The above video has next to nothing to do with the post. I just think its fun. So I shared.

This recap has been planned to be the final Once Upon a Time recap here at OCTV for a couple weeks now. I know I’ve been frustrated with the show for a while now and it seems most of our readers have too. If you’re one of those readers who’s joined us more recently, you should know how excited I was about this show when it first started. The entire concept thrilled me and I loved the first few episodes. I was especially impressed with all the extra symbolism and easter egg bits thrown in. Then Graham died. Now, I think there were some other issues earlier but they were more easily overlooked. While I, and most of the people I know, were upset about Graham’s death, we assumed it had a purpose. It was episode seven, after all, so now Emma or some other Storybrooke resident would start growing suspicious, right? Unfortunately everyone has thus far acted like Graham’s death by heart attack at the age of 30 (or around there) is totally normal and that the mayor, who had been threatening Graham at the time, is under no suspicion. And things have simply gone downhill since then.

That brings us to tonight’s episode, focused around Beauty & the Beast. I know I said earlier that this was going to be the last recap (and it is) but I was still hoping that something would happen to kick the story into gear. Something to give me a reason to stick around.

Sorry to disappoint ya’ll, but that ain’t happening. I’m nearly seeing red over this episode, in fact. I found the David and Mary Margaret stuff to be a silly obstacle that doesn’t make sense. It also feels like we’re now getting a very different David then we were introduced to. And since his brother died some time ago in fairytale land, I doubt they’ve somehow switched places. With his character and that of Mary Margaret, the character assassination just grows and both actors are better than their current story lines. I also don’t understand the choice to make a seemingly big reveal about Mr. Gold knowing the secret in Storybrooke. As far as I was concerned (and I think ya’ll can back me up) we’ve been aware that Gold knew what was going on for several episodes now. If felt like we were supposed to get excited and think now things are getting started but we didn’t actually get any new knowledge. It’s like your friend telling you a secret and you telling them that’s currently trending on twitter. It’s not even news at this point, it’s small talk.

Of course, my true frustration came in the Beauty and the Beast story. Granted, this story in any form is a perfect tale of Stockholm Syndrome. So Belle, who of course falls for the beast who holds her captive, is a prime example. I don’t think that’s a story that tells well (at least not on a serious level) in a forty minute episode but it was told horribly here. I’m rather baffled at the decision to use Stiltsie as the beast (yes, I knew it was coming, but still) or the decision to make her father rich. Actually I’m at a loss for most of this story. I’m truly raging at the way they have Belle hail from Avonlea. That is Anne Shirley’s stomping ground and no fairytale princess is allowed to overrun it with mother fucking ogres. In fact, the only fictional character that I would ever allow to suddenly claim a connection to Avonlea is Cordelia Chase.

I’ve tried several times now to recap the episode but each time I go off in a red-haired induced rage over the Avonlea business for several pages and lose my train of thought. Suffice to say, I didn’t like the episode. So, since this is the final recap, I thought I’d do something a little different. Instead, I’m just going to recap the original Beauty and the Beast fairytale, since I know ya’ll liked those. My version goes off the Grimm version.

We start off with a merchant man heading to the market and as all dads know, daughters expect presents after vacations. So he asks each kid what she wants and one wants a brocade dress, another a pearl necklace (which really isn’t an appropriate gift from a father but these stories tend to enjoy their incest so whatever) and then finally we have Beauty, who just wants a rose. Really bitch? A rose? That’s it. I’m not saying shoot for the moon but you could get something a little better.

Anyway, Papa Merchant is happily on his way home when there’s a miserable storm. While he hoped to reach an inn, he ended up finding a random castle in the woods. You would think he’d have noticed the castle on his way to the market but continuity has very little place in fairy tales. The merchant goes into the castle (since the door is open but um rude) and can’t find anyone there. In his defense, he keeps yelling for an owner or servant but no one shows up. However, he discovers a lovely dinner all ready to go. Now ya’ll know that eating random food is stupid. We’ve been over this with Red Riding Hood but she’s not the merchant’s daughter so he doesn’t know any better. This meal is not made of cannibalized grandmother though so we’re all good. Finally, he pulls a Goldilocks and goes to bed in a room with a roaring fire. And in the morning, there’s fresh fruit and hot coffee waiting for him. And can we just say the Beast clearly knows what’s up. I love some hot tea but you need coffee first thing in the morning.

