off-color commentary

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New Girl. “Plants Freak Me Out. I’m Way Better with Babies, Actually.”

February 22, 2012 in off-color commentary by Bethany | 1 comment

Is it just me, or was this episode all over the place? I mean, there was the Schmidt and Cece being all are-we-or-aren’t-we, Jess dealing with a bitchy-spirited student, Winston still not having a job, and Nick receiving a cactus from Julia and much ado-ing about it. Not that there isn’t normally a lot going on within each episode, but normally they’re a little more cohesive than this one.

Or maybe this is the episode that will win an Emmy. *shrugs*

Either way, some PLOT-MOVING THINGS happened, people!
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Glee. It’s all fun and games until it’s not.

February 22, 2012 in off-color commentary by Christina | 9 comments

What my nightmares are made of.

What up, gang? Christina here. Looks like it’s my turn to helm the ol’ ship Hatecap. You know how it is. The pure loathing that this show inspires can’t and shouldn’t be left to just one person (it causes ulcers), so I bravely, and selfishly, volunteered for last night’s episode because it’s been a while since I unleashed my TV rage and mama needs an outlet. The title of this recap came from a line that enraged me so much for so many reasons, but I think it’s a very accurate description of this episode. Because it wasn’t fun at all. That’s an hour of my life I will never get back.

I’m not going to go through everything that happened in the episode because, quite frankly, by the time I started writing this, my general confusion and ire had waned, and I knew I was going to work myself up as I went through the points I wanted to make, so I figured I’d spare myself you. But before I go on to talk about how utterly predictable and ridiculous the entire fucking episode was, I need to give y’all a little background on my Glee watching. I was convinced to watch last season by a friend (Hi, @cinjudes!). I enjoyed some episodes, but against better judgment I was “trying to make sense” of a nonsensical show and nearly had an aneurysm. I saw the error of my ways, realized my deep hatred of The Murph, and vowed never to watch another single minute of the show ever, ever again. Seriously, my hate of Saint Ryan Murphy is so much that I automatically hated American Horror Story on principle, but that show is such a shitstorm of cray and embraces it that it’s actually kind of genius. But I still hate Ryan Murphy. With a fiery passion. Here’s why:

It’s episodes like this where I can really feel his influence because it was just SO heavy-handed I felt like I was being smothered. In the first twenty minutes when Karofsky was convinced that it didn’t get better and tried to off himself, I thought “dear lord what have I done volunteering to hatecap this episode? I’m just going to look like a GIANT ASSHOLE.” I don’t have a problem with their tackling a tough subject like this, which does deserve attention, but I knew if I just waited, this show would fuck it up all on its own. And sure enough, before long, it did what it does best and totally forgot about it once it was out of the way. But more than that, before it was forgotten it was a TOTAL B.F.D. Read the rest of this entry »

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THE VOICE. Blind Audition 4. Cee Lo, You Push Allllll My Buttons.

February 22, 2012 in off-color commentary by Strunkette | 1 comment

I was in Vegas until Monday night so I apologize this is so late. If you remember the show or even if you don’t, join me in a run down of the second to last blind audition round.

 

Ducky “Tighten Up”–Why is one name a thing now? Ducky has a mustache that he thinks is cool, but is really awful. No one turns around, but of course they regret it. Blake asks about the stache and whether it was a nod to Doc Holliday in Tombstone. Ducky says maybe, but he could really use a shot of sasparilla. Apparently that is the exact thing Blake has in his cup. Blake offers sassy ‘stache a drink and he takes one.

 

Jonathas “U Got it Bad”–Love the Usher, but again with the one name! Adam is convinced he’s black because he sounds just like Usher. It’s a wonder he didn’t yell out “He’s not black!” Cee Lo thought the producers were playing a trick on them and that he would turn around and see Usher. They compare watches, was that a really expensive watch? I didn’t think people still wore watches. Cee Lo and Christina turn around but there is only one that gave him a chubby in 5th grade. TEAM CHRISTINA

 

Monique Benabou “Mr. Know It All”–Monique is a pretty good singer even if no one is turning around. Finally Blake tells Christina “You could do something with her.” Christina turns and is the only one. TEAM CHRISTINA

 

Naia Kete ”The Lazy Song”– Naia gets the Carson sneak attack. She’s sounds a bit like Dia so it’s no surprise Blake turns around immediately. Cee Lo also pushes his button. Cee Lo gets the tables turned on him and she overtly flirts first. Christina sees the Dia-ness too. Cee Lo sees her voice as soothing and Blake sees it as exciting. So how does she see herself? TEAM BLAKE Cee Lo didn’t say the right things because she was originally going to go with Cee Lo.

