Is it just me, or was this episode all over the place? I mean, there was the Schmidt and Cece being all are-we-or-aren’t-we, Jess dealing with a bitchy-spirited student, Winston still not having a job, and Nick receiving a cactus from Julia and much ado-ing about it. Not that there isn’t normally a lot going on within each episode, but normally they’re a little more cohesive than this one.

Or maybe this is the episode that will win an Emmy. *shrugs*

Either way, some PLOT-MOVING THINGS happened, people!

Alright, so to start off, we get a very fancy and oh-so adult viewer discretion advised screen right before we see Schmidt and Cece having the sex. Well, finishing the sex. Then they both talk about how great their sex is by Schmidt attempting an extended metaphor about how their humping is like a river (he’ll later do a cheese metaphor. Really.) and Cece saying, “I wish there were a word that meant complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing.” My two-cents is that there probably is, but that it’s probably in German. (There has to be a word like schadenfreude that is suitable, right? GERMAN SPEAKERS, HELP ME OUT.)

Anyway, Schmidt and Cece both enjoy having the sex together, but Cece doesn’t want anyone to know because she is ashamed of their sex. So she takes great pains to sneak out and not alert the roomies and/or any other living being to the fact that they are humping like bunnies. The problem is that the roomies know Schmidt is sleeping with a girl and has slept with her more than once and they want to meet her. That part of the plot line sort of just hangs there. I’m sure it’ll get picked back up next week.

While the roommates continue to puzzle over who Schmidt is sleeping with, Schmidt and Cece come to an agreement that Cece will go to breakfast in public with Schmidt if he sits in the car (like a dog) while she makes an appearance at a party. At this breakfast he says to her, ”You are the dopest, flyest . . . smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time.” which is just awesome and I’d probably marry any guy who said that to me. (Except not now since I’d know that he stole it off of the television.) To this Cece replies, “Do you want to tell the waitress?” which is just awesome and adorable and I really like them a whole bunch. So Schmidt then proceeds to make a wildly inappropriate speech about how happy he is to be sleeping with Cece and then parkours and then does push-ups. Because that’s what Happy Schmidts do.

Meanwhile, the school where Jess works is gearing up for their science fair (SCIENCE FAIR! I do not miss you.) and we get to see Jess’s classroom. It includes a kid awesomely named Harper, a chubby, not-so-smart kid named Nathaniel, and the brainy, bitchy girl who will become anorexic and then commit suicide during finals week in college due to the stress to be EVERYTHING and everyone will just be SHOCKED about it. Or she’ll become Blair Waldorf. Whatever. Her name is Rihanna of all things. This amused me to no end.

Anyway, Rihanna has made a working robotic arm for the science fair and Nathaniel is being bullied during lunch, so he asks Jess if he can eat lunch in the classroom. Jess sings a song to the class about how bullies aren’t nice while Nathaniel presses the muffled cymbal noise on the synthesizer over and over again. Turns out, Rihanna recorded the song and then put together a bitchy-spirited video making fun of Jess and uploaded it to the Interwebs. Winston and Nick find the video funny. Jess does not.

She confronts Rihanna about the video and Rihanna says some bitchy-spirited things to Jess that are 1) super gossipy and 2) nothing any kid should know about their bitch and 3) nothing any kid should have the balls to SAY to their teacher. MY GOD what is wrong with kids. (I know this is TV, but still.) After Rihanna sashays away, leaving Jess open-mouthed and completely baffled, Jess Hulk-smashes the robot arm. Then she calls Winston and asks him to bring her some tools to fix it.

Alright, so while all of this biznass with Jess and The Bitch-Child, and Schmidt and Cece has been going down, Nick has been freaking out about receiving a cactus from Julia, who sent it to him from China. DUDE. If she sent it to you in time for you to receive it before she returns, she likes you. Believe me, shipping to Asia is OMG SO RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE. He thinks that the message is that she doesn’t trust him enough to care for a regular plant and that is why she sent him a cactus. He then tries to water the cactus AND THEN drops it and breaks it. But don’t worry, he bandages the cactus back together and then calls and leaves Julia a bunch of embarrassing voicemails (including one in which he says “I love you WHAT did I just . . . *hang up*”) while he paces around his room and gets drunk. So, Julia shows up and unceremoniously tells him that she does want to break up, but didn’t know that until he left the voicemails. Wah wah.

Ok, now that you know that piece of drama, I can continue with the Winston Saves the Day Story. Winston and Nick brings tools to Jess and they attempt to fix Rihanna’s robot arm. (I just LOL’d by myself, in my bedroom as I wrote that. Though you should know. Also, Rihanna should TOTALLY have a robot arm.) So, at the science fair Rihanna’s robot arm doesn’t work at all and she and her bitchy mother accuse poor dim-witted Nathaniel of sabotaging it. Jess admits to wrecking the robot arm and as the Bitch Mom starts demanding to Tonya (Jess’s boss who enjoys pot-infused baked goods) that Jess be reprimanded. Winston steps in and says, “Your daughter sucks. She is the demon seed. She is the spawn of Satan.” I want to hug Winston.

Meanwhile, Nick is discovering things about the inside of pumpkins and loudly pondering the science of love. It’s not a good look for him. I want to hug Nick.

Anyway, Jess ends up not getting in trouble with Tonya. Instead, Tonya congratulates Jess on finally becoming a kid-hater. Jess accepts this and goes back to her classroom and tells Rihanna that she has to respect her teacher (well, she doesn’t actually say that. She says that she should just respect her because it’s the right thing to do.) and then forces her to sing a duet while the other kids record it and put in on the Interwebs.

Then Jess buys Nick a real plant. Hopefully he will grow it and nurture it and love it and it will bloom, just like their love. (Yes, I did just write that. Don’t even think about making fun of it.)

THE QUOTES I LIKED.

• “Did you have a sexual guest?”—Jess to Schmidt
• “I just want to banter with you guys in the morning, I panicked, and I made a Hitler joke, I”m sorry.”—Jess
• “Julia sent me a cactus. . . I’m not an idiot. She’s gonna break up with me.”—Nick
• “Sixth grade girls literally scalp each other.”—Jess
• “Did you get my . . . junk mail?”—Schmidt to Cece
• “I’m gonna live up there someday.”—Winston to Jess, about the crescent moon.
• “Julia dumped me, so, sad face.”—Nick
• “Hey guys. You wanna watch The Piano?”—Nick, said very brightly to Winston and Jess

What my nightmares are made of.

What up, gang? Christina here. Looks like it’s my turn to helm the ol’ ship Hatecap. You know how it is. The pure loathing that this show inspires can’t and shouldn’t be left to just one person (it causes ulcers), so I bravely, and selfishly, volunteered for last night’s episode because it’s been a while since I unleashed my TV rage and mama needs an outlet. The title of this recap came from a line that enraged me so much for so many reasons, but I think it’s a very accurate description of this episode. Because it wasn’t fun at all. That’s an hour of my life I will never get back.

I’m not going to go through everything that happened in the episode because, quite frankly, by the time I started writing this, my general confusion and ire had waned, and I knew I was going to work myself up as I went through the points I wanted to make, so I figured I’d spare myself you. But before I go on to talk about how utterly predictable and ridiculous the entire fucking episode was, I need to give y’all a little background on my Glee watching. I was convinced to watch last season by a friend (Hi, @cinjudes!). I enjoyed some episodes, but against better judgment I was “trying to make sense” of a nonsensical show and nearly had an aneurysm. I saw the error of my ways, realized my deep hatred of The Murph, and vowed never to watch another single minute of the show ever, ever again. Seriously, my hate of Saint Ryan Murphy is so much that I automatically hated American Horror Story on principle, but that show is such a shitstorm of cray and embraces it that it’s actually kind of genius. But I still hate Ryan Murphy. With a fiery passion. Here’s why:

It’s episodes like this where I can really feel his influence because it was just SO heavy-handed I felt like I was being smothered. In the first twenty minutes when Karofsky was convinced that it didn’t get better and tried to off himself, I thought “dear lord what have I done volunteering to hatecap this episode? I’m just going to look like a GIANT ASSHOLE.” I don’t have a problem with their tackling a tough subject like this, which does deserve attention, but I knew if I just waited, this show would fuck it up all on its own. And sure enough, before long, it did what it does best and totally forgot about it once it was out of the way. But more than that, before it was forgotten it was a TOTAL B.F.D.

