a t-shirt and underwear from Michael.  Thankfully the underwear is still in the box.  Jionni offers to cook food as a gesture of thanks for Michael letting him borrow his clothes.  Jionni seems kind and polite; what does Nicole bring to this relationship, exactly?

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Previously on Jersey Shore: It was an even numbered season, and so it wasn’t in New Jersey and it was also disappointing (Jersey Shore is like the mirror image of the Star Trek movies that way).  The gang all went to Italy, Snooki became even more horrible than I thought she could be, and I lamented the lack of footage of the actual beautiful parts of Florence, one of my favorite cities in the world.  Also, I started a brief career recapping “Ringer,” and then I quit when I kept falling asleep during the show (even though I still love SMG).

And now on Jersey Shore: We weirdly pick up back in Italy.  Wait, did the US decide they’re not allowed back in the country?  Well done, State Department!  Oh, my bad, they’re actually going home.  Pauly laments the fact that he cannot get a haircut or a tan in Italy; you know how Italy is filled with pale-skinned hippies.  Vinny says he thinks they’ve done all they can do in Florence.  Yep, one day of sightseeing and 39 days of drinking, that seems about right.

So our little band of misfits land in the US and go straight to the Jersey Shore.  Seriously, they go right from the airport to the shore house.  Is this show their full-time job now?  There’s roommate drama on the van to Seaside Heights when we learn that nobody wants to room with Mike anymore.  Now that scene in the previous season finally makes sense, since it only came three or four days before they were actually going back to the shore house.  I never thought I’d be puzzling over Jersey Shore chronology.  My mother must be so proud (but there’s no way she reads these).  So who finally rooms with the Situation?  Ronnie and Sam, the same people who always room with him.  Drama solved!  (That’s what you’re supposed to do with drama, right?)

To celebrate the return to the house, Snooki drinks out of a pickle jar.  There’s nothing metaphorical about that sentence.  She picks up the pickle jar, opens it up, tips it back, and drinks the brine out of it.  She’s a published author, everybody.  After that grossness, the crew goes to the Shore Store and their boss, whose name I refuse to learn, invites them out to a bar the next night.  This doesn’t at all seem set up by MTV.  It is totally natural.  The gang goes to ride the rides of the boardwalk, thus making already disgusting sketchy things even worse.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: Italy awesomely rose up as one, demanding the Jersey Shore kids leave this beautiful country.  This week: the season finale.  Coincidence?  Probably, but it’s still great.

We begin with Mike at the apartment, changing pants and trash talking nobody.  I’d like to blame this all on drunkenness, but it might just be Mike being Mike.  When the rest of the roommates get home, Ronnie takes it upon himself to have a powwow with Mike about all of the Situation’s issues.  Ron, who sounds like he swallowed several scouring pads, tells Mike to make things better or get off the show.  All of the cast could take that advice.  Sam is happy that Ron did this, and at this point I wonder which is worse: Ron & Sam fighting or Sam validating every dumb thing Ron says.  All right, clearly the fighting is worse, but it’s closer than you’d think.

The next night, Pauly, Sam, and Vinny do their last bit of damage to the pizzeria.  Sammi tells the camera that she enjoys working at the pizzeria and I don’t think I ever remember her working there.  This isn’t a joke.  Other than the training, I can’t remember Sam ever being there.  The three of them dick around at the pizzeria, like they always do, and I feel bad for yet another small business owner who has to deal with this cast’s nonsense.  When in Florence, go to Vesuvius Pizza (or whatever it’s called), and apologize for this group of eight Americans. Read the rest of this entry »

Previously on Jersey Shore: Sicily was beautiful, so we barely got to see any of it, and Snooki was terrible, so we had to endure much more of her nonsense than usual.  Also, Pauly claimed to know by heart the sound of Vinny having sex.  That part was the most disturbing.

We begin, in Jersey Shore fashion, where we left off, that is with Snooki ruining Jionni’s already no-good-very-bad day by confessing that she had sex with Vinny.  Jionni tries to use logic on Snooki by asking how she would feel if he did the same thing.  While she is being raked over the coals, Nicole makes a weird “come over here” gesture with her hand, which I guess is to stop herself from crying.  I’d like some evidence on the efficacy of this.  Nicole wants to know if she’s still Jionni’s girlfriend.  Of course you aren’t.  Come on, dude.