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Pretty Little Liars. People don’t usually bring a Glock to the OB-GYN.

February 21, 2012 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 3 comments

Okay you guys, this video from The Night That Allie Died has the potential to become the most hilarious clown-car of a clue ever.  As annoyed as we all are at how the reveal of A is being dragged out, I would sort of love it if every week a new person was revealed walking through Allie’s bedroom door, like Noel Kahn, Mona, Ezra, Byron & Ella, Maya and so on, until there are like 35 people standing around talking about how much they want to kill Allie.  Think of all the gasping!  Nobody reacts to shocking video reveals like the Liars of Rosewood:

But on a serious note, why can Caleb only decode five seconds of it at a time?  Like, once you’re in the decoding zone, can’t you just kind of focus and get the whole GD file done at once?  He doesn’t seem to be going to school right now, so maybe he should just do it.  It’s kind of important.  A lot sort of almost kind of happened again this week, so lets break it down by Liar:

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Weekly Gif Roundup #14: Screw consciousness, that’s what I say.

February 21, 2012 in off-color commentary by hockeybychoice | 8 comments

Hey, guys! Sorry for the late start this week. If you were lucky enough to get a long weekend, I hope it was a good one. It was “Family Day” where I’m from, and I celebrated by spending 10 hours in a car with my mom and 4 hours in a packed Ikea. Good times. I feel a little behind the eight ball today so please excuse the shorter roundup this week. If I don’t include something you were looking for, leave a comment and I’ll take care of it. Of course, you can always find me on twitter.

Alright… I’m fighting exhaustion, so let’s get down to it!

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Smash: “I could hear it in the ‘Oh!’s”

February 21, 2012 in off-color commentary by Dayna | No comments

 

Man, I think I’m actually a little in love with this show.  (At least as a viewer; as a recapper, it can be a little crazy-making with all of the scene cuts and the jumping around from plot point to plot point, but I’m just going to break it down by character arcs instead of going chronologically.  We’ll all be much happier that way, trust me.)  And I mean, I’m not ready to go exclusive, or move in or start picking out China patterns or anything, but I am telling my friends about the and maybe drawing a puffy heart or two around its name in my Trapper Keeper.  Which is a pleasant surprise, since I was expecting at most a dirty, guilty pleasure.

Speaking of dirty, guilty pleasures, we open the episode with Director D-bag and Ivy going at it in bed.  He barely has time to slide out of her before he’s talking about work, and you can see that this was maybe not Ivy’s ideal pillow-talk.  She suggests that maybe the two of them can get together so she can just work on Marilyn.  Director D-bag counters that he thought that’s what they were just doing.  And I totally want to call him out on that and be all offended on her behalf and talk about how he’s so keeping the D-bag nickname, but given the very Marilyn-esque “O” sounds that were just coming out of Ivy’s mouth, and given the fact that she’s been on the scene for long enough to know that sleeping with the director is probably not the best idea in the grand scheme of things, I’m gonna go ahead and give him a pass on that one comment.  Not on everything in this episode, but on that one comment.  Cool?

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Hart of Dixie. Maybe they can’t handle snow, but they ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

February 21, 2012 in off-color commentary by offcolortv | 4 comments

Well, I’m just gonna come out and say it.  This was probably my least favorite episode so far.  Hasn’t Hart of Dixie heard?  It’s a CW show, and no one has parents.  And if they DO have parents, they’re your age.  So why is it that on the show that least needs parents, we get a totally parentcentric episode?

And in case you didn’t know, parents are still boring and parents talking about sex is still gross.  I think this is why the CW pretends they don’t exist.  Also … why wasn’t Zoe more pissed about her room being turned into a parental sex dungeon?  I mean, SERIOUSLY.

