My thumb is saying, “Awesome,” but my brain is saying, “Fuck you.”

So wow, it’s been awhile since we’ve done this. Actually, I take full responsibility for ABC’s long imposed Happy Endings hiatus as I’m pretty sure they just wanted to see if I’d remember how to recap a show. The joke’s on them though because I never knew how to recap a show to begin with if my previous posts were any indication. Anyway, that’s all in the past and we FINALLY have our favorite loveable idiots back for the next five weeks. Since it’s been so long let’s not waste any time rehashing the checklist of why people are idiots for not watching this show.

In the first episode of the night we saw Brad rallying the gang to help him save Chuckles and Hugs because Blankman’s sidekick sucks at running the books but thrives at ensuring people are always creeped out with announcements of people being buried in the ceiling. Dave was recruited to run singalong time with the three cords he knows while Alex and her simple brain is put on arts and crafts. Jane is basically around for moral support as she’s not exactly on the same wavelength as the midgets who still sometimes shit and piss themselves. Max and Penny escape Operation: Save Parent’s Sanity By Leaving Them With Strangers because they’re too busy asserting their power over their significant others with really weird LARPing of RISK and the help of illegal Mexican NyQuil. It all works out as Brad saves Chuckles and Hugs and then gets offered a big boy job at one the Parent’s financial firms, Dave becomes a one hit wonder thanks to a song about shit (no, it’s literally about shit-The Doody Song), and Alex achieves success that only Nike and Kathie Lee have seen by employing child labor to sell bracelets. Don’t worry, she lets them go… eventually. As for Max and Penny, they overcome their addiction after some intense googling and interventions among each other. I hope they read Stephanie Tanner’s tell-all so they too know how to lead a sober life. Read the rest of this entry »

Excuse me, emergency! I sharted and now I need to change my pants.

So our favorite show returned last night with a double dose. I personally love that ABC has ditched the Sunday/Tuesday combo and gone back to season one’s Happy Endings Happy Hour because 1) it makes it easier to recap for me and 2) who the hell doesn’t like a straight hour of Happy Endings? Last night’s comedy block didn’t disappoint either as both episodes were totally classic Happy Endings in feel, which was great as this season seems to be sort of hit and miss. I have a feeling the back half of the season is going to end super strong. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that we get to keep doing this for another season because this week’s episodes show why this show should NEVER leave our television units.

So what happened? Well, the first half had us witness the revenge of Max Broom Mark Blum Max Blum after Dave had convinced him that he had won the lottery and then confessed that it was just a prank to pay him back for his ‘subs for guns’ joke. Guys, I’m all about a good prank but in this economy tricking someone into think they’ve won the lottery is just cruel. Though Max’s ‘I’m rich now’ reaction was fucking fantastic and I might, from time to time, imagine giving that speech to a few people in my life. Anyway, the rest of the episode was the gang trying to thwart Max’s revenge attempts and failing miserably. Even Alex, who paired up with Max to avoid being pranked, ended up pranking herself under the pressure of waiting. Elisha Cuthbert has literally stolen the spotlight from everyone else on this show. I LIVE for her scenes and the couch prank scene was prime example of why.

Read the rest of this entry »

This is what my bowel movement looks like after too many beans.

Y’all my past and present TV soul whisperers collided last night when Zack Morris showed up on our favorite ensemble sitcom. Honestly, I would have preferred that they do away with all the other background stories and focus only on his because it was ZACK MOTHERFUCKING MORRIS. Respect. Obviously, my girlhood crush has yet to diminish for once the bleach blond head asshole who comforted Jessi when she was SO. SCARED. Anyway, this entire recap will pretty much be an ode to the original heartthrob that is Mark Paul Gosselaar so we might as well get the rest of the shit out of the way now.

Read the rest of this entry »

The image says it all.

We’re back from break and we have a double feature recap going on today because if you haven’t heard Happy Endings is airing TWO times a week now. Once on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Apparently, it was too much for ABC to air them on one and giving us TGIHE (Thank God’s It’s Happy Endings), our own version of their classic TGIF line up. I’m sure we could have talked at least one of the Olsen twins to making an appearance. In fact, I’m pretty sure Mary Kate is dying for a reason to escape her daddy…er… I mean old man sex friend. Anyway, as of right now I’m planning on just doing the Wednesday recap post but that might change and since we have two episodes to talk about let’s jump on it like Apache!