First of all, the whole thing just felt like a poorly written, student-produced PSA that you were forced to watch because of a random middle-of-the-day assembly at school. It didn’t make me feel bad for the guy because I was distracted by the fact that I’m not an idiot and I can tell when I’m being preached at. Then I feel like the writers were like, “you know what? We haven’t made our audience feel quite as uncomfortable or shitty as they should because we’re in a big scary world with people who are assholes AND WE HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO REMIND THEM OF THAT. We should shove this whole topical story line right down their throats for twenty minutes. Gee, I hope we get nominated for an Emmy for this!” I mean, fuck. There was a prayer circle, typical Quinn making everything about her and the fact that she had a baby and it was so hard even though people (including her) only seem to remember she had the baby when it’s convenient, everyone feeling guilty about everything, and goddamn Schue forcing the Irish kid to eat peanut butter (what if he had been allergic?!) before turning everything back to him and his brush with death. I swear to god, those boys dangling Tai over the railing at the mall was a closer brush with death than what Schue described. Oh, and what the fuck ever, don’t forget about the most painful teacher conference ever where they all blame themselves and self-righteously try to make the viewers feel something. This is like Sue’s sister’s death all over again.

Let me take a quick tangent here. Can someone please explain to me how this show keeps winning Emmys? I mean, is this supposed to be groundbreaking television? Why? Because it had, like, 6 gay characters on screen in a single episode? Because, um, does Queer as Folk or even Six Feet Under sound familiar to anyone? Oh, but it isn’t cable, is that it? Or is it because they touch on topics that are controversial and timely? Because South Park does that too, and not only do they produce an episode in six days, they don’t even pretend to have a semblance of continuity! And don’t you even try to talk to me about South Park being offensive. The Glee writer’s holier-than-though attitude about EVERYTHING offends me. I’m sorry, but I cannot stand when a TV show talks down to its audience like we’re not capable of understanding the things we see on the news. I cannot. And I’m so disgusted with the Academy for falling prey to the idea that viewers need to be preached to. Does no one else find this peculiar? I cannot be alone here.

But back to it. So everyone, even that dick Sebastian is determined to make Regionals all about Karofsky. Because that’s what he would have wanted, right? The kid was just outted and ridiculed by an entire school to his face and on Facebook. So, yeah, let’s call more attention to his pain. But whatever. So the Warblers do their thing (don’t even get me started on the way this fucking show takes songs and interprets them on the most superficial level ever and then applies them liberally) and remind people to donate to the Whatever Fund. And that’s it. Shut up, everyone, it’s time for Rachel to sing, and for her and Finn to run off and get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 What else was this episode about? Who cares! THEY WON REGIONALS AND WEDDING AT TOWN HALL!

Now, I will say that the one saving grace here was that Kurt, who has more reason to hate Karofsky than anyone, managed to remember him in the midst of the Nude Erections (not surprisingly AT ALL) winning Regionals. Kurt goes to visit, and gives him, honestly, one of the most effective “look what you have to live for” speeches, and it was actually shot really well. I was really impressed, and the ice surrounding my heart quivered for a fraction of a second, and had to make sure that I was watching the same show. SO much more effective than Schue’s Carpe Peanut Butter spiel. What a piece of shit he is.

But back to the Regionals and the Warblers’ first song. It was a cover of Lenny Kravitz’ “Stand,” and oh my fucking god. If that was not the most transparent musical selection in the history of this whole goddamn show, then I don’t know a taint from a twat. The funny thing is, it was SO FUCKING BORING, and yet, here the writers go trying to make us feel feelings and shit by making every single member of the Regionals audience stand up and be united in their hate of bigots. Well, if that’s all it takes to express my outrage and digust, show, I’m standing up in defiance of bullies like you right now. And Karofsky tried to kill himself, what? Like a day or two before the Regionals? And they were able to rehearse this transparent song along with their little shuffle in time? Oh, right, I forgot this is Glee and things like realistic timelines and basic human decency are checked at the door.

Ridiculous moment aside, the song sucked. Their second song (“Glad You Came” by some group called The Wanted?) sucked too. The Nude Erections first song was just weird, and made me feel uncomfortable for reasons I obviously didn’t feel like taking notes on. The second song, the Kelly Clarkson cover wasn’t too bad actually, if only because it featured Santana and Mercedes, who are the only tough bitches in the entire troupe. Speaking of, I don’t know if you noticed (I sure didn’t, but I had two different people point it out to me), but there were two random girls just sort of hanging out, performing with the Nude Erections like they belonged there. This is my theory:  if my two sleuthy friends (@mollytheghost and @cinjudes) had had their heads up Rachel/Quinn/Finn/Kurt/insert self-righteous charcter’s name here’s ass like God the writers intended, they wouldn’t have noticed. You fucking think-for-yourselfers.

Let’s see, what else haven’t I hated on? Let’s go with Sue. As recaps past have mentioned, Sue is preggers. So, for some misbegotten reason, she calls Quinn into her office… to ask for advice about morning sickness? I actually wasn’t too clear on this, and there is no WAY I’m watching again. But, seriously, Sue? Is Quinn the only pregnant person you have ever met? Like, are you such a terrible, horrible person that there aren’t even any women your own age that you can ask about pregnancy? Or, I don’t know, read a goddamn book? I’d really like to know who the father is too. I’m wondering if maybe it’s Sue too since she’s her own freaking spouse anyway. And if Beiste can afford Magic Legs (where are those things??) on a coach’s salary, surely Sue can afford Egg-Into-Sperm experiments on hers, right?

One last thing, then I’ll leave you with something positive (I know, right?!). Quinn’s accident. I saw this coming a fucking mile away. As soon as she checked her lip gloss in the mirror, I knew it. I called this shit, and I wear my #douchebadge proudly. How fucking predictable. And this being the winter finale, of course this is the cliffhanger. I don’t have much else to say except that I hope she dies, but it would have been better if it had been Finn. God, I hate him and his beady little eyes.

Be sure to catch "A Very Special Episode #3,576" when Glee returns!

Okay, last up was the whole Finchel Wedding at the Court House story line. SB has already talked about how wrong it is that these two are rushing into this the marriage because they just love each other so much and they don’t want to wait. When they announced that they couldn’t wait anymore and were going to have the wedding after Regionals (with light refreshments!), all I could think was, JEFF GOLDBLUM IF YOU INSIST ON BEING ON THIS SHOW AS RACHEL’S DAD THEN DO YOUR G-D JOB. I was originally outraged that the parents were even letting something as ridiculous as this happen, but once they were actually at the court house, DaddyBerry #1 and Burt at least had the sense that this SHOULD. NOT. BE. HAPPENING. Finn’s mom’s behind the decision, though. Her logic, of course, was that if they didn’t let them get married they’d just elope anyway. Finn’s mom’s the kind of parent who would let her kid throw a party at her house and say “well, if I didn’t let them have unprotected sex on my bed, they’d just go have it somewhere else.” Besides the ridiculousness of the parents, this actually turned out to be the absolute best part of the entire episode for one reason alone. Jeff Goldblum.

Between his explaining that Babs would be no help in deterring Rachel due to her shopping in her private underground mall, his explaining how Leroy (DaddyBerry #2) would be driving the getaway car because he doesn’t drive, and his explaining that he would be faking an epileptic fit seeing as he doesn’t actually have epilepsy, I’m pretty well convinced that Jeff Goldblum is The Best. In case you need any more convincing, here’s this:

Random Thoughts/Left Over Hate From My Notes

• Why, god, why is Rachel cry-singing a third song?
• Dear Schue, you are the Schuesterwurst. Why were we subjected to reaction shots of him thumping his chest while the kids were singing? Really? God, I mean, if my eyes weren’t already on the floor from rolling them too hard, they’d be there now.
• Rachel called Sebastian’s blackmail and act of terrorism. THAT’s what made my eyes roll out of my head in the first place.
• You guys don’t even understand how much I wanted to strangle Sebastian for saying “It’s all fun and games until it’s not.” Well, no shit. It enraged me far more than it probably should have.
• I hate the shots of Sue’s heart growing three sizes.
• Speaking of Sue, she congratulates Schue on the win and then says she thinks she wants to help them win Nationals. And that she doesn’t think there’s a catch. Are you freaking kidding me? I can’t even get into her 180s. We’ve talked about them enough in our hatecaps.
• During the Warbler’s cover of “Stand,” did anyone else think about how awkward it would have been if the Nude Erections, ft.Artie sang this song? I’ll see y’all in hell.

So, what did you think? I want to know what outraged you the most. Which scene was the most predictable? Was it the Nude Erections winning Regionals, Karofsky’s suicide attempt, Quinn’s accident? If not Quinn, who do you wish got sideswiped by the truck? I want to hear ALL your opinions right down there in the comment section. Remember, comments are a blogger’s main source of energy intake and I’m feeling a little faint. Must be the hormones.

Ducky “Tighten Up”–Why is one name a thing now? Ducky has a mustache that he thinks is cool, but is really awful. No one turns around, but of course they regret it. Blake asks about the stache and whether it was a nod to Doc Holliday in Tombstone. Ducky says maybe, but he could really use a shot of sasparilla. Apparently that is the exact thing Blake has in his cup. Blake offers sassy ‘stache a drink and he takes one.

Jonathas “U Got it Bad”–Love the Usher, but again with the one name! Adam is convinced he’s black because he sounds just like Usher. It’s a wonder he didn’t yell out “He’s not black!” Cee Lo thought the producers were playing a trick on them and that he would turn around and see Usher. They compare watches, was that a really expensive watch? I didn’t think people still wore watches. Cee Lo and Christina turn around but there is only one that gave him a chubby in 5th grade. TEAM CHRISTINA

Monique Benabou “Mr. Know It All”–Monique is a pretty good singer even if no one is turning around. Finally Blake tells Christina “You could do something with her.” Christina turns and is the only one. TEAM CHRISTINA

Naia Kete ”The Lazy Song”– Naia gets the Carson sneak attack. She’s sounds a bit like Dia so it’s no surprise Blake turns around immediately. Cee Lo also pushes his button. Cee Lo gets the tables turned on him and she overtly flirts first. Christina sees the Dia-ness too. Cee Lo sees her voice as soothing and Blake sees it as exciting. So how does she see herself? TEAM BLAKE Cee Lo didn’t say the right things because she was originally going to go with Cee Lo.

Erick Macek “Free Fallin”–He’s a good singer but doesn’t have the X Factor, oh wait, wrong show. No one turns around. He’s all crushed. Sad face.

Charlotte Sometimes–”Apologize”–The girl has a desinigrating jaw. Um…yikes! She starts out a bit weird. She has a really unique voice. It’s one of those that I’m not quite sure I like or not. All four coaches turn around. Blake once again compares her to one of his former artists. Blake fights a bit dirty against the others and knows what to say to gently undermine everyone else. TEAM BLAKE

Tony Vincent “We Are The Champions”– Right away I could tell he had great bone structure and would make an excellent drag queen. Try and tell me I’m wrong. Tony has a long list of famous people he knows and Broadway shows he’s stared in. Big deal if you ask me. As he was singing I saw Voldemort and couldn’t unsee it. Especially when he was squeezing his eyes shut. For touring with Queen he really isn’t that great. Cee Lo likes his voice and is the only one to turn around. They really are the perfect pair. TEAM CEE LO

Anthony Evans “What’s Going On”–He’s the son of a preacher man and wants to be a Christian artist. Good for him. Cee Lo almost turns around but stops from hitting his button. Just before the song ends Christina actually turns around. She says the runs were the reason she liked him. Nasty girl, that Christina. TEAM CHRISTINA

Dear God they have to know these “surprise” tickets just don’t work. No one is ever surprised and it’s just not entertaining.

Jamie Lono “Folsom Prison Blues”–Before he can finish the first phrase Adam pushes his button. I really loved his version of the song. He also has a really good voice. I could do without the half a lung down sob story. Adam calls him soulful. Cee Lo admires his artistic style. Jaime must like his answer because he goes TEAM CEE LO. I think he could be one of Cee Lo’s best.

Dylan Chambers “Valerie”–Little Dylan seems to have been watching a lot of Glee because he does a jazz hands version of Valerie. The coaches are having none of it.

Parade of Losers:

Nathan Anderson “Walking in Memphis”

Luna Searles “Come to My Window”

Adam Lasher “How You Remind Me”

Justin Hopkins “Babylon”–Another Carson connected artist. Justin played guitar for Carson’s on at 2am, no one watches, show. Adam almost pushes his button after the first two words. Justin seemed to be holding back. It was a bit weird. I didn’t think anyone was going to turn, but Cee Lo pushes his button. He thinks he can mentor Justin into a good singer. TEAM CEE LO

Nicolle Galyon “You Saved Me”–Oh, a Kansas girl. It seems she picked up a bit of a southern accent while trying to make it in Nashville, though. We don’t sound like that. I really want her to do well. She wants to be the first country girl to play piano. I respect that. She’s a pretty girl with a decent voice. Adam is, surprisingly to me, the only one to turn. He calls her special, aww! TEAM BLAKE

Parade of Winners:

Ashley De La Rosa “Shark In the Water” TEAM CHRISTINA

Jordan Rager “Chicken Fried” TEAM BLAKE

Karla Davis “If I Die Young” TEAM ADAM

ALyX “Just Like a Pill” TEAM BLAKE

Eric Tipton “You Make My Dreams”–Eric’s fat so everyone judges him before he even opens his mouth. This show gives him the opportunity to be judged on his voice alone. Unfortunately he doesn’t do enough to get the coaches to turn around.

Mathai “Rumour Has It”–She’s the girl from the traditional family that is defying all to pursue her dream. She has a very different tone that Blake and Adam fawn over. Christina liked that she had a different take on an Adele song. Only the boys pushed their buttons and she goes to last years winners. TEAM ADAM Blake is really disappointed.

Coach-isms

She’s got package on her mind. –Cee Lo

You’re not the boss of me. –Adam

She basically just admitted she doesn’t like your music. I like Cee Lo’s music but I’ll go with Blake –Adam

You guys should get a room. You can use my place. –Cee Lo

Best female vocalist of our generation….really Blake?

Never touch another man’s button. –Blake

We should hook up because, you know, I eat sandwiches.–Cee Lo

For those keeping track at home:

TEAM CHRISTINA 10 of 12: Chris Mann, Jesse Campbell, The Line, Lindsey Pavao, Moses Stone, Geoff McBride, Anthony Evans, Ashley De La Rosa, Jonathas, Monique Benabou

TEAM BLAKE 10 of 12: Raelynn, Gwen Sebastian, Jermaine Paul, Brian Fuente, Erin Willett, Jordis, ALyX, Charlotte Sometimes, Jordan Rager, Naia Kete

TEAM CEE LO 9 of 12: Juliet Simms, Jamar Rogers, Angie Johnson, Erin Martin, James Massone, Sarah Golden, Jamie Lono, Justin Hopkins, Tony Vincent

TEAM ADAM 7 of 12: Tony Lucca, Kim Yarbrough, Angel Taylor, Chris Cauley, Katrina Parker, Nathan Parrett, Pip, Karla Davis, Mathai, Nicolle Galyon

 Did Blake drink from that cup again? Will Cee Lo ever stop petting that white pussy? Weigh in in the COMMENTS!

Okay you guys, this video from The Night That Allie Died has the potential to become the most hilarious clown-car of a clue ever.  As annoyed as we all are at how the reveal of A is being dragged out, I would sort of love it if every week a new person was revealed walking through Allie’s bedroom door, like Noel Kahn, Mona, Ezra, Byron & Ella, Maya and so on, until there are like 35 people standing around talking about how much they want to kill Allie.  Think of all the gasping!  Nobody reacts to shocking video reveals like the Liars of Rosewood:

But on a serious note, why can Caleb only decode five seconds of it at a time?  Like, once you’re in the decoding zone, can’t you just kind of focus and get the whole GD file done at once?  He doesn’t seem to be going to school right now, so maybe he should just do it.  It’s kind of important.  A lot sort of almost kind of happened again this week, so lets break it down by Liar:

Aria:

Aria split her time between getting info from the dude who promised to track down A for Vivian Darkbloom, falling off a porch, and breaking up with Ezra (only to seemingly be back with him hours later).  Oh, and she wore a pair of leggings that made her look like she was dressed like a fashion-forward youth on one side and a Real Housewife of New Jersey on the other.

