Yup, that’s right!  Summer is a laid back time in TV blogging land and a good time for us to try out new writers (and for writers to try us out).  So if you or someone you know wants to cuss about TV for no pay but some enthusiastic commenters and a lot of fun, and can have their posts up by the next day (or Monday for a weekend show), shoot me an email at offcolortv@gmail.com.  We’re also open to any sort of features or opinion pieces, so feel free to check in if you have any ideas for those too!

Now, to give you a quick list of shows that we are DEFINITELY covering this summer on OCTV:

• True Blood
• Pretty Little Liars
• Awkward
• So You Think You Can Dance
• Wilfred
• Suits
• Breaking Pointe
• Saving Hope (aka The Daniel Gilles/Elijah Show)

Hey, quick question, just to gauge interest–there has been some talk of us covering Newsroom, the new Aaron Sorkin show on HBO.  How many of you guys are planning on watching, and would you be interested in a recap?  And while we’re on the subject … is there anything else that you’ll definitely be watching that you would want a recap of?  Comments, people!

Next week, you’ll have me and Nicole’s crazy end of the year bonanza to look forward to, where we discuss all the shows we watched this year(ish) and go over the season as a whole.  Plus, we’re going to try to also pick our favorite gifs from the year, so … we’ll see how that all goes!  (Maybe Probably we should all get drunk first.  Us.  You.  All of us.)

MY LUKETONIUM! NOOOOOOO!

You guys. I don’t know if it’s because I woke up an hour later than I intended to, or because I was having an awful work dream, or because I’ve just had an emotionally draining week, but I watched last night’s Modern Family this morning… and I did not really enjoy it at all. I don’t really know what the deal is with this show, but, you guys, it’s changed. It is not the show I started watching mid-Season 2 and went back to Season 1 and DEVOURED because it was so fucking funny. I think it boils down to this: It used to be a sitcom that did new and inventive things, or at least the same sitcom-y things in new and inventive ways that made once-hackneyed storylines seem new and refreshing and hilarious again. But now… recently, it’s just become a sitcom. It has its moments, but more and more I feel like it’s run out of ideas. Or at least run out of ways to transform these ideas. That’s why I titled it with the quote I did. Last night’s ep just wasn’t Modern Family.

I will admit that the parenting argument between Claire and Cam was pretty entertaining, especially given the parenting article I read just yesterday, despite the fact that, you know, I don’t have kids. But there were two things about the episode that just… didn’t do it for me. One was something we’ve seen time and time again, and I’ve mentioned it before, and the other completely took me out of the episode. So much so, that I can’t even give y’all my typical recap. I have thoughts, and they need to get out.

First of all, what we’ve all seen before. Basically this moral of this episode is “try to see things from their eyes.” You know, don’t be quite so selfish and try to see how others might see a situation. Claire didn’t agree with Cam’s “never say no” parenting “technique,” Gloria was jealous of this waitress who worked at a diner whom everyone else in the family adores and seems to know Jay on a person (but not carnal, as far as I can tell) level, and Phil had to “fire” Mitchell from a favor he was doing for Phil’s firm. They all took it personally, and there were definitely funny moments. But when the episode culminates in people pairing off and being the voice of reason to the other person… and then having them all show up at the diner to eat Jay Pritchett sandwiches (which sound disgusting, by the way, especially since Gloria describes it like so: “It’s like a fish and a turkey beat themselves with a pepper.” Gross.), was exactly what we all expected to happen, and it wasn’t even that heartwarming. This show can DO heartwarming. It has done it SO WELL in the past, but this episode had no fire – except the one Luke started and extinguished. The chats were all… typical, and expected.

And maybe I’m just expecting too much from this show, or something. Maybe I’m wanting it to be something that it’s not. And I know that not every single episode is going to be a goddamn gem, but this show had TWO seasons that were not this predictable. And what’s worse is that I feel like the characters have kind of become caricatures of themselves. That’s not always a bad thing, and we don’t see it in every episode. But it’s like when we get handfuls of episodes where Mitchell has issues with his childhood and Jay. Of COURSE this is realistic. Daddy issues don’t go away overnight. I know this. But when we get the same story line over and over and over again and drama and hurt feelings and blah blah blah, but it’s all going to be resolved in a hug. It doesn’t work for me anymore. These kinds of sitcoms don’t work for me. Modern Family has become… *gulp*… formulaic. And I hate it.

Oh, and speaking of caricatures… Phil. I fucking love Phil and all his wild antics. I would TV marry him in a HEARTBEAT. I’ve said this before. Ty Burrell can have my imaginary children (whom I will NOT attachment parent!) any day.  But they made him do something so out-of-character that… I literally wrote in my notes “I DON’T BELIEVE THIS FOR A SECOND.” This offense was different than when they made him all serious in that episode where he ran that seminar that Haley and Gloria were supposed to help him with. That wasn’t an offense at all, and it was exactly as I expected SeriousPhil to act. I loved that story line. But this… what the hell, man?

So the whole point of Phil’s side of the story last night was that he’s horrible at breaking up with/firing people. Phil is a people-pleaser. We all know this. Phil thinks he’s funny and cool, even when he’s not, and I’m okay with that. Claire is okay with that. Everyone is okay with that. Fine. Got it. But then he admits to the camera that he once tried to break up with a girl, but danced around what he meant so much, that she didn’t actually GET that he was breaking up with her. “And 20 years later, we’re still married.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Are we seriously supposed to believe that Phil is so much of a push over that he allowed Claire to ignore his signals and force him to marry her? Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. People change, and obviously he asked her to marry him. But this show has ALWAYS given the impression that he loves Claire with the bottom of his silly little, antic-loving heart. You can’t just turn it around and have him make an off-hand comment like that. It implies that he doesn’t. It completely changes who he is and his relationship with her. It would have been one thing if he’d said it as a joke, but he clearly wasn’t. Y’all know how much Phil likes his own jokes. Man was not laughing. Maybe it doesn’t seem like such a big thing, but it was SO off-putting. Just two episodes ago, Claire and Phil are so cute and in love and doing cartwheels together and vowing to go to the beach alone together more often. When Mitchell outted him for saying that, the look on Haley’s face said it all. INCONCEIVABLE! I even mentioned it happened to a friend who hasn’t been able to watch the episode yet, and she was shocked they did that.

Look, I realize that some of you may think that I’m taking this too seriously, but I’m not talking about fictional characters anymore. I’m talking about the way story telling works. I’m talking about the way character development works. You cannot – especially in TV – establish a character as one thing and then suddenly have them change for no reason. Characters change all the time, and maybe that change will be explained over time, but need I reiterate that this is a sitcom? This is the kind of heavy shit that happens when one of the stars goes on a bender, or dies, or the show is about to get canceled. This is not the plot twist that happens on Modern Fucking Family.

I bet you this never comes up again.

And that makes it even worse.

*deep breath*

Okay, now for the things in this episode that I DID enjoy – because I did enjoy parts of it. I’m just going to list them Random Thoughts/Quotes style.

