Did anyone find that as boring and frustrating as I did? Honestly, this could have been any random filler episode in any given season of this show. It definitely did not feel season finale worthy. Where were those shocking moments that PLL can be famous for delivering at the end of a season? Where was Hanna being run down by a car on a glamping trip? Where was Ian being pushed off a bell tower? Hell, I thought last week’s episode was far more interesting, what with Spencer’s (very brief) sojourn to the dark side.

This week’s biggest ‘shocks’ came from finding out that Jenna is probably bumping uglies behind closed doors with Shauna the swimmer/costume shop clerk, and that Toby is alive, which we’ve all known since Spencer failed to remove that motorcycle helmet a few weeks ago. What else? Alison may be alive, but honestly – is this any different than any of the other times one of the PLLs has thought they saw Alison somewhere? All of them were either half-conscious due to smoke inhalation or, like Spencer, were looking at Red Coat from a hundred yards away through darkness and trees. Not exactly reliable and certainly not definitive.

So, let’s just talk about random things that I had feelings about, shall we? I feel like the story didn’t evolve at all, so there’s no point in nitpicking every detail of what happened. Since the episode felt like the writers threw a bunch of stuff at the wall to see what stuck, I’m taking the same approach to this recap.

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As is wont to happen in PLL land, things finally start getting good right before the season comes to an end. For weeks we’ve been meandering around the same plot points with no real forward momentum since Toby’s coming out pArty in Spencer’s kitchen. There have been some interesting developments (Cece’s historical significance in Ali’s life, Wilden completing his evolution into a full-on mustache-twirling villain), but for the most part we’ve been distracted by red herring after red herring. And I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen Mike even once this season – he’s been around less than Spencer’s parents!

I have to say that I was let down by the promos for this episode, which made it seem like the carnival would be the primary setting. I was all ready for the PLLs to show up in some crazy carnival-themed wardrobe and makeup. I love it when the girls go to events all worked up about A and act like they don’t have time for this silly high school bullshit when they clearly spent at least 4 hours getting ready. Alas, we only spent about five minutes there (but it was definitely significant – more on that later).

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Basically we spent this episode watching Spencer serve out the 72 hours of her mandatory 5150 psychiatric hold in Radley while her friends went for coffee, solicited career help for their boyfriends and hung out with Olympic athletes. We still don’t know if Toby and his tramp stamp are dead, but we do know one thing: Wilden most certainly isn’t. I was really kind of sure that he’d turn out to be in the trunk of his own car, but now I’m starting to think that someone else definitely was. More on that later.

Let’s discuss the three girls who did not spend the episode in a mental institution first because mostly nothing happened with them. Aria listened to Ezra cry about having no job and no money and also a young child who has now been rendered homeless by his own grandmother. Aria decided he needed a job, probably because she was bored of his complaining more than anything, so she obviously went to the one person who has never supported their relationship for help: Weeping Poet Dad.

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Ohmygod. What is going on with the ladies of Rosewood, specifically why are all of their brains broken??? I had to pick this line from Aria as the title, because it literally sums up the entire episode and the actions of everyone involved. Before we get into all that though, I need to vent my frustrations over the fact that the PLLs now have TWO very important pieces of information at their fingertips and NOBODY is looking into them or even mentioning them and it is driving me goddamn insane.

1. The Queen of Hearts email. Emily sent this to herself what, last week? The week before? Point is, bitch has had it for a few days at least. Has anyone even OPENED this email? Shauna the costume store clerk lost her JOB over it and Emily’s just going to let it sit unopened in her inbox like so many Sephora Beauty Insider newsletters? That is ridiculous. If they’re putting off the reveal for later in the season, fine. But then she shouldn’t have gotten the information so early. And if the email requires deciphering like looking into credit card numbers, also fine – but then TELL US. Every time Emily comes on screen I’m too busy screaming at her to check her email to even pay attention to what’s going on.

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Guess who’s back? Back again? Ezra’s back. Tell a friend. Yes, Ezra is finally back to terrorize the Liars! Aria came in to his apartment juuuuust after he (presumably) finished putting away his wig stand and red coat (and elevator cable cutters?), so she’s still in the dark about his evil ways, but don’t be fooled. That was DEFINITELY some ‘hug n’ shade’ on Ezra’s face during their little reunion. Oh, and yes, I’m absolutely just writing these as though Ezra is Redcoat in the hopes that I can will the plot into existence. If I don’t make this exciting for myself, who will? The show? Pffffft. I think not (although Ashley Marin certainly brought her A game (pun!) – we’ll get to that).

As an aside, did you guys know that I. Marlene King (the writer of the books and the showrunner) wrote the screenplay for Now and Then, the amazing coming of age movie starring Christina Ricci as a young Rosie O’Donnell (obviously)? I’m sorry, but that movie is awesome and for that reason alone, King gets a tiny bit of slack from me. But I’m telling you, if the rest of this season plays out like it has so far (suspect->evidence->explanation->suspect no more) I will definitely not come back next season. Oh, who am I kidding? As long as Evil Ezra is still in play I am a slave to this ridiculous show.

