Well, I didn’t start to doze off 20 minutes into the show tonight and surely that counts for something? If you’d asked me four episodes ago if I’d be this apathetic about who won Top Chef All-Stars, I would have scoffed. The familiar faces! The personalities! The best of the best! How do you screw that up? Well, as I threw a hissy fit about last week, you keep having stupid challenges. But I’m afraid SB is right – when you send home the big personalities (Fabio, Dale), you’re left with what we have now, which is a group of competent chefs who are either obnoxious (Mike), have formerly charming quirks that turned obnoxious (Richard), or are just kinda there, like Burnt Sienna in a Crayon box (Antonia, Tiffany). I’m no longer rooting for anyone, just rooting actively against Mike Isabella. And that is not as fun you’d think.

So tonight’s Quickfire, as issued by Padma in the Bahamian Club kitchen (with guest judge Lorena Garcia, who will be on some new Bravo show called America’s Next Great Restaurant), was a test of the chefs’ consistency and precision skills. They were given an hour to conceptualize, cook, and plate 100 plates for diners already waiting in the dining room, and they had to do it in teams. F.M.I. and Blaise immediately paired off and got their pork bolognese with fresh macaroni on, while Tiffany and Antonia went “simple to make, difficult to plate” with a beef tenderloin salad topped with cilantro and chimichurri sauce. Keeping with the ultimate point of the challenge, the final plates were judges on the precision of the actual plating and the consistency of appearance, portion size, and taste across all plates, with the judges snagging two plates a piece for the taste test. It was actually a practical and trying challenge, particularly when it comes to plating. When you see 100 white plates stretched along a table, you definitely have to respect the task. F.M.I. and Blaise, hopped on the smell of each others’ arrogance, were certain they had the challenge in the bag, what with whipping out macaroni from scratch, but Tiffany and Antonia had four elements in plating and – though they went for a cold dish – the judges deemed their dish the most challenging to execute and named them the winners. Amusingly, they reveled extra-lots in the win while F.M.I. and Richard stood by looking like Padma had just given them papercuts on their genitals. Boo hoo.

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Well, we have our final four, and I’m having a difficult time caring. Is it me or have these last two episodes been…boring? Is it because the cheftestants are now annoying me? Is it because Richard Blaise, in particular, is annoying me? When he started talking about getting into Antonia’s head and essentially mentally sabotaging her, I wanted to reach through the screen and poke my finger in his eye. Really, Blaise? You choke in the final your season and now the answer is to mess with the competition? One – I think you’re giving yourself too much credit when it comes to espionage. Two – Screwing with Antonia’s game plan isn’t going to make your food any better, so why bother? Ugh. UGH.

The chefs arrived in the Bahamas and were immediately sent into the Quickfire where the Top Chef winner from each finalist’s season awaited them. So we had Carla versus Hosea (Season 5), F.M.I. versus Michael (Season 6), Tiffany versus Kevin (Season 7), and Richard and Antonia versus Stephanie (Season 4). Don’t even get me started on two of these Top Chefs in particular (cough, Hosea and Kevin, cough). The challenge: Head-to-head cook-off with their season’s winner, both using an ingredient handpicked by Tom. Once again this season, the challenge is not nearly as exciting as it sounds. Oh, sure, Hosea talked up wanting to prove he deserved his title, blah blah blergh, but let’s be real: THEY ALL WON. They don’t really have anything to prove. And they were cooking outside, which I loathe because it usually means someone’s equipment won’t work correctly (sorry, Antonia and Carla!) and it’s just not that exciting to watch. Yes, it’s a competition, and they have to test what the chefs are made of, no matter what environment they’re cooking in, but this should be more of an exceptional circumstance than it has been this season. I’m just over it and annoyed that this Quickfire in particular was done outside. It lent the entire challenge a throwaway feel when it should have at least pretended to have stakes (on the pride front).

Now that I’m done ranting about that: As much as I dislike F.M.I., I was glad he beat Michael Voltaggio in their head-to-head. Yeah, I said it. Voltaggio was the only one who seemed thirsty to win his challenge and, as F.M.I. explained, Michael absolutely dominated Season 6. I honestly think he went in there expecting to wipe the floor with F.M.I. but two of three judges (Eric Ripert was on hand) preferred F.M.I.’s cashew-dusted spiced duck breast with a mushroom jus to his citrus-cured and smoked duck breast with duck leg in bacon vinaigrette with a coffee and burnt leek pesto. (To be fair, the judges thought both were good, but F.M.I. “handled the duck better,” according to Colicchio.) Tiffany also defeated Kevin (her first win all season) with a pork stew flavored with citrus and allspice, and Richard won against Stephanie with veal prepared two ways, braised and seared, with raisins, carrots, potatoes, and mushrooms. Hosea took the win over Carla’s Jollof rice with harissa lamb, which suffered from undercooked rice, and Antonia lost to Stephanie with a very dry roasted veal. The only thing we really learned this challenge? Richard decided not to underestimate F.M.I. Well, good for you, Richard. It’s only THE FINAL.