• “This isn’t the face of a cold-blooded hatchet man!” No, it’s the face of my unborn imaginary childrens’ father!
• Loved Alex being upset her teacher called her by the wrong name. “’That’s nice, Alice.’ It’s been a year! A year!’” I feel you pain, gurl. Look, I know that Christine is only one letter away from Christina, but for GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE. There was always one teacher who did it. And, bad news, it hasn’t stopped since I’ve been out of school.
•  “Maybe that’s what I should be when I grow up. A professional medal-getter!” Luke is precious.
• “We’re 10 seconds away from creating Luketonium!” This may have been my favorite part of the episode. Hence the picture.
• “Come on, Alice.” Hahaha Luke. I don’t know if he did that on purpose or not, but it made me LOL.
• “They named you after a sandwich?”
• I love that Cam picked Haley up from the party. That was actually really Cool Uncle of him.
• “But at night she’s a yes machine.” See? THIS is the Phil we know.
• I’d like to be my own Nap Captain right now.
• This is actually something I hated, but in the interest of “random thoughts,” I included it. Phil’s whole office is FULL OF BITCHES. They called Mitchell lazy… because he wouldn’ take the stairs?? That made me really angry. I don’t know why. And when he was all, “I finally had to lay down,” and that woman walks by all, “Figures…” BITCHES. ALL OF THEM.
• “Second best hugger in the world next to Mr. Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.” Ha! I need to start saying “story to follow” in my every day life, p.s.
• Wait, so Alex’s project is basically to have a 90 second art installation? WTF kind of school is this? We made shit out of papier-mâché.
• I did enjoy everyone having to keep a smile on their face while outing each other’s issues.
• “As someone who has seen actual hogwash, I can assure you it’s not.” Heart Cam so much.

Whew. Alright. So what did you guys think of the episode? Please, if I’m out of line, tell me. If you agree with me, come join the mini confusion storm! I’ll tell y’all one thing though. I think I’m done with this show. I’ll still watch it, but week after week, there’s not enough for me to keep recapping. I actually do like the show, so I wouldn’t dream of hatecapping, but I don’t have it in me to recap anymore. Finale next week, though, which I will be covering. Here’s to hoping the season goes out with a righteous bang!

Well, y’all. It happened.

They killed Sammy.

There was a flashback puppy montage to destroy our souls even more. And then there was a lot of Jack crying. And then he and Emanda made out.

YES THEY DID. THEY MADE OUT OVER SAMMY’S DEAD DOGGY BODY. AND ASHLEY TOTALLY SAW THEM DOING IT.

Do they give out awards to animals? Because the doggy actor who plays Sammy (shamelessly not listed on IMBD.) should receive one for playing a dead dog really, really well. (There’s no way they could use a real dead dog, right? Oh, God, after everything that went down with Luck this year, they probably can. Ugggghhhhh.)

I am so upset about Sammy. This is ridiculous.

Aside from Sammy dying and Emanda and Jack irreverantly making out over his corpse, some other things happened in this episode, aptly named “Grief.” The writers obviously wanted us to feel the grief. Goddamn them.

One of the big developments of the episode is that Daniel SUCKS these days. I mean, right? He used to be all hot and sort of separatist from his family, what with him working at The Stowaway and dating the girl-next-door against his mom’s wishes and wanting nothing to do with Grayson Global. But NOT ANYMORE. Now he’s a company man through and through. To the point that he is flagrantly blackmailing Victoria. Which, you know, I have no particular problem with, it’s just such a departure from where he was at the beginning of the show.

And he’s also trying to change his and Emanda’s wedding into this giant publicity event for Grayson Global, which Emanda is NOT amused with. Especially since it interrupted her scheduled Spying-On-White-Haired-Shanker Time. Therefore, she spends the entire time Ashley is babbling on about how though the event won’t be on the Wills and Kate Scale, it should be elaborate since the Graysons are American Royalty.

Then Ashley awkwardly asked Emanda about her background and I’m all, “Weren’t you two friends or something at some point?” Also, when did they stop being friends? I guess during the whole Your-Fiancé-Killed-My-Bisexual-Asshat-of-a-Boyfriend thing. And, sure, they haven’t been around each other often, but the coldness between them took me by surprise. And is also an interesting development since Ashley saw the Jemanda™ Make-Out-Over-Dead-Sammy Session.

Anyway, back to Daniel for a second. Out of every character, his has seen the most growth. And it’s not a growth in a good way, in my opinion. But at this point, he’s sort of the most interesting character we have. (Other than maybe Ashley, in my opinion. I really have high hopes for her still. Maybe she’ll really do something DRASTIC and BADASS in the finale episode.) But if Daniel’s awfulness paves the way for Jemanda™, then I guess I’m good with it.

Which reminds me that Daniel gave Jack a million dollars in hush money so that he will disappear to Haiti and not fuck up his public image. I mean. On the one hand, how dare Daniel do that, but on the other hand . . . A MILLION DOLLARS BITCHES.

While we’re talking about the Porters, Declan has a new girly friend. She is from Yonkers, which is where I reside, and therefore I like her and refuse to dislike her. REFUSE I SAY. So she’s around now. Charlotte calls her a hoe after running away from Grayson Family Counseling, wherein Conrad and Victoria use an innocent game of “I like, I need” (which is this awful therapist-invented game in which every person says what they like about a person and what they need from said person) into a game of J’ACCUSE, and going to see Declan. While I feel bad for Charlotte, and weirdly want things to be ok for her somehow, bitch needs to back the fuck down. No one messes with Yonkaz.

On the Grayson front, Lydia is back to slutting it up with Conrad. Then Victoria does this whole thing about trying to make her jealous since Conrad hung the DeKooning he knows is a fake in their new sexpartment, and then Victoria rips it open and finds a Ziploc bag of cash and a tape hidden within the Faux-Kooning. Then Victoria tells Lydia that the SEC is quietly getting a case against Grayson Global together re: the 1993 flight and that if Lydia cooperates, she’ll also receive immunity. Since, you know, Victoria is such a good friend.

But the big event of the night involved Nolan rocking a sweet stache and breaking into White-Haired Shanker’s apartment and planting a bug. He did this to prevent Emanda from killing the White-Haired Shanker and in an effort to spy on him before they kill him/take him down/whatever. While this seems like a good idea, TURNS OUT that White-Haired Shanker is not so easily fooled by unexpected cable dudes rocking sweet staches.

But more on that in a minute. First, it’s important to note that Emanda sent some video footage she had taken of Daniel to Conrad so that it looked like White-Haired Shanker had been spying on Daniel. Conrad is obviously not amused by this and he meets with White-Haired Shanker and throws around words like “mutually-assured destruction.” Blah blah. Yadda yadda. But that conversation is what leads Nolan to the White-Haired Shanker, and now I’ve totally told that story backward. But y’all know what’s going on. So you’ll forgive me.

And in the last three minutes of the show some heavy things happen. (Well, not as heavy as the dog death and weep-inducing puppy montage, but still heavy.) Newly Horrible Daniel goes over to Emanda’s carrying the briefcase that has the information he flagrantly blackmailed from his mother to give to Conrad to keep him from being exposed to the SEC. Emanda apologizes for her behavior at the wedding planning meeting and then invites him upstairs. I’m sure his briefcase will disappear. Like that one time she was all sneaking around in the early morning hours with Amily and then the cops came to her house and she somehow had the time-stamped fish in the fridge. I like that time.

ANYWAY. SOMETHING AS HUGE AS SAMMY DYING HAPPENED AT THE END-END OF THE EPISODE.

White-Haired Shanker a) totally knew Nolan was not a cable guy, b) totally looped his video and fooled Nolan, and c) choked Nolan until he passed out. HE HURT NOLAN. HE MUST DIE.

That coupled with the loss of Sammy and the excitement of the Creepy Jemanda™ Kiss are just too much for me. I’ll need the week to recover.

And, based on the music in the teaser for next week’s season one finale episode, Florence + The Machine’s “Seven Devils,” which was also used in a Game of Thrones Season 2 teaser, THE FINALE WILL BE GREAT. *thunderclap*

Quotations 
“This is getting kinkier and creepier by the moment.”—Nolan

Yonkers, right? Didn’t need a trashy tee to figure that one out.”—Charlotte, a Bitch Who Needs to Back the Fuck Up Before All of Yonkers Comes At Her.

