Modern Family. That game exists; it’s called alcoholism.

Is it weird that I kind of feel like it’s a treat that there was actually a new episode of Modern Family last night? I feel like there have been so many off weeks. But whatever because last night was new. And though I found some of the jokes kind of predictable, the delivery of the punch lines got me every time. It was genuinely a very funny episode. Sometimes I feel like I forget just how funny this show can be. Like this scene:

God, I love Phil.

Anyway, so last night’s common theme was children, and more than that, it was about how children are pretty much perfect just the way they are. Awww. That sounds really corny, but it was actually done in a really subtle way, and I didn’t actually realize that was the theme until just now as I was writing that sentence. So let’s split up the story lines and get to recapping.

First, we’ll talk about Jay, Gloria and Manny because you all know how much I dislike Manny so let’s just get him out of the way. Jay talks to some neighbor kids (or more likely the parents) who want Manny to come play football with them. Marco is trying to get theater tickets for him, Gloria and Manny, but Jay lies to him that Manny already has plans to play football – and lord does this boy need football. Jay doesn’t approve that Manny is basically an old man, and I totally agree with this one. I mean, I support letting your kids be who they are, but I will tell you this, future kids. If you are anywhere as annoying as Manny, though I know you won’t be because I’ll be your mom and I’m awesome, but if you are, I may have to sell you for concert tickets or something (because you know by the time I have kids that shit will be outrageous). But because Jay is a far better person than I, he forces Manny to play football with some friendly neighborhood kids instead of spending more time with his mother. Like collecting lucky pennies so they can buy a lucky lottery ticket.

So Manny plays, and he actually catches the ball and runs it down the field, which is a lot more than I expected him to do. But of course, he stops mid-field to pick up lucky penny #100 – now they can buy the ticket! But Manny also gets tackled, and we next seem him in a motorized wheelchair. And, holy hell. While Jay and Gloria are in the foreground arguing about how to raise Manny (football vs. more time with Mommy) because she found out Jay lied about the theater tickets, Manny is in the background trying to pull a 27-point turn in the kitchen and he’s running into everything. I actually laughed at this part. Maybe it’s just me, but Manny is at his funniest when physical humor is involved. Like in the episode where he was trying to stretch to get taller and the weighted helmet made him fall against the wall. If this is all Manny did for the rest of forever, I’d be happy. I’m tired of hearing about his tea parties.

Anyway, at the end, Jay realizes the error of his ways, and as they’re counting the pennies, he pockets a few so Manny things they need to keep going. Jay realizes the importance of Gloria and Manny’s actually very sweet relationship, so he allows them to have their penny gave for a little while longer. Gloria realizes what he does, and she forgives him. Awww. It was really cute.

This week, Mitchell and Cam’s and Clair and Phil’s story lines were pretty closely linked for most of the episode. Phil is showing a house to Mitchell and Cam’s friends Steven and Stefan. He’s shown them this particular house several times already, but they’re not sure about it. Meanwhile, both parents had to run out of the house, the kids were left on their own accidentally – each in a potentially dangerous situation. Haley dropped marbles on the floor in the kitchen while Alex was holding a shitton of plates, and Luke and his lice-infested friend were going upstairs to reanimate a squirrel. Amazing. Claire thought Phil was home with them so when she calls to check in, Phil tells Steven and Stefan it’s his boss – which I’m sure he actually meant, and wasn’t trying to make it seem like he was talking to his real boss. But through the magic of overhearing only one side of the conversation, Steven and Stefan think Phil is going to sell the house to “Luke and Leon” and S&S won’t stand for that. They buy the house.

Later, at Mitchell and Cam’s, Steven and Stefan basically have the perfect life. They have a house and a baby that’s all theirs because they had it through a surrogate. Mitchell and Cam are jealous, but they don’t know about surrogates because one of them will always be the father, and the other won’t. Steven tells them about “the swirl” which is kind of gross on a base level, especially when Cam likens it to icing on a cupcake. I will never look at cupcakes the same way again. But basically the swirl is that they’d mix their batter and fertilize the egg and one of them will be the father, but they will never know who. That’s what Steven and Stefan did and they have a beautiful baby… who… looks like a completely different ethnicity than either of them. So that’s fun.