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In an episode where Hanna possibly discovered a dark secret about Uncle Father Jamie, Jason almost plunged to his death in an elevator and Spencer tried to KILL MONA WITH HER BARE HANDS, the most shocking thing that happened might have been that Aria finally kissed someone age-appropriate. Either that, or that a member of Spencer’s family actually came home for dinner for once.

Once again, the PLLs were all off on their own for the most part, so I’m going to split the recap up accordingly. This also lets me get the boring bits out of the way first (for the second week in a row, I’m looking at you Hanna).

Hanna

Ugh, it’s only been two weeks and already I am so over this Uncle Father Jamie storyline. We can all see where it’s going – one of two things will happen. 1. Jamie is a shady, no-good thief who will only serve to further disappoint Caleb by winning him over and then bailing one night in the middle of his church-fixing job, therefore also disappointing the ENTIRE TOWN and making Caleb hate Hanna for convincing him to open his heart to the power of love, or…

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There’s no getting around it – this episode was pretty goddamn boring. Spencer’s sad and also super pissed! Emily’s confused! Aria’s mopey! Hanna is a sweetheart! Caleb has daddy issues! Does that about cover it? God, it actually kind of does. But I’ll try to recap this shit anyway. Here goes.

Spencer

She’s still, for some reason, trying to reconcile the Toby she thought she knew with the Toby who was revealed to her a couple of weeks ago. She seems to be hoping against hope that he’s actually good, and this whole thing is a classic Three’s Company-style misunderstanding or something. I mean, they’ve been face to face and he didn’t try to explain himself – what else is there to say? (I know, it’s this show, so there’s probably a LOT more to say that will be said very slowly over the course of the next 2-7 seasons. And then all of THAT will turn out to be a lie anyway and we’ll be back to square one). But as a last ditch effort to redeem Toby, she ponied up an extra $500 to pay her ugly/sexy PI to find out what door the A key unlocked. She clearly had some major hopes for what would lie beyond the door to the mysterious apartment across town, and I think they involved the hydrangeas Toby had bought the day before. I really don’t understand what could have been there that would have made everything okay (a giant floral arrangement and an apology note? A pile of hydrangea petals on a candlelit bed? A picture of Toby delivering the flowers to a pediatric cancer ward?), but whatever it was, it wasn’t there. Instead the place was empty, but clearly had recently been in use as a lair, with the marks of hastily-removed conspiracy walls and other debris clearly visible. Maybe the PLLs should start their OWN conspiracy wall. Someone needs to go all Agent Carrie Mathison up in here, and Spencer is perfect because she’s already crazy, plus she has that huge, parent-free house where someone could make DOZENS of conspiracy walls if they wanted.

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I could start by saying that actually, a lot of exciting things happened in this episode. Hanna found out stuff about Paige, Emily found out lots of things about Alison, Ezra found out about the thing Aria’s been keeping from him, and we found out that Alison was possibly (you never know) pregnant when she died. Or, I could talk about how Spencer has done lost her damn mind and how she gets REALLY over-dramatic when she’s hiring private investigators. We could even start by talking about Wilden and his brah-tastic fishing trip/possible murder motive.

But I know that we can’t possibly get into any of that when we’re all thinking the same thing: TOBY OH MY GOD WHAT FRESH HELL IS THAT ON YOUR HEAD??? I mean…that’s all you can remember, isn’t it? That first glimpse…your startled gasp quickly followed by painfully intense peals of laughter…hitting rewind button on your DVR for the third, fourth, fifth time because you just couldn’t believe you were seeing what you were seeing. We have seen many sides of Toby over the years: sad Toby, stalker Toby, angry Toby, secret-hug-evil-eyes Toby, shirtless Toby, assaulting-teenage-girls Toby, costumed Toby…but we have never before had the pleasure of laying eyes on Juvie Toby. Let’s take a moment to really appreciate the gritty realism of what a young, wealthy, white suburban kid looks like upon entering a juvenile detention facility in a well-to-do enclave like Rosewood, PA:

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Okay, season 3.5 is rocking it so far! I mean, don’t get me wrong – none of it makes any sense and we still don’t really know much, but it is off the rails insane and some major shit is happening, so what else could we hope for, really? Obviously we’re all waiting for the moment where Ezra goes full dark side on Aria, but until that glorious day I’ll settle for some A Team POV and for Toby being exposed as the evil key-dropping, mannequin-tossing asshead that he is. And on his and Spencer’s anniversary no less.

Not only did we get all of that, but Meredith went full psycho, and the PLL’s significant others (the non-evil ones, anyway) are now working together to take down Mona from the outside. Finally! Pro-active people with brains are getting involved! The only major downside to the episode is the end of Creeping Poet Dad. RIP. I knew it wouldn’t last, but I didn’t think it would end THIS quickly. Oh well, you had your moment in the sun Chad Lowe. Now go away.

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