Vampire Diaries. C. I don’t know how any of this works, and D. neither do you.

So … this episode was called All My Children, huh?  Well, I shouldn’t have to tell you this, because if you’ve ever come near my recaps, you know how much I love puns.  I LOVE THEM.  You might say they’re … one of my Passions.  And I consider this recap a personal challenge to incorporate as many soap opera puns as I can.  The Soap Opera Pun Challenge will be the Caroline to my Klaus.

This was a good episode, one where everything was focused around one single event, and everyone was involved in that event, and actually, not a lot really HAPPENED, but there was a lot of interaction and a lot of character stuff that was kind of disguised in tension.  As always with this kind of episode, I don’t want to spend a ton of time discussing the plot, because if you’re reading this, you probably watched it and I’d rather spend our time analyzing the characters and what they were up to.  And making soap puns.  You didn’t think I forgot after one paragraph, did you?

Let’s talk about Bonnie first.  Since I’ve embraced my hate of her character, I find it to be less tedious to discuss her.  It’s like I freed myself from some mental prison where I had to like Bonnie.  So basically, I am super pissed at the writers for teasing me with killing her and not doing it!  Ugh, I have bluer balls than both Salvatores combined.  And I felt like the writers were so GLEEFUL about it!  I’m pretty much picturing them in their little dark writer’s room, cackling and rubbing their hands together while standing around a cauldron.  You know.  Like INTERESTING witches.  Also, if they killed Bonnie, I was going to totally forgive them for not wasting time developing her character at all, because hey!  She’s dead!  Dammit, writers!

Instead, Damon turned Abby into a vampire.  I get the impression that I’m supposed to care about this.  Needless to say, I do not.  Caroline almost got me to care slightly that Bonnie is always on the shit end of the Save Elena plots, but only because she’s Caroline.  So, well done on the part of the show to not to leave the “making me care” up to Bonnie.

Man!  I am mean to Bonnie today!  Bad news though … it’s gonna get worse before it gets better it’s over.

Okay.  Picture me talking in my whispering voice now.  You know, the one you use when you want to say something mean or gossipy about your friends, and you want it to sound less harsh than it really is but actually you know you’re being a bitch?  Yeah.  This is happening.  I know we all have DVR, but did any of you guys catch the commercial for Honey 2, staring Kat Graham, which is going straight to DVD?  I mean … the dancing looked cool and I won’t lie to you–I saw all three Step Up movies in the theater and I’d definitely go for a fourth, but that aside, it looks TERRIBLE, and I just feel like someone needs to be like … Oh, HONEY (2).  Also … while I’m using the whispering voice, can someone please tell her to stop being friends with Perez Hilton?

Okay, I’m done.  Regular voice again.

So Alaric was out of the … General Hospital … this week, and he actually accomplished quite a bit in not much screen time.  He had a fancy bromance phone call with Damon, where he called Damon out on having so much Original Sex™, made googly eyes at Meredith, daggered Kol for like five whole seconds, got beat up by Klaus, effortlessly found aspirin in a KITCHEN he’d never been in, poked through medical files, found a murder weapon, and got shot by his new ladyfriend!  That is a LOT OF STUFF.  And as far as we know, Meredith isn’t supernatural, so … is Alaric DEAD?  Our best hope now is that Damon has a sixth sense for when Alaric needs to be filled up with his bodily fluids!  (Which I think he does.)

Alright.  Let’s do the Originals.  Yes.  Let’s DO them.  (Sorry.  I’ve been spending a lot of time on Twitter this week.)  Anyway.  Kol became more interesting to me this week, since he got some personality and found hilarious ways to call Rebekah a slut, which really made me laugh, and he gave Klaus shit about Caroline, and he was just generally pretty alright.  I don’t have any emotional attachment to him, but if he’s going to keep making Klaus smirk, he can stay.  (Or come back, I suppose.)

Finn, however, did not get any more interesting, and we didn’t learn anything new about Esther.

Not a lot actually happened with Klaus this week, save for a very fucking cute scene with Caroline, where she was “dividing and conquering” and sporting unbelievably perfect hair.  I thought it was the WEREWOLF whose hair was perfect?  Or is that only while having a pina colada?  I’m going to need someone to confirm the mythology on that one.  ANYWAY.  (I keep getting distracted.)  Either Caroline is a damn fine actress (possible), or she is being increasingly charmed by Klaus.  You and me both, sister.  My favorite this week was when he dared her to get to talk to him, get to know him, and she asked him what he wanted to talk about and he said, “I want to talk about you.”  OH MY GOD.  I just … There are no words.

