This was one of those episodes where a bunch of things ALMOST happened, but nothing actually did.  Caleb almost got busted with school files on his computer (planted by A), Aria and Ezra almost got caught by the VERY stealthy, VERY inconspicuous Weeping Poet Dad, the girls almost found out who was stalking Allie, and Maya almost smoked a joint. Can you say SCANDAL??

I get that Aria is grounded, but why do she and Holden have to be together in order to leave their respective houses? Can’t Holden just say he’s working on a group project at the library so he can get to his [generic martial art] rehearsal?  The library thing is a classic ‘go out on a weeknight’ excuse for a reason.  I forgot what the sport was called the minute he said it and I’m not looking it up, but I’m 99% sure it was ‘Kokomo’ like the Beach Boys’ song, so I’m going with that.

And while we’re on the subject, there is no way in spoiled teenager hell that my parents would have driven me an hour away and back once or twice a week just because my boyfriend ‘preferred hanging out in the city’.  Oh, and also, Holden has a heart condition called Dramatic Arterial Plot Device-itis – it’s characterized by the sufferer being completely healthy until his heart gives out at the worst, most poignant moment possible.  This condition is why he has to hide his love of Kokomo from his parents and why he needs Aria to beard him.  Aria was so worried about Holden getting kicked in the solar plexus that she even cancelled her plans with Ezra, which sounded horrible.  Ew, vegan French food. If there’s a cuisine made for the vegan lifestyle, it’s definitely the one with a billion cream sauces for sure.

Almost immediately after Ezra made those gross plans, A left a note on Weeping Poet Dad’s car letting him know exactly where his precious daughter would be that evening.  At first I thought I was all slick connecting the typewritten letter with the old-timey typewriter in Ezra’s apartment, but then he showed up at the restaurant and almost got busted, so it couldn’t have been him. Damn.  I want evil Ezra SOOOO BADLY.  The only other option I will settle for is his very gruesome, and very final, death.  Do you hear me, show?  But hey – at least we got a chance to witness Weeping Poet Dad in surveillance mode – are we sure he isn’t an actual spy you guys?

The Bourne Cry-dentity

It’s kind of hilarious that Spencer has been avoiding her house so that she won’t have to see her parents when we all know that’s the LAST place they’d be. I’m pretty sure that the family has decided to just move on without her and hasn’t gotten around to telling her yet. But obviously her dad was there juuuust long enough for them to have a conversation, in which Spencer just straight-up asked some actual questions for once. It hit me that Spencer’s dad bears a striking resemblance to Caleb – maybe half the kids in Rosewood are half-Hastings.

Paige reference! When the swim team was watching the replay of the meet at Hanna’s party (because obviously they did that), I definitely heard Emily mention Paige’s name.  I guess she’s been spending a lot of time in the Secret Boy Cave or something because I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen her for like a year. Compared to her, Aria’s brother Mike is practically the star of the show.  But the fact that they’re reminding us that she’s alive must mean we’ll be seeing her again, right?

Maya was sad because her parents found an old joint in her room and now she might have to back to True North, blah blah blah.  I don’t care.  Emily is sad, but she’ll get over it.  But then she caught Maya about to smoke an actual joint and Em gave her a very disappointed stern face. What an evil, evil person Maya is.  But okay, she is pretty evil, just not for that reason.  She pulled the ‘dramatic girlfriend’ card and asked Emily to run away to San Francisco with her so she wouldn’t have to go back to druggie boot camp and then stormed off when Emily said she couldn’t.  Whatadouche.  Please let that mean that she’s about to disappear or get killed.  PLEASE. Speaking of Maya, she and Jason were talking all friendly-like in the street by an apple cart. What’s up with that? Is he her weed dealer?  Given his burnout reputation, this is a possibility.

Detective Douche (his actual last name is Wilden, and I swear in all the time I’ve covered this show, I feel like I’ve never heard it before) is back, yet again, this time to interrogate Caleb about his computer and Hanna about a picture taken by the security cam by the morgue showing Hanna, Spencer and Aria dressed as candy stripers.  Remember the missing PAGE 5?  Well, Wilden is on the case, and Garrett is looking nervous, which is enjoyable.

The douche factor in this room just got cranked to eleven.

The girls also met with the guy from the phone last week, who Vivian Darkbloom had offered to pay to tell her who was sending the threatening texts (he works at a phone company or something).  He found out, but she never paid, so the girls have to come up with $2,000 to get him to talk.  Spencer asked her new bro Jason for the cash.

That’s pretty much it – overall, it was a teense bit boring actually.  But the computer hacking/race to open the Hefty file was pretty fun.  Oh, and Caleb’s password includes the date he and Hanna got busy in a tent, followed by an an exclamation point. Awwww.

The Glovey Shot™: A pretty simple shot, just someone lurking in the bushes and watching Emily through a window.  I feel like we’ve seen a version of the ‘someone watching from the darkness’ scene about 23 times already on this show, so it’s hard to get too worked up about it.  Sorry, Em, hope you don’t get killed!

Check out the promos for next week (can you guys believe that this was episode 20 and there are still FIVE WHOLE EPISODES left this season?  Episodes like last night are a good argument for trimming the order next year – I’d rather 20 fast-paced and exciting eps per year than a longer, more drawn-out season.  Just saying.  So, check out the promos (Aria falls down in both of them!), and then hit the comments with new theories, complaints, favorite moments, etc.

US Promo:

Canadian Promo: