New Girl. There are youths everywhere.

Do you think this is too much for the rave later?

Hey guys, it’s Stephanie. Don’t worry you didn’t accidentally click on a Happy Endings post. I’m filling in for Bethany this week because she leads a much more exciting life than I. In fact, I imagine this week’s adventure, which is keeping her from her recapping duties, involves a roller rink, glitter, penguin bowling, and a Spice Girls drag queen cover band. Hey, she lives in New York so it’s possible. Anyway, if I get to score the lottery with New Girl episodes like the one last night when I cover for her, I’m going to demand she go out in the world like the brave little toaster she is more often. Seriously y’all, it’s like the writers knew they had to bring their A game this week. Add in Ryan Kwanten, aka goofy Jason Stackhouse from True Blood, along with dorky Valentine’s Day stereotypical scenarios and you have yourself a winner. Let’s discuss!

As I just said this week’s episode not only aired on Valentine’s Day but also centered on the holiday where you gift crazy sex to to your significant other…or a random person… or blow up dolls. Really let’s just go with the object of your desire because nowadays people have sex with cars and I don’t want to discriminate against any kind love. Anyway the Four Musketeers had their own ways going about celebrating the holiday. Nick and Winston had lady friends to swoon while Jess and Schmidt planned to get some strange. Their words, not mine- just saying. What transpired had me going OH MY GOD purely in relation to the guest stars who were phenomenal this week. Seriously, they put the regulars to shame, except for Max Greenfield, whose Schmidtisms totally won the night.

All in all the episode was kind of all over the place with storylines so the best place to start is with the one that had the least going on, which of course involves Winston. Also Winston is my favorite and I wanted to put him first to bitch about a few things that the writers are doing to my beloved. Guys, I don’t know if it’s because Damon Wayans Jr being on Happy Endings totally fucked up the game plan for the series or what but I feel like the writers have no fucking clue what to do with the Winston character. Occasionally we get little gems of Winston’s awesomeness, like the bell episode or the Christmas episode with the kid, but most of the time Winston is just thrown aside until the writers remember that they need to use him. Last night was a prime example of this. They could have done a ton of hilarious shit with Winston as he tries to reconnect with his ex-booty call Shelby but instead they played the ‘act like one of the girls’ card and gave him maybe a total of 10 minutes screen time.

THIS is my biggest problem with New Girl because unlike Happy Endings this show does a fucking poor ass job of incorporating ALL its main characters into the theme of the week. If anything, HE has taught us that it is possible to give every one of its ensemble cast members their own equal amount of hilarious storylines each week. Sure I may be biased in my comparisons but it doesn’t matter because it’s fucking true. The point is New Girl writers STOP HOLDING WINSTON DOWN AND GIVE HIM WHAT HE’S WORTH DAMMIT! If the character sucked I’d be tooting a different trombone (I like to get specific with my horns) but the Winston character does not suck and Lamorne Morris, who plays him, does an amazing job with the little amount of material he is given. Okay I feel like I’m to enter rage black out territory over my Winston issues so I think it’s time to move onto the other apartment tenants.While Winston was getting up close and personal with his blackheads (is that racist since he’s black? Also do black people even get blackheads because they always seem to have flawless skin), Nick and Julia decided to go all out on Valentine’s Day this year and embrace the corniness complete with heart boxers and light up heart antennas. Y’all they are so adorable and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Lizzy Caplan. I want to keep her forever. Sadly, I don’t think we’re going to get to because despite their best attempts to do V-Day up right her work just kept getting in the way. I can see this becoming a major wedge issue in their relationship but until it does, lets enjoy the cuteness right now.

I couldn’t be too mad about Julia arguing with her Asian counterpart as Americans love their spring rolls so it’s important that she resolved what legal matter might have kept those imports from coming. Priorities y’all. Also it allowed Nick and Julia’s intern (Clark Duke aka Dale from motherfucking GREEK!) to have a man date in the office complete with bubbly and story swaps featuring human vs rooster cock fighting. All in all, I think it was the best date of the series so far even if it did end with Nick unintentionally convincing Dale to give up his dream of being a lawyer to become a self-made bartender himself… or that’s what I choosing to believe his new dream is at least.

This leaves us with the Schmidt/Jess combo complete with a side of fried brain on ‘shrooms. So the basic gist of this storyline was that Jess was fucking horny and decided the best thing to do was to go out and get some man meat. Naturally, she recruits Schmidt to be her wingman because, you know, she’s awkward as fuck with the opposite gender. I really wish Schmidt would have given her a dildo valentine so we didn’t have to witness the creepy making out between her and Ryan Kwanten. Seriously, who makes out that long when all you want to do is fuck each other’s brains out and leave before the cock rises, literally and metaphorically?

Anyway, we did learn that Schmidt is deeply concerned with the youths of America and their delinquent ways during this series of events. Oh Schmidt never change. Additionally, I really love the CeCe/Schmidt dynamic in the show. She’d totally be the dominatrix to his submissive and that is something I want to see. And oh hey, did y’all notice that CeCe’s mellow mushroom man was the dude that shot Caroline Forbes in the head? Yeah, I’ll still never forgive him for that but him belly swinging on the tire swing yelling, ‘I love brown people!’ had me laughing super hard. Also this happened:

Turns out Jess changed her mind after a pep talk with Schmidt and decided his Twirling stick was the best one to take a ride on... before she got busted by Nick.

But most importantly this happened:

SCHMIDT AND CECE FUCKED!!!

Overall, I really did like this episode, especially the Schmidt parts, but as I said earlier it could have used more Winston. Anyway, that’s it for me this week. I’m sure y’all are looking forward to having Bethany back because she does a lot better job than I do on this show. Show me that you read this piece recap goodness by leaving comments below.

Top Quotes:

  • “Can I have your cherry?”- Super dirty context in relation to the night’s theme.
  • “A hundred condoms? Are you going to have sex with an army?”
  • “I got the dirty twirls Schmidty!”
  • “Spoiler alert, it’s his penis.”
  • “I’m like a Dominican teenager playing little league. It’s just not fair to everybody else.”

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  • http://twitter.com/hockeybychoice hockeybychoice

    “I got the dirty twirls Schmidty” made me laugh so hard I had to pause. I will forever use this reference.

    Honestly, Schmidt just keeps getting better and better. He’s really making the show a must see for me. LOVE him and Cece together and I hope they don’t gloss over the consequences of that in the next few episodes like it never happened. Cause it could get real good ya’ll.

    The Nick stuff with the little downward spiral flashbacks was pretty funny. A nice little inside look into this character, which we really don’t know all that much about. I do worry about how long Lizzy’s going to be around though. EEee! She’s awesome but I can see how their opposite work attitude could get between them.

    Love seeing Ryan Kwanten but was disappointed that he was basically playing Jason Stackhouse. As much as I love stupid Jason, I was hoping for something a bit more.

    Where the fuck did Jess even get that box of condoms? Does Costco sell that shit?

  • onlymystory

    @hockeybychoice Hee, I was totally laughing over the fact that Ryan was playing Jason Stackhouse, except on a show without vampires, but the show still mentioned vampires. That probably only makes sense to me but I was laughing.

  • sjopierce

    @onlymystory @hockeybychoice Poor Ryan Kwanten will now forever be typecast as the dumb, hot dude. At least his abs are pretty to look at.

    Also I loved Nick’s cockfighting flashback. It was primo hilarious but can we thrown Nick aside and keep Lizzy forever because I fucking love that bitch!

  • clrumbaugh

    This is the first episode of New Girl that I ever watched, and it was pretty funny. Yes, I tuned in just for Ryan Kwanten, but other parts were funny too, which was a very pleasant surprise. My aversion to Zooey’s adorkableness is no secret. But I was impressed.

    The part that made me laugh the hardest, besides the line used as the title of the recap, was when Ryan (I don’t know what his character’s name was) was going on and on about his tacos. And one of them had avocados AND cheese. OH THE HUMANITY!

  • sjopierce

    @clrumbaugh Not going to lie, I totally planned to devote an entire paragraph to Ryan’s love of taco because I loved it but as you know yesterday was NOT a good day for me.

    New Girl is pretty funny but I have issues with it at times. Thank god for Schmidt and Winston (and Lizzy Caplan as long as she’s on it) because they make the episodes for me.

  • http://twitter.com/phouse1964 Patty Housel

    I have watched this episode 5 times.  I admit it.  I am now behind of tons of shit. But a box of 100 condoms?  Hilarious.

    Also hilarious?  POUND TOWN.  I laugh every time.  Seriously.

    I though Ryan was the weakest link but over all, this episode was 9 for me.  It just keeps getting better.

    I really want Winston to become a manny for that Christmas kid.  

    I also think it was a really smart move to have Schmidt and Cece sleep together now. It will be totally awkward for weeks.  Hopefully.  Plus secret love.

    “Spoiler alert, it’s his penis.”  <<<< still laughing.

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