“Take a chance, Caroline!”  Yes, Caroline, do!  You do have only … One Life to Live!  (Unless, obviously, you are a vampire, hybrid, witch, doppelganger (assuming Elijah’s potion was legit), or have a magic ring!)

Obviously, I was pissed at Klaus for grabbing Caroline by the arms.  But Caroline can take care of herself, and she didn’t seem hurt, and he stopped when she told him to.  And she WAS involved in the plot to kill them all.  Also … did anyone else kind of feel like she was a little upset at what was happening to him, and a little upset that he was upset with her?  I don’t know.  Something about that scene just read as truly upset, and not fake, going-along-with-the-plan upset.

You know … it’s interesting how the vampire thing changes the boy/girl dynamic.  On this show and on other stuff.  It makes the girl more capable of defending herself, more likely to kick major ass.  It levels that playing field out and makes her less of a delicate flower.  So on the one hand, it seems a little like I’m a woman-hater for not being totally pissed at Klaus for grabbing Caroline, but it actually makes me feel more feminist because I feel like Caroline is as equally badass as Klaus and can handle it.  The vampire factor definitely fucks with normal morals … which we’re definitely going to get to.

Speaking of which, Elijah had a total crisis of conscience in this episode, after Esther called him out, mostly over his hypocrisy.  Rebekah tried to talk him down a little bit, pin the vampire thing on their mom, but as he pointed out, she made them vampires, not monsters.  Um … is someone going the way of The Stefan?  All bunnies all the time?  (Also, please not bunnies.  They’re so cute.)

Okay.  We need to have The Elijah Discussion right now.  And before you just lose your goddamn minds, hear me out, okay?  I … have not necessarily understood the fandom FRENZY over him.  I mean, listen.  That quarters thing was incredibly badass.  He’s ridiculously hot, and his accent is super sexy, and in general, he’s been a good character.  I DO understand the Daniel Gillies love, because he is equally or more hot than Elijah, also has an accent, and seems genuinely delightful and hilarious.  How could you NOT love him? And I DO like Elijah a lot!  Did I not say that he gave Klaus an almost impossible act to follow?  And yet I just … have never felt the love with quite the same INTENSITY.

So last week … I just kind of FORGOT to say anything about Elena totally betraying Elijah.  (Did I say anything?  I forget.  Maybe I did, just not much.)  So I guess this week, it’s fitting to address it, since the show also did.  Listen.  I’m not an Elena fan, except in rare circumstances.  Usually, I’m Elena neutral.  I don’t have enough hate left over for her once I’m done dishing out Bonnie’s share.  But I don’t think Elena was necessarily wrong here.  Elijah has helped them a lot, yes.  But he’s also been a liability and has proven that he’s willing to put Elena in danger if necessary.  So I just don’t really think that the usual morality of being a honest person and not squeezing your blood into champagne really applies here.  Especially when the ways to kill Klaus are EXTREMELY limited.  (Although it appears a new option may have sprouted up.  So to speak.)  And I actually think that Elijah understood all of that, to his credit.  Elijah and Elena have an odd relationship.  I think that there’s a mutual understanding there, and while I don’t think they’ve had the kind of relationship that could necessarily be classified as “liking each other”, I definitely don’t feel like either of them have a beef with the other.  They work together when they can, and they use and abuse each other when they need to, and there never seems to be any hard feelings.  And they maintain some bizarro kind of trust.  It’s actually a really interesting dynamic.

So yeah.  Even though I don’t necessarily flip out over Elijah with the rest of fandom, I do LIKE him a lot and I hope he can stick around.  Also, he earned major points with me for trying to get Bonnie killed.

Now, for the Elena/Original relationship I was REALLY into this week–Rebekah.  Oh, Rebekah.  I am ALL FOR someone being a bitch to Elena.  It’s not like we don’t get enough people kissing Elena’s ass, saving Elena’s life, punching their brother over Elena, etc.  Seriously … WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT ELENA?  She’s sure as hell no Caroline, and she may LOOK like Katherine, but she’s also no Katherine.  I don’t get it.  So yeah, besides being a bitch to Elena, which was awesome, Rebekah was also not being charmed by her, didn’t want to be analyzed by her, and didn’t want her sympathy.  Rebekah just wants to hate her and torture her, teenage girl-style.  You know, by sleeping with one of her two boyfriends and stuff.  I can SO get behind this!  I’m very into bitches right now.  It started with Madeline Stowe on Revenge, I think, but I also enjoy when A on Pretty Little Liars is evil, and in spite of a lot of flaws with Once Upon a Time, Regina is AMAZING.  And Santana is one of the least disappointing parts of Glee.  So if Rebekah can be an unapologetic bitch, I’m so down, and I look forward to much meangirling!

