By Bethany

Y’all. Last night’s episode of New Girl, “Secrets,” was the episode where Cece and Schmidt were finally found out. Yep, Winston spilled. He spilled to Nick who immediately spilled to Jess who was not a happy camper.

Which is understandable. At first I was all, “Bitch, calm yo’self,” but then I was all, “No. Nevermind. If my best friend was screwing my roommate and didn’t tell me about it for TWO MONTHS, I would be pissed too.” So basically the entire episode was about Jess and Cece having a fight about the fact that Cece never tells Jess anything because Jess is so judgey, but that Jess tells everyone everything because she’s the type of person who has no secrets. By the end of the episode the fight was resolved.

I know you’re shocked.
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Well. Hello there. I REALLY thought I had already written this. I must have dreamed it or something, because obviously I did not and now this is a day late. Because my mind convinced me that I wrote it. There is truly no explanation for this at all. AT ALL. So please do accept my most sincere apologies. Maybe I’ll throw in a bunch of GIFs or a video of elephants playing soccer to make it up to y’all.

So this week’s episode, “Fancyman Pt. 2″ continued with the Russell & Jess storyline. After he and Jess go on what Jess thinks is a disastrous first date because he didn’t kiss her—and also because she’s awkward as fuck—she is trying to figure out what to do to make their second date a bigger success. Cece suggests that she stop acting like a child and more like the sophisticated woman that she actually is. (Ha!) So on the second date, Jess wears a pretty purple dress and talks about the Beatles and prostates and how both of their bodies are decaying because they both, you know, old. As Jess does this, Russell suddenly says that he has to leave, pays for dinner, gives her $100 for a cab home, and leaves with no further explanation.

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Hello, and welcome to my recap of last night’s episode of New Girl, “Fancyman Part 1,” in which some Very Pressing Issues were addressed in a way that was funny and insightful and shockingly realistic. Seriously.

When this episode started I was very dubious of what was about to happen. The whole Nick having a 250 credit score (C’mon. There’s no way.) and a store full of employees openly LAUGHING at his credit score is both completely far-fetched and, I think, probably illegal. Not that there aren’t people out there who have heinously bad credit, and I’m sure that there are people who obtain credit scores and laugh at them, but . . . I don’t know. That scene did not work for me. So I figured this episode and I were off to a bad start.
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Well, this episode, “Control,” was not my favorite. Don’t get me wrong, there were some really great one-liners and some nice moments, but overall I did not like this episode. It could be that I just wasn’t in the mood for it last night, but for some reason I was not feeling this one. I thought it was mostly really juvenile and annoying. And it made me really dislike Nick. (I KNOW.)

So, the premise of the episode was “What happens when Schmidt stops being Schmidt?” which occurs when Jess, wearing ridiculously over-sized hipster frames that not even I, her biggest fashion fan, likes, decides to help him give up some of his OCD tendencies after they have a squabble over a very nice found hutch that she brought into the apartment, much to Schmidt’s chagrin. He hated it so much that he KNOCKED IT OVER and broke it all to pieces. Which is just bonkers. And such a selfish, bratty thing to do. Seriously, if you can’t deal with a roommate who pays to occupy a space with you bringing in a lovely piece of furniture into the apartment, you don’t need to have roommates.
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Well, last night New Girl went dramatic on us with the episode “Injured.” Yes, there were still goofy one-liners and, you know, Schmidt, but this episode really only had one storyline and it was a serious one—how people cope when cancer casts it’s terrifying shadow upon their friend group. In New Girl-land, this includes overreacting, crying, drinking, rapping, tough loving, and skinny dipping. Naturally. And, actually, that’s all pretty close to how lots of people outside of New Girl-land deal with this sort of information too. Maybe. Possibly.

So this whole thing started when Jess tackled the shit out of Nick whilst playing a friendly game of flag football. This causes Nick to have some back problems, leads Schmidt to say random medical-sounding words in a very serious tone of voice, and has Jess insisting Nick go see her doctor-friend Sadie. (SADIE! THAT IS THE RANDOM LESBIAN GYNO FRIEND’S NAME, Y’ALL.) Even though Nick is anti-doctor, he finally agrees to go see Sadie the Lesbian Gyno Friend Who Has a Name Now.

After a very strange waiting room experience in which a woman tells Nick that he can have her vagina and Jess describes Sadie the Lesbian Gyno Friend as a “wizard with a speculum,” Nick finally makes it into Sadie’s exam room. So, Sadie unofficially exams him, unofficially gives him a diagnosis (bruised spine), and then unofficially gives him pain medications that are specifically designed for severe menstrual cramps. [Sidenote: I have absolutely given guys Pamprin before and they all told me it was the best pain medication they'd ever taken.] While he’s officially swallowing the unofficial medicine, Sadie notices something odd happening in his thyroid gland. She tells him it looks like a growth and that he should schedule an ultrasound to get it checked out. Nick is not a fan of this idea because he has no medical insurance and cannot afford an ultrasound. But Jess makes him schedule the appointment anyway.
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Is it just me, or was this episode all over the place? I mean, there was the Schmidt and Cece being all are-we-or-aren’t-we, Jess dealing with a bitchy-spirited student, Winston still not having a job, and Nick receiving a cactus from Julia and much ado-ing about it. Not that there isn’t normally a lot going on within each episode, but normally they’re a little more cohesive than this one.

Or maybe this is the episode that will win an Emmy. *shrugs*

Either way, some PLOT-MOVING THINGS happened, people!
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