Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny went all Godfather III.  Just when he thought he was out … well, you know.  Oh, also, Mike acted like a giant baby.  This development was less than surprising.

We begin, as always, where we ended last week, with the gang traveling back to the shore house.  Vinny is excited about getting laid tonight; the Jersey Shore zombies begin chanting “one of us, one of us.”  They’re barely back five minutes when they have to start getting ready to go out to some dumb club.  And guess what?  They need taxis.  At this point I wonder if I’d have trouble differentiating a new episode from a rerun.  As they’re waiting for the taxis, Mike decides that he wants new tattoos, loyalty on his left arm and betrayal on the right.  “Right arm, you’ve never had my back!” Mrs. DLW imagines Mike saying.  Nice.

When they get to the club, the following things happen: Mike goes off by himself, Pauly is delighted to have Vinny back, and Snooki pees herself.  And the floor around her.  She finds all this delightful; if you also find it delightful, imagine you’ve gone out to a club with friends, you’re drinking, you’re dancing, you’re having a great time, and then oops, you slip and fall and land … in someone else’s urine.  Not so cute now, is it?

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Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny wisely took a week off from all the nonsense and the rest of the gang decided to do special things in his honor.  These special things included getting drunk and sloppily hooking up with people.  They must have a different definition of “special” in Seaside.  Also, Pauly and Mike had birthdays, and Mike celebrated with an attitude that suggested this was his third birthday, tops.

This week, we begin with Danny, the Shore Store boss, coming to the house to bust some skulls.  He threatens the roommates with, um, more roommates if they don’t shape up and fly right.  This would all be a really effective threat if they weren’t already MAKING TONS OF MONEY BEING ON THIS SHOW.  Anyway, Mike returns from his walkapout, and we learn from him that every birthday Mike isolates himself to see if anyone will seek him out and talk to him.  You know, like a well-adjusted person does.  I have to tell you this brings no small amount of giggles to me and Mrs. DLW, who suggested that a clerk at Target could really make Mike’s year by seeing his driver’s license and saying happy birthday.  The girls who have to listen to Mike bitch about his birthday couldn’t look more bored if they were being paid to do so (which, come to think of it, they kinda are).

The next day Deena, Pauly, and Snooki decide to work hard for a change.  I’m sure this will last and forever change their work ethic.  After work, Deena calls Vinny and tries to get him to come to Pauly and Mike’s surprise birthday party.  Vinny can’t sound less interested in being a part of this world again.  Vinny has easily become my favorite character on the show, mostly by choosing not to be on it.  Later on, Deena and Snooki try to learn how to walk like “gangstas”; with the amount of times these two have tripped over, they should just work on walking upright.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny took stock of his own emotional issues and left the house.  The rest of the cast didn’t and didn’t.  That about sums it up, I think.

This week: Vinny is gone and Pauly has to break the news to his fake-tanned brothers and sisters that one of their comrades has decided that being on a permanent, meaningless vacation just isn’t fun anymore.  Deena immediately starts weeping for Vinny’s problems.  No, just kidding, she’s weeping for herself, and maybe for her leopard-print dress that Jenny is adjusting for her.  Pauly brings a girl home that night to “put it in” for Vinny.  He’s a really good friend … to his own penis.  Mike also brings home a girl who claims she knows Italian, and Mike quizzes her by asking her about swear words.  You know, like you did when you first learned a foreign language at age 14.  Mike’s slightly older than that.

Out in Staten Island, Vinny makes it back to his parents’ home and they greet him, no questions asked.  It’s a really kind and loving moment.  And of course it’s followed up by Deena crying about her loss.  It’s good that the show concentrates on what’s really important.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: The gang (I need to find a better collective term for the Jersey Shore cast, don’t I?) all came back from Italy and did not pass Go, they went directly to Jail the actual Jersey Shore.  I wonder if the recappers from Dallas had this problem in the ’80s: “Then the whole cast of Dallas went back to the actual Dallas.”  What, the internet has not been around forever?  The devil you say!  Also on last week’s episode, Vinny began showing some human emotions, and this is bad news and quite alien to the show!

This week, as usual, we pick up where we left off.  Vinny is full of anxiety and he can’t sleep or function in this environment.  Here are the suggestions Ronnie and Pauly give to him:

• Make it to the weekend, where he can go out, listen to music, and meet girls
• Go to work tomorrow
• “Relax, dude

I’m certain that therapists all across the world are going to immediately pick up on the “Party, Work, Relax” system for combating anxiety.  And this is where Vinny first floats the idea of leaving.  Ronnie, of course, compares this to being on a ledge and threatening to jump.  Very understated, this one.