The most interesting thing was the Ezra non-breakup, so lets discuss: what was up with that? Ezra went and interviewed for that New Orleans job and seemed taken with it, so he decided to end things with his teenage non-lover.  Aria cried.  Ezra was all like ‘whatevs’.  Now, y’all know I’m looking for any indication that Ezra is evil, so I probably read too much into his reaction, but he really didn’t seem to give the smallest shit that he was dumping Aria, did he?  But then later, they were sitting in his apartment eating an awkward dinner together (why?) when Ella showed up to get an understanding as to what their relationship actually was (paper bag masks, no sex, illegal and boring – does that about cover it?), because she wants to try to ‘get’ them before Aria just up and runs away with him.

Ella showed Aria the letter from A to Byron, connected it to the one telling her about Byron’s affair, and just like that Ella is now on A’s case! But while Ella is sweet, she doesn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the shed (she DID give birth to Aria don’t forget), so I don’t know how much good this will do until she eventually partners up with Ashley, who is much sharper and ballsier, as we will discuss soon enough.

Emily:

As predicted, and not a moment too soon, Paige is back!  She’s back, and she’s adorable, and she’s out to her parents, and she still really likes Em.  And all of this is happening while Maya is busy being a cunting fuck puppet and refusing to talk to Emily who did the unthinkable by daring to refuse Maya’s offer to run away to San Francisco with no money and no prospects. Paige is streets ahead of Maya after only one episode back – Maya’s so not going to be happy about this development.

Of course, another explanation for Maya being MIA is something that I kept thinking to myself jokingly throughout the episode: Paige obviously killed her so that she could have Em all to herself.  But then the cops showed up at the end of the hour wanting to question Emily about Maya and now it all just seems too real.  Although, if Paige actually did it, who could blame her?  She just did what we’ve all wanted to do for a while now anyway.  And then this led me to wonder if Paige didn’t just off Allie too, since she and Em had their whole Sapphic-in-secret thing going on before she died. Paige as a lesbian serial killer would be pretty awesome, but I’m mostly joking, and I feel like she’s been too background to end up being directly involved in the A/murder business.

My actual theory about Maya is either that she’s missing (ran away) or she offed herself, because she’s such a goddamn drama queen that she would totally do that, and leave a note blaming the fact that she was headed back to True North and that Emily wouldn’t run away with her – couldn’t you totally see her killing herself just to ensure that Emily would feel guilty about it for the rest of her life?  I could.

Theory number two: she was arrested for impersonating a high school student.  Because she’s 32. YEARS OLD. You hear of that happening in real life every few years – some 20 or 30-something registers for school only to be found out as a pervy adult after a few months.  As hilarious as this would be, I’m sticking with my first theory for now.

Hanna:

Hanna spent most of her time with Mona, the possible newest inductee to the Liars of Rosewood, who has been A’s main target for the past few days.  She’s getting texts, post-its, and ultimatums, all related to Hanna and their joint past in retail thievery.  OR DID SHE?  I really like Mona, so a big part of me wants to believe all of this and have her join the group permanently, but I’m at least 50% skeptical that she’s orchestrating everything herself in order to get closer to the group and gain everyone’s trust.  She could definitely have someone text her at opportune times, or leave notes on her own apple at school – it’s not hard.

But one of the best parts of this whole arc was that Ashley found the police report that Mona apparently got from A, complete with A’s note attached.  So now she’s aware of A, and also, she immediately marched over to Det. Wilden and demanded that he stop fucking with her daughter’s head.  Ashley Marin for the win! I love when people on this show are direct.  Of course he hadn’t been the one to provide the file, because it makes him look just as bad (or worse, given that he’s the cop and should know better).  Obviously, we’re meant to assume that Garrett found the file and sent it to Mona, but who knows?

The important thing is, both Ella and Ashley are now aware of A and will no doubt work together to find out what the fuck is happening.  However, if the parents end up cracking the A code, it’ll just seem even more ridic that nobody thought to tell them earlier.  But, since this is an ABC Family show where parents are second class citizens (or weeping poets), I’m sure this won’t be the case.

The biggest clue to come from Hanna’s world was the letter that the girls stole from the law firm, which was spied by Ashley who informed Hanna that Melissa used to work there.  Which brings us to…

Spencer:

Okay, so evil or no, I am officially down with Wren as a character on this show.  HOLY BANANAS he is hot.  And of course they did that thing where the girl gets drunk and throws herself at the guy who does the right thing and declines, just to make us love him even more.  Which, by the way, when did standards get so low that the simple act of not taking advantage of someone became a sign of a true gentleman?  To paraphrase Cher Horowitz, a guy declines to date rape a drunk girl and we’re expected to swoon?  I don’t think so!

But whatever, I’m totally swooning because pretty smile and sexy accent and pretty smile…sorry I just zoned out.  Spencer’s into it too:

But Spencer’s arc was the most exciting of the night not only for the ample Wren screen time, but also for the serious amount of info we got about Melissa who is back after what seems like two years, but she’s only about four or five months pregnant, so it obviously hasn’t been that long.  She pretended not to know that Jason was their half-brother (I’m guessing she already knew because she was involved with every shady character including Jason back in the day, and she didn’t even mention the fact that she once made out with him, which would obviously be your first thought about someone who turned out to be your BROTHER.  She was way too calm for that to be the first time she heard the news, you know?).

And then there was the Garrett connection.  Garrett is still creepy as fuck, following the girls around all over town (is he still working? Did he take a leave of absence?).  Also, he is either the worst at being inconspicuous, or he’s the worst at trying to look intimidating:

Wishes he was Dean Winchester soooo badly.

Then Melissa ditched Spencer last minute to get in his car, right after a mysterious someone watched the girls watching Melissa on the latest version of The Video.  Not to mention that we now know that Melissa worked at the firm where the text messages from A were sent (back when the texts were directed at Allie).  We also learned that Garrett accompanied Melissa to her OBGYN appointment at least once.  What does it all mean?

Melissa has long been a suspect, but I don’t think her connection to Garrett was ever so spelled out before, right?  But as for what it means is anyone’s guess.  See?  It felt like a lot happened, but we really don’t know much more that we did last week.  I’m so ready for the cockteasing to end with the season finale – until the question of who killed Allie becomes the focus, anyway.

Oh, I amost forgot the most hilarious moment of the night, when Aria and Spencer went to meet phone-signal-cracking dude, and this happened:

So, as usual the promos for next week are below (father/daughter dance! Prepare for much weeping poet dad).  In the meantime though, you must have new theories – lets talk about them!  Also, feel free to spend between 50-100% of your comment on Wren lust because it’s totally understandable.  I had to restrain myself from just posting 50 screencaps of his face with exclamation points as captions instead of writing a proper recap.  You’re welcome?

US Promo:

Canadian Promo:

Alright… I’m fighting exhaustion, so let’s get down to it!

I love that I get to start off  most of these posts with Hart of Dixie. The show makes me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then there is Wade. Oh, Wade. I do love you and your adorable plaid.

You might need to take your shirt off to clean that up there, honey. I’d be happy to help you.

Last week’s episode was really all about Lemon and Wade super fun shenanigans. I approve of this kind of Lemonade (yes, I cringed even typing that) friendship.

Once again, Wade says what we’ve all been thinking.

More Kyle Schmid on Being Human! Shirtless with suspenders holding up your open pants? Why aren’t there more magical gifs of this happiness?

Being completely ignorant of show casting is the best way to enjoy these shows.

A little bonus Alex O’Loughlin looking dapper as hell from Hawaii Five-0. They haven’t gotten him shirtless nearly enough this season, but the suit is welcome!

Stupid Jason Stackhouse joined New Girl last week to make out with Jess and talk endlessly about tacos. Okay, his name was actually Oliver, but he was essentially the same character.

You’ve got that right, Jess! So pretty. Just don’t talk.

Nick and the cock fight? Hilarious. I need more of this off-the-rails-depressed Nick.

Lisa and her family have some of the funniest scenes on Suburgatory each week.

Crazy Tyler made his way back to the Hamptons with a plan. Is it a foolproof plan? Uh, no. He’s crazy.

Jack’s goodbye scene was pretty darn sad, even though we all knew he wasn’t actually leaving. Anytime Jack and Emanda are together I feel this heaviness in my chest. But yay for more Nolan and Jack bromance.

Hmmm… What was up with this little nod?

This past week’s Happy Endings was all about James Wolk and his grop-able hairy chest. You go, Jane!

I’m pretty sure gifs were invented just so we could watch a man take his shirt off on a loop.

Oh, hi. You’re adorable.

Oh, and the episode was hilarious as always. Jane + Brad = OTP 4EVA.

Perfect use of Alex!

Just a little Parks and Rec action, because I love Ben.

I love when TVD goes snarky. Add my favorite HoYay! couple and I’m a happy girl.

Ugh, the way they look at each other.

Yes, more bad boy Damon, please!

Don’t leave me, Elijah!

Demons, serial killers and Lucifer! Fantastic throw back episode of Supernatural last week. Mark Pellegrino absolutely murdered it. He’s SO GOOD as Luci.

 This still freaks me the fuck out.

This post wouldn’t be complete without a few Jensen Ackles face appreciation gifs. All I see in the fist one is LIPS!

What were your favorite moments of the past week? Did I miss something? This is highly possible, so hit up the comments and let me know. I love hearing from all of you! Don’t forget to check the show recaps here at OCTV. A lot of the recappers are using gifs to enhance their posts and I try not to double up on those. Please remember, your comments make this all worth while.

Quick little edit…

BY POPULAR DEMAND. Elijah dropping the F-bomb.

Man, I think I’m actually a little in love with this show.  (At least as a viewer; as a recapper, it can be a little crazy-making with all of the scene cuts and the jumping around from plot point to plot point, but I’m just going to break it down by character arcs instead of going chronologically.  We’ll all be much happier that way, trust me.)  And I mean, I’m not ready to go exclusive, or move in or start picking out China patterns or anything, but I am telling my friends about the and maybe drawing a puffy heart or two around its name in my Trapper Keeper.  Which is a pleasant surprise, since I was expecting at most a dirty, guilty pleasure.

Speaking of dirty, guilty pleasures, we open the episode with Director D-bag and Ivy going at it in bed.  He barely has time to slide out of her before he’s talking about work, and you can see that this was maybe not Ivy’s ideal pillow-talk.  She suggests that maybe the two of them can get together so she can just work on Marilyn.  Director D-bag counters that he thought that’s what they were just doing.  And I totally want to call him out on that and be all offended on her behalf and talk about how he’s so keeping the D-bag nickname, but given the very Marilyn-esque “O” sounds that were just coming out of Ivy’s mouth, and given the fact that she’s been on the scene for long enough to know that sleeping with the director is probably not the best idea in the grand scheme of things, I’m gonna go ahead and give him a pass on that one comment.  Not on everything in this episode, but on that one comment.  Cool?

Ivy’s friends, when she tells them later that she worries that she only got the part because she was sleeping with the director, agree with me and are basically all, “Yeah, but so?  It’s a part!”  When Director D-bag goes three days without calling her, it does nothing to allay her fears, but he does show up backstage at Heaven On Earth to throw her a bone (euphemism!) in the dressing room, and she gladly goes along for the ride (another euphemism!), so I really hope the show is not going to try and spin some “Poor Ivy!” sob story on me over this, because bitch, please.  At any rate, she’s not done fishing for hollow assurances; after spending another night at Ivy’s place, she asks Director D-bag why they never go to his place.

Now, I didn’t get the impression from anything that’s come before that there is a Mrs. Director D-bag, or even a live-in love interest.  No one has made any comment about him being attached, and he invited Karen over to his place for a midnight booty call with no hesitation.  So I’m not sure why he suddenly feels the need to invent this elaborate story about the downstairs neighbors ordering a huge stove and somehow breaking the gas line, which for some reason is causing his kitchen to be a mess, but that’s the shit that he’s shoveling here, and Ivy looks more than willing to co-sign that hot mess, so… you guys, I just don’t know.

Eileen has climbed the bullshit mountain and come down the other side of it, and she is currently in possession of the consignment slips for her jewelry to prove it.  Having your ass(ets) in escrow is a bitch!  She does spy a pair of earrings on the counter that were copied from a pair that Marilyn wore in one of her movies, and she splurges on those for herself.  Which… seems a little counterproductive to the whole hocking her jewelry for cash thing, but whatever.  Jerry sees her wearing these earrings when he runs into her and Director D-bag having dinner, where he tries to lure Director D-bag back to My Fair Lady.  Eileen once again tosses her drink in his face.  ”I don’t know why that keeps happening.”  Hee!

The other thing that keeps happening with Eileen?  The financiers that she is courting all expect/assume that Jerry will be involved in this Marilyn project, and none of them are interested in talking about the business end of things with her, which tells us that her soon-to-be ex-husband isn’t the only one who perceives Eileen as having no hand in the financial side of the theater industry.  Jerry goes so far as to Bogart a business dinner that Eileen had arranged with “Manny” so he can have dinner with her instead.  He leads with a pair of ginormous diamond earrings and a Manhattan, “for throwing.”  Jerry assures Eileen that he has already talked to Manny and that Manny is on board, so she really doesn’t need to worry her little head about it.  It’s pretty clear that Jerry is angling for a piece of the projected payday this Marilyn project is going to bring in.  Eileen ain’t having any of it:  she spurns the earrings, saying he only gave them to her because he saw the others and assumes someone gave them to her.  She assures him that she bought them herself, and that she will make Marilyn happen by herself too, thankyouverymuch.  Tossing the Manhattan on him is merely an afterthought.

Karen meets with Director D-bag at a restaurant bar.  He has called her there to offer her a part in the ensemble.  She is very polite and politically correct about it, which Director D-bag calls her on.  ”What should I do, get pissed?”  He says yes, that’s the normal reaction.  He goes on to explain that a project like this will take five years to get to the stage (like, really?  Jeebus, no wonder a Broadway production cost so much to produce!), and that “a lot can happen in five years.”  Dev appears and plants a big kiss on Karen before Director D-Bag can get any skeevier, and the two men have a dick-measuring contest, British-style:  ”South London?”  ”Very good.”  ”I could hear it in the O’s.”  ”Oh, this game?” “Oxford?” “The other one.”  and so on.  This is SO much classier than the usual American dick-measuring.  The Brits just do everything so much better.  Plus, accents!

ANYway, Karen is making the best of the ensemble situation, citing what a good opportunity it is, etc.  Her fellow waitress, who has heard it all before, dubs it “one of those.”  Meaning, a workshop that only pays $200 a week, makes her miss work shifts, and may amount to absolutely nothing in the end.  Karen does worry a little about money, and thinks about cancelling her trip back to Iowa for her best friend’s karaoke bar baby shower, but Dev assures her he can cover the expenses.  Karen is uncomfortable about him doing that, not sure if she’s ready to “go there” yet.  She expresses similar misgivings to her gal-pals at the baby shower, but they’re all for her sucking her boyfriend dry and setting women’s lib back a few generations.  Their choice of “Redneck Woman” for her karaoke song is not a huge shocker, is what I’m saying.  Sponging off of menfolk is okay when the “men” part is your Dad, though; Karen’s father hands her a check before she leaves for the airport, letting on that he sneaked into the baby shower to hear her sing.  He can’t not support her.  Aww…  Dads are the best, you guys.  *wibble*  Miss you, Dad.

