Grouch Potato

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The now defunct bracket project and why it was the worst fucking idea ever.

March 15, 2011 in grouch potato by offcolortv | 10 comments

I am grumpy.  Be warned.

This fucking bracket thing has taken over my goddamn life and I hate it and I’m done.  I can’t get the brackets to work, no matter what I try–no Photoshop, no printing and writing in, no drawing them my goddamn self.  NOTHING.  It took like five years to gather all the pairings, narrow them down, get them sorted out, I dragged Nicole into it … at every step of this monster I think it’s going to get easier and at every turn is another fucking nightmare and NO MORE.  The real turning point for me tonight was when I tweeted that this whole thing made me want to quit my blog and I TOTALLY meant it.

You guys … I don’t get paid to do this.  It’s for fun.  And when it’s not fun, there’s no point.  So I doubt anyone was really looking that forward to this but if you were, I’m sorry to disappoint you.  Sometimes you just think something is a good idea and find out later you were wrong and if you think it’s never happened to you, just look at your sixth grade school picture, okay?

Still, I think that we can all agree that this would’ve ended in a Troy and Abed victory, so I’m going to go ahead and declare them victorious.  And I DID promise prizes for awesome commenting, and I do still want to go ahead with that.  So periodically throughout March Madness, I’ll be announcing winners.  I’ll put a post up tomorrow about what the prizes will be (and, also, as promised, they’ll be shitty-but-awesome).  We’ll find ways to keep ourselves entertained and I don’t know about you, but for me, I am going to mainline a shitload of Buffy.

Alright.  I have blogging to do.  Interestingly, announcing that I am never looking at another bracket again has made me like my blog again.  Go figure.  And stay tuned for prize info!

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Grouch Potato. The “Jerry Seinfeld Can Kiss My Conan-Loving Ass” Edition.

January 11, 2010 in grouch potato by offcolortv | 9 comments

Oh man.  It’s been awhile since I did a good grouch potato, but fucking Jerry Seinfeld really has this one coming.  I have been (and still am) waiting to see how this whole Jay and Conan thing shakes out before I really go for it, because I want to see exactly HOW pissed I should be.  Obviously, as not only a Jay hater but a Conan lover, I know I will be pissed in some form.  But for now, I’m letting my hatred stew.

Jerry Seinfeld, though?  Oh, it is on.  First of all, I think you should all click over to this article and then come back.  It’s short, but it’ll spike your blood pressure, I can tell you that.

What the fuck is that about?  Is Jerry Seinfeld Jay Leno’s fucking pit bull now?  Is he the Sarah Palin to his John McCain?  No, he is worse … he’s the goddamn motherfucking Dick Cheney to his George W. Bush, defending his mistakes, deflecting attention off of the real problem and putting it onto someone who has just gotten utterly screwed in the deal.  Well fuck you Jerry Seinfeld, and fuck you too Jay Leno, for bitching out on saying it yourself and instead sending out a washed up has-been to do your dirty work.  And if you didn’t send him out, at least have the decency to tell him to shut the fuck up.   Fuck you both, you tacky, trashy, tasteless, classless assholes.

Also, Jerry Seinfeld, I am not done with you.  Fuck you and fuck NBC because this is not goddamn 1994 and you have no business back on TV because YOU AREN’T FUNNY ANYMORE.  Fuck you for The Marriage Ref, which is going to be a sure fucking failure that no one is going to watch because it’s a stupid idea.  And going back in time, fuck you for Bee Movie and fuck you up the ass with a rusty drill bit for “TV Juniors”, which made me want to go on a fucking killing spree, okay?  GOD.

And so, in conclusion, I thought Miley Cyrus needed to shut the fuck up, but congratulations, Jerry Seinfeld.  You have eclipsed Miley Cyrus.  Miley fucking Cyrus, of the “I don’t listen to pop music” bullshit.  You should be very proud.  And you should also shut the fuck up, motherfucker.

Asshole.

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Spamalot.

December 29, 2009 in grouch potato by offcolortv | No comments

You guys, I just want to apologize for all the spam I’ve been getting.  I’m working on it now and I added like five anti-spam plug-ins to my blog this morning so I’m hoping something works.  I thought I had a handle on things, but it turns out that spammers are much, much smarter than me.  Unfortunately, I have a feeling that people who subscribed to comments are getting equally spammed in their inboxes, which is SO not what I want to happen so I just want to say I’m sorry and that I’m trying to figure it out (without making you enter those annoying captcha words to comment–I HATE that).  I love you guys, and I’d never try to spam you!  I hate spam in a can, and also on the internet.