Sunday’s saw the reemergence of Tyler, Alex’s racist parrot, who Brad and Penny are in charge of taking care of while Alex is off gallivanting at the Rom-Com Con. Writers, I want to know why we were denied witnessing Alex’s experience at this magical Con? Just imagine all those Pretty Woman hooker costumes in one place and I bet only half of them would have been on the clock. Anywho, while Al is off living the dream Brad and Penny accidentally kill that rejected KKK feathered creature because, you know, he’s not a Cockatoo (i.e., white) from paint fumes when they glueing Alex’s cherished broken hand plate back together. They attempt to cover their tracks by making it look like suicidal dive bomb into the dumpster below. Or some shit like that. Alex of course comes home to the news and is devastated that her political incorrect friend is no more. Brad and Penny begin feeling guilty and eventually confess at Tyler’s wake/funeral ceremony. As it turns out it wasn’t their fault but instead the tequila worms. Basically, never ask these two to be on your RISK team. If it ever comes down to guilt tripping or torture while taking over the world they’ll blab ALL your secrets. Read the rest of this entry »

Merry Christmas you filthy animal!

I’m stuffed with peppermint bark and I’ve got all the depressing Christmas tunes on repeat because nothing says Christmas like listening to Jon Bon Jovi beg for some bitch to please come home. It’s my favorite Jovi tune really. Want to know what’s also my favorite? Last night’s Christmas themed Happy Endings, “No-Ho-Ho.” It’s no secret this season has been a little up and down for me but last night’s ep was honestly the best so far. My face literally hurt from smiling and laughing the whole thirty minutes. I hope this signals a return to the consistent, whole belly laughs every week Happy Endings we’ve grown to love. Let’s hop in our sleigh, bypass the creepy talking snowman, and reminisce about the good times!

As per usual, the gang was gathered at Taters for some festive drinking and to plan, excuse me, be told by Jane what their Christmas plans were for this year now that the older Kerkoviches were going to sex camp. It over this round of Christmas cheer in liquid form that the gang discovered that Jane carries around a fake ID after being carded by their waiter. Look, obviously this guy was new, otherwise he’d know that Taters is this band of merry idiots’ designated Alcohol Lovers meet up place. Don’t worry guys, one day Taters WILL be the place where everyone knows your name. Anyway, back to Jane and her fake ID. Why does she own one? Turns out that Jane was actually born on December 25th but changed her birthday to July 16th so it wouldn’t be overshadowed by Kris Kringle and his magical reindeer. Personally, I think it was her way of ensuring she got TWO birthdays out of her parents. Pretty brillz really.

Read the rest of this entry »

Number one sign you’re a serial killer? Talking to yourself.

So last night we FINALLY met Alex and Jane’s parents (played by Christopher McDonald and Julie Hagerty perfectly). Now if you have followed my recaps for a while then you know this is something I’ve been waiting FOREVER to see on the show. Well, that and a Blankman shout out complete with J5. Overall, the episode was pretty solid. I mean, how can you go wrong with Alex eating food and jealous Max? And then there was Dave and his awkward turtle self. He (SPOILER ALERT) might have been my favorite thing last night. Yeah, you read that right which means the Mayans were right and the world is going to end next week. FYI, I’m really tired today after compiling my own list of faults for my main squeeze pillow so I’m just going to jump into it.

As is normally the case our dynamic groups of societal rejects (I say this lovingly) started out their adventures in Taters where Alex and Dave are practicing their typewriter corn eating as Jane and Brad wonder if they should call for a short bus to take them home. Meanwhile, Max is feeling very much like a less than full size spare tire within the group and even more so since Penny has gone off and snatched ‘I want to lick him like a Popsicle’ Pete. Poor Max, it’s never been more evident that you’re the Screech in this Save By the Bell update. Just kidding. You’re a million times better than Screech. You’re more like the Justin Timberlake of the group by being way more awesome than the others.