Back in the city, Tom is wigging out because dancer John has let slip during a lunch date that Ivy is sleeping with Director D-Bag.  Tom sees that as irrefutable proof of his D-Bag status, but Julia is inclined to dismiss it, saying that these show biz flings happen all the time.   Julia herself is wigging out hardcore because a certain Michael Swift’s agent has allowed as how Michael would be available if they wanted to offer him the part of DiMaggio.  Eileen and Director D-Bag go to see Swift in the Bruno Mars show he is doing.  I will admit that I don’t know anything about Bruno Mars, but this show that Swift is in involves him singing Mars’ “Grenade” while dressed as a tattooed, bedenimed dude and dancing with an afro’d woman in a glittery dress, so…  Um…  WTF?  Eileen and Director D-bag seem all impressed and shit, but…  I don’t know.  This guy just looked uncomfortable to me, and I’m not sure if it was an acting choice on the part of Will Chase, like he was playing Swift as being uncomfortable, which really doesn’t make sense in this context, or if it was some discomfort on the part of Will himself…  I dunno.  This did not work for me.  At all.

Michael Swift IS uncomfortable with the thought of signing onto the Marilyn workshop, given that the pay is crap, but his wife is really pushing him to take the part even as he argues that they’ve been irresponsible and he doesn’t want to be irresponsible anymore, because he wants to provide for his family.  So Swift goes over to Eileen’s office to officially accept the part and runs into Julia, who is dropping off an outline.  It’s pretty clear that the two have an, um, intense history, which she confesses to Tom.  She tries to pass the affair off as one of those things where you get all excited and starry eyed when someone is terrific in a role you created or some such, but it certainly looked like there was more between them in those brief moments they shared at Eileen’s office.  Drama!

Finally, Ellis overhears Julia’s little confession.  Ellis has been very busy this episode being a complete and utter cock-weasel, starting with a conversation amongst friends wherein they suggest he should get paid for having the idea for Marilyn in the first place.  Also, because he IS, in fact, a cock-weasel, Ellis will henceforth be known as CW ’round these parts.  The idea obviously takes root, and CW steals Julia’s notebook so he can read what she’s working on for ideas.  He follows up his petty theft by mouthing off at Julia when she tries to ask him to leave during an argument with Tom.  CW points out that he works for Tom, not her (which, valid), so she can’t order him to leave.  Julia counters that she fired him once, she can do it again.  CW tells her that it didn’t stick before, so she’s not likely to have much more luck the second time around.  So given all of this, and the fact that CW overhears that salacious little detail… *sniff* sniff*  Do you smell that?  Smells like blackmail to me!  Oh!  And did you know that CW is apparently straight and has a girlfriend?  I totally didn’t call that.  I bet Tom didn’t either.

We close the show with Ivy and Michael singing the Marilyn/DiMaggio number “Mr. & Mrs. Smith.”  Marilyn and Joe are spies!!  They run through the house shooting at each other while singing show tunes — well, not actually.  They sing about wanting a normal life, a little house where there are no phone calls from agents and where no one knows them and all that jazz.  As is customary, the scene flits back and forth between the rehearsal and what the finished product might look like, with a bonus shot of Julia at home with Frank and Leo tossed in for good measure.

And, scene.  What did you all think?  Is the series moving in the right direction?  Is the pacing a little too frenetic cutting between ALL of these characters?  Is Ivy being unbelievably naive here?  Did we really need to see Michael Swift’s family and home life yet?  How long is CW going to be there before Julia calls him on his bullshit and tattles to Tom?  Sing out!

And in case you didn’t know, parents are still boring and parents talking about sex is still gross.  I think this is why the CW pretends they don’t exist.  Also … why wasn’t Zoe more pissed about her room being turned into a parental sex dungeon?  I mean, SERIOUSLY.

Anyway.  Best part of the episode?  Wade wearing a t-shirt over a long-sleeved tee.  I always approve of this look on boys.  Second best part?  Lavon’s dad is a ghostbuster.  Ummm, fucking OF COURSE he is.  I also got a kick out of Wade acting like it was his parents who were getting divorced, and Lavon’s dad comforting him with two birthdays, two Christmases.  Other than that …

The big “event” was that the town was having a snow day, which of course they think is bad luck or a curse or something.  My theory on the matter, having lived in both the north and the south, is that southern people just don’t know how to deal with it and so they do dumb things.  And really, everything that happened in this episode can be explained by that, right down to George’s battery dying.  Why didn’t anyone point that out?  And also, as a northerner, Zoe really should’ve known better than high heels on snow.  I forgive her stupid formal shorts, but I cannot forgive that.  If anyone should’ve been concussed, it was her.  And you know what else?  I’m the clumsiest person alive, and it would SHOCK you to know how regularly I fall over, particularly in snow, and I have never, EVER fallen like that, all ass and feet in the air.  And I’ve fallen a lot of ways–flat on my ass, onto my knees, head first, slipping, tripping, and most impressively, into the splits–so I think that if it could be done, I would’ve managed.  (And yeah … I guess THAT is the point where I decided I couldn’t suspend my disbelief.)

Anyway, between the snow and the curse, the following wacky hijinks and absurdity ensued: Didi showed up in curlers, Zoe had to go to Tom’s to use dial-up, the town didn’t have internet and no one could drive worth a damn, but they could still find enough crap in the middle of winter to turn an entire bedroom into a luau, there was the dumbest gag ever about Zoe’s password, and Brick’s concussion antics were just …  But yeah, not really even a lot of hijinks this week, and I usually kind of enjoy that, in spite of my mockery of it.

And not much in the way of emotional moments, either, except Lemon and Lavon (of course) by the car, talking about Lemon eloping and how Lavon helped push her to George, and him lying and saying he was happy for her.  And there was also a sweet moment between Brick and Zoe regarding her dad.

Regarding Zoe’s dad, it’s no shock that he’s avoiding her and pretty much cut her out entirely, but I was sort of glad to see the show at least address it for the sake of continuity and closure.  Although I didn’t love an episode where the only characters Zoe interacts with (basically) are Brick and Addie.  She needs to be back with the main bunch.  Also, someone needs to fuck up George and Lemon’s wedding soon, right?  Maybe we should start working on that.  I really don’t care if Zoe and George ever hook up (because Wade is obviously The One), but I CANNOT have Lemon and Lavon kept apart forever.  I love them too much.  (Also, this show will never let Lemon and George get married.)

So yeah.  Lavon ended up breaking up with Didi on his mom’s advice (his mom, who was handing out relationship advice immediately following a Facebook affair).  And here’s what I want to say about that scene, with Lavon and Didi sitting on the steps: 1. Did you guys notice how skinny Lavon’s ankles are?  What’s the opposite of cankles?  Because he has them.  And 2. Did you guys ALSO notice how we were staring directly at his giant orange package?  It looked like an enormous circus peanut in those pants.  I couldn’t take my eyes away from it.  Actually, I’m sort of surprised I managed to notice that they broke up, but I’m here for you.

And that was pretty much it.  I was underwhelmed, but what did you guys think?  Did you like it better than I did?  Have any favorite moments or thoughts you want to share?  Does this remind you of any unrelated yet entertaining story that we should know about?  Basically, just talk to me in the comments.  And as a sidenote, we were having some difficulty with the comments last week, but all of that has been straightened out, thanks to our incredible tech guru Andy.  So celebrate by showering me with love and comment affection, basically.

We’ve all been burned by the CW promo machine before – you get too much information, you know something you wish you didn’t and suddenly you regret watching the 30-second spot.  But sometimes you don’t realize quite how TMI the promo actually was until you watch the episode, like what happened when I watched Friday’s episode, ‘Repo Men’.  I haven’t seen a lot of complaining about this around the internets which surprises me because honestly?  This episode was really well done, and had the potential to be really exciting if the promo hadn’t fucked it all up.

The central conceit of the episode was that a demon, previously tortured and exorcised by Sam and Dean four years ago during their hunt for Lilith, seemed to have returned from hell.  Murders following the same pattern as before began anew, forcing the brothers to return to town and track down the poor sap who had been host to the demon the last time to see if he had been repossessed, because ‘demons tend to be sentimental’.

There was some interesting commentary here on something we don’t get nearly enough of on SPN – the aftermath of Hurricane Winchester on the poor folks around the country who have had the unfortunate luck of being used as a meatsuit for evil.  In this case, Jeffrey, a former postal worker, had told some people about what had happened to him, only to be locked up in a mental ward and then later a halfway house.  He’d lost his job, family, friends and everything else in his life, both due to the possession and the Winchester-provided beating prior to the exorcism.  When you think about it, there must be a long line of people just like this all over the country.