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This week on Top Chef All-Stars: EVERYBODY STARTED FREAKING OUT. The aftermath of Dale’s elimination left our five remaining chefs a mess of insecurities, paranoia, and exhaustion, and (at least in Richard’s case) sadness. He also told Tiffany she was “invincible,” which was such a hilariously backhanded compliment, but I think she was too damned tired to be offended. But the energy turned manic when Padma appeared in the chefs’ house to issue their Quickfire Challenge: Board a ferry to Ellis Island, where they would create a dish using only the ingredients found in the dock’s snack bar in the time it took for the ferry to make a trip.

Yes, another dreaded processed food challenge, and not in that entertaining “here’s an entire gas station’s worth of ingredients to choose from” way, but a sad “oh god, there’s cheese and bread and hot dogs” sort of way. The opportunity for truly transforming crap into something that tastes good was slim and I can’t say anyone really went the extra mile on the innovation front. Even Richard, who cooked his dish in an MRE packet and seemed annoyed at the other chefs for a lack of creativity, didn’t really bring a lot of wizadry either. And the judges – Padma and guest judge Dan Barber – weren’t exactly enthusiastic about anything presented to them during the tasting. Barber told Fucking Mike Isabella that his bread and cheese soup (flavored with pork rinds) could have sunk the boat, while Tiffany piled a bunch of crap on nacho chips and threw some candied fruit into popcorn. (I KNOW!) Richard fared better with a bunch of crap MRE’d onto a hot dog, as did Antonia with her grilled cheese sandwich using raisin bread, muenster, and apples. But Carla won the challenge by making the least disgusting dish: A salad – oranges with a rosemary-infused papaya-carrot juice. After all was said done, this challenge was the biggest waste of time we’ve had this season, and was a pit stop on the way to the big event – the last Elimination Challenge in New York City!

Yes, this episode was the last hurrah before the final chefs head to the Bahamas for the big showdown. I thought I wanted Richard to win, and part of me still does, but can I just bask in the epic gloriousness that is Carla for a moment? Carla, with her ridiculous faces and enthusiasm and humor and bullshit-free love of food? Just when I begin to get frustrated with her lack of focus, she seems to remember why she’s there and reels it back in. And did I mention the ridiculous faces? I nearly fell off my couch at, “My plate looked like [FACE CONTORTION].” She’s like an Amazonian dipped in chocolate, sprinkled with love, and wrapped in Christmas. And I feel absolutely no shame in admitting that I adore her without a hint of irony. She would easily be the most charismatic winner in the history of the show, but I’m getting ahead of myself because we have GENEALOGY to discuss.

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Where to start this week? How about fried food? Because a fried food Quickfire Challenge is not only mandatory when your big name guest is Paula Deen (!!!), the queen of Southern cooking, but it’s the perfect hangover antidote and, let me tell you, I have a major “I can’t believe who was just eliminated” hangover this morning. But more on that later.

Ms. Deen’s challenge to the chefs was simple: Impress her with their deep fryer skills. “No calamaris sprinkled on top of a salad. C’mon.” I love this woman. And while the final results weren’t quite up to This Is Why You’re Fat levels of indulgence – except Richard with his fried mayonnaise, holy crap – there was plenty of drama to clog up the ‘ole arteries.

First, Antonia forgot to put up two plates. During the verdict, Paula Deen declared she wanted to put Antonia over her knee for screwing up on that technicality because her dish of fried shrimp and fried avocado was by far the best. So not only did Antonia get threatened with a spanking, she lost out on $5,000. Total suck. (And I may or may not be utterly obsessed with the idea of fried avocado. But I’d eat avocado dropped on a scorching hot sidewalk, I love it so much.)

