NBC is my favorite network. Consequently, it also really fucking infuriates me and I want to kick them in the shins and piss in their flower garden because OH MY GOD, could you guys possibly suck any more? No, don’t answer that. We ALL fucking know you can find a way.
I mean SERIOUSLY. I wish they would just be shitty across the board so I could ignore them entirely, but I can’t because I’m madly in love with The Office and Community, regular in love with 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation, and on top of all this, I’m 100% Chuck’s bitch. And I liked Heroes up until this season, which has become impressively WTF, and not in the good way.
The absolute biggest offense for me, and I’ve avoided talking about it so far because it makes me so mad, is this whole Jay Leno mess. Let’s get one thing straight. I LOVE CONAN. I am a Conan girl, I think he’s the best, and I could not WAIT for him to take The Tonight Show. And then this whole Jay thing happens and it straight up, no question, not to even mention no class, FUCKS CONAN. And that was the moment when I decided that I would never, and I mean NEVER watch Jay’s show. Because are you kidding me? How goddamn tacky can you get?
I mean, I watched Jay on The Tonight Show and he was fine. Not especially funny, but fine, ignorable, whatever. But I fucking hate what he did to Conan and I do not support it, so not ONLY will I not watch his show, but I will actively turn the channel to not watch it. Do you hear that, Jay’s sponsors? I TURN THE CHANNEL!
In a way (a really stupid way, IMO), I think NBC was trying to protect Conan by not having Jay compete with him. What they’ve ended up doing to him is so much worse. MAKE IT STOP. Seriously.
You know, there isn’t a lot else that can be said that hasn’t already been said, many times, and much better, by the entire internet, so whatever, let’s move on.
So about this Biggest Loser bullshit. Yes, LET’S make an entire other show devoted to it, because one isn’t enough. Listen, NBC–we all know that The Biggest Loser is the only timeslot where you’re even kind of competitive, but newsflash: it’s not because The Biggest Loser is such great and original programming–it’s because there isn’t dick to watch on TV on Tuesdays, so why not take this opportunity to do put on some original programming or give something new a shot? Oh right. Because you’re NBC. Well, congratulations on your latest piece of crap that I won’t be watching.
And finally, yes, I know I should’ve just broken this post into three parts, but I like to purge all my hate in huge chunks, just like I purge my dinner in huge chunks when I think about your programming schedule (Thursday night comedies exempt). I can’t believe I am actually STILL having to talk about ER, but for god’s sake, you clearly did not figure it out so let me lay this out for you. The reason you finally, like five years (minimum) too late, cancelled ER is because it sucked. It was boring and we’d all been there, done that.
Words cannot express how happy I was when ER got cancelled. I was like, PRAISE JAY-ZUS! because finally, something that wasn’t a total buzzkill might be able to take over that time slot. HA! HAHAHAHA! What was I thinking? Chuck would be perfect in that timeslot, and so that is OBVIOUSLY the last place you’ll ever put it, because first, we had to put Southland there, which you claimed was the ER of cop shows. Well, that didn’t work out and now we have … dum dum dum … JAY LENO there! Talk about a turd in the punch bowl!
So you scrapped Southland and now there are TWO hospital shows that I could care less about? NBC, get a fucking clue. ER is over. It’s done. Move on. You’re like that creepy guy who graduates high school and can’t let it go, so he keeps showing up at football games and in the parking lot after school, and there are a couple of losers who want to hang out with him because he scored a touchdown once or will buy them shitty beer from the gas station across the street, but mostly he just makes everyone sad. Do you hear me? YOU ARE THAT GUY NOW! Forget about fucking ER already and find something else!
Also, can someone please tell Lorne Michaels that Kristen Wiig is not funny? Thanks.
Alright, that was a TON of intense bitching. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. But I’m not done. I’m not just bitching for the sake of it, I want to see this network pull its shit together and stop sucking, so I have some thoughts. Let’s go.
First of all, and most importantly, and I mean this sincerely, NBC–you have got to quit trying to make your viewers like total crap just because you want them to and because it’s cheap to produce. You are the only network on TV right now that treats its viewers like they’re stupid, and we feel that. And we’re mad about it. You need to spend more time figuring out what people like and want to see, and about what makes you different from other networks. Because until you do that, and until you quit trying to just come up with the cheapest shit that you can make to keep your head (barely) above water, you’re just a sinking ship that no one wants to be on.
For me, the best thing you have going is your comedy, and you’ve always been strong with that. Your Thursday nights kick ass, and you’ve got Chuck ready to jump on the scene at any moment. And you’ve got Conan, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. There’s so much working for you that surely to God you can find a way to parlay that into some sort of success.
And here’s also what I don’t understand–you’ve had some really cool things in the past couple years, for example Kings, and Fear Itself. Those shows were both really good but just had no shot at success due to marketing, scheduling, etc. Give these things a chance to succeed, and find innovative ways to MAKE them succeed.
And adjust your expectations. Flat out, you can’t compete with ABC or CBS for numbers anymore. You can barely compete with Fox. You obviously have a willingness to let ratings go with Jay, so maybe just let it go a little bit with some other things too and focus on quality, because I guarantee, if you can rebuild a QUALITY lineup, people will find their way back. But you guys have done SERIOUS damage to your brand, and it’s going to take awhile to repair that. And I’ll tell you right now, Leno and Biggest Loser spin-offs aren’t the way to woo your audience back.
Do something, because I can’t keep having this love/hate relationship with you. It’s making me into a bitter old hag and I’m not even 30 yet. That is uncool.