Articles by DLW

Previously on Ringer: I cursed the show for being boring for 59 minutes and then becoming interesting in the last minute, thus forcing me to keep recapping it this week.  Oh, and the Siobhan storyline was much more exciting than the Bridget one, and not just because SMG-Siobhan wore an awesome, low-cut dress.

This week, we’re on the way back to Manhattan from the Hamptons and Germma’s disappeared.  Yeah!!  Oh, wait, we’re flashing back to the Gemma-Bridget fight.  Boo!!  So what are we going to do with all that tension from last week?  Nothing.  Gemma didn’t believe her and walked out.  Great job, show.  Anyway, Bridget and Andrew come back to big face apartment, but the big face has been defaced by the word “WHORE.”  That seems wrong.  Siobhan is rich, so “SLUT” would be much more correct.  And I assume there were credits next, but I blinked and missed them.

We’re back at big defaced apartment and the most terrible song ever is playing.  Juliet has had a big party and we’re seeing the remnants of it.  Hey, teenagers who read this recap, here’s a tip: when your parents are out of town, don’t get a keg for your party; it’s much harder to transport and hide if they come back early.  Anyway, Andrew thinks they should all go back to therapy, and if that means I have to hear Andrew and Juliet talk about their feelings, I’ll go with Juliet and say no.

At Gemma’s place, she’s watching home movies of the two couples at a New Year’s Eve party.  Henry returns home and tries to figure out if Siobhan confessed the affair to Gemma, but Gemma plays amateur sleuthing with the video and realizes that Siobhan has some sort of weird scar or something under her wrist that Bridget doesn’t have.  So this many episodes in and the only person who’s figured any shit out isn’t the FBI agent, it’s the … what does Gemma do again?  Isn’t she a real estate agent or something?  An interior designer?  Whatever, she’s not a detective.

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Previously on Ringer: I grew so annoyed with how ridiculous the show was that I was happy that I write these recaps under my initials instead of my real name.  Oh, and Bridget wore a big dress and Siobhan found out she was pregnant, which means she’ll end up needing a big dress too.

We begin at big face apartment where Bridget is returning after a shopping trip.  But even though we learned last week that money equals love, things aren’t all happy in the Ringer version of Manhattan, because Andrew is onto Bridget’s identity-assuming scheme.  He knows about the ID in the bus locker and he knows that Siobhan hates the “Chinese place” that Bridget likes.  Totally busted.  This seems so direct and awkward that I’m going to pause my TiVo and assume that this is all a dream.  So if it is, I’m keeping this in, and if it’s not, I’m deleting it all.  All right, back to the show.  And Bridget sees a weird zombie and it’s a dream.  Boom, nailed it.

Bridget tells non-dream Andrew that she wants to go to the Hamptons for a few days to relax, and Andrew asks why she wants to be alone on her birthday.  Bridget forgot about her birthday?  Come on, dude, she’s a twin, she can’t even get her birthday straight?  You’re terrible at this identity theft thing, Bridge.  Andrew wants to go with her to the Hamptons for her b-day, and Bridget makes some comment about taking the jitney there.  Andrew laughs at this.  Ah, rich people humor.  Like rich people would do anything but take limos everywhere.

Here’s a quick little New York tip: lots of people take the subway.  Like all kinds of people.  You know why?  Because it’s super slow to go in a car in NYC.  That’s why we have those crazy underground trains.  Unless … wait a second, she’s rich.  Why would Siobhan not be carried by servants everywhere?  Man, having lots of money is hilarious.

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Previously on Ringer, I thought the first episode was better than expected, and the second episode was much worse than expected.  You would think that would balance things out, but it didn’t.  Someone on the show also made a body in a chest inexplicably disappear without a trace; also disappearing, my interest in the show.  But that disappearance is hardly inexplicable.

We begin with Bridget flashing back to the entire plot of last week’s show, so it’s kind of like we get two segments of “previously on.”  Well, at least it means less show.  Andrew comes in as Bridget fondles the dead man’s phone and reminds us that Bridget’s supposed to be pregnant (which I forgot again) and lets us know that annoying stepdaughter Juliet is on a plane to Miami.  She must have seen last week’s episode.  He says he has a surprise for her.  Another body in a chest?