Anyhow while Max is off compiling a new group of friends, Jane and Alex are busy planning their Dad’s mattress store’s 20th anniversary party and they both have reasons to sort of dread going. Type-A Jane, who never does well with disappoint, is on a mission to find a joke which wasn’t created by Gallagher to make her dad laugh. At one point, Jane even recruits Max to help her but all that does is end up supplying Max with the perfect Penny solution which we’ll talk about in a minute. Eventually she prepares the perfect the joke that will slay her father’s comedy dragon but after leaving Brad alone with her dad Brad ends up using the joke which turns out to be a hit. This leaves Jane with nothing to do but to go all Gallagher out at the end of the night except that instead of breaking the watermelon she full on nutcracker’s her own head. Mr. Kerkovich being an asshole, much like mine would be, finds this hilarious and even though she probably has a brain bleed Jane doesn’t care because this means she’s won.

Read the rest of this entry »

“My vagina senses started tingling, obvi.”

Okay, here’s the deal, and I don’t mean to be an asshole, but last night’s episode, ‘P&P Romance Factory’? It was okay. Definitely not the worst because, HEY, my retinas had the prettiness of Nick Zano to look at but outside of that? Meh. Look, I’d LOVE to gush about how great every Happy Endings episode is each week (I mean, it is the Peanut Butter M&M candy of shows) but there is destined to be middle of the road episodes from time to time and last night’s fell into this category. Sorry, facts are facts. Or in this case, opinions are opinions and you’re more than welcome to disagree with me down in the comments. For real, I’m all about getting this place hopping with some debate club antics.

Anyway, back to the episode at hand. To me, it seemed like sort of a filler episode whose purpose was to set up Act Two of the season which is fine, really, but it still seemed to lack some of its normal hilarity pizzaz. I mean, with an episode featuring a prescribed medical helmet and Segways, I should have been on the floor laughing but I wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, there were still plenty of moments that clearly proved why I love this show so much (most of them Alex moments, go figure). I don’t know. I’m starting to feel like an asshole and my Boo doesn’t deserve an asshole recapper so let’s get to what happened.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m just a girl looking for some chocolate mousse, okay?

It’s turkey week in America, a.k.a Thanksgiving. Luckily for your waistline it’s not till tomorrow, but that didn’t stop the Happy Endings rat pack from celebrating early. While this show pretty much beats every other comedy on TV in my opinion, the one area they SLAY them like conquistadors looking for gold in the new world is theme episodes. Last night’s Real World Reunion special feature was no different. I’m not even being sarcastic here folks, Happy Endings had their own Real World season and it was everything you could hope and dream of topped off with a Singled Out reference. Since Thanksgiving (American T.G. that is) is tomorrow, I feel it’s important to give thanks to this brilliance and what better way to do so than with another edition of Love Letters from Stephanie.

Dear Happy Endings Jedi Masters,

It’s that time of year where everyone thinks about what they’re thankful for and for me, it is you. Well, you, coffee, my iPad, J.Crew jeans that make my ass look good, and frozen York peppermint patties that let me feel the sensation of hurdling to my death at 100 mph in a frozen tunnel. But overall, I’m most thankful for you. The patties are a close second. After last night’s ode to the best reality tv show of all time and the most gluttonous holiday ever conceived, I think you feel the same way and that you’ve finally forgiven my heart’s slip in judgment over a couple of dudes on that ‘Characters Welcome’ network last summer. Let’s use this season of togetherness and move forward. Think about it! We can be like Doogie Howser, MD and Vinnie or Screech and Carl Winslow. Basically what I’m getting at is, Ninja Turtle laser tag date soon? Beeper number is the still the same. Page me.

The tickle to your Elmo,

Stephanie

PS-I promise to stay 150 feet from you at all times per the restraining order request.