So those are my thoughts and feelings. Please do share yours in comments. Feel free to use the comments section as a group therapy session for any fictional dog deaths that you are still trying to get over.

Let’s start with Monday and Hart of Dixie. My annoyance with Zoe may have reached it’s crescendo with this episode. It’s probably not a good thing when most of your audience wants to smack the lead character on a weekly basis.

LOL Lavon. I love how excited he was for Wade.

Awkward… Hideous skirt, Lemon!

WAADE!

I would watch a show on the CW of just Wade talking, mixing drinks and making faces. (And getting naked and flirting and sexing up chicks. I want all of it.)

Oooh the patented Wade SADFACE. Guaranteed to make panties drop in a show of compassion.

It took me a few days to get over the Castle finale. Angst, heartbreak and the holy grail of a four year shipping payoff!

Cougar Town!

Grayson doing Michael Jackson moves in the wind was awesome!

The New Girl finale was pretty great. This first gif made me really laugh. It’s such a girl thing to worry about male roommates knowing you’re using the toilet, but she also has that weird co-ed bathroom to think about too.

Yet another turtleface mention!

I enjoy freaking out Winston.

We can be honest around here right? New Girl? Eh. This is Schmidt’s show now.

Why does Schmidt love kissing Nick so much? And why does Nick hate it? Just give in to it.

Best/worst part of the Revenge flashback episode? The wigs. Oh, boy! Jack’s was especially bad, but they look adorable. Plus, we got a Sammy the miracle dog sighting.

Suburgatory. When are these crazy kids going to finally get together? Also, any reference to the X-Files is fine with me.

Apt 23 is worth the watch, just for James Van Der Beek.

Parks and Rec! The curse was so great and effective.

Adam Scott is perfect.

TVD! A horrible product placement AND a burn from Damon. Bonnie, you’re going places darling!

Creepy.

Elijah!

So how’s this Klaus riding Tyler stuff going to work? Doesn’t matter, I guess. Let there be sex!

I just died in your arms tonightttt. Goodbye, my sweet Dalaric. You will be missed.

He’s so pretty.. Sigh.

Somerhalder face appreciation gifs.

Community! Britta’s beautiful Helena Bonham Carter hair hahaha.

Every week Donald Glover’s face is my favorite.

:D

I love that Annie has her face on the mug and everything.

Grimm was back on track last week. Have some Monroe sleeping, because you’d be sad if I forgot.

Supernatural! Poor Dean. First he’s separated from his Baby, and now he has to stay away from glorious pie?

Jared’s hair continues to be atrocious. Jensen is out handsome-ing you by a mile.

Let’s take a minute to fully appreciate Dean’s new leather jacket. Mmm hm.

NOT THE FACE! Don’t hurt the face.

Dick is fantastic and I love all the dick jokes. Why don’t people gif them? Argh.

Weird? Awesome? Too meta? Don’t care – yay season 8! Also, check the Michael painting in the background. Isn’t that from season 4? Are they giving us clues for the finale or next season or…

Girls! Don’t worry, no horribly awkward Adam masturbation scene gifs.

Oh man, the Killing. My emotions! I swear, I can’t handle all these Holder feelings.

Is anyone still watching Once Upon A Time? Apparently the Sheriff showed up in the finale? Too little, too late for me unfortunately.

I’ll end it there. If you sat and let this entire thing load, thank you. I appreciate you and you’re patience, as I tend to get carried away. If I missed something you wanted to see, let me know in the comments. With so many shows wrapping up, are you guys getting excited about the return of our favorite summer shows? Do you want me to continue the posts with these shows or just take a break? And if yes, what shows do you want to see? Let me know! Have a great rest of the week.

So, as I believe I mentioned last week, I have a real thing for stormy barn scenes thanks to my obsession with The Wonder Years.  This one was pretty good, except the lighting (and the fighting, really) could’ve been more dramatic.  However, I was HORRIFIED when the tiny baby goat got loose.  I even wrote in my notes, in all caps, “NOT THE BABY GOAT!”  I was CONCERNED.  However, as always, Wade stripping down fixed everything.  And honestly … how did that goat get that tangled up in barbed wire, and can’t goats eat through wire, and couldn’t Wade (and/or Zoe) have just lifted the wire in a place where there was no barb?  I mean, Jesus, people.  Still, a baby goat got rescued and I like that.  Although, where was that goat’s mother?  It really should’ve been watching to make sure its baby didn’t escape during some damn fool scheme to get a white shirt wet over candy.

But anyway.  I liked the barn scene, how some stuff got put out in the open, how you got to see the way Wade had convinced himself that his feelings for Zoe were nothing more than her playing hard to get, and how she’d convinced herself that they were all wrong for each other, and the way the sexual tension was mounting.  I loved that she called him over with the coffee pot, and he knew immediately what was going on.  I do think, that for as torrential a downpour was it was, he was pretty dry when he showed up at her door, but not to worry–everyone else was wet enough to MORE than make up for it, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  The sex was super hot but also sort of sweet, and hopefully the beginning of her feelings for Wade.  I was sort of okay with the end, just because she seemed more confused than anything, and given that the (stupid) story for the last few weeks has been about her George obsession, it does make story sense.  But hello, NAKED, SEXY WADE IN YOUR BED.  There’s really nothing to be confused about here.

Well, it’s pretty hard to talk about anything after that, and I’m guessing that most of you will stop reading here anyway, but let’s just discuss the rest of it to say we did, shall we?  Or rather, let’s just do a quick bullet list of things I liked, and then we’ll critique Lemon’s taste in wedding crap.  That’s where the real fun is, right?

• Liked the whole “signs of a squall” thing–small town and charming, in a cute, goofy way.  Ditto everyone helping on the firehouse (although let’s not think too hard about how it looked abandoned but the dalmatian still lives there).
• Love Lavon (always), and how he’s trying to move on and deal with how his life will be with living in a small town and having to see and interact with George and Lemon.  It was sad in that sort of realistic way, but it made me love him more.
• LOVED having more Annabeth, and being able to see a little more why she and Lemon are friends (history, mainly).
• Liked the potential love interest for Brick.

Okay, now to critiquing Lemon’s taste in wedding stuff!  (More bullets.  I’m an addict.)

• First of all, that dress was AMAZEBALLS.  The jewelry was fab–the hair was a little plain, but anything more might’ve been too much and it’s not like she doesn’t have the face to pull it off.
• The cake?  HIDEOUS.  I’ve shit more attractive pieces of cake.
• The swans were over the top, but I do think they’re pretty, so I’m going to consider it a wash.
• The bridesmaid dresses were GORGEOUS.
• The flowers, not so much.
• How about the HORRIFYINGLY HIDEOUS huge, heart-shaped (whoa, alliteration!) cheeseball picture of Lemon and George?  I almost puked.

So basically, I think what we can take away from this whole thing is that if you happen to be planning a wedding and Lemon offers to help, let her dress everyone and not do anything else.

Alright, what did you guys think of this episode?  I know that everyone has OPINIONS, so let’s hear it!  You don’t even need prompting, do you?  To the comments!

Om nom nom

“He stripped off his skin and tossed it into the fire and he was in human form again.”