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Hulu. Napster called, it’s having deja vu.

October 26, 2009 in off-color commentary by offcolortv | 5 comments

You know, I have been so completely irritated with Hulu since I heard that they were going to start charging for content, and I even posted a tweet that some of you may have seen claiming that the day Hulu starts charging is the day I never go there again, and I gave them a big ol’ “peace out, bitches”.  My friend Andy, who is slightly more reasonable than me (and let’s not kid ourselves, EVERYONE is MUCH more reasonable than me), said that he would pay for certain features and that HD Hulu would be really nice.

Well, that got me thinking about whether there were any circumstances that I would pay for Hulu, and I actually think that there are a couple.  But before I get to that, let me just say this: I was a freshman in college when Napster really blew up and got huge, and at least for me, that was an amazing time of discovering music and finding bands that otherwise, I never would’ve heard of.  I’d download all KINDS of stuff, just to try it out and see if I liked it.  And then if I did, I’d go buy CDs, burn songs onto mix CDs for my friends, who would then like it too, and they’d buy CDs, and then we’d all road trip to concerts together.  I was introduced to so much music through Napster, and I spent so much more time and money with it back then, when it was “free”, than I do now, when it’s not.  And you know, at the time, I thought I’d be willing to pay monthly or yearly for Napster for unlimited downloads, but by the time the whole thing got figured out, the music execs had acted like such greedy assholes that I celebrated the downfall of the music industry.  Hell yeah I did.  I didn’t want music to fail, but whatever was going on with the business side, I just knew I could do without forever.

Now, fast forward like ten years, and you can really only hope that television has learned from music (and suspect that they have not).  I once read someone describing Napster as like a radio station that everyone was listening to, which is so rare in the kind of media environment we live with, and I flash back to that when I think of Hulu now.  If television can be profitable by selling commercials on TV, then to me, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be able to by selling ads on the internet–that makes no sense to me at all.  And I do think, if it’s done wrong, what they’ll end up with is less money and more creative pirates.  Call me crazy, but I’ve seen it.

One of the things that I adamantly told Andy was that I already pay for TV, and it’s called “TV”.  Why would I pay to watch it on the internet when I already have cable and a DVR?  And I can sit on my couch and not at my desk?  It makes no sense.  But then I thought about it, and there are times I pay for content on iTunes, so maybe there are situations where I’d pay for Hulu.  Probably not many of them, but a couple.  I know this is already long, so thanks for sticking with me, and let’s dive in.

For me to actually pay for Hulu, it would have to be cheaper than iTunes.  Even if it’s the same price AND easier, I’d still go with iTunes, because I have more interest in seeing Apple succeed than Hulu, at this point.  And iTunes is easier to get to from my desktop, and I didn’t have to do anything to get it there–it just came that way.  I’m lazy.

Secondly, if I were paying per episode (as with iTunes), it would have to play on my MP3 player or there’s again, no point in going with that over iTunes.  Unless it was significantly cheaper, and then maybe.  But I mean … SIGNIFICANTLY.

Third, if I’m paying for it, there better not be ads.  I absolutely refuse to pay to watch ads.  I’ll wait for it on DVD, or Netflix, or I’ll set my DVR on the cable I already pay for.  And I will celebrate your demise.  No ads does carry some appeal, though.

Fourth, I would absolutely consider paying a subscription fee if full seasons were available.  My guess is that this would completely fuck the cable companies though, and they wouldn’t allow it.  If I had quick and full access to everything I wanted to watch, I’d switch over and cut my cable out entirely.  I can see why Comcast has a vested interest in getting involved with Hulu.

Fifth, I would maybe pay Hulu if they got stuff up faster than iTunes or OnDemand.  I’m a TV blogger, and sometimes I need things faster than the next day–midnight would be nice, or immediately after something airs on the west coast. 

I suppose that all of these scenarios depend on Hulu being either pay per episode (or movie, which no–there’s no circumstance where I’d pay them for movies when I have Netflix) or by subscription, which are the ones that are easiest for me think about because they’re what I know.  If Hulu came up with some entirely different model, I suppose I’d be forced to consider it.

My feeling, though, is that once Hulu goes to a charge-for-content model, I’ll be there a lot less.  I like to go now for clips and occasionally for episodes of something that I missed, and if say clips were still available, I’d probably still visit, but if it’s ALL for a price, doubtful.  I still don’t understand why, when you have a site that’s popular and that TONS of people visit, why you can’t make advertising dollars work, but … whatever.  Like I said, I saw it go down with the music biz and I think I’m a little jaded, but I know that pretty much whatever the fans want and the public says will fall on deaf ears and what’s going to happen is going to happen.  I’m totally curious to see this whole thing play out, and I’m assuming we’ll revisit this in the future.