Let me pause for a second, and say that I’m writing this having already seen the entire episode (that’s not always the case), and I’m going to give this warning: I’m not going to make fun even a little of Vinny’s anxiety issues.  I’m happily going to make fun of the dumb reactions that others have to it, but 1) Vinny has always seemed like one of the two genuinely nice people on the show, and 2) even if it had been Deena or Snooki who had anxiety issues, I wouldn’t make fun of that either.  I have a heart, you know.  Somewhere.  And to prove that I’m showing this episode the proper respect, no nicknames for anybody for the rest of the recap.  Nothing but full names.

All right, so Michael is out at some dumb club, as usual, and he meets up with Paula, our friend from Season 1 who had sex with him in the jacuzzi and then fell down the stairs (out of shame, I assume).  Michael’s going to take Paula home and it starts thundering and pouring down rain.  God’s wrath is finally coming down on the Jersey Shore!  This causes Michael, Paula, Nicole, Ryder, and Jionni (that isn’t just a weird nickname?  damn it!) to run all the way back to the house, and when they get there, they’re all soaked.  Jionni has to borrow a t-shirt and underwear from Michael.  Thankfully the underwear is still in the box.  Jionni offers to cook food as a gesture of thanks for Michael letting him borrow his clothes.  Jionni seems kind and polite; what does Nicole bring to this relationship, exactly?

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Previously on Jersey Shore: It was an even numbered season, and so it wasn’t in New Jersey and it was also disappointing (Jersey Shore is like the mirror image of the Star Trek movies that way).  The gang all went to Italy, Snooki became even more horrible than I thought she could be, and I lamented the lack of footage of the actual beautiful parts of Florence, one of my favorite cities in the world.  Also, I started a brief career recapping “Ringer,” and then I quit when I kept falling asleep during the show (even though I still love SMG).

And now on Jersey Shore: We weirdly pick up back in Italy.  Wait, did the US decide they’re not allowed back in the country?  Well done, State Department!  Oh, my bad, they’re actually going home.  Pauly laments the fact that he cannot get a haircut or a tan in Italy; you know how Italy is filled with pale-skinned hippies.  Vinny says he thinks they’ve done all they can do in Florence.  Yep, one day of sightseeing and 39 days of drinking, that seems about right.

So our little band of misfits land in the US and go straight to the Jersey Shore.  Seriously, they go right from the airport to the shore house.  Is this show their full-time job now?  There’s roommate drama on the van to Seaside Heights when we learn that nobody wants to room with Mike anymore.  Now that scene in the previous season finally makes sense, since it only came three or four days before they were actually going back to the shore house.  I never thought I’d be puzzling over Jersey Shore chronology.  My mother must be so proud (but there’s no way she reads these).  So who finally rooms with the Situation?  Ronnie and Sam, the same people who always room with him.  Drama solved!  (That’s what you’re supposed to do with drama, right?)

To celebrate the return to the house, Snooki drinks out of a pickle jar.  There’s nothing metaphorical about that sentence.  She picks up the pickle jar, opens it up, tips it back, and drinks the brine out of it.  She’s a published author, everybody.  After that grossness, the crew goes to the Shore Store and their boss, whose name I refuse to learn, invites them out to a bar the next night.  This doesn’t at all seem set up by MTV.  It is totally natural.  The gang goes to ride the rides of the boardwalk, thus making already disgusting sketchy things even worse.

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Previously on Jersey Shore: Italy awesomely rose up as one, demanding the Jersey Shore kids leave this beautiful country.  This week: the season finale.  Coincidence?  Probably, but it’s still great.

We begin with Mike at the apartment, changing pants and trash talking nobody.  I’d like to blame this all on drunkenness, but it might just be Mike being Mike.  When the rest of the roommates get home, Ronnie takes it upon himself to have a powwow with Mike about all of the Situation’s issues.  Ron, who sounds like he swallowed several scouring pads, tells Mike to make things better or get off the show.  All of the cast could take that advice.  Sam is happy that Ron did this, and at this point I wonder which is worse: Ron & Sam fighting or Sam validating every dumb thing Ron says.  All right, clearly the fighting is worse, but it’s closer than you’d think.

The next night, Pauly, Sam, and Vinny do their last bit of damage to the pizzeria.  Sammi tells the camera that she enjoys working at the pizzeria and I don’t think I ever remember her working there.  This isn’t a joke.  Other than the training, I can’t remember Sam ever being there.  The three of them dick around at the pizzeria, like they always do, and I feel bad for yet another small business owner who has to deal with this cast’s nonsense.  When in Florence, go to Vesuvius Pizza (or whatever it’s called), and apologize for this group of eight Americans. Read the rest of this entry »