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Marry, Fuck or Kill: Friday & Weekend Shows!

October 14, 2011 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 18 comments


You guys, this week has been SO much fun!  Thanks for all of your comments and Twitter pimping – you rock!  We’ve covered Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday and now we’ve reached our final destination on this week long journey of reflection and self-discovery.  Friday’s kind of quiet on tv, but there are still epic battles to be had (hello, we have to choose between Winchesters!), and we’re including some weekend tv to boot, so let’s get to the main event.  As you all know by now, my picks are in purple and SB’s are in blue:

Fringe

So, truth be told, I haven’t watched this show since around the middle of season 2 (I like it, I just fell behind and haven’t had a chance to catch up), so I’m pretty sure that there are a billion characters I don’t know, and probably 3 versions of each character that I do know, but here goes: I’d marry Peter (unless he’s dead? or evil?  he was nice and Pacey-like the last time I saw him), eff Astrid cause she’s sassy, and kill Olivia because she has the emotional depth of an automaton (at least she did, I think there are 6 different Olivias now, so one or more of them might be interesting).

Yeah, I had to stop watching this in S1 because of how much I hated Anna Torv.  So based on that and like the four or five episodes I watched, kill her, fuck Pacey, and marry the old guy.  God, is there anything better than a hilarious and eccentric old man with an accent?  No, there is not.

Chuck

Oh this post is making me feel so guilty, because it’s also been a while since I’ve seen Chuck.  The last ep I saw was the one where Chuck proposed to Sarah – I know, I know – I’m going to catch up I promise.  ANYWAY I feel perfectly comfortable making my picks regardless.  I’d marry Chuck as long he promised to stop being a whiny bitch about our relationship at all times and ESPECIALLY while we’re being attacked by bad guys – he really needs to learn a few things about timing, that guy.  I’m having a hard time figuring out who I’d eff between Captain Awesome and Sarah because they are equally hot.  Probably Sarah to be honest – the girl is pretty smokin’ and she usually has weapons strapped to her which is kinda sexy.  I’d kill Jeff because he is gross.  

Awww, Chuck.  I’m a little sorry to see it come to an end, but I also sort of think it’s time.  I’m going to fuck Sarah.  This doesn’t even need an explanation if you’ve ever seen her in a girl fight.  Or strapping a weapon to her leg.  Or dancing.  She OOZES sex.  And while I thought about marrying Ellie (again, I like being taken care of), I can’t go through with it because I’m gonna marry Casey.  And even though I will never be able to follow his portrayer on Twitter again, I thankfully unfollowed in enough time that my Casey (and Jayne, from Firefly) love remained untainted, and I am in it with Casey for the long haul.  We will have a very opposites attract kind of thing going on, obviously, since I am not down with … pretty much anything he’s down with.  But he’s so BIG.  And I’m going to kill Big Mike.  Never been a fan.

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Marry, Fuck or Kill: Thursday Shows!

October 13, 2011 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 56 comments

It’s here.  We’ve covered Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday shows, and now the epic battle is finally upon us.  Thursday has so many shows that we love, and so many characters that make us happy in the pants, so it’s time to make the difficult choices.  As usual, my picks are in purple and SB’s are in blue.  Now let’s do this:

Community

I thought I’d have trouble with this show because I love so many people on it, but actually, I think it’s kind of easy for me, as long as I divide it by gender.  As for the girls, I’d fuck Annie (she’s hot, but she’s so goddamn needy), marry Britta (hot and also annoying but if I’m being honest, she’s annoying in the same way that I can be annoying so it would probably work out) and kill Shirley (sorry Shirley, but your voice makes me die inside just a little).  With the boys, I’d fuck Jeff, because he’s so pretty, super tall and he looks so hot in a leather jacket.  But you know nothing’s going to last with him, so it’s just a one night thing.  I’d marry Troy – is anyone NOT marrying Troy?  He’s hot, hilarious, and he we could sing La Bibliotheca together every night before bed in our BLANKET FORT.  And obviously I’m killing Pierce because he is awful.

