American Idol

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Cole Farrell

In 1996, at a picnic table beside the playground of my old elementary school, I started my first business venture. My friend Sarah and I created what we were certain would be the first unofficial Rosie O’Donnell fan magazine. We developed a thorough business plan—photos would be cut from other magazines, finished issues could be generated on the copying machine at my father’s office—but like many startups, our idea never came to fruition. I watched The Rosie O’Donnell Show every single day it was aired, and most days I recorded it on VHS that I would rewatch until I wore the tape thin.

Rosie’s show gave mainstream attention to Broadway musicals. She spent time with smart people, and she played silly games and told stupid jokes and belly laughed at ridiculous sound effects, which is to say that Rosie O’Donnell’s quirky little television show shaped much of who I am. I’m not really the praying type, but every once in a while I throw one up to the sky just asking for The Rosie O’Donnell Show to be brought back exactly the way it was.

See, I am a television person. It started with my envy of Punky Brewster’s rickety flower cart bed and spreads to the present day, in which I often have to bite my tongue as my peers explain how much happier they are that they don’t even own a TV.

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So, I’m going to begin this post with a little explanation.  I am crazy busy this week.  I’m working 8 to 8 and I live in Kansas.  For those that live under a rock, we’ve been having come crazy weather come through.  Usually it means standing on the porch watching the tornadoes form, but ever since one took out 80% of the town next to us three years ago we’ve become a bit less storm chaser and a little more cower-in-the-basement-clutching-the-dog kinda people.  Also, torrential rains wreak havoc on a satellite dish therefore I didn’t even get to watch The Voice.  Luckily they have it online, but it might be the weekend before I actually get to watch.  Don’t worry though, the recap is coming.

Now, on to American Idol!  This will be a combination post mainly because of the diatribe above, but also the performance night was severely lacking in things to make fun of.

I’m not sure how we got to this point. This Idol final would be better off on CMT.  Who would have thought the two country singers would be in the finale?  I’m sure The Powers That Be are thrilled two young, cute, commercial kids made it to the end.  They also seemed to have finally figured out the judges are useless.  We didn’t have get to see them until the show was half over.

I loved every one of Lauren’s performances.  Scotty’s first one was good, but Lauren killed them all.  I didn’t know anything about the vocal issue that everyone on twitter and elsewhere were talking about.  Apparently there was talk that Hailey might have to step in.  I would have been pissed if I turned on the TV and Hailey was there instead of Lauren.  The docs pumped Lauren full of drugs and she was able to rally.  She sounded great and she sang a song about her mama.  How can she not win?  Plus Scotty’s song is “I Love You This Big.”  Really, Jimmy?  This was the best song available?  Ugh!
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Last week James Durbin went home.  Everyone was shocked as always.  I was pleasantly surprised he went home.  It’s no secret I wasn’t his biggest fan.  The show may lack something without him, but thankfully we only have two weeks left!  I think the producers are really happy with the final three.  No matter what, the winner will be a youngster.  For one, they validate their 15 year minimum age requirement drop this year and two, they have a better shot of making them into a pop and/or country star.

It’s Going Home week y’all!!  Time for kissing the ground and screaming crowds!  I’m pretty sure I’ll be fast forwarding through most of it.

I haven’t been commenting on the outfits much because there really hasn’t been anything too cracktastic … until tonight.  We have Bill Cosby, a geriatric cougar wearing a blazer and J. Lo’s hair.  Is it a fauxhawk? An homage to Gwen Stefani in the early No Doubt years? Whatever it is, it is wrong on so many levels.  Yikes!

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We begin this week with a “send these people home” montage.   Not send them home in a bad way, America, in a good way.  As in hordes of people, crying fans, and the smell of home.  I’m just wondering why the majority of the montage was Danny Gokey.  Ugh, that guy was awful.  The home visits are always full of some fun.  These poor kids have to be exhausted, talking to every Fox affiliate, radio station, and ham radio operator within a 100 mile radius of their hometown.  No wonder they all cry on the plane.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though.  We still have the top four to get through.

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I don’t know about you guys, but I am totally over this season.  I am baffled by the fact that it hasn’t lost viewers.  The judges don’t judge, singers are praised even when they suck, and they can’t even get any young famous people to show up for tapings.  Don’t get me wrong, Hannibal Lecter is cool and all … if it’s 1991.  I will say they are doing two things right: The mentoring by Jimmy and guest (Sheryl Crow this week … still trying to figure that one out) and the fact that they actually end every show on time!  Novel concept I know, seeing as whomever was in charge the last 8 years or so couldn’t end on time to save his life.  I’m not sure that’s enough to keep me watching.  I miss Simon.  I miss the guy that would rip you a new one if you sucked ass.  I don’t know if American Idol and The X Factor can coexist in the world.  I sure hope not.  It’s my wish that The X Factor poisons the black eyed peas and shoves Idol in the trunk.  Cause Idol needs to DIE.  (Thank you, Dixie Chicks, for the perfect murder plot.)

I probably should get to this week’s performances.  Follow me down the rabbit hole … if you dare …
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So, this is late.  I didn’t get to watch Wednesday night, you know it really sucks when your real life gets in the way of your TV loving life, not that I’m really loving Idol right now, but you know what I’m saying.  Run on sentence much?  Anyhoo, let me tell you why I’m not feelin’ it.  While in the past, the judges seemed pointless, now they have become completely pointless.  They have nothing but good to say about everyone and ever since Pia got the surprise boot they live in fear that if they say anything negative someone will go home.  Well news flash, that is the point of Idol!  People are voted off until there is only one hopefully radio-ready singer left standing.  I swear if they had it their way, everyone would stay and the show would go on forever.  All of America would tune out and kids might start reading books.  Oh, the HORROR!  I have always watched the show for the singing and because of the lack of any real judging even that has been lackluster.

****Just wanted to add a little something about the results tonight.  You’ll see below I thought Casey did a good job.  I think the results tonight just reinforce my argument above.  They didn’t say bad things about anyone, therefore, the 12 year old girls voting didn’t know who to vote for.  Or at the very least they didn’t know who the judges didn’t like.  It’s a complete crap shoot as to who will stay and who will go.  Ridiculous!  Sorry to see you go, Casey.  Hopefully, like Pia, it will ultimately be a good thing.

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Paul went home and I might have been the only one to shed a tear.  He knew he wasn’t going to win it and you could see it in his eyes.  I’m happy he made it this far and know the exposure will help him in the future.

The judges really need to step up their game on the outfits.  Steve had on a really ugly shirt, but that’s nothing new.  Randy’s watch was my favorite color so that was cool I guess.  Whatever, on to the show!

Oh, shit people, (Editor’s Note: I feel like this maybe should’ve read “Oh shit, people”, but leaving it, “Oh, shit people”, really made me laugh. And if that was the intent, big ups, Strunkette! –SB) I was wondering how they were going to fill the time.  Apparently with a terrible Pink cover song by the rejects.  America got rid of them for a reason.  It was kinda like when you break up with someone and then they show up to your birthday party with Natty Light, get drunk, and pass out on the bathroom floor.  In other words, America didn’t want to hear them sing anymore and it was really awkward.  Paul looked, felt, and sounded out of place.  Naima was possessed by a crazy kangaroo.  The other girls were there too, I guess.  Oh, and Ashton and the Spanish one-already forgot her name-were rocking mini fros that actually looked pretty good.

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PIA WENT HOME!  Everyone was shocked.  Even the millions of people who didn’t vote for her.  J. Lo was sobbing, y’all.  I was shocked but not all that surprised.  Maybe this has taught the judges that they need to stop praising the shitty singers.  They gave Pia some constructive criticism, the only negative comments of the night, and she went home.  Someone, and I’m talking to you Randy, needs to starting being honest.  He was trying for awhile but I think he got sick of being booed.  Now he’s back to his old ways.  They need to actually judge.  We’ll see if they’ve taken it to heart tonight.

OMG!  J. Lo’s vagina has exploded.  It finally got sick of Marc Anthony rooting around in there and decided to throw up.  Once she sits down and the vagina puke is not long staring me in the face, I notice the little girl barrette that probably cost more than my house. This is your People’s Most Beautiful Woman.  Riiiiiigghhtt.  Obviously they don’t take style into consideration.  Steven’s wearing a scarf Amelia Earhart style.  Eh, kinda predictable at this point.  Randy’s wearing his Mr. Rogers sweater and a tie.  Whatever.

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So last week I was enjoying Thirsty Thursday and wasn’t home to watch the horribleness that is the Idol results show.  I literally went to the last five minutes to see who got the boot.  To no one’s surprise Naima and Thia Megia went home.  I’ll miss using Thia Megia’s full name and Naima’s crazy ass outfits.  I won’t miss their singing.

Guys, I’m really bummed.  When the judges were announced I was still in fast forward and for a second there I thought J. Lo was in a white jumpsuit.  Unfortunately for me and fortunately for her she just had on a white dress with saucy cut-outs and gold pieces glued on, not as cool J. Lo.  I don’t know what the hell Steven was wearing.  That suit/jacket combo was whacktastic, though he did stay away from the animal prints.  “What kind of a freak would wear this shit?”  Indeed, Steven, indeed.  At first I thought Randy was wearing a boring black jacket but no.  It was iridescent pleather.  Ryan parted his hair the old way or went back to spiky.  Someone must have decided he scared the children last week and put him back to normal.

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So on the result show, America shocked America, and the judges, by leaving Casey on the very bottom.  Apparently the judges knew that Casey was going to have an OCTV approved curse fest and complete breakdown, so they stopped him singing two seconds into his swan song to save him.  That left plenty of time  for Casey to fall over himself, Seacrest, and the judges.  He wasn’t the only one shocked.  What happens when America gets rid of James and Scotty next week?  (Hey, a bitter girl can dream!)  Of course Idol couldn’t start this week’s episode without the most dramatic, stop motion flashbacks possible. 

Oh, damn!  I almost forgot about The Hulk!  Paul was the normal amount of shocked/happy.  James on the other hand looked like he was about to have the big O.  Either the dude was playing it up for the cameras or he watches way too much Hogan Knows Best and WWE Wet and Raw, or whatever it’s called.  I bet he slept with that shirt underneath his pillow.

On to this week…

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