But it turned out that Jeffrey was no ordinary meat puppet – he was someone who had planned, but never executed, several murders long before his possession.  He was someone who had always wanted to go full-blown evil but never had the guts.  Until, that is, the demon found him and gave him both the balls and the know-how to fulfill all of his secret hopes and dreams.  It had the potential to be a real Primal Fear-type reveal (which, god, how great was Edward Norton in that movie???), if only the promo hadn’t shown Jeffrey lamenting to Dean that he LOVED being possessed and everything would have gone great if not for those meddling Winchesters (paraphrasing).  But because I had seen that, I spent the entire episode waiting for Jeffrey’s true colors to show and wasn’t surprised at all when it happened.

Also due to the promo, the second Jeffrey adopted that dog I knew that I’d be reaching for the mute button at some point because I cannot handle animal murder in my media.  I realize that it sounds insane to say that watching hoards of people get killed in movies and tv has no effect on me, but kill just ONE dog, cat, turtle or rat and I can’t deal.  Even Dean was appalled:

Oh, that's it. Prepare to be Winchestered, motherfucker.

Luckily there were other great moments that made up for the fact that the big twist was a bust.  We’ve seen Sam pressing his palm all season long (and no, that is not a euphemism for masturbation), and his worryface hasn’t gone anywhere.  So even though we haven’t been privy to it, we know that he’s never stopped dealing with having Lucifer in his brain.  No matter how big and boxy the hair helmet or how large the sideburns, nothing can keep Mark Pelligrino out of Sam’s head.  This week we got a LOT of quality time in Sam’s nightmare and lots of time with Luci, who it must be said, was quite hilarious as he was driving poor Sammy insane.  Also, there was this:

This picture inspired me to coin the term 'gaglarious'. Use it often.

Sam hasn’t been responding to Luci’s taunts for months now, choosing the ‘if you ignore him, the bully will go away’ tactic.  Luci tried everything to get him to react – taunting him, hallucinations (god, the library head-smashing scene was pretty fucking great right? Scary but also CREEPY – my favorite), even helping him with the Jeffrey case.  Really, Luci (or at least Sam’s conjured version of him) pretty much saved Dean’s life in this episode by keeping Sam on track.

Sam finally responded to him, and according to Luci, ‘let him in’, meaning that the ol’ hand-pressing technique is good for nothing as he’s lost control over his own head again (maybe Luci will force him to finally cut his hair?).  I’m glad we’re getting back to this – it’s been a while, and it’s time to shit or get off the pot with respect to this particular arc.

Some more of my favorite quotes from the episode (some funny, and some poignant):

• Ay caramba, mi cabeza!
• We’re back, you know. Back in black.  (This seemed ominous and important – are the black-eyed demons staging a comeback of sorts?)
• He was a psychopath Sam. That’s what they do all the time is act. Act like they’re normal; like they’re not balls to the wall crazy. (Dean playing the role of Dr. Foreshadow)
• GOOD MORRRRNING, VIETNAM!

Like the other supernatural-based CW shows, SPN is taking a hiatus and returning on March 16^th (the promo says 9th, but we know how much we trust the CW promo dept at this point, right?).  The video is below, and while it doesn’t give away anything major in terms of story (this is how promos should always be, network!!), it does drop a HUGE deuce with respect to a returning character (or actor, anyway).  If you follow the tv blogosphere at all this won’t really be a spoiler, but if you want your brain to stay virgin pure, keep away.  Also, keep in mind that the promo apparently contains scenes from the next three episodes, so we might not see everything shown below right away on the 16^th.  So check it out and then hit the comments – did you love this episode?  Did you watch the promo beforehand and if so, did it ruin anything for you?  Predictions on how the Sam/Luci situation will play out?  What did you make of that demon comment?  We’ve got a while before the next episode, so lets talk it out!

So, hey!  Something strange happened:  I didn’t actually hate this episode!  Well, except for the part where Lori neither died in the car crash nor got munched on by a zombie, obvs.  But I totally didn’t want to punch NLR in the face, so that’s something, right? And we finally have a situation set in motion that should force the gang off of the Not-So-Idyllic Farm of Plot Stagnation, so I’m handing out a solid “B” on the episode.  Also, I learned something interesting from Talking Dead last night that I didn’t know before:  The series title “Walking Dead” refers not to the zombies, but to the survivors, which casts a much darker pall over the series.  Because, you know, a worldwide zombie apocalypse wasn’t already dark to begin with.

Hey, speaking of dark:  Somehow, between the end of the last episode (when it was full daylight) and the beginning of this episode, night totally fell like an anvil whenever Wile E. Coyote is around.  What the hell were Rick, Hershel and Glenn doing in that bar all this time?  Not checking pockets for weapons and bullets and other useful items apparently, because they wait until they’re back on camera to do that.  Famewhores!  Kinda like how the Jersey Shore denizens only act high and slutty and obnoxious when there’s a camera on them… oh, wait.  Nevermind.

Anyway, once they’ve harvested what they can from dead Dave and Tony, the three are ready to leave the bar when they hear voices outside.  It’s Dave and Tony’s posse, out looking for them.  For some reason, they don’t immediately check inside the bar, they just stand outside and holler for their buddies.  As one does, when there are walkers lurking everywhere.  On their second sweep past, though, they realize that no one in fact checked the building and go to do so, only to be thwarted by Glenn quickly hurling himself in front of the door to keep it from opening.  The gang outside claims they don’t want any trouble, they’re just looking for their buddies.  Given that they were friends with Dave and Tony, the indiscreet urinator, I kinda think they’re maybe not opposed to some trouble, you know?

Aaaaaand, I’m right; Rick tries to make up for totally blowing those guys away, hollering that Dave and Tony drew on them instead of keeping his trap shut.  Their non-trouble-seeking response is to shoot at the windows and doors, which I’m sure won’t attract the zombies’ attention AT ALL.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch farm, everyone is sitting down to dinner.  Carol goes to the next room to call for Lori, only to be told that she went to town to look for Rick.  Is it really mean of me to be amused that no one noticed she was gone until then?  Or maybe it wasn’t that they didn’t notice, so much as that they were just really happy to spend a few hours without her giving them the Vacant Eyeball Stare of Mild Disapproval (Or Maybe Starvation).  Dale volunteers that she went to town after Rick for some inexplicable reason.  After some hand-wringing and ignoring of perfectly good food, Shane goes out to look for his presumed baby mama.

Lori, for her part, has refused to grant me my fondest wish by surviving, and she wakes to find a walker pushing his way into the car through the broken window, tearing half of the flesh away from his face as he does so.  This shot was super-gross and super well-done, and it sent our housemate (who has not seen this series before) scuttling into her room in horror.  Yay, zombies in this episode (of this show about zombies)!!!  Anyhow, Lori somehow avoids becoming a zombie scooby-snack long enough to pull a screwdriver (the tool, not the drink, which is what I need right now) from somewhere and take the zombie out with a stab through the eyeball that was not at all off-aim or too weak to be effective despite how she was all angling the blow over her shoulder and shit.

A second zombie sneaks shuffles up behind her once she gets out of the car, dropping her on the ground where she again avoids being walker food long enough to crawl toward a hubcap that she uses to get the zombie off of her.  She follows that up with a bullet to the head after retrieving the gun from the car.  Shane finds her wandering down the middle of the road and tells her that Rick has already returned to the farm to convince her to get her dumb ass in the car.

Hershel, Rick and Glenn have a gunfight with the other members of the Dave & Tony gang until their regularly scheduled human-on-human violence is interrupted by a herd of walkers.  The zombies quickly fall upon the guy whom Hershel shot and start eating his face, and his buddy leaps off of a roof onto a dumpster to join his friends in the pickup that is hauling ass out of town.  Except he misses, and ends up impaling his leg on a wrought iron fence.  His “friends” drive off and leave him.  Glenn is all for getting in the car and doing the same as more zombies pour toward them, but Hershel and Rick debate whether they are going to help the dumbass who was just shooting at them about 30 seconds before that. Rick solves the “how to amputate his leg and keep him alive” argument by simply pulling the guy’s leg up off of the spike and putting him into the car.