I could stop right there but y’all probably want to relive the beauty of the episode so let’s pass around the smallpox infested blankets and begin! As it’s already been predetermined last night’s episode centered around the Thanksgiving holiday and while Jane and Brad normally host the meal Alex and Dave decided to christen their new Barbie Dream House by having the dinner at their place. All I have to say is apparently NONE of these ungrateful children go home to spend time with their parents nor do they invite them over. Basically, they’re doing it wrong because the way I see it Thanksgiving is the time to have someone else do all the heavy cooking. Shit, that reminds me. I need to find a sweet potato casserole recipe for tomorrow. See what happens when you have other people cook? They (i.e., me) forget they have to cook.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tonto, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it

So season two of Happy Endings was pretty Brax lite what with Max trying to find love in a hopeless place and Brad secretly LARPing scenes of Blankman with Jane in the bedroom in search of a #J5climaxspecial. Okay, so I made up that last bit BUT it could’ve happened. My point is we had more romance than bromance last season but this season the bromancing is back and last night’s episode was a Brax lover’s wet dream. Add in the Jewish love and it was pretty much perfect for me. Not because I’m Jewish but because I got mad respect for any group of people who understand the importance of a perfectly cooked brisket like me and my fellow Texas brethren.

Okay, so really not a lot happened in last night’s episode so this recap is going to be pretty short on the expose and more abundant in the DREIDEL SPIN. Shall we proceed?

As I’ve already mentioned Brax was back with a vengeance last night much like BSB with their ‘Backstreet’s Back’ album. EVERYBODY! YEAHHH! ROCK YOUR BODY! YEAHHH! BRAX IS BACK ALRIGHT! Whoa, sorry guys. My inner tween came out there. Anyway, while Backstreet Boys fight to remain relevant, Boyz II Menorah is just starting their VH1’s Behind The Music saga. Their journey began when Maximilian was performing at a bar mitzvah and Brad couldn’t hold in the spirit of latkes anymore and joined him on the dance floor. After that Penny, aka Lou Pearlman, recognized the magic of this white chocolate mocha dynamic and convinced these two create the superpower known as Boyz II Menorah. Of course no BTM special would be possible without some obstacles to overcome. In Brax’s case, it occurs when Brad performs the dreidel spin after Max explicitly told him only he performs it. Naturally, this leads to Brad and Max to go off on their own solo careers thanks to Penny’s scheming but unlike Joey McEntire Brad knows he’s better with Max than by himself. Alas, Boyz II Menorah is happy, healthy, and enjoying performing to smaller venues like in their early days. Check out their reunion concert at a bar mitzvah near you.

Read the rest of this entry »

Damn Taco Bell. Why must they try to get all authentic and stick their kids meals in a pinata now? I just want my fucking toy.

Happy Halloween bitches!!!!!!!!

Okay, now that’s out of the way, how good was Happy Endings last night, guys? Like, SOOOOO good, right? It personally had me wanting to sloppy, wet kiss make out with it from start to finish. That’s serious high praise coming from me if you weren’t aware. I honestly don’t know where to even start to tackle this beast. Oh yeah I do. Eliza Coupe. She was fucking fantastic last night. Yes, the rest of the cast was great but Coupe stole the episode with her line delivery and the subtle intricacies that she brings to the character of Jane. Suffice to say that in a cast filled with comedic powerhouses, Coupe’s ability to stand out and really shine is a testament to her talent, the writing, and the castmates’ on-screen rapport with each other. I’ll even go as far to say the Eliza Coupe is the best comedic actress on television right now and it’s a damn shame those stuffy award shows haven’t recognized this fact yet.

Alright, let’s get to the meat of this Italian BMT. You get it? Italian BMT because there were three story arcs last night and the Italian BMT comes with three meats. Still nothing? Whatever, you guys. You know that was an awesome segue. ANYWAY, the Brax renaissance was upon us last night when Max decided to help Brad complete his typical Saturday routine a la Max-style, i.e. for free, now that Brad is now a member of the ‘No-Job-Luck-Club’. This included hitting up various support groups for free coffee and pastries, getting a good run as an incentive to keep their asses from being kicked, and a relaxing steam sauna sesh thanks to the local sewers. Plus the universal rule of booger picking was reinforced. Pick it then flick it, y’all. In the end, Brad had an after-school special realization that he needs a job that allows Max-style shenanigans but also, you know, gives him a hefty paycheck without the crazy hours. It was a beautiful bonding moment. Honestly, I’m glad Brax was back with a vengeance last night because there was too little of this great bromance last year. Seriously guys, remember the greatest of Brax in season one? We NEED that again. In fact, let’s make this a weekly thing in season three complete with the face paint and the donkey pinata (greatest prop ever), m’kay?

Read the rest of this entry »