Anyway.  Best part of the episode?  Wade wearing a t-shirt over a long-sleeved tee.  I always approve of this look on boys.  Second best part?  Lavon’s dad is a ghostbuster.  Ummm, fucking OF COURSE he is.  I also got a kick out of Wade acting like it was his parents who were getting divorced, and Lavon’s dad comforting him with two birthdays, two Christmases.  Other than that …

The big “event” was that the town was having a snow day, which of course they think is bad luck or a curse or something.  My theory on the matter, having lived in both the north and the south, is that southern people just don’t know how to deal with it and so they do dumb things.  And really, everything that happened in this episode can be explained by that, right down to George’s battery dying.  Why didn’t anyone point that out?  And also, as a northerner, Zoe really should’ve known better than high heels on snow.  I forgive her stupid formal shorts, but I cannot forgive that.  If anyone should’ve been concussed, it was her.  And you know what else?  I’m the clumsiest person alive, and it would SHOCK you to know how regularly I fall over, particularly in snow, and I have never, EVER fallen like that, all ass and feet in the air.  And I’ve fallen a lot of ways–flat on my ass, onto my knees, head first, slipping, tripping, and most impressively, into the splits–so I think that if it could be done, I would’ve managed.  (And yeah … I guess THAT is the point where I decided I couldn’t suspend my disbelief.) Read the rest of this entry »

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Supernatural. The rapier wit, the wittier rape…

February 20, 2012 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 1 comment

We’ve all been burned by the CW promo machine before – you get too much information, you know something you wish you didn’t and suddenly you regret watching the 30-second spot.  But sometimes you don’t realize quite how TMI the promo actually was until you watch the episode, like what happened when I watched Friday’s episode, ‘Repo Men’.  I haven’t seen a lot of complaining about this around the internets which surprises me because honestly?  This episode was really well done, and had the potential to be really exciting if the promo hadn’t fucked it all up.

The central conceit of the episode was that a demon, previously tortured and exorcised by Sam and Dean four years ago during their hunt for Lilith, seemed to have returned from hell.  Murders following the same pattern as before began anew, forcing the brothers to return to town and track down the poor sap who had been host to the demon the last time to see if he had been repossessed, because ‘demons tend to be sentimental’.

There was some interesting commentary here on something we don’t get nearly enough of on SPN – the aftermath of Hurricane Winchester on the poor folks around the country who have had the unfortunate luck of being used as a meatsuit for evil.  In this case, Jeffrey, a former postal worker, had told some people about what had happened to him, only to be locked up in a mental ward and then later a halfway house.  He’d lost his job, family, friends and everything else in his life, both due to the possession and the Winchester-provided beating prior to the exorcism.  When you think about it, there must be a long line of people just like this all over the country.

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The Walking Dead: “What, are you going to make this about my daddy?”

February 20, 2012 in off-color commentary by Dayna | 13 comments

 

So, hey!  Something strange happened:  I didn’t actually hate this episode!  Well, except for the part where Lori neither died in the car crash nor got munched on by a zombie, obvs.  But I totally didn’t want to punch NLR in the face, so that’s something, right? And we finally have a situation set in motion that should force the gang off of the Not-So-Idyllic Farm of Plot Stagnation, so I’m handing out a solid “B” on the episode.  Also, I learned something interesting from Talking Dead last night that I didn’t know before:  The series title “Walking Dead” refers not to the zombies, but to the survivors, which casts a much darker pall over the series.  Because, you know, a worldwide zombie apocalypse wasn’t already dark to begin with.

Hey, speaking of dark:  Somehow, between the end of the last episode (when it was full daylight) and the beginning of this episode, night totally fell like an anvil whenever Wile E. Coyote is around.  What the hell were Rick, Hershel and Glenn doing in that bar all this time?  Not checking pockets for weapons and bullets and other useful items apparently, because they wait until they’re back on camera to do that.  Famewhores!  Kinda like how the Jersey Shore denizens only act high and slutty and obnoxious when there’s a camera on them… oh, wait.  Nevermind.

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The Secret Circle. Girlfriend in a coma (I know, I know, it’s serious).

February 17, 2012 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 4 comments

 

Welcome back to another edition of the Teen Witch Cleavage Hour! Have we ever talked about the serious cleave that TSC puts on display before? Because there is a lot of it – on both the boys (well, Jake) and the girls.  The boys (well, Jake) have their deep V’s, and the girls have super deep scoop necks, unbuttoned Henleys, unbuttoned Oxfords, satin bras, and just plain old toplessness.  Maybe they store their magic in their tits and just need easy access or something, I don’t know.

About the title of the post, I know that the bigger story here was the arrival of John Blackwell and its implications for Cassie and her magic vagine, but how often do you get to use a Smiths lyric as an apt title for a post about a teen witch soap opera?  Almost never.

Charles is back, and he got a haircut that makes me think of Brian Kinney, so that’s something.  Look how handsome:

But then Cassie went and told him that her grandmother was coming home from the Witch Brain Clinic, and the smile faded because he knows that Gran could take him down depending on what she remembers:

Bye Charles – hopefully we’ll see more of you next time.

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