In the episode’s C-plot, Carol continues to try and cozy up to The Man, who is reverting back to his mean, redneck ways in the wake of Sophia’s demise.  (Too much more of that and he’s going back to being called Daryl because this is not how The Man is supposed to act, y’all.)  She is prepared to let him yell at and belittle her if it means he’s not shutting himself away from the group again, but I’m not sure even she was ready for the torrent of words he threw at her, beginning with the title quote.  I know there’s been a lot of speculation for most of the season about whether these two are going to hook up, and I will therefore take this opportunity to repeat my stance on ‘shipping with regards to this show:  Lack of personal hygiene + anyone touching anyone’s anything = GROSS.

Lori is pissed to return to the farm and find that Shane lied to her about how Rick was back and everyone was fine when in fact they are not back and may not be fine at all.  She even straight up asks him what happened to Otis.  Shane doesn’t so much answer the question as put whatever happened to Otis off on him loving her and protecting her, and everything he’s done has been for her and JESUS CHRIST I AM SO BORED WITH THESE TWO!!

NLR, in what may be her finest moment of the series to date, totally calls Shane out on how he’s pretty much right about everything but totally goes about it the wrong way and pisses absolutely everyone off in the process.  Shane allows as how she’s probably right and maybe he should have left with her when he had the chance.  Which, word.

When Rick and company finally get back to the farm, they have Randall in tow, which freaks everyone the fuck out because now of course the others are going to come looking for him.  Hershel does some surgery on him in the barn to do what he can for the calf muscle that is now torn to shit.  Lori, whose timing is always impeccable, bitches to Rick about Shane and how he thinks it’s his kid and how she’s suspicious about Otis and maybe Shane is going to be a problem (going to be?!).  And Maggie berates Hershel for taking off and drinking and leaving her there to deal with things when she didn’t know what to do, thereby rounding out the host of daddy issues floating around under the surface of the episode.

Also, Shane lets slip in front of the group that Lori is pregnant, prompting Carl to ask if they can name the baby Sophia if it’s a girl.  Yes, Carl.  Because that won’t be traumatic for anyone at all.  Oh, and Maggie totally pulls the L-word on Glenn, upon which he blames his freezing up during the gunfight.  Ass.

So there it is, guys.  Lori is still alive (boo!), but NLR didn’t suck ass, there were zombies, and there is now a plausible reason on the horizon for the group to have to leave the farm and head back out into the world.  I’m cautiously optimistic that the last few episodes of the season won’t totally suck ass!

Welcome back to another edition of the Teen Witch Cleavage Hour! Have we ever talked about the serious cleave that TSC puts on display before? Because there is a lot of it – on both the boys (well, Jake) and the girls.  The boys (well, Jake) have their deep V’s, and the girls have super deep scoop necks, unbuttoned Henleys, unbuttoned Oxfords, satin bras, and just plain old toplessness.  Maybe they store their magic in their tits and just need easy access or something, I don’t know.

About the title of the post, I know that the bigger story here was the arrival of John Blackwell and its implications for Cassie and her magic vagine, but how often do you get to use a Smiths lyric as an apt title for a post about a teen witch soap opera?  Almost never.

Charles is back, and he got a haircut that makes me think of Brian Kinney, so that’s something.  Look how handsome:

But then Cassie went and told him that her grandmother was coming home from the Witch Brain Clinic, and the smile faded because he knows that Gran could take him down depending on what she remembers:

Bye Charles – hopefully we’ll see more of you next time.

God, SADdam is so hell bent on ordering Cassie around that he even shows up to teach her how to do her new job at the local coffee house. If this show were Degrassi, he would have definitely condescendingly corrected her in public and slapped her for embarrassing him in front of his friends by now.  At least he’s happier these days (sort of), but the problem with his current happiness is that you know it’s totally dependent on the fact that he ‘has’ Cassie now, and that if she were to dump his ass (can’t imagine why), he’d probably go postal.  Actually, I could be into this.  Dump SADdam and get him so angry that he pulls a Salvatore and shuts off his feelings, becoming a huge asshole who sleeps with half of Chance Harbor and kills the other half (but, and I can’t stress this enough, NO BROODING).  That would be so much better than the current state of affairs.

You guys, I don’t even know how but I completely missed the scene last week that showed Lee talking to his comatose girlfriend.  I finished the episode and wrote the recap still thinking that Lee’s fucked up hair doll was an attempt to terrify the power back into Faye, but now I know better.  So does Faye who, thanks to Callum’s voodoo orgasm sesh with Melissa, is aware that the dolls drain power rather than supply it.  But no fear, Lee put her mind at ease by breaking the doll and telling her he’d find another way to give her her power back (yah huh).

But, it worked because Faye jammed her tongue down his throat almost immediately (get it, gurl) and he apparently harnessed the power of her tongue to wake up his girlfriend I think?  I was a little thrown here – that WAS the girlfriend waking up, yes?  Dude, if that’s all it took, why bother with the creepy hair doll to begin with?  This way, you get your girlfriend back AND you get to make out with Faye. Why wasn’t this Plan A?  Speaking of this storyline, Callum has now figured out that Melissa and her buds are witches, and he seemed very excited by what that means for him.  Maybe Callum ALSO has a comatose girlfriend lying around somewhere?

The big story was the arrival of Brunette Daniel Craig John Blackwell, who, while he’s very handsome and seems very nice, was a pretty big letdown after all of the hype.  Sorry, but it’s true.  The best part of his being back was Cassie’s breakdown with him on the dock – Brit Robertson always manages to surprise me with her skills on this show, and that scene was a standout for her.

As for John, I’m 100% sure that there is more to him that what we saw last night, but the show needed to give us SOMETHING to hold our intrigue, you know?  Something to hint at his possible motivations, a sinister threat to someone we like, anything.  Instead, what we saw was a concerned dad trying to do right by his daughter, which just doesn’t fit in with the immortal vessel of evil that he’s been built up to be.

At this point, a pattern has definitely emerged in the way that Cassie deals with life or death problems, and it’s not looking good for her.  Behold Cassie Blakes’s Four Simple Steps to Handling an Emergency™:

Step 1: Casual dismissal of gigantic, scary problem.

Step 2: Genuine and much-needed offer of assistance.

Step 3: Churlish and condescending rejection of much-needed assistance.

Step 4: Imminent mortal danger.

That entire kidnapped-by-hunters sequence was actually pretty creepy, what with the car scene and the black eyedrops of doom.  I approve.  Even better was the MUCH NEEDED and LONG OVERDUE scene of the circle using their power together in any way at all.  It feels like it’s been FOREVER since we’ve seen this happen.  But when they Care Bear Stared Evan up onto the tree, that was pretty fucking awesome.

The last two scenes seemed oddly out of order to me, especially considering that this is the mid-winter/pre-spring finale or whatever they’re calling it.  The penultimate scene was Blackwell asking Jake to work with him to keep Cassie safe.  Kind of a big moment, what with all of the Blackwell lore and the whole evil/not evil question still hanging in the air.  But then the show decided to end on a shot of Cassie and Jake sitting awkwardly in a booth at the Boat House, in what I think was supposed to convey the cozy affection they’ve settled into (as though up until this point they’ve been fucking each other’s brains out or something), but actually looked like this:

So Cassie and SADam have transitioned from awkwardly liking each other from afar to the type of indifferent togetherness most often seen in longtime married couples who are only together because divorce would be too much of a hassle.  HAWT.

GRAN WATCH: She’s alive! At least I think she is – we never did hear her end of the conversation…

Like I said, the show is going on a month-long hiatus, so the next episode back isn’t until March 15th.  The promo is below, so check it out and then talk to me in the comments.  Am I being too harsh on John Blackwell’s arrival?  Did it leave you wanting more?  Any thoughts on the Lee/girlfriend situation?  Finally, talk to me about SADam and what you would do to fix the character.  It hurts me so that he’s such a fucking bore, because I really, genuinely like Thomas Dekker and know that he is capable of being much more entertaining.  If you could wave a magic voodoo hair doll and change him, what would you do?