THAT’S WHAT I’M TAKING ABOUT! Friday’s episode was back in form, and I’m so fucking excited. Not that I had any doubt that it would be, but you guys… when an episode – especially an episode of Grimm – is this good… God, it just makes me so happy. These are my favorite episodes: when the story is about Nick, and throw in some Eddie playing detective for good measure, and then some Wesen just happen to get involved. That’s great. Also, having the psychiatrist say that shit about Nick’s inner self coming out whether he wants it to or not? Awesome. I think we’ve been seeing some of this come through, and honestly, Nick being all Grimm-y is a badass. I’m looking forward to seeing it come out even more.

So the episode. This episode was filled with information. But the interesting thing is that it was information that was really only relevant to this episode and the Wildermänner (I’m assuming this is the plural. It’s fun to say, regardless), but in this recapper’s opinion, it was a damn interesting Wesen, so all information was appreciated. Also, the fairytale that this was based on, “Hans My Hedgehog” is one of my favorite Grimm tales. Mostly because it ends with a really hot dude, but also because Hans is scary and does not fuck around. The Wesen in this episode doesn’t really turn out the way of ol’ Hans, but… still. It was pretty awesome.

So basically, the episode starts like the fucking Blair Witch Project. The two guys and a girl are hunting Bigfoot. And they find him. In a big way. Like, he comes at them bro, and throws one of them at a tree. Luckily, the dude’s handheld recorded the whole thing for posterity. Also, the police.

The same night, an old dude in a stable hears a noise from his pasture, and runs out there only to see that one of his horses has been attacked. Seabiscuit isn’t dead, but he did get nommed pretty bad. So the old guy calls… Juliette! Because she’s a vet! She concludes that some animal bit the horse, and when she and old guy investigate the area, they find blood (because he shot at it) and Bigfoot footprints, and they lead them right to a severed foot. Which was disgusting and awesome. And also belongs to one of the Blair Witchers. So… yeah.

Nick’s in AM’s Trailer comparing the stamps from the Super Special Secret Key to actual maps when Juliette calls him down to the scene. When he gets there with Hank and Co., they all basically come to the same conclusion: it was an animal attack. Wu, however, is man enough to say what’s what: “The answer’s obvious. These murders were committed by a barefoot man carrying a wolf.” HAHA! I expected Wu to actually suggest that it was Bigfoot, so I was a little disappointed at the missed opportunity at irony, but that line made me laugh, so all’s forgiven. Wu finds the handheld camera just as the girl runs hysterical out of the woods screaming about Bigfoot. Back at the station, they view the tape and determine that Bigfoot wears clothes – and plaid at that, apparently, though it IS the Pacific Northwest. Y’all know who would have more info about this Wesen?

Eddie! Already in this ep? OH HAPPY DAY! He wakes up in the middle of the night because he hears a noise. When the creature comes in his back door, he attacks, but he knows him! He’s all “Larry?” which makes me laugh for some reason. Eddie helps him to the couch where he sees that he’s been shot in the leg. There’s a bigger problem, though. Eddie realizes he’s not retracting from his Wesen form. He calls Nick over to his Haus and explains the situation to him. The reason this is a problem is that, right now Larry is in a state that everyone can see, which is why he couldn’t “9-1-1 it.” Larry apparently can’t folge, which Eddie explains roughly means the hormonal change that occurs that turns them into beats. So… menopause then? (Oh, snap!) Eddie also tells Nick that Larry was seeing this psychiatrist Konstantin Brinkerhoff. Nick scoffs at the idea of a Wesen therapist, and we both have a laugh.

But then, the police dogs arrive! AND THEY’RE COMING RIGHT FOR ‘EM! Luckily Eddie says that he marks his territory (I’m afraid to ask), and it’s freaking out the dogs; they don’t know where to go. Nick is all, “It’s freaking me out,” and his delivery sounds so much like Paul Rudd’s in Clueless when he’s all, “I’m buggin’ myself,” that I have to LOL. Anyway, Eddie’s plan is to put on Larry’s shirt and throw the dogs off the trail to his house. So he does, and when the dogs corner him out in the woods, he, like, fucking roars and scares the dogs off. Poor Hank, who’s with the dogs too, hears it, and Eddie literally runs into him on his way of the woods. And Hank looks freaked the FUCK out, you guys. Oh, man.

Back at his Haus, Eddie tells Nick what happens, but assures him it’s okay because Hank only saw him for a second, and he was wearing Larry’s shirt anyway. Eddie! Don’t YOU own plaid? Like, of the same color? I’m pretty sure you do. ANYWAY, LARRY’S AWAKE! He starts screaming to them to “get it out!” and pulls something out of the back of his neck. Ugh. For a second there, I thought he was going to tear his skin off like in “Hans My Hedgehog,” who pulled off his hedgehog skin to reveal the beautiful male model underneath. But instead… WTF is that? Then Larry starts going on about how he “didn’t mean to” but he “couldn’t help it.” And then he dies. And YOU GUYS. Eddie looks so beaten up about it! I… I NEED TO CUDDLE HIM.

So as not to tie Eddie to Larry, he and Nick go leave the body out in the woods so the cops could find him. Eddie can’t get over how NOT typical this behavior was for Larry. Before they leave, he eugoogalizes Larry: Eine hat ein Ende. Nur die Wurst hat zwei. Everything has an end. Only the sausage has two. This sounds really kind of ridiculous, but it does make sense, and I fucking love Eddie so much for saying all this. You guys, if you could only have seen my face before he explained why he said it, though. Sausages.

Anyway, Nick wants to talk to the psychiatrist who deals with the Wildermänner, and we find out he’s ALSO a Wildermann. You know who else was? Henry David Fucking Thoreau.

I can see it.

So he goes to talk to the doc, and it’s THAT GUY. He’s giving a speech about confronting your true self, and blah blah blah, it needs to be treated with respect and love. Which is, of course, on the other side of the Life Line from hate. GOD, what a charlatan. Nick starts questioning him about Larry, but Brinkerhoff isn’t really giving much info away. He does say that there’s no “quick cure” to impulse problems, so there’s no medication. But, well… we don’t really believe him, do we?

Anywho, the cops find Larry’s body, and Hank is really, really torn up about it. Not that he’s dead, but that he looks different than when he saw him. They discover that the thing in Larry’s neck is a device that dispenses medication. And Renard has a press conference to announce that they found their man. So of course that night, another Wildermann attacks a couple of hobos. The guy, who Hobo #2 manages to kill, has the same device in his neck.

So, while all this shit is going down, Eddie heads to the Helvetia Tavern where there’s a support group of sorts for Wesen with impulse issues. He goes to talk to the group leader about Larry. The last time he saw him, he was acting weird, and all this stuff we already figured out. The only reason I mention this is because, little fun fact about the Helvetia Tavern: It’s a real place. But that’s not the funny part. And maybe I’m reading too much into this, but this tavern is the place for a support group. Kind of a neutral area, right? Did y’all know another name for Switzerland is Confoederatio Helvetica?  Also, according to the Wikipedia, Helvetia is basically the Swiss version of Uncle Sam? So… how’s that for a (probably wrong) realization? #proudofmyself

Okay, so a lot of info and shit happens in a very short amount of time now. They find out the medicine in the pumpers is just a very legal mix of steroids, spices and herbs, and there were four ordered by Brinkerhoff. They know the location of 3 (Larry, Allen – the hobo attacker, and another guy Dan that Eddie establishes is also dead). So the fourth belongs to… BRINKERHOFF! No big surprise there, really. But still. Eddie gets to his office to question him, and GOD I love Eddie when he’s being all tough badass like this. I mean, like, he takes of his jacket and HEL-LO.