Anybody else have any thoughts they’d like to share?

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Grouch Potato: The “NBC is SOOO Pissing Me Off” Edition.

October 20, 2009 in grouch potato by offcolortv | 5 comments

NBC is my favorite network.  Consequently, it also really fucking infuriates me and I want to kick them in the shins and piss in their flower garden because OH MY GOD, could you guys possibly suck any more?  No, don’t answer that.  We ALL fucking know you can find a way.

I mean SERIOUSLY.  I wish they would just be shitty across the board so I could ignore them entirely, but I can’t because I’m madly in love with The Office and Community, regular in love with 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation, and on top of all this, I’m 100% Chuck’s bitch.  And I liked Heroes up until this season, which has become impressively WTF, and not in the good way.

The absolute biggest offense for me, and I’ve avoided talking about it so far because it makes me so mad, is this whole Jay Leno mess.  Let’s get one thing straight.  I LOVE CONAN.  I am a Conan girl, I think he’s the best, and I could not WAIT for him to take The Tonight Show.  And then this whole Jay thing happens and it straight up, no question, not to even mention no class, FUCKS CONAN.  And that was the moment when I decided that I would never, and I mean NEVER watch Jay’s show.  Because are you kidding me?  How goddamn tacky can you get? 

I mean, I watched Jay on The Tonight Show and he was fine.  Not especially funny, but fine, ignorable, whatever.  But I fucking hate what he did to Conan and I do not support it, so not ONLY will I not watch his show, but I will actively turn the channel to not watch it.  Do you hear that, Jay’s sponsors?  I TURN THE CHANNEL!

In a way (a really stupid way, IMO), I think NBC was trying to protect Conan by not having Jay compete with him.  What they’ve ended up doing to him is so much worse.  MAKE IT STOP.  Seriously. 

You know, there isn’t a lot else that can be said that hasn’t already been said, many times, and much better, by the entire internet, so whatever, let’s move on.

So about this Biggest Loser bullshit.  Yes, LET’S make an entire other show devoted to it, because one isn’t enough.  Listen, NBC–we all know that The Biggest Loser is the only timeslot where you’re even kind of competitive, but newsflash: it’s not because The Biggest Loser is such great and original programming–it’s because there isn’t dick to watch on TV on Tuesdays, so why not take this opportunity to do put on some original programming or give something new a shot?  Oh right.  Because you’re NBC.  Well, congratulations on your latest piece of crap that I won’t be watching.

And finally, yes, I know I should’ve just broken this post into three parts, but I like to purge all my hate in huge chunks, just like I purge my dinner in huge chunks when I think about your programming schedule (Thursday night comedies exempt).  I can’t believe I am actually STILL having to talk about ER, but for god’s sake, you clearly did not figure it out so let me lay this out for you.  The reason you finally, like five years (minimum) too late, cancelled ER is because it sucked.  It was boring and we’d all been there, done that. 

Words cannot express how happy I was when ER got cancelled.  I was like, PRAISE JAY-ZUS! because finally, something that wasn’t a total buzzkill might be able to take over that time slot.  HA!  HAHAHAHA!  What was I thinking?  Chuck would be perfect in that timeslot, and so that is OBVIOUSLY the last place you’ll ever put it, because first, we had to put Southland there, which you claimed was the ER of cop shows.  Well, that didn’t work out and now we have … dum dum dum … JAY LENO there!  Talk about a turd in the punch bowl!

So you scrapped Southland and now there are TWO hospital shows that I could care less about?  NBC, get a fucking clue.  ER is over.  It’s done.  Move on.  You’re like that creepy guy who graduates high school and can’t let it go, so he keeps showing up at football games and in the parking lot after school, and there are a couple of losers who want to hang out with him because he scored a touchdown once or will buy them shitty beer from the gas station across the street, but mostly he just makes everyone sad.  Do you hear me?  YOU ARE THAT GUY NOW!  Forget about fucking ER already and find something else! 

Also, can someone please tell Lorne Michaels that Kristen Wiig is not funny?  Thanks.

Alright, that was a TON of intense bitching.  Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.  But I’m not done.  I’m not just bitching for the sake of it, I want to see this network pull its shit together and stop sucking, so I have some thoughts.  Let’s go.