When Claire gets home in a panic, she realizes that none of the kids are dead, and that they’re actually pretty resourceful. They cleaned up the mess and Alex kept Luke from electrocuting a dead squirrel. Claire marvels at how the children’s traits are such reflections of the parents, it’s heartwarming. Haley and Luke’s methods of problem solving are Phil’s, and Alex’s control is Claire’s. “Sometimes I worry no one is going to like Alex.” Haha, aww. But so she realizes that she makes pretty good babies, so in a drunken dinner with Phil, Mitchell and Cam, she drunkenly proposes that she donate the egg for their baby so it will have Mitchell andCam as parents. And it’s very sweet, and they all drunkenly agree that it’s the BEST. DECISION. EVER. Morning-after Phil and morning-after Claire, hungover and disheveled, realized that this probably isn’t a good idea.Cam is, predictably, very much for it. He even found a website where you can mashup people’s pictures to see what their kids would look like. Cam & Claire’s kid is precious, Gloria & Cam’s kid looks eerily like Manny, and Cam & Justin Timberlake’s kid looks like… a baby. Mitchell doesn’t like the idea either though.

Later at the family brunch, when the plan spills to the other family members, there are mixed feelings. Alex and Haley think it’s really great, but Jay and Gloria are horrified, though Gloria supports them if that’s what they want. “It’s a freakshow, but it’s THEIR freakshow.” Claire and Mitchell retreat to under the table and reveal that they’re both against it for various reason. Jay peeks his head under and asks if they’re really going to do it, and I love how they’re both like “SO WHAT IF WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND IT’S A BEAUTIFUL THING?” But they won’t.

Later at home, Mitchell and Cam are okay with not having an amalgamation baby. They look in on Lily playing in her room and realize that even if she’s not a biological child, she is already a perfect combination of both of them, given her wild clothing and the way she is meticulously organizing her Play-doh. Awww.

Random Thoughts/Quotes

• “It’s famous Danny from Moonstruck. AIELLO!” Oh, Phil. Never change.
• “Commission Impossible. Maybe for some people.” and “Commission Accomplished!”
• “How do you decide who will – where’s Lily?” “Sleeping.” “Ice the cupcake?” “That you couldn’t say in front of Lily?” “Well, then she’d want a cupcake.”
• When Claire comes in and is glad no one is dead, Luke says “Or… we’re ALL dead.” The look on Haley’s face. Oh, god. I can’t.
• “I’m playing a new drinking game. It’s called: every time I’m depressed I take a drink.” “That game exists; it’s called alcoholism.”
• “Guys, I make really good babies. I have like magic eggs or something.”
• Morning-after Phil remembering what they decided at dinner: “Sweet potato fries!” (I love all of Phil’s exclamations. “Chicken in a basket!” from the episode with the tightrope is still my favorite though.)
• “I get drunk and I just bring a baby into the world??” “That would be four for four.”
• “Say hello to Aunt Mommy.” “Adorable!” “No, not adorable. Appalachian.” (Recapper’s note: Okay, at first I didn’t know that’s what he said because to me, it will always be pronounced App-ahh-laah-chin. Like how it’s pronounced THERE. I thought he said “appellation.” You can see my confusion, haha. But still. LOL!)
• Is Luke’s hatred of Lily something new? I have never noticed before, but it had me cracking up: “Because Lily’s such a mess?” and “But can we agree she’s a disastrous human being?” What does that even mean?
• “I’ve always wanted a half-brother/half-cousin.” “Really? Always?”
• The tag was amazing.Camand Mitchell did their own kid mashup, which apparently was horrendous. Their reaction and Lily screaming was great. I really love this new Lily. “We played God, and look what we brought forth!”

So, what did everyone think about the episode? Was it another solid effort? Did they hit it out of the park? What were your favorite quotes? If I missed your favorite be sure to leave it in the comments. Am I the only person who didn’t know Luke hated Lily? So, put the icing on the cupcake and join me in the comments for discussion!