Glee. Please don’t hog my fiance’s nog.

You guys, I don’t even … I have no idea what that even MEANS.  ”Please don’t hog my fiance’s nog” … ?  WTF.  Let me consult consult Urban Dictionary.  (Sidenote: The fact that I use Urban Dictionary both makes me feel old, because I am out of touch with what is cool and/or filthy–often the same thing, of course–and makes me feel young and/or awesome because I am still willing to brave Urban Dictionary.  Ya know?)  Aaaand … no.  There is no mention of “nog” as jizz on page one, and in fact, it doesn’t show up until definition TEN, where it has more thumbs down than thumbs up.  In fact, most of the definitions on the first page define “nog” as kind of a slang for the N-word, in which case, that pamphlet just got a WHOLE lot more interesting.  ”Please don’t hog my fiance’s N-word”?  Holy SHIT, Black History Month fail!  Leave it to this fucking show, right?

Please to be reincarnated as this chair?

Goddamn, I didn’t mean for that to turn into such a thing, but … I think it was warranted.  Anyway.  I volunteered to recap this episode because I’m basically in love with Ricky Martin in a very unironic way, and also?  We share a birthday!  Yup, that’s right–Christmas Eve, bitches!  So I shit you not, I was REALLY excited to hear some Livin’ La Vida Loca, and most of all, She Bangs.  And again … ZERO IRONY.  I love She Bangs so much that even William Hung couldn’t ruin it for me.  But um … NO Ricky Martin songs!  What in the actual, factual FUCK.  UUUUGGGGGHHHHH.  Instead we got an episode full of boring shit that I hate, most notably Will Shuester, and I was so excited for Ricky Martin that now I’m super fucking pissed!  So basically, I am in the perfect mindset to really tackle the hatecap.  Let’s GO.

Okay.  This episode legitimately pissed me off so much that I seriously considered rewatching the episode (something I never do when I recap, by the way) to do a line item list of all the shit that pissed me off and that I wanted to rant about, but I would actually like to go to sleep sometime this century, so I’m going to just have to hit the highlights.  But I am saving my super mega Shuesterwurst bitching for LAST.  So stick around.

Alright.  First of all, Sue wanting to have a baby.  Jesus fucking Christ, can we please for the love of GOD free Jane Lynch from this goddamn pile of shit