Now let’s talk about Mike, or as I will now refer to him: Fuckin’ Mike Isabella. Fuckin’ Mike Isabella won the Quickfire after Antonia was disqualified. Fuckin’ Mike Isabella won the challenge with an idea he blatantly and shamelessly stole from Richard; an idea he saw in Richard’s recipe idea notebook that morning. Carla summed up this serious breach of chef etiquette thusly: “There is Man Law and there is Chef Law.” And Fuckin’ Mike Isabella pissed all over that and won himself $5,000. As a visibly angry and frustrated Richard put it, he was competing against himself in the Quickfire and F.M.I.’s utter lack of remorse or scruples was just salt in the wound. Is this the slimiest stunt ever pulled in the Top Chef kitchen? Perhaps it’s the slimiest to play out on camera, who knows? What I do know is that I want a reckoning to knock this asshole out of this competition and off my TV. This is Top Chef, not Top Coattails-of-Far-Superior-Chefs. But, on the other hand, I want to plant my foot squarely up Blaise’s ass for even showing off that notebook in the first place. That guy’s like a four-year old with idea diarrhea. He just can’t keep his shit to himself. STOP SHOWING YOUR CARDS, RICHARD.

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Most surreal Top Chef episode ever? Possibly? When you open with Muppets and end in a Target aisle’s 4 a.m. florescent glare, one could be forgiven for thinking tonight’s challenges were just a glorious fever dream of epic weirdness. But since James Franco never came skipping down around the corner in a pair of Paul Frank panties, I’ve come to the conclusion that, yes, Elmo actually did declare Antonia’s cookies looked like shit during the Quickfire. And that is a universe I am happy enough to live in.

I’m going to state the obvious here, but in case you are somehow immune to their charms (and therefore have no soul): Muppets kick ass. And bravo (heh) to Sesame Street and Top Chef for allowing Cookie Monster an adult forum for his sugar neurosis. His Royal Cookieness, Elmo, and Telly were all on hand to issue the chefs a cookie challenge. I love the word “cookie” almost as much as I love cookies themselves. Why? Because there is no other word for “cookie.” Not really. I guess some call them “biscuits” but that’s a cultural thing and doesn’t count. (Yes, I just discounted the heritage of almost the entire English-speaking world, but – seriously? “Would you like a biscuit?” does not evoke the same anticipation as “Would you like a cookie?” Though I love me some biscuits, I cannot lie. And I am perfectly aware that my logic is earth-shatteringly stupid here.) But the biggest, hairiest, scariest looking dude on your block says “cookie.” COOKIE. See? Ridiculous, this word. And so, so wonderful.

Right – cookie challenge. We all know pastry has been the nemesis of many a Top Chef, but since there’s no elimination at stake, they roll with it and actually have FUN. (I know!) It’s also one of the quietest Quickfires from the chef-side because, as Dale points out, you can’t curse in front of Muppets. It’s, like, an unspoken agreement between generations of kids, their adult selves, and the spirit of Jim Henson. Those creepy puppets in the Neighborhood of Make Believe do not garner this level of respect, trust me. And that’s what makes this entire segment so gosh-darned charming. Not even stupid Mike Isabella’s bitching can overshadow the lilt of Padme’s voice as she talks to Elmo, Telly, and Cookie Monster throughout the forty-five minute cook time. This Quickfire was firing on 10 cylinders of unleaded adorable. So adorable, in fact, that five minutes into the show and I’ve already forgotten the Fabio love-fest that happened at the start. It’s like the show brought out of the big guns to distract from my beloved Italian’s absence. Well played, Top Chef. Well played.

Our Sesame Street faves are savvy cookie judges. Richard overreaches with his zucchini/mint ice cream “cookies” (Cookie Monster declares they aren’t really cookies at all – ouch) and Angelo’s chocolate chip-hazelnut cookies get a big thumbs down. (On a side note, because both Angelo and Mike said this during the challenge – how on earth do you get to be a chef not having made a single cookie in your entire goddamn life? Are you for real? Did you skip childhood altogether? Fetus to chef with no sugar, eggs, and butter in-between? Next you’re gonna tell me you never played in sprinklers when you were a kid either. Sometimes these people depress the fuck outta me. God.) At the top of the cookie heap: Dale, who somehow made potato chips and pretzels and shortbread in a blender an appetizing sweet n’ salty treat, and Antonia, who made cow chips with chocolate and sprinkles. (Hey, Elmo said it, not me, and it was absolutely true. Antonia leaned over and whispered “my cookies look like shit.” ‘Twas quite funny.) The winner: Dale! And he manages to be genuinely touched, declaring it one of his top three most amazing experience on Top Chef. Did I mention how ADORABLE this entire segment was? My heart swelled to ten times its normal size, I’m convinced!

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So much to love and wail about this week so I’m just going to begin with Quickfire Awesome – FONDUE. And FONDUE, according to Mike, is what is served at GAY FONDUE PARTIES. I clapped my hands and did a “SIGN ME UP!” sing-song. Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Jersey Stereotype, was that meant to be snide and dismissive? No one cares what you think because you can’t even cook rigatoni properly. I love gay and I love melted anything. It is all delicious and I thought the challenge – to create a unique fondue – was one of the best Quickfires yet. I love fondue so much that it took the edge off my bitch-face when Padma announced the chefs would be judging the winners/losers. (I’m still not sure why was that twist was necessary?) So after the chefs stopped milling about being confused/disgusted/ruminating on the possibility of a NUDE FONDUE PARTY (thanks for the mental image, Blaise), the final results ranged from disastrous – poor Mike’s melted feta and lamb kabobs just weren’t GAY enough – to Dale’s brilliant phở-ndue which I thought was not only incredibly clever (because if you’ve ever ordered take-out phở you know that you have to assemble it at home) but looked delicious. He made me have wholly inappropriate midnight cravings like the nasty phở slut I am.

In the meantime, Richard seemed genuinely butt-hurt that his freeze-dried banana and chile chocolate sauce concoction wasn’t even in the top three. Was his fellow chefs’ decision fair judgment or strategy? He convinced himself it was the latter and that’s good, I think. Hang on to that fire, Blaise! Be a threat! Rah!

There was a lot of Antonia this episode and even after an hour of quality time together… I just don’t think it’s going to work out, you guys. Every time her face fills my screen during the confessionals, I feel my eyes glaze over. Obviously she can break out the big guns, but even when she pulls out an amazing dish (last week’s winning Elimination Challenge dish, mussels with fennel in broth) she doesn’t seem to take any joy in it. If Top Chef was called “Nostromo,” Antonia would be Ash – steadfast, capable…but a bit “bring-back-alien-life-form-crew-expendable,” if you know what I’m sayin’. Yes, she makes delicious food, but there’s such a strange, off-putting tension about her sometimes. I’m rambling, but I can’t be the only one coming down with narcolepsy when she’s on screen, right? It’s not that I don’t think she deserves to win exactly, but that I don’t want to root for her.

Luckily, Antonia’s general blah-ness was counter-acted by adorable Jimmy Fallon-ness and batshit Carla-ness. Tonight’s elimination challenge kicked off with a super sekrit surprise visit to the set of Late Night so Jimmy could present the chefs with their task…via a game called Cell Phone Shooter. Here’s how it worked: The chefs held a cell phone and had to snap a shot at a big screen of scrolling ingredient. Whichever ingredient they took a picture of was the dish they had to prepare for Jimmy’s birthday lunch party. (They were also informed of the foods Jimmy hates: mushrooms, mayonnaise, and eggplant.) Yes, it was as dumb as it sounds (and you would have fast-forwarded through it on DVR), but it was worth it to see Carla go full-on Kermit when she landed chicken pot pie for her dish. And is there a dish that screams CARLA! more than chicken pot pie? I think not.

[INSERT BUITONI RAVIOLI PRODUCT PLACEMENT! MMMM, LOBSTER AND SHRIMP RAVIOLI! Yes, in the kitchen! On the show! All that was missing was soft lighting and Marvin Gaye in the background! Damn.]

Jimmy’s family and friends joined him, his wife, and the usual suspects – Tom, Padma, and Gail (looking extra-cute, I might add?) – for a sampling of seemingly straight-forward cuisine, but with the all-important Top Chef twist. We had Tiffany with the chicken and dumplings, which she presented with a Southwest twist; Richard’s pork and duck egg ramen; Mike’s “Fenway-style” sausage and peppers (playing on Fallon’s Boston roots); Dale’s Philly cheesesteak on a pretzel bun; Angelo’s coffee/chipotle/all-spice rubbed pulled pork; Antonia’s beef tongue (having come to the Southwest via the South, I was amused at all the tongue consternation, but ain’t no part of an animal surprises me in the freezer case anymore); Fabio’s brisket/chuck/short ribs burger-that-was-more-like-meatloaf; and – OF COURSE – Carla’s chicken pot pie.