Also, that walk of shame was incredible.  She has to walk home in a BALL GOWN.  Hee!  I mean, good lord.  Didn’t Rose or Katherine or Elena or basically any of the girls who have lived/sexed there leave any clothes behind she could borrow?  Doesn’t Damon have an old t-shirt from a basketball tournament and pair of shorts she could borrow?  I mean, GOD.  But this is Mystic Falls, where even the walk of shame requires formal attire!

Can we also discuss how Rebekah threw gasoline all up in the cave, and all over Elena, who tracked it goddamn everywhere, and then she threw at LEAST two matches in there, one of which was right by Elena’s boot, and she both didn’t catch fire (disappointing) and ignored the conveniently placed pool of water (which, last I heard, is fire retardant, and not just regular retardant, like Elena) AND WALKED TOWARD THE GIRL WITH THE MATCH (typical).  How did this bitch not catch on fire?  I mean … I guess we’re pretending there’s no such thing as science now?

And finally … the Salvatores.  As usual, their world was revolving around Elena, but they had blessedly little interaction with her.  Except for her being all butthurt about Damon fucking Rebekah, and also, SERIOUSLY, ELENA?

As predicted, though, I do like what’s happening with Damon and Stefan.  And they ARE both moving toward a middle ground.  Damon is going back to his bad boy Damon ways, kind of, but he also is experiencing human emotion, and he does have a lot of good in him that he can’t deny.  Meanwhile, Stefan is still being kind of bad, but he’s trying to be good again.  I swear, I DIED when he said that the last human blood he had had was after almost driving Elena off the Wickery Bridge.  That was … intense.  And I love how Damon is keeping an eye on Stefan and trying to help him out.  I mean, granted, it’s by doing things like turning Abby Bennett into a vampire (and nice callback to the mythology point that you can’t be both a witch and a vampire), but it’s help nonetheless.  Also?  Selfishly, I want impulsive, kind of bad Damon back.  I say it all the time, I know, but when he said, “It’s for the best.  I’m better at being the bad guy anyway,” I got SO EXCITED.  Be him, Damon!

Now, there’s one more thing that I’ve been marinating on all week.  After the last episode, I read more recaps than I usually do, and several of them mentioned how awful Elena was, and how gross it was for her to go chasing after Stefan after everything that’s happened, and all the shit he’s done to people she loved and to her directly.  And I read that, and I sort of agreed with it, but then I was like … why did I not notice this?  Was I just so blinded by the Klaus and Caroline amazingness that all of this completely escaped me?

And here’s the other thing.  The Grammys really pissed me off last week.  I find it offensive on every level that Chris Brown was allowed to perform and given awards … it really fucking pisses me off that he’s allowed in public at all, that people keep putting him in movies and producing his records.  Like I just … there are a lot of things that make me weep for humanity, you know, but this just makes me feel so disgusted with society, so much so that it’s almost unbearable.  There’s a small amount of reprieve at least in how much twitter hates him, and I just hope that it catches on.  Like … I want to get to the point where not only do we need to constantly remind people of how fucking gross he is, but that we never have to hear his name again.  And if you want to read a perfect article on WHY he’s so offensive, you should check this out.  (Also, the swearing is tres creative, which I respect.)

So I don’t want to be so outraged over something like that and in the same week overlook some terrible message to girls, you know?  And I do very much understand that one is something horrible that happened in real life, and the other is fictional characters, but messages are messages.  So I wanted to really think about that.  And here’s what I decided.

Vampire Diaries is really not a show for kids, and I know that it gets compared to Twilight a lot, but I don’t necessarily think it’s even appropriate for say, twelve-year-olds.  And that’s a huge compliment to the show.  The morality on TVD is very complicated and subtle, and if someone doesn’t have a fully formed sense of self and right and wrong and how people should be treated in relationships, they shouldn’t be learning it from this show (or TV at all, actually, but that’s a whole other thing).  I know that TVD doesn’t have a TV-M rating or the kind of reputation that, say, True Blood has, but just because they can’t say the fuck word or show tits doesn’t mean that the subject matter isn’t adult because it is.  It’s very morally ambiguous, and I LOVE that.  It’s what makes it SUCH good TV.