Bridget calls Malcolm and gives Bridget a bunch of advice on what to do, since he’s also a fugitive running from the law.  Oh, wait, he’s a community college professor.  So why does he know all this?  Because he’s a character on tv.  Bridget, as she’s trying to figure out how to get to the serial number of the hit man’s cell phone (since that will be important, I guess) recognizes that the picture the hit man had of Siobhan (hate typing that name so much) is one he only could have gotten from Andrew.  Or, you know, if it got posted to Facebook, it’s one anybody could have.  Either way, Bridget thinks that Andrew hired the hit man to kill Siobhan.  4.2 seconds-long credits!

When we get back, Malcolm tells Bridget more on how to conduct an investigation.  Is he a community college professor of covert ops?  Someone asks Malcolm for the time, and apparently it’s clobbering time, because this guy knocks Malcolm out.  He awakens in what looks like a large warehouse attached to a strip club.  Guess who’s back, though, guys?  It’s our #1 glarer, Matawi.  You know what he does?  He glares at Malcolm.  Strong & unexpected work.

Who’s next in our character merry-go-round?  It’s VICTOR MACHADO.  Someone’s apologizing to him for not getting a warrant.  Who dares defy Eyelash Jones??  Blah, blah, blah, we gotta close this case and get Matawi, blah, blah, blah.  I feel like they could’ve mimed this scene and I would’ve gotten the same information.

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Previously on Ringer: I didn’t know what day it was and the CW probably should have thrown the producers a few extra bucks to clean up that boat scene.  That should do it.

We start where we left off, with SMG standing over a dead body.  Bridget calls Malcolm (who’s a professor, ooh fancy) and tells him she shot someone.  I was just going to make fun of her for leaving it on voicemail, but then she deletes it.  Damn you, show, for not letting me mock it.  Bridget goes all Blood Simple in trying to clean up the body, but it’s too late, because her best friend Gemma arrives.  And credits.  They should really trim these down; they just go on and on.

Gemma does another fake freak-out where we think she’s talking about something bad but it turns out to just be rich people problems.  She doesn’t know about the dead body.  Phew.  Gemma confronted her nanny about the affair she may be having with her husband, but it’s a dead-end.  Much like the Gemma character herself.

Bridget goes back to her empty apartment with the giant picture of her twin sister and cleans the place out while a way-too-on-the-nose song plays.  “Who are you really” the singer subtly trills, as Bridget grabs a bunch of her sister’s shit, including an ATM card.  Andrew returns and reminds us that Bridget’s supposed to be pregnant.  Thanks, dude, I had kinda forgotten.

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Ah, the smell of brand new tv shows.  Is there anything like it?

So, let’s talk about Ringer.  There are three reasons I’m watching this show, and those reasons are Sarah, Michelle, and Gellar.  I’m a Buffy fan from way back, and because I have no interest in Scooby Doo sequels or Donnie Darko follow-ups, SMG has been off of my cultural radar for a long time now.  But Buffy is a top ten all-time show for me, so if Sarah Michelle Gellar is back on tv, I’m gonna tune in.  At least for a little while.  All I want really is to see her running, because she’s a more bad-ass runner than anybody on Earth.  Watch her run in a Buffy episode and then watch Tom Cruise run in, say, The Firm.  You’ll laugh at the ridiculousness of the comparison.

What’s Ringer about?  Well, (according to CW press materials) here’s the rundown: “Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a woman who, after witnessing a murder, goes on the run, hiding out by assuming the life of her wealthy identical twin sister – only to learn that her sister’s seemingly idyllic life is just as complicated and dangerous as the one she’s trying to leave behind.”

So let’s dive in, shall we?

In an empty apartment under construction, a masked man with a crowbar is coming after SMG.  She accidentally hits a cd player that plays “I Fall to Pieces.”  He tries to strangle her and she yells out “You have the wrong girl.”  Why doesn’t she just use her slayer powers?  Oh right, I’ve got to remember this is a new show.

And then we go immediately to the catchy Ringer theme song and opening credits which encompasses roughly five seconds and three notes.  We’re a long way from the opening of “Family Ties,” aren’t we?

Forget all that, though, because it’s nine days earlier in Rock Springs, Wyoming.  SMG’s name is Bridget, and she’s an addict.  She has a sister Siobhan who wants her to come visit.  There’s something I love about SMG when she speaks in a dead, tired voice.  It’s really intriguing and she brings a nice world-weariness to her lines.  She flirts with a guy at the meeting, Malcom, her sponsor, and then leaves with Richard Alpert.  I mean, Nestor Carbonell’s character.  He’s prepping her for testifying as a witness to a crime, and then we meet Jimmy, and it’s exposition overload!  Slow down, Ringer!  Also, there’s another guy named Matawi who wants Bridget dead.  Too many new names and people!  Where’s Xander and Giles??

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