The doc starts to explain that the medicine works, but problems start when the dosage gets low. And he’s trying to up his own but he’s shaking too much, and he busts out the window just as Nank get there. He starts attacking people and Nank give chase. You know, this is probably my favorite chase scene of the entire season. Mostly because when Brinkerhoff goes into a theater, people actually start screaming “BIGFOOT!” He drags a woman into the rafters of the theater, and almost gets the jump on Nick, but Hank shoots him and Brinkerhoff falls to his death. And then, you guys… AND THEN the BEST goddamn part of the whole episode happens:

Brinkerhoff is still all Wesen-ed out, and HANK FUCKING SEES HIM FOLGE BACK INTO A HUMAN. GODDDDDDDDDDAMN THIS IS BRILLIANT! He’s freaking the fuck out and NICK IS PRETENDING HE DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING. I can’t even. Let me just show you what I wrote in my notes during this scene:

OMG. OMG Hank is going to have a mental breakdown. Omg omg omg. Oh god, Nick how are you doing this? WOW. FUCKING WOW. Dear Russell Hornsby, HOLY SHITBALLS MAN. THAT WAS AMAZING.

I have so much respect for that man, you guys. SO MUCH LOVE.

After that scene, my excitement was so freaking high… and you know what? It GOT BETTER/WORSE. At home, Nick is watching the news with Juliette and they’re talking the lies about Brinkerhoff wearing a costume mask during his rampage, and I laugh. But then Juliette tells Nick about how she had some hair that she found at the stables tested, and they came back inconclusive because it seems to be from an amalgamation of species, which is beyond weird. Her brain gears started turning and she wonders: ““What if all the stories we’ve heard? What if they’re not stories? What if they’re real?” Again from my notes:

THAT WAS IN THE FIRST EP THEY SAID THAT IN THE FIRST EP

NICK’S FACE YOU GUYS NICKS FAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Random Thoughts/Quotes

• The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” is on Eddie’s chest when he wakes. I’m not sure I want to think about the implications of that.
• I’m glad they finally showed the media hounding an officer. Because with all the weird shit just suddenly going down in this town, I’m glad someone else is noticing too.
• “That’s great. All that’s missing are the townsfolk with pitchforks and torches.”
• “This is how legends end up killing innocent people.”
• I love that Eddie tells Nick that he bumped into Hank before he “logged out.”
• Brinkerhoff suggests Nick come talk to him about his identity issues. HAHAHA! FOR REAL THOUGH.
•  “Whats the best way to help a friend quit drinking? Tear his arms off.” I LIKE IT.
• Every site lists the doc’s name as Brinkerhoff. If his name had been “Bringerhoff,” it would literally mean “bringer of hope,” which would be fitting in an ironic sort of way. And that concludes your Daily German With Christina.

So what did you guys think of the ep? Like, I’m seriously dying over here. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Was it everything you’d hoped it’d be? How fucking excited/sad are you that next week is the finale? It looks like Juliette’s going to find out Nick’s a Grimm. Did you guys expect that? What do you think? AH GOD ALL THE EMOTIONS.

Pete struts into the elevator to announce that the New York Times is interested in doing a feature on SCDP, so Don pulls together their creative portfolio. It looks like Ginzo is writing most of their copy. That boy is GOING PLACES, KIDS! Don doesn’t want to include “The Letter,” probably because he’s internalized that it’s the kiss of death in their business.

Those of us who live for Bert Cooper moments get a big win as he tries to get Roger to help him land the Manischewitz wine account, because of “his Semitic wife.” Roger reminds him they’re getting divorced. “Not Mona, Jane!” says Cooper, witheringly. Yeah, Cooper. Welcome to the treehouse. Cooper, on being informed that Jane is also on her way to Splitsville, checks his watch and says “so soon?” Ouch.

Leaving the office late, Don finds himself rifling through a file of Ginzo’s pitches for Sno-Ball. He’s amused, and it inspires a weird series of stream-of-consciousness pitches of his own.

Betty stops by the Draper residence to pick up the kids, is filled with self-loathing by the sight of Don’s new digs even BEFORE she watches a lithe, sexy Megan button her blouse through the window on the deck. JESUS, Matt Weiner, what did January Jones do to you? Oh, not to mention Megan’s easy rapport with the kids.

Betty, on getting home, mainlines canned whipped cream. Oh, whatever, we’ve all been there!

In the Sno-Ball pitch meeting, Don clearly feels pressure to compete with Ginzo. Ginzo mildly pushes back, expressing fake excitement that Don can “still write” after so much time away from the actual work of creating pitches. Hmmmmm.

Betty is at a horrific-looking Weight Watchers meeting. Not horrific, okay, just…unpleasant. Betty radiates “I am not really a fat person.” But then she shares (minus details) her crappy Megan-spotting incident, so maybe she’s trying to be less flat-affect these days.

Megan is helping a friend of hers to a scene study, and they get into a Fight over Megan being a dilettante now, and Megan resenting her friend for actually getting work as an actress.

Roger has obviously called Ginzo in to help with the Manischewitz account. Apparently, Manischewitz is looking to sell wine to “normal people” now.  Ginzo is supposed to keep it from Don, because Roger wants to cut Pete out of the shuffle completely. God, you guys, it’s like a little soap opera in that office. Just poison each other, go telenovela with it!

Betty finds Henry secretly frying himself a steak. Why should everyone suffer? Henry does seem like a nice guy, you know? He emotes about his job, Betty is nice (okay, she’s repeating Weight Watchers slogans, but it’s a step.) He feeds her a bite of steak. We’ve all thought about the possibility that Henry prefers Betty fat, right? I mean, he came onto her when she was Mega Pregnant.

Roger calls Jane, wants her to tag along to the Manischewitz dinner and be Professional Jewish for him. She wants a new apartment. And has one in mind. Man, I hope Roger has some savings.

Rory Gilmore slinks into SCDP in a fur coat. And underwear. And pearls. Oh, PSYCH, no, she didn’t. Pete is just being dreamy on the couch in his office. We all remember he impregnated Peggy on the couch in his office, right?

Betty is home, pretending to be a decent, involved mother, and finds an absurdly sweet note that Don has written for Megan on the back of a school drawing. WHICH embitters Betty sufficiently to inform Sally (working on a family tree for an assignment) that Don has a dead wife named Anna. In order, of course, to make sure Megan finds out. Wow, Betty. WOW. All of Betty’s sympathy points in this episode are floating away. She stuffs the drawing in the trash and stomps off.

Don rolls out the two Sno-Ball images to the account boys (his and Ginzo’s). They like Ginzo’s better. Don is not happy.

Sally is being kind of a bitch to Megan, who she feels betrayed her by not telling her about Anna. Megan, happily, already knows about Anna, and is as nice to Sally about it as she can muster. It’s a neat scene. Megan and Don fight about it, Sally overhears.

Late night at the office: Ginzo tells Peggy about his extra work for Roger, deliberately leaves out the Jewish detail to make her think he was picked for being the best creative. Peggy is not pleased.

The New York Times piece comes out, SCDP has not been mentioned (insufficiently hip).  Don yells at Pete for telling him on a Sunday. Then he talks to Sally about the Anna situation. She remembers going to her house in California. Wow, Don, it’s like children HEAR AND UNDERSTAND things. He asks her to apologize for being mean to Megan about it.

Peggy and Roger have a fantastic confrontation in the elevator. She accuses him of disloyalty, and not understanding her range.

DON DRAPER, YOU SLY DOG. Don purposely leaves Ginzo’s Sno-Ball pitch in the CAB, so they’ll have to use his. Is this “act like a child” week? Seriously!