And TVD isn’t required or even obligated to set a good example.  It doesn’t claim that it does and it’s not trying to, and I don’t want it to.  While everyone does, as Rebekah pointed out, bend over backwards to save Elena, I don’t feel like the show tries to convince the audience of her perfection (compared with, say, Lana Lang on Smallville).  And actually, no one on the show at all has been portrayed as perfect (with the possible exception of Caroline, or is that just in my heart?).  It’s a story-telling choice, and whether a character is making a right or a wrong choice, I think that artistically, the show should be free to do that.

All that aside?  I read enough to know that this will be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t fault Elena for pursuing Stefan.  And you can definitely disagree with me on this, and I welcome you to discuss it in the comments.  But this is where that whole issue comes in with vampire morality, and how it definitely changes things.  You guys.  If Elena was my real life friend and Stefan was her human boyfriend, and he had done the human equivalent of these things to Elena, say … hit her instead of bite her, told her he didn’t love her, recreated the most traumatic event of her life to get a reaction out of her … OF COURSE I’d be horrified for my friend and call it an abusive relationship and tell her to get the hell away from him.  I DEFINITELY would.

But this is an entirely different realm and there are different circumstances.  When Stefan bit Elena, he was compelled.  To me, and there was disagreement on this from the very beginning, but to me, anything that he did while compelled to turn off his humanity is 100% not his fault.  Under his own faculties and normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have done those things.  It doesn’t make sense to me to blame him for those actions, but I’ve already agreed to disagree, more or less, on that point.  After the compulsion, when he was in revenge mode, that stuff is harder to justify, yes.  The bridge incident was particularly awful.  But we know that, in this world, vampires (up to a certain age), are capable of shutting off their emotions, which is what Stefan was doing because he couldn’t stand the guilt.  It’s weak, yes, but it’s understandable and there’s an underlying sense of conscience there.  He did get focused to a fault on taking Klaus down, but that also came form a place of hate for Klaus for what he turned Stefan into, which was the exact opposite of what he had chosen for himself.  Stefan’s emotions on all of this are very complex, which I’m actually really impressed with the show for not shying away from.

But Elena’s feelings are complex too.  You can tell that she doesn’t look at Stefan the same way, but her love for him is still there, and why wouldn’t it be?  Stefan did a lot for her, and they went through a lot together, and the reason that they were pulled apart was beyond both of their control.  It’s hard to NOT have star-crossed lover syndrome in that scenario.  I’m sure that to Elena, when she looks at Stefan, he is still in a lot of ways the Stefan that he used to be.  She wants that back, and it’s hard to blame her.  And yes, she WAS on the receiving end of (probably) the shittiest thing he’s done since he was freed from compulsion.  But Elena has always been very forgiving and there have been a lot of extenuating circumstances around all of this.

So … within the universe of the show, where vampires exist and kind of have their own … wiring, for lack of a better term, and given the history and what we know of the characters?  Yeah.  I’m okay with it.  Especially given that I’m an adult and am not “learning” from this show.  That said, if someone saw that and didn’t want their teenage daughter to watch it, that’s a decision that I would respect.  Way more than two cents, but there you go.

I’ve gone on for way too long, but we’ve got an entire month before the next new episode, and there’s plenty to discuss here, so let’s get started on it!  I appreciate you sticking with me to the end, knowing how Young and Restless you all are (just trying to squeeze in a couple more here at the end … that’s what she said), so just a few final favorite quotes and random thoughts, and then it’s all yours in the comments.

• “This house has enough men rolling around in it.”  ”Just like you, Bekah!”
• Stefan was writing in an actual diary!  On The Vampire DIARIES!  Way to represent!
• “Or maybe, for once, something I did had nothing to do with you.”  Suck it, Elena.
• You can be sure that the little pool of water in the cave is no coincidence.  It’s way too specific for this show to just never turn up again.
• “Oh, how super specific of you.”  (Damon’s delivery of that line killed me.)
• Where did Esther and Finn go?

Okay, I’m done.  Like I said, take it to the comments and feel free to agree, disagree, talk about other stuff, share your theories, point out stuff I missed, etc.  Leave me a bunch of Bold and Beautiful comments!  (Yeah, it doesn’t really work … at all … but it was the last one and I’m totally exhausted, so.)  Remember what I always tell you–bloggers are paid in comments and RT love only (at least around here), and since I have a month to go, I’m gonna need a LOT of love from you guys.  Lay it on me, friends!