First of all, and most importantly, and I mean this sincerely, NBC–you have got to quit trying to make your viewers like total crap just because you want them to and because it’s cheap to produce.  You are the only network on TV right now that treats its viewers like they’re stupid, and we feel that.  And we’re mad about it.  You need to spend more time figuring out what people like and want to see, and about what makes you different from other networks.  Because until you do that, and until you quit trying to just come up with the cheapest shit that you can make to keep your head (barely) above water, you’re just a sinking ship that no one wants to be on.

For me, the best thing you have going is your comedy, and you’ve always been strong with that.  Your Thursday nights kick ass, and you’ve got Chuck ready to jump on the scene at any moment.  And you’ve got Conan, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  There’s so much working for you that surely to God you can find a way to parlay that into some sort of success. 

And here’s also what I don’t understand–you’ve had some really cool things in the past couple years, for example Kings, and Fear Itself.  Those shows were both really good but just had no shot at success due to marketing, scheduling, etc.  Give these things a chance to succeed, and find innovative ways to MAKE them succeed. 

And adjust your expectations.  Flat out, you can’t compete with ABC or CBS for numbers anymore.  You can barely compete with Fox.  You obviously have a willingness to let ratings go with Jay, so maybe just let it go a little bit with some other things too and focus on quality, because I guarantee, if you can rebuild a QUALITY lineup, people will find their way back.  But you guys have done SERIOUS damage to your brand, and it’s going to take awhile to repair that.  And I’ll tell you right now, Leno and Biggest Loser spin-offs aren’t the way to woo your audience back.

Do something, because I can’t keep having this love/hate relationship with you.  It’s making me into a bitter old hag and I’m not even 30 yet.  That is uncool.

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Grouch Potato: Always Sunny Edition

October 5, 2009 in grouch potato by offcolortv | 5 comments

What in product placement hell was this botched abortion of an episode?

You know, I would rather stick my head in an oven filled with baking cat turds than watch a half hour commercial for Dave & Busters under the guise of actual television.  I am so pissed off at Always Sunny that it makes me mad all over again just thinking about it.  Everyone involved in this trainwreck should be ashamed of themselves.

You know, I have given Always Sunny a lot of leeway because the first couple seasons were so hilarious, and I even forgave the travesty of this past season, ESPECIALLY the Liberty Bell episode, because at least there was Who Pooped the Bed? and The Day Man Opera, and I let its series recording stand on my DVR.

But now, we are on thin ice.  Liberty Bell was strike one.  This piece of shit is strike two, and it’s almost grounds for immediate expulsion from the league, frankly.  But I am a kind and benevolent DVR ruler, and I will give this show until strike three and then I am fucking finished.

Do you know what the worst part is, though?  It’s that I feel betrayed.  BETRAYED!  This isn’t like when Smallville brought Product Placement Pete back for an episode revolving entirely around Stride gum.  No, this is much, much worse, because I expect a certain level of suck from Smallville (no offense, Smallville–I love you and catch up on every season on DVD, but we both know it’s a little true). 

This is worse because I know how awesome this show can be.  It gave us Day Man.  And Green Man.  The McPoyles.  Rock, Flag and Eagle.  Dee and Dennis going on welfare and getting addicted to CRACK, for god’s sake!  So this is just so fucking offensive and INSULTING.  I sort of hate everyone involved with this show right now.

This is like, your best friend, who is really cool and funny, starts dating some douchebag who unironically wears an FBI: Female Body Inspector t-shirt.  This is like your boyfriend, who loves Led Zeppelin and has the same favorite Rolling Stones song as you suddenly forcing you to listen to “Butterfly Kisses” on repeat.  This is like all of a sudden you’re standing face to face with yourself, and this version of you has arrived from the future to tell your current self that you love nothing more than a good pair of mom jeans and reading Dan Brown novels.  It’s like … UGH.  How could you DO this to me?  You’re better than this!  I TRUSTED YOU!

I really don’t know about the future of my relationship with Always Sunny is at this point.  I’m still going to watch it, but so help me god if I EVER hear the words “Dave & Busters” out of any of their mouths again … 

And seriously, if you really need the money that badly to stay on the air, then just let the fucking show die an honorable death.  This episode was TRAGIC.  And if this shit keeps up, you are on a very serious path of doom of epic Jason Lee proportions, and I don’t mean awesome, hilarious Mallrats Jason Lee–I mean fucking Alvin & the Chipmunks Jason Lee, okay?  Pull yourselves together!

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