Betty, smug as shit, asks Sally if she told Megan about Anna. Sally, COOL AS A CUCUMBER, says that Megan and Don “showed her lots of pictures and spoke of her very warmly.” Yes, Betty. Don tells Megan his secrets. You have nothing. NOTHING.

Roger and Jane are rocking their faux-Jewish dinner, when the son of the Manischewitz executives show up looking like a freaking matinee idol.  Jane and Matinee Idol have sparks flying all over the place.

BACK AT THE OFFICE, Harry comes in to tell the creatives that Sno-Ball loved the pitch. DON’S PITCH, of course. Ginzo goes postal when he hears that Don left his pitch in the cab. Well, it’s like “Game of Thrones,” guy, sorry. Harry tells him to suck it up. Peggy is thrilled, in a snide way.

Jane and Roger, in the cab on the way home. Roger tells her to keep it in her pants around Bernie, the Matinee Idol. And he wants her to show him the new apartment. Is he going to try to seduuuuuce her? Yes. The next morning, she’s upset. She wanted to move out of their old place because of the memories, and now he’s ruined this one too. Jane: “You get everything you want and you still had to do this.” Roger is either fake-guilty or genuinely-guilty.

Pete and Howard the Cuckold on the train. Pete threatens to fuck Howard’s wife (again). Howard thinks he’s joking. Pete needs to get it together.

Ginzo and Don have it out on the elevator (just like “Grey’s Anatomy”). Ginzo: “I feel bad for you.” Don: “I don’t think about you at all.”  YOWZA. Don does think about him, of course.  He thinks about him all the time.

It’s a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving at the Francis home. Sally pointedly remarks on her mother’s hunger. Bobby is oblivious. Betty says “I’m thankful I have everything I want, and that no one else has anything better.” Jesus, Matt Weiner. Jesus.

Has Sam never heard of homemade pie? There's no need to get drastic.

I’m just going to go ahead and say that it’s kind of genius to vilify high-fructose corn syrup by making it Dick Roman’s chosen method for creating fat, happy and docile humans who won’t object to becoming food for the Pac Men (and Ms. Pac Men) down the road. Because if you take out the Leviathan/soylent green aspect of it all, it ain’t too far from the truth. HFCS really is bad for us, and it really is in everything. I wonder if SPN will face any kind of Oprah/beef industry-style blowback from the corn syrup people as a result of all this? If so, I’d like to read the transcripts of the courtroom testimony because that shit would be hilarious. (HFCS Muckity-Muck: ‘Our issue with this show is that it is making us, the High-Fructose Corn Syrup industry, out to be literal monsters. When in fact that couldn’t be further from the truth. We are merely figurative monsters’).

So yeah, I think it’s clever, and I like it. And maybe it will convince us all to grab a banana and some water the next time we’re craving some ‘road food’. Or, it won’t (face it – we’d all be Eric Cartman screaming for our Cheesy Pouffs). But it’s still funny. And topical! And Dick Roman continues to awesomely ooze slime every time he’s onscreen, which only adds to my delight. I mean, look at this smarmy motherfucker:

Wants to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Hold the beans and Chianti.

He’s the best, and I love him. But I also want to see him die a firely and painful death, and inspiring this kind of internal dilemma in the audience is exactly what a show like Supernatural should strive for – it’s an indication of a great Big Bad.

The hunt is on for the ingredients needed to kill Dick Roman and (hopefully) the rest of the Leviathans with him. Fallen angel blood: check! Now all that’s needed are the blood of two more individuals: an Alpha and Crowley. Then they must be used to coat the bone of a righteous mortal (which reminds me of Pheobe telling Rachel and Monica that they needed the semen of a righteous man for their ‘getting over our boyfriends’ spell. Because everything, EVERYTHING, can be related back to Friends). The brothers called Crowley first but he wasn’t willing to give up his blood until the 11th hour since he doesn’t trust anyone to hang onto it for any length of time. It’s thinking like that that got him where he is today. The President of Hell can’t just go throwing his bodily fluids around willy-nilly, you know.

I really loved all of the Sucrocorp/Dick Roman/Alpha vamp stuff in this episode. The one thing that didn’t work so much for me, and I know that this might not be a shared opinion, was Bobby. I reserve the right to change my mind once we see how this all plays out next week, but I’m not really loving Bobby being reduced to a bratty ghost that requires 24-hour babysitting. I’m hoping that he’ll have a big hero moment in the finale, but for now I wish that they’d use him sparingly so we weren’t subjected to yet another conversation about how he’s going to snap soon. We get it – this isn’t good for him, he’s a danger to the plan…can we just have him knock the odd book off a table until they’re ready to take this story to the next level? And don’t get me started on how this flask attachment works: he can’t hear the brothers talking five feet away if they put the flask in the car, yet he can zap himself inside Alpha Manor no problem?

But on to happier things, like alpha vampires and their super creepy progeny. I mean, we all saw it coming that the girl was bullshitting them, right? She was far too calm, and in a situation where you’ve been kidnapped by vampires and held against your will for 12 years, calmness is creepy. But Sam and Dean have always had a weakness for damsels in distress, so they overlooked the glaring warning signs and chose to focus on being heroes instead.

But it all led them to the Alpha Vamp who was sooooo good in his previous appearance on the show and kept the trend going in this episode. I could watch him all day – he’s so charismatic, so charming and so badass. He carries himself in a way that you just kind of have to admire him, even though he does loathsome things like kill people and collect innocent children to drink from. I mean, just check out his face off with Edgar, the leviathan second-in-command. He showed no fear! And he even managed to slam Edgar against a wall or two before Dean and Sam went in for the kill.

So now, we have what appears to be the start of a monster vs. monster war. We’ve known all along that the HFCS is making humans into suitable and willing leviathan food, but this week we learned that the same substance is also making them poison to all other baddies. Vampires, werewolves, wendigos, etc. were promised a never-ending human buffet if Dick went ahead with their support, but as the Alpha found out this week, the non-Pac Men monsters will instead be cut off from their supply completely.

I imagine that now that the Alpha knows what’s up, word will spread quickly through the monster community (that’s a thing), and they’ll also be told that, for now, Sam and Dean are not to be fucked with. And Sam and Dean, who now have the Alpha blood, will use whatever connections they have to bring Dick down. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, after all.

It all comes down to next week, and frankly, there is so much that has to happen I’m honestly not sure if we’ll get any kind of resolution or if they’ll purposefully keep this story going into next season. Oh yeah – did I forget to mention that the show has been picked up for another year? Because it has! So really, anything can happen next week because the writers know that they have the luxury of torturing us all summer.

Random thoughts & favorite quotes:

• Sex just keeps making things awkward between Dean and Sam. A few weeks ago they realized that they had both slept with the same woman, and now they discover that they both made repeated use of the same Playboy as kids (Anna Nicole, for the record). And the nudie mag initially belonged to their DAD. And he carried it around in his duffel bag. Gross. I bet when all was said and done, there was enough Winchester DNA on that thing to create a very rugged clone army.
• Dean’s new brown leather jacket? HAWT.

• Call Chef Fieri. I feel like barbeque. (Obviously this makes sense. Fieri has never seemed quite right.)
• Slurpee Dude: Ow, that hurts. This is for Hurricane Katrina you said?
• What’s a Kardashian? (Oh, if only I could honestly ask that question)
• I think any way you slice it, you’ve got Pac Man and True Blood in the same room and that’s bad news.
• Alpha Vamp getting meta with the Winchesters: See you next season.