Even though it seems like I should divide this show by gender, I can’t.  I really feel like any girl that I decided to marry would only end in killing anyway.  I could MAYBE pick fuck (Britta), but ultimately, we all know I’m going to go for Jeff, partly for the attitude but mostly for the height.  And like Nicole, I would marry Troy (he’s the only person in that group who isn’t horrible, irritating, or otherwise challenged), and kill Pierce.  Pierce is the WORST (and so is Chevy Chase, even though we aren’t NECESSARILY supposed to be making this about real people, but also, we make the rules, SO …).

The Office

Okay, so first and foremost, I’m marrying Jim Halpert, no questions asked.  I’ve pretty much wanted to marry Jim Halpert since season 1 so this is kind of a no-brainer.  I’m having a hard time with who I’d pick to fuck though because other than Jim…there isn’t really anyone…OH.  I just thought of the perfect person, and I’m picking a guest star because our rules are loose so it’s allowed.  Danny Fucking Cordray, otherwise known as Tim Olyphant.  RIGHT?!?  There is no other option when Tim Olyphant is in the room.  And if he could wear Raylan Givens’ white Stetson, all the better.  You know who I’d kill?  I feel kind of badly about this, but Meredith.  I’ve just never found the character funny and in fact her drunken slut thing is so one-note that I kind of cringe now when she gets involved.  

Agreed that Jim is the perfect husband.  No question.  As for kill, I’d probably go for Stanley because I feel like he contributes the least to the overall dynamic.  The fuck one is really hard though because the nature of the show is that people are drawn out to be a little pathetic and sad.  So here’s my thought process–Phyllis is clearly a freak, but I don’t think I could go through with it.  Kelly for sure has a crazy side, which could add something to the sex, but she might actually be TOO crazy.  Darryl is, obviously, awesome, but I think the dry demeanor would be too unnerving for the fuck pick.  I do agree with Nicole on Danny Cordray/Timothy Olyphant being extraordinarily fuckable, but in the interest of switching it up, I’m gonna go with Mose.  He doesn’t talk, and you know that living on a farm has taught him a thing or two about a thing or two about DOIN’ IT.  Also, he doesn’t talk and he has a beard.  I’m good with all that.  (Plus, as long as we’re confusing fiction and reality, I think Mike Schur is the funniest ever.)

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Marry, Fuck or Kill. Wednesday Shows!

October 12, 2011 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 25 comments

We started off with lots of good options on Monday, and then Tuesday we had to deal with that albatross around (most of) our necks that is Glee.  But today we enter the big time you guys.  Starting today, and every other day this week, there are killer shows with even more killer options for the game (but be warned: that just makes things more difficult), so I’m going to stop beating around the bush now (that’s what she said?) and just get on with it. As always, my picks are in purple and SB’s are in blue:

Up All Night

There aren’t many people to choose from yet on this show, but I definitely know who my picks are, so here goes: I would marry Reagan because we are very much alike – we could spend our days driving around in our big sexy sunglasses, and our nights getting sloshed on wine and singing karaoke.  I’d fuck Ava’s ex B-Ro, because he’s Jorma Taccone from The Lonely Island and isn’t that enough?  Lastly, I’d kill Missy, Ava’s assistant, because she’s annoying as all get out.

B-Ro is an amazing pick, BUT I’m gonna stick to the main three.  I would marry Will Arnett because hello, Will Arnett.  Although his character would have to get a job.  I’d fuck Reagan because hello, girl obviously knows her way around a fantasy, and of course, I would kill Ava because her character is SO GODDAMN ANNOYING.  Seriously, I need her off the show.

Suburgatory

This is another show with only a handful of characters so far, but again – I’m all set.  I’m marrying Billy Chenowith George, because obviously.  I’m gonna kill Dalia, because she’s baby Paris Hilton, and that kind of creature should not be allowed to walk this earth.  As for who I’d hit up for a one night stand?  No question – Ryan, the ab-tastic neighbor with the amazing ass who wants to have dinner with Scarlett Johannson’s corpse.  For legal reasons, let me just say that I am assuming that Ryan is an 18-year-old senior (no pedo), and let’s face it – he could even be 19 or 20.  He has to have been held back in school at LEAST once, right? (For the record, the IMDb perv check tells me the actor is 23, so we’re all good!  It also tells me he was in a movie called Gingerbread Man 2: The Passion of the Crust, so do with that information what you will.)