Without question, Carla’s dish was the big hit. Colicchio couldn’t stop stuffing his face long enough to actually comment on it. (Also, I had to Google “pea salt” as soon as the ep ended – and I’m still not clear on what it is.) Later, at Judges’ Table, there would be much swooning over the fact she’d included crust on the bottom. Because there has to be a bottom for it to truly to be pot pie, y’all. Unsurprisingly, Carla ended up the winner (and promptly had some sort of seizure, bless), but the judges also had raves for Angelo’s pork rub (he seemed genuinely thrilled) and the wonders Antonia managed with beef tongue (she pressure-cooked it on the advice of Blaise, who was not in the top three, thus giving weight to Mike’s assertion that helping fellow chefs out gets you nowhere).

And, as Tiffany so rightly stated, judging has now arrived at the NitPick Stage, when the judges are just looking for the tiniest flaw to send a chef packing. She, Dale, and Fabio hit bottom this week and Jimmy once again had the opportunity to bring up THE SALT MONSTER in reference to Dale’s dish. To his credit, Dale fully owned his mistake (he hadn’t accounted for the salt on his cheesesteak’s pretzel bun), as did Tiffany (her dumplings were too thin and her “gravy” more “broth”). Fabio – who admitted earlier that he knew nothing about making a “BOOGER” (Fabio, honey, REALLY? Nothing at ALL?) – still seemed confused about the entire concept of a burger and fries…and was sent packing for his affront to American culture.

THE FABIO/BLAISE BROMANCE IS OVER, YOU GUYS. But mostly I wailed at a future of episodes without Fabio, who is a one-man Top Chef quote machine. I’m pouring a Fat Tire onto the tile in his honor. But next week might cheer me up because I’m convinced Muppets and Carla are not allowed to co-exist in the same space without an explosion of awesome.

Will you miss Fabio as much I will? Does Antonia also bore you to tears? Give me comfort, validation, and chicken pot pie!

After last week’s double elimination whammy of Jamie (long overdue!) and Tiffani, I was ready to kick this off with lengthy rant about Jamie and her stupid, arrogant face, but then Anthony Bourdain showed back up and Anthony Bourdain makes everything better. He’s like a swaggering, chain-smoking unicorn at the end of my reality show double rainbow. Put him in all the blazers you want, Bravo; it doesn’t change the fact that Bourdain is six feet four inches of no-bullshit badassery. And unlike that pretentious asshat Toby Young, whose entire face seemed to work with the effort of spewing out an insipid one-liner at Judges’ Table (seriously, how grateful am I that guy is gone?), Bourdain’s criticism never comes across as posturing. Plus, I once watched him gag his way through eating a roasted lizard, but he finished that lizard, so at this point I think he’s earned some goddamned respect. You won’t see Jamie “Cucumber Water” Lauren doing that shit.

The chefs are herded to Eric Ripert’s seafood restaurant La Bernardin, where Bourdain introduces them to Justo Thomas, who is working on a fish with the sort of finesse you’re used to seeing when a baker rolls out dough, not cutting a filet with a huge knife. The Quickfire is obvious at this point – butcher one Cod and one Fluke to La Bernardin standards in 10 minutes. Fabio, Carla, Antonia, and Tiffany land on the bottom; Richard, Mike, Marcel, and Dale come out on top and, between the four, are challenged to make a winning dish out of the leftover parts of the fish, not the tidy cutlets they’ve just made. It’s a clever twist and they all rise admirably – though, in final judging, Marcel’s cod mousseline is the only dish to receive a negative comment. Bourdain calls it “monochromatic,” which is a rather cold, colorless (ha!) word for technique-obsessed Marcel, and he flinches. Dale wins the challenge – and immunity – with his double-serve of Fluke black fin and bacon dashi with Cod collar.

But nobody cares about any of that because this episode is the fabled and oft-feared RESTAURANT WARS. (Which, it should be noted, was the swan song of Dale and Tre in their respective seasons.) The reason Top Chef fans love Restaurant Wars is because it is often a loud, sweaty mess of clashing egos and Judges’ Table ends up resembling an Animal Planet special – the chefs start cannibalizing each other, Colicchio hunches his shoulders and growls about salt, and Padma wears her very best bitchface. No one can do anything right in Restaurant Wars. No one. So when Padma tells the chefs that for the first time in Top Chef history the diners will be deciding the winner, not the judges, it’s to the their credit that this seems to heighten the stakes. No one looks relieved. And the celebrity chef sitting in on Judges’ Table? Chef Ludo, who basically redefined crazycakes on his two Top Chef Masters appearances. (Food & Wine’s Editor-in-Chief was a VIP diner, but didn’t sit on the table.)

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