New storyline: Deena wants to have sex with Pauly, whose nose is bleeding.  She puts it in the most enticing way possible, presenting “doing sex” with her almost as running an errand and … oh, hold on, Deena wants Pauly to do her harder than he did another girl.  This gets Snooki horny.  As I watch this, I have never felt less like having sex my whole life.  That night, the gang goes to another terrible club and Pauly tries to find a girl to bang so that he doesn’t have to have sex with Deena.  Evidently saying, “no thanks,” is not an option among the Jersey Shore cast.  Deena tells Pauly how great a lay she is, and Pauly tries to make Deena feel better by saying that if they weren’t friends, he’d “knock the dust off that pussy.”  If that’s the case, Deena really should buy some Pledge.  Or maybe I’m getting confused because I just cleaned my apartment.  Anyway, they don’t have sex, and so the world doesn’t end.  Thank goodness.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: I wrote a thesis on the identity crisis of Snooki, while she cried for her boyfriend and then had sex with one of her roommates.  Perhaps I’m overthinking these recaps.

This week: we begin on the morning after of shame.  Snooki wakes up at 7 am, which is evidently a first for her.  She wakes up Jenny because she “needs a girlfriend to talk to,” and I’m left to wonder what exactly J-Woww gets out of this relationship.  Snooki’s cover story is that she and Jionni were broken up.  Let’s put this in our pockets in case we need it for later.  Jenny tells Snooki about what Mike said about her last night and Nicole freaks out.  Mike comes in to see what the hubbub is and he gets yelled at, so the Situation decides it’s time to call … the Unit.

Yes, evidently Mike has a friend he calls the Unit.  Now if the Situation has his name because of his abs, does the Unit have his name because of … ewww!  I don’t want to know that about my friend, let alone call him that all the time.  Anyway, Mike talks to the Unit and confirms that he had sex with Snooki while the Unit had sex with Ryder.  Snooki’s story is crumbling by the minute.

The girls go to breakfast and Snooki has two mimosas and complains about Mike.  It’s good that Jenny got up early for this.  Back at the house, Mike puts together a master plan to find out who the rat in the house is: he’s going to tell a lie, namely that the Unit is calling Jionni to tell him that Mike had sex with Snooki, and see who spreads that rumor.  Immediately the girls say that they have to tell Snooki.  Quite a plan.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: The cast, who delight in finding the tiniest reason to break up with someone, were shocked and horrified that Jionni (whose name rivals Ringer’s Siobhan in how tired I am of typing it) ditched Snooki when she chose to show everything below her waist to the clubgoers at Space Laser Super Good Time Disco, or whatever it was called.  As Ronnie should have said, never recognize your own hypocrisy on the Jersey Shore.

It’s the next day and Pauly, Ronnie, and Deena go to work hung-over.  Pauly explains that when people are hung-over, he likes to be loud and crazy.  Pauly thinks that makes him funny but it actually makes him horrible.  Deena is furiously insulted by her boss Marco when he GASP! asks her to do her job and clean the bathroom.  What a slave driver!

Snooki wakes up and tried to call Jionni, but she only gets voice mail.  Snooks tries to talk to J-Woww about her problem,  thus forgetting how she didn’t want to have anything to do with Jenny the night before.  Snooki goes to the local bar (at like 10 in the morning, I’d imagine) to drink and dance all by herself.  After yelling her story at people in the bar and then telling them not to look at her like she’s crazy, Snooki continues acting crazy.  Bored with this, she goes back home and calls her dad and berates him for not understanding.  Then she berates Jenny for not being there the absolute second that Snooki wanted her, and after this and last week’s episode I’m fully convinced that Snooki is Snooki because everybody lets her be Snooki.  If they maybe actually demanded some kind of quasi-adult behavior from her, she might begin to act like an adult.  More and more, I’m moving over to Jionni’s side.  If he changes his name, I’m fully on board.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: The show finally got good when Snooki and Deena got super drunk and ruined another city in Italy, all while trying to eat each other’s faces.  Then things got super serious when Snooki hit a police car, and we all remembered that Snooki isn’t a delightful character on a tv show; she’s an actual person who makes decisions that have real consequences.  That part was a bummer.

This week, in true Jersey Shore misdirection fashion, we learn that in the breathalyzer test we saw last week, Snooki blew a zero.  This isn’t the first time Snooki’s blown a zero.  Rimshot!  I should end this recap right now, that joke’s so great!  Anyway, Snooki & Deena get thrown in the back of a cop car. Mike, Pauly, and Vinny show up with the license, but it’s too late.  Our young heroine has been taken to the hoosegow!

The boys arrive at the police station, and I’m a little shocked this is the first time they’ve been there.  And then after, as Mike puts it, “molto, molto paperwork,” they spring Deena and Nicole.  We learn that Snooki can’t drive in Italy anymore, she has to pay some fines, and … that’s it.  Wait, you’re serious, Jersey Shore?  All of this for just that?  Come on, show!  I apologize.  What I said before about Snooki being a person whose decisions have real consequences is clearly not true.

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