Well, shit!  Ryan wasn’t even on my list, in spite of the Scarlett Johanssen dead line, until I just heard about Gingerbread Man 2: The Passion of the Crust.  Will that joke ever get old for me?  Doubt it.  My favorite version of it was at a pizza place in Indianapolis, where not only did they have a Passion of the Crust t-shirt, but they also included a pun (that escapes me at the moment) replacing Jesus with “cheeses”.  Hee!  Also, while trying to find said pun, I discovered that the movie was actually GingerDEAD Man 2.  Amazing.  

Well, that was a good tangent but now down to business.  For fucking, really, I think my only choice is George.  But everything I’ve ever seen Jeremy Sisto in (except this), he’s been a total asshole.  So I think I’ll go with Tessa.  She’s got the lesbian boots to pull it off.  I’m going to marry Dallas, since she seems nice, cheerful, and thoughtful, and like she’d probably take care of things so I wouldn’t have to.  Killing Dalia is a no-brainer (like her).

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Marry, Fuck or Kill: Tuesday Shows!

October 11, 2011 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 27 comments

We had a ton of fun with our first MFK post yesterday in which we had a very mature, high-minded discussion with respect to the various characters on Monday night tv and the types of things we might like to do with and/or to them (click here if you missed it!).  Today, we continue the fun with Tuesday shows, and there are a few, so let’s get to it (as usual, my comments are in purple while SB’s are in blue):

Glee

Yes, Will - and now you must die.

Well, the ‘F’ part of this one is easy – his nickname even rhymes with fuck – Noah Puckerman and his weird mohawk any day of the week.  As for marriage, well, that’s when things get more difficult because almost everyone on this show is either terrible or gay.  If I was cool with a sexless marriage, I’d go for Blaine (though his incessant cheeriness might eventually prove problematic), but since I’m not, I’m going to go out on a limb and pick Burt Hummell.  Yes, Kurt’s dad. He’s cute, he’s a sweetie pie, he’s a business owner and it would make me Kurt’s (young, ahem) stepmom which I think would be fun. As for kill, I’m going to assume we can’t choose producers, head writers or creators of the show, so I’ll pick Schue.  It was a tossup between him and Sue, but honestly I’d get way more joy seeing that curly mop of hair disappear into a lake than I would with Sue, so Will it is.

Oh my GOD, Puck.  What an easy pick.  He’s the badboy of my fucking (literally) dreams.  But you know what?  This is such a big cast that I feel the need to make both girl and boy picks.  So boys first: Fuck Puck, marry Blaine (I’m good with his cheeriness and a sexless marriage as long as he never stops dancing … EVER–it’ll all be very Once More With Feeling), and kill Shue.  DEFINITELY.  Girls?  Fuck Santana (I KNOW Andy is gonna be on board), marry … oh man.  I’m gonna catch some shit for this one, but marry Holly Holiday.  I’m not kidding, you guys.  I know she’s Gwyneth, but she’s so funny and adventurous and I sort of love her.  And even though she’s Gwyneth, she’s not Gwyneth.  Not to get too existential on you.  And without any doubt in anyone’s mind, kill Rachel.  In a VERY bloody and brutal and prolonged way.

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Marry, Fuck or Kill: Monday Shows!

October 10, 2011 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 35 comments

Yes, the title is strategically placed.

SB and I were chatting the other day and thought it would be fun to play a game on the site, and what game is better suited to our particular style of cussing, bitching and drooling over hotness than Marry, Fuck or Kill?  Since there are many, MANY characters we’d like to M, F and/or K, we thought we’d break it down by day to make things a little more manageable.  We’re each going to make our own picks (mine in purple, SB’s in blue), but this is interactive! You guys have to leave your picks in the comments, okay?  And don’t feel limited to the three people we might pick – you can choose any three people from each show.  And for all you looky loos, what better way to start participating and getting to know the regular commenters than by telling us who you’d like to bone, wed or toss in front of a speeding train?

Ready? Ok!

Wait, wait, wait!  I am not ready!  I have to slightly disagree with your picture caption placement.  For me, It’s fuck MATTY (and I mean like … the NASTY kind), marry Jake (so sweet and patient and … marry-able).  Of course I’m with you all the way on killing that pumpkin pie hair-cutted freak, Ricky Schwartz.  Is anyone NOT on board with that?

NOW I’m ready!  Ok!

How I Met Your Mother

Well, marriage is easy.  I would marry Marshall in a heartbeat – who among us hasn’t wished to call Marshmallow our very own at one point or another?  My kill pick is also kind of easy – sorry Ted, I actually think I like you better than most fans of the show, but you’re still the whiniest bitch on TV since LUX got cancelled, so off with your head. As for who I’d fuck, I was obviously going to go with Barney, but here’s the thing: Barney is gross.  He has slept with at least 1/2 the female population of NYC and god knows what’s going on with him down there.  On the other hand, if I was ever going to test out the other team’s waters, I think I could do worse than Robin.  And she’s pretty hot when she’s all suited up with a cigar and a cocktail.  Robin it is.

Totally marry Marshall.  No question.  The birthdays alone would make that worth it.  My kill pick is tougher–I think I like Ted more than any other watcher of the show, and I still just feel very medium about him.  I wish some of the girlfriends were around, because killing Zoey and fucking Stella would be a given.  But that seems like cheating, so I’m gonna go with … fuck Lily (I feel like she’d be a little wild, and hello, Stripper Lily!), and kiiiiill … oh shit, whatever.  Just kill Ted.  But for the record, it wasn’t an easy call for me since Barney’s womanizing sometimes gets on my nerves and Robin doesn’t add much for me when she’s not being Robin Sparkles or talking about Canada (which I’m pretty sure is why Nicole wants to fuck her).

Hart of Dixie

This one is easy.  I would have married George even before seeing the pilot because Scott Porter was Jason Street and who wouldn’t marry Jason Street?  Texas Mississippi Forever!  (She means Alabama.  Forgive her, she’s Canadian.)  But even without the FNL points, George is obviously marriage material.  He’s hot, he’s funny, he isn’t afraid of alligators…perfection.  I find both Lavon and Wade very attractive and charming, so my fuck pick was more difficult, but I’m going with Wade for now, only because we’ve seen him in action and it was HOT. As for kill, well, as much as I’d love to take Lemon out (which would free up both George and Lavon, apparently), her father is a sexist jackass.  Bye, bye Dr. Breeland!

Alright.  So I STILL haven’t seen Friday Night Lights (I’m SORRY), so I have no special attachment to Scott Porter, who seems like an alright guy.  I’m having a hard time on who to marry here … George, who is cute and nice and a lawyer, which could really go either way (on the one hand, probably makes decent money, but on the other hand … LAWYER–sorry, Nicole), or Lavon, who is hot, funny, and the MAYOR.  So he’s no slouch in the nice house department either, plus, he gets stuff by smiling at people, which I find endlessly entertaining.  Still, I think I’d rather fuck Lavon so I guess I’ll just marry George and fuck Lavon on the side.  Probably much like Lemon’s future plans!  Man, me and that girl should be besties.  As for kill … there aren’t many choices yet, are there?  Oh, got it!  Rachel Bilson’s mom!  Do we think she’ll be back?  But seriously, she’s a bitch and while I enjoy a fun Mean Girl bitch (Lemon), bitchy mothers just stress me out.

Okay, that’s it for our picks – now it’s your turn!  Neither of us watch The Lying Game so we didn’t include it, but don’t let that stop you (or any other Monday show we didn’t cover).   We know that our readers have no shortage of opinions when it comes to love, sex and hate so get to it!  And be sure to come back for part two tomorrow – you don’t want to miss Glee and … Ringer, do you?  (You don’t.)

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