Okay, that’s it from me. I’ve included the promo for next week (the SEASON FINALE!!) below, so after you check it out be sure to hit the comments with all of your thoughts on this episode, Bobby’s predicament, renewal celebrations, and theories for next week and beyond. Like, who will be the righteous mortal to provide the bone? Will it have to be someone who’s already dead? And what bone will it be exactly? With all of the dick jokes that have flying around all season, you’ll forgive me if my mind goes straight into the gutter. (Man, I just got a visual of Dean or Sam using their actual BONE, washed in the three bloods of course, to literally fuck Dick to death. I’m not opposed to this plan, though I doubt the CW would be able to get that past Standards & Practices. Oh well – I guess that idea will have to be saved for the inevitable porn parody of the show. Superfuckable? Leave all SPN porn parody suggestions in the comments!)

And this, my friends, brings us to the end of the fourth season of Parks. But fear not, it got a full season renewal, so we’ll be graced with 22 new episodes come fall. Consequently, that will tip Parks into syndication territory, so hopefully we’ll soon be able to giggle at it every day. Let’s keep our fingers crossed, yes? Now that I’ve recovered from the Harry Potter Beer Olympics (you’ve gotta love college, right?) let’s have a little chat about the episode.

There are three possible outcomes to this election: win, lose, or draw. In the event of an exact tie, the seat is awarded to the male candidate and the female candidate is put in jail. The polls teeter back and forth all episode with Bobby, Leslie, and Brandi Maxxx all taking turns in the lead. Jerry pulled a Jerry and forgot to vote, so he spends all episode praying that Leslie doesn’t lose by a one vote margin. Despite the fact that the Newport campaign wasn’t allowed to implement their fancy little electronic voting machines (if a vote was cast for Bobby, a free candy bar certificate was produced. If a vote was cast for Leslie, you had to confirm that choice and then were forced to listen to a baby cry. For shame, Sweetums, for shame), the race remains close throughout the episode.

During the day, Leslie and Bobby appear together in a PSA, saying, “Everyone should get out and vote no matter who you’re voting for.” And even if it’s not, I”m choosing to believe that this is a West Wing shout out to “No matter who you vote for, make sure you vote” when Will Bailey was continuing a campaign for a deceased candidate. Bobby Newport’s brain dead, so it’s kind of the same, right? Anyway, Bobby once again affirms that he’s voting for Leslie. She seems like a great candidate and he’s pretty sure you’re not allowed to vote for yourself. Leslie smartly does not correct him of that notion. Atta girl, Leslie!

While Leslie & Bobby are filming their PSA, Ben is getting offered a six-month job to manage a congressional campaign out of DC, working with Bobby Newport’s campaign manager Jennifer Barkley. I live in DC, sooo can I have that job? The catch is, if he says yes, he has to be in DC in two days. When Ben told Leslie about this offer, she reacted to Ben’s news exactly how I would have. Happy or angry? Hard to tell. At first she does the selfish thing and says that their lives are finally calming down and that she wants to have a normal relationship without the stress of campaigning. But that’s not fair and she realizes that. She changes her mind and urges him to go to DC and take this amazing job offer. They’ll visit each other on weekends and make out all over DC. She even gives him an adorable little Washington Monument figurine. (She has like, 50 in her office.)

And yet, after all the Knope campaign’s hard work, “Bobby Newport, scion of the Sweetums candy empire and amateur go-kart champion has won the race.” By 21 measly votes he is declared the victor. Leslie reacts inappropriately by laughing because her dream is dead. Oh, fuck indeed.

But don’t worry, y’all. Twenty-one votes is well within recount margin so that’s what they do. Jenn Barkley isn’t a happy camper because she just wants to get away from Pawnee. She could care less about the outcome and it’s obvious. But all’s well that ends well and Ann announces that the margin’s still at 21 votes. Only this time, post-recount, Leslie has won.

Tom had a precognitive dream that leads him to believe that he and Ann will be getting back together. Instead of watching their little train wreck, I’d much rather just see the dream that Tom had.

At the Parks Department, April has accidentally deleted all the files on every computer. But don’t worry, she did the right thing and hid under the table while waiting for backup (Andy). It seems that Andy fixes computers and Xboxes the same way that I do, by blowing into the cartridge slot (so 1997, I know). April is understandably worried about getting fired, but also fearful of getting lectured by Leslie about responsibility again. Poor April. But it’s fine because ten years ago Donna installed a secret back-up drive because Jerry deletes things all of the time. Problem solved but not before Andy & April brainstorm places they would move to and jobs that they would get to avoid Leslie’s wrath.

Notable & Quotable

• Andy needs to get longer ties.
• Ben’s faces/voices at all times in this episode. Especially when trying the liquor that Ron made him drink. Priceless.
• Ann trying to cheer Leslie up and vent her frustrations by having her box. Consequently, Leslie trying to answer her phone with boxing mitts on.
• “I’m going to go vote. Just fulfill a lifelong dream of mine and acheive one of my all-time happiest moments, real quick.” – Leslie
• “Well I’ve never been one for meeting new people, or doing new things or eating new types of food or travelling outside of Southern Indiana. I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.” – Ron effing Swanson
• “I know it’s a one night stand and that she’s leaving town, but our ferocious sexual decathalon did radically improve my mood.” – Chris
• “You need to write a speech about if I tie. Something about the poetic nature of democracy and how I’m going to fight this thing from my prison cell.” – Leslie
• “It’s not bobby newport who’s going to beat me, it’s Brandi Maxxx the porn star. What is this, Italy?” – Leslie
• “I know I’ve said this to you before and I know it makes you uncomfortable, but you are thoughtful, and you are brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.” – Leslie
• “Guess who’s got two thumbs and just was cleared from insurance fraud? This guy. Got off on a technicality.” – Jean Ralphio

That’s it for this season. They’ve set us up pretty well for next year what with Ben in DC, Leslie on City Council, Ron holding down the fort in the Parks Department, Jerry is still everyone’s whipping boy, Tom & Ann potentially moving in together and the possibility of Andy joining the Pawnee PD.

"Mama mia, mama mia ... mama mia let me go!"

You guys … this episode was really great.  And also a little confusing.  But mostly just really, really great.  So let’s talk about it!

I always have a hard time knowing where to start, but for some reason, it’s even tougher this week, I guess just because there was so much happening.  So let’s go back to the beginning … as in … FLASHBACKS!  You know, for someone who seems to be way less into the Civil War era flashbacks than everyone else, I have gotten a HUGE kick out of basically any other time period of flashbacks.

So obviously, it was fun seeing Elena being a happy bimbo–although I don’t care HOW peppy you are, who in the hell wakes up smiling to their alarm clock, turns it up, and dances?  Give me a fucking BREAK.  On a show of vampires, werewolves, vampire-werewolf hybrids, witches, ghost whisperers, magic rings, unicorns, time travel, aliens, ET CETERA, you would think that they would know where the limit is.  But show, there is a line drawn in the sand and you CROSSED IT!

And of course, it was educational to see Elena jerking Matt around, and not in the fun way, and a little bittersweet to see Jenna again.  I always did love her.  And we’ll come back to the Damon stuff, of course.  But mainly, I think this was the perfect time to show us Elena’s parents.  She’s really been dealing with that this year and it’s come up a few times, and I just think that it was really well-placed.

And let’s just go ahead and discuss the drowning scenes now, while we’re on the subject. They were good, and well done.  And Elena’s dad telling Stefan to save her instead was so poignant.  And I understood why Stefan saved Matt–because Elena’s free will is always the thing he puts first.  But … okay.  This is my issue with shows with super powers.    It’s like … the powers kind of come and go when convenient.  I mean, I’ll agree to overlook it, but first, I have to get it off my chest.  Stefan is a super strong, super fast vampire, right?  And Grayson Gilbert was still alive.  Couldn’t stefan have super quickly, with his super strength, ripped off Grayson’s door so he could swim to shore and then ripped off Elena’s door and saved her?  I just …  And then when Elena was telling him to save Matt, she had plenty of capacity to tell Stefan what to do, but then he took Matt and Elena just SAT there.  I mean, seriously?  You can point and make crazy face, but you can’t, oh, I don’t know, UNBUCKLE YOUR FUCKING SEATBELT AND NOT DIE?  I get that Elena had to die for all of the story stuff to work, and I’m cool with that.  And I’m actually really glad that they saved Matt, because I feel like they finally figured out what to do with him.

BESIDES make him just be Elena’s girl talk buddy.  God, how awkward was that?  But again, Elena is pretty sure the world revolves around Elena (did I say PRETTY sure?  Make that TOTALLY POSITIVE), and Matt is too sweet and/or polite to tell her to fuck off.  But seriously, Elena?  Fuck off.

Anyway.  I loved Matt and Jeremy, and how they were together, and how they just wanted to protect Elena and keep the human perspective alive, but in a non-crazy, non-Evilaric sort of way.  And I do feel like the show’s need to maintain a connection to true, non-supernatural humanity is what has kept Matt alive this long.  I just wish it hadn’t taken quite so long to fully integrate him.

And speaking of Jeremy, he was really great in this episode too.  I loved how he was trying to find the really delicate balance of doing what was best for Elena and what would keep her the safest.  Of COURSE he took her to the hospital, which was obviously a smart choice.  But he recognized that Damon was right about her being a sitting duck that all the Originals would be after, so he got her the hell out.  But not just back to Stefan and Damon–OUT out.  Of course, that didn’t work, but … it was a nice thought.

And wow, did Jeremy’s ghost-seeing powers (there’s gotta be a better word for that, right?  But it escapes me at the moment) come in handy or WHAT when Alaric showed up to say goodbye?  It was really sweet, and you know, I felt like Alaric already really got a great goodbye before turning whole hog evil, but this just really put a beautiful finish on the whole thing.  And man, I love Matt Davis.  He’s played at least three different characters on this show, each one distinct and outstanding, and I’ll definitely miss having him around.  BUT I am very excited about his new show that has been picked up for next season, yay!

Ya know what else?  I was sitting around thinking about how we are getting VERY thin on “adults” on this show, but then I realized that we picked up Meredith this season and she’s still around, and I’m really happy about that.  I like her, and I think there’s potential for all sorts of fun stuff with that.

Alright, let’s wade into the heavy duty vampire stuff going on, starting with Caroline and Tyler.  You guys … I love her so much.  She was so sweet with Tyler, and of COURSE she needs a curling iron.  You go get her that curling iron, Tyler!

Oh, you guys.  I am not going to be able to avoid this anymore.  I actually watched this episode twice, mainly because the Klaus and Tyler thing confused me so much.  I’ve kind of made peace with it, like … maybe I’m SUPPOSED to have a lot of questions, but if you guys have any better ideas or thoughts that make more sense or answers to any of the questions, PLEASE leave them in the comments, because I am lost.  So anyway.  On the rewatch, I was trying to see if I could figure out the moment with Tyler where he became Klaus.  I’m not sure.  I wonder if he started feeling weird when Bonnie started to put Klaus in him?  (Oh, god … THE HOYAY!)  I get that Klaus was DEFINITELY the sire of the bloodline of all our peeps, and I get that he’s all up in Tyler now (this show is KILLING ME here) and that’s why everyone is alive, but I have so many other questions/things I’m confused about that I’m gonna need bullets.  No, not for my brain!  I’m not THAT confused.  Just for listing purposes:

• So … was this really Bonnie’s best plan?  Isn’t there a cloaking spell or some shit?
• Klaus’s body … definitely dead, right?  (I was, by the way, SO surprised that they did that.)  But if he’s not in it at the time, it doesn’t count?  That seems … cheap.  Or am I being too hard on it?
• We’ve seen before where Klaus occupies a body (Alaric’s), and Alaric is still in there, being repressed.  Is Tyler still in his body too?  And if so, who was in Klaus’s body when he was getting staked and looking around and stuff?  It’s not like Rebekah went into Esther’s body when Esther took her over, right?
• Why did he need to go into Tyler’s body?  Wouldn’t it have made sense to stick him in a different donor body, if the goal was keeping all your friends alive and happy and, you know, unpossessed?
• So does this make Klaus killable now, if he’s in Tyler’s body?  And since he’s in Tyler’s body, is he technically still an Original?  And if not, could he be killed without killing the entire bloodline?  Which brings me back to when he was possessing Alaric–while he was in a human body, was he still a vampire, or was he human at that point?

Do you see why I was having a brain cramp?  Anyway, so as of now, Caroline either has Klaus in Tyler’s body OR Klaus AND Tyler in Tyler’s body.  Girlfriend could do a lot worse.

And finally, Elena and The Salvatores.  You know … the whole time she was babbling on about this to Matt (and I’ve already told you how I feel about that), she mostly just seemed selfish and whiny and maybe a little greedy.  But at least she seemed to recognize this about herself.  And you guys know that at some point last season, I somehow started to prefer Stefan to Damon for Elena, and I loved when he went back and kissed her and man … those two still got it.  But the whole episode, I basically couldn’t stop thinking about how if it’s THAT HARD for you to choose one of them, then maybe the answer is really neither of them.  Right?  I know.  It doesn’t work for TV.  But if anyone out there is reading this and going through it in their real life, that’s my advice.

Anyway, Elena picked Stefan in the most non-committal, wishy-washy way possible, and told Damon, “Maybe if I had met you first …”  Well, turns out she did, but Damon compelled her and … oh DAMON.  Why ya always gotta fuck shit up?  Basically.  But you know, this episode really reinforced things that we’ve seen all year and all series, which is that Stefan will always let Elena make her own choices, and he’ll always be there for her and love her, and it’ll be sweet.  Meanwhile, Damon will do ANYTHING to keep her alive, even if it means he can’t be with her, and he can’t be the one she loves.  Even if it means she hates him, which of course she’s gotten past now.  He takes it on the chin.  And as we’ve been over before, neither of those kinds of love is better or worse than the other, they’re just … different.  And I think that the curse of the Salvatores is that it’s like … neither one of them is ever really enough for the person they love.  They keep finding these bitches who want the safe, secure, tender love and the dangerous, passionate, bad boy love.  And unfortunately, whichever half is missing is always going to turn up and compete.

Maybe Bonnie should make herself useful and cram both of those two into one sexy body.

Anyway.  So Elena’s a vampire, which I’ve been really excited to see happen.  I can’t say it was a huge shock, but I DO think it’s going to make next season really awesome and really turn things on their head, which I kind of think the show is due for.  I have some theories about what will happen with her being a vampire, but they’re loosely related to the books and even though this show has almost completely broken away from them, I don’t want to say anything that could be considered spoilery and ruin it for anyone else.  I’m really excited for all the possibilities next season.  I feel like the end of this season has really gotten awesome again, and I kind of wish the whole season would’ve gone more that way, but I do feel like the payoff was really worth it.  And I’m glad that we’re MOSTLY (but not totally) done with the Originals.  And speaking of … ELIJAH.  That is all.

So you guys, that’s it for this season!  What did you think?  Theories (NOT SPOILERS) for next season?  Favorite moments/lines?  Stuff you want to discuss?  Let’s talk about it all in the comments, and thanks for reading and all the great conversations this season!  Best readers on the internet. :)