Even more so when you’ve literally got a hair of the dog situation going on. So Papa Merchant tries to thank his host but can’t find anyone so he heads out the door. But on his way, he sees a rose bush and decides to pick a rose for Beauty. (Her sisters are so thinking, ‘we told you to ask for a pony. But noooo, someone had to be all flowers are pretty!’.) And seriously the castle stay has been pretty nice but like don’t push it by stealing. Plus the Beast is kind of hardcore about his roses. Which is obvious because he jumps out and starts yelling that he’s going to kill the man for daring to take a rose. But you should note that the Beast is wearing splendid clothes. All the fairy tale versions want you to know that he’s a monster, but a monster with taste. Papa M starts freaking out about how he only wanted to bring his daughter a rose, so the Beast tells him to bring his daughter back to him if he wants to keep his life.

Which ya know here’s my thing. Like first of all, once the merchant got home, it’s not like he couldn’t just load a fucking gun, keep it by the front door and wait to see if the beast shows up. The guy couldn’t figure out how to be a decent host like he’s really going to make the trip to kill him. But Papa M is having a breakdown until Beauty says she’ll go to the castle in his place. Then the dad’s like ‘I never doubted your love for me. Thank you for saving my life.’ And again I think really you fucking pussy?! You’re just going to give your daughter up to experience bestiality firsthand just so you can live a few more years? She’s like 16. Grow a fucking pair and let her live.

But since Beauty’s got more courage than her father, she heads to the castle but has a much more pleasant experience. Duh. Has she not seen Pretty Woman? You gotta treat your hookers right. But after a while, Beauty decides to be a psychology major’s wet dream and starts to become friends with the Beast. Until one day he proposes. Now I’m all for surprise proposals but you gotta know your audience, beast. Beauty is disgusted but she’s not a total idiot so she does this ambiguous refusal until the Beast is like ‘no worries, whatever, I was totally kidding’. (He wasn’t kidding). But life goes on until the Beast gives Beauty a magic mirror that does not house a lake shore genie because that would be fucking stupid. Beauty is able to watch her family and she spends hours doing just that. Clearly no one informed of the problem with having the Mirror of Erised’s cousin around. It makes you miserable for things you can’t have.

That’s when Beauty realize that her father is dying and asks to go home. The Beast throws a hissy fit and says no but then when he realizes that he’s not exactly getting any action by being an asshole, he agrees to let her go for a week. Such generous vacation time from this boss. Beauty takes care of her dad, who was suffering from a broken heart over Beauty’s situation. Again, INCEST. Also, this is all your fault, Papa Merchant. How about you suffer from some fucking guilt? Beauty tells him how the Beast is nice (there’s that Stockholm Syndrome we love) but she doesn’t realize that more than seven days have passed. Until one day she pulls a Bonnie Bennett and dreams that the Beast is dying and begging her to come home. Beauty whips her horse to get there fast enough, insuring that even if the Beast lives, PETA’s going to come take them both out.

Beauty finds the Beast in the garden, supposedly dead. She hugs him and begs the universe not to let him die, saying she’ll marry him. And then the Beast turns into a prince. He tells her that an evil witch made him a monster and only a maiden’s true love could transform him. And then he proposes again and she says yes. And really, this is a much better version than Disney because it doesn’t include Mary-Kate as a witch and we don’t have to deal with the dumbass that is Gaston.  The two get married and the Prince insists that only roses can grow in his garden forever more. That’s how his castle became known as the Castle of the Rose.

Wedding Soundtrack: (I assume went like this)

Kiss From a Rose, Every Rose has its Thorn, The Rose, Bed of Roses, English Rose, Desert Rose, For the Roses, Like a Rose, Rose of Sharyn, My Wild Irish Rose, Monarchy of Roses, and Yankee Rose.