New Girl. There are youths everywhere.

Hey guys, it’s Stephanie. Don’t worry you didn’t accidentally click on a Happy Endings post. I’m filling in for Bethany this week because she leads a much more exciting life than I. In fact, I imagine this week’s adventure, which is keeping her from her recapping duties, involves a roller rink, glitter, penguin bowling, and a Spice Girls drag queen cover band. Hey, she lives in New York so it’s possible. Anyway, if I get to score the lottery with New Girl episodes like the one last night when I cover for her, I’m going to demand she go out in the world like the brave little toaster she is more often. Seriously y’all, it’s like the writers knew they had to bring their A game this week. Add in Ryan Kwanten, aka goofy Jason Stackhouse from True Blood, along with dorky Valentine’s Day stereotypical scenarios and you have yourself a winner. Let’s discuss!

As I just said this week’s episode not only aired on Valentine’s Day but also centered on the holiday where you gift crazy sex to to your significant other…or a random person… or blow up dolls. Really let’s just go with the object of your desire because nowadays people have sex with cars and I don’t want to discriminate against any kind love. Anyway the Four Musketeers had their own ways going about celebrating the holiday. Nick and Winston had lady friends to swoon while Jess and Schmidt planned to get some strange. Their words, not mine- just saying. What transpired had me going OH MY GOD purely in relation to the guest stars who were phenomenal this week. Seriously, they put the regulars to shame, except for Max Greenfield, whose Schmidtisms totally won the night.

All in all the episode was kind of all over the place with storylines so the best place to start is with the one that had the least going on, which of course involves Winston. Also Winston is my favorite and I wanted to put him first to bitch about a few things that the writers are doing to my beloved. Guys, I don’t know if it’s because Damon Wayans Jr being on Happy Endings totally fucked up the game plan for the series or what but I feel like the writers have no fucking clue what to do with the Winston character. Occasionally we get little gems of Winston’s awesomeness, like the bell episode or the Christmas episode with the kid, but most of the time Winston is just thrown aside until the writers remember that they need to use him. Last night was a prime example of this. They could have done a ton of hilarious shit with Winston as he tries to reconnect with his ex-booty call Shelby but instead they played the ‘act like one of the girls’ card and gave him maybe a total of 10 minutes screen time.

THIS is my biggest problem with New Girl because unlike Happy Endings this show does a fucking poor ass job of incorporating ALL its main characters into the theme of the week. If anything, HE has taught us that it is possible to give every one of its ensemble cast members their own equal amount of hilarious storylines each week. Sure I may be biased in my comparisons but it doesn’t matter because it’s fucking true. The point is New Girl writers STOP HOLDING WINSTON DOWN AND GIVE HIM WHAT HE’S WORTH DAMMIT! If the character sucked I’d be tooting a different trombone (I like to get specific with my horns) but the Winston character does not suck and Lamorne Morris, who plays him, does an amazing job with the little amount of material he is given. Okay I feel like I’m to enter rage black out territory over my Winston issues so I think it’s time to move onto the other apartment tenants.While Winston was getting up close and personal with his blackheads (is that racist since he’s black? Also do black people even get blackheads because they always seem to have flawless skin), Nick and Julia decided to go all out on Valentine’s Day this year and embrace the corniness complete with heart boxers and light up heart antennas. Y’all they are so adorable and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Lizzy Caplan. I want to keep her forever. Sadly, I don’t think we’re going to get to because despite their best attempts to do V-Day up right her work just kept getting in the way. I can see this becoming a major wedge issue in their relationship but until it does, lets enjoy the cuteness right now.

I couldn’t be too mad about Julia arguing with her Asian counterpart as Americans love their spring rolls so it’s important that she resolved what legal matter might have kept those imports from coming. Priorities y’all. Also it allowed Nick and Julia’s intern (Clark Duke aka Dale from motherfucking GREEK!) to have a man date in the office complete with bubbly and story swaps featuring human vs rooster cock fighting. All in all, I think it was the best date of the series so far even if it did end with Nick unintentionally convincing Dale to give up his dream of being a lawyer to become a self-made bartender himself… or that’s what I choosing to believe his new dream is at least.

This leaves us with the Schmidt/Jess combo complete with a side of fried brain on ‘shrooms. So the basic gist of this storyline was that Jess was fucking horny and decided the best thing to do was to go out and get some man meat. Naturally, she recruits Schmidt to be her wingman because, you know, she’s awkward as fuck with the opposite gender. I really wish Schmidt would have given her a dildo valentine so we didn’t have to witness the creepy making out between her and Ryan Kwanten. Seriously, who makes out that long when all you want to do is fuck each other’s brains out and leave before the cock rises, literally and metaphorically?

Anyway, we did learn that Schmidt is deeply concerned with the youths of America and their delinquent ways during this series of events. Oh Schmidt never change. Additionally, I really love the CeCe/Schmidt dynamic in the show. She’d totally be the dominatrix to his submissive and that is something I want to see. And oh hey, did y’all notice that CeCe’s mellow mushroom man was the dude that shot Caroline Forbes in the head? Yeah, I’ll still never forgive him for that but him belly swinging on the tire swing yelling, ‘I love brown people!’ had me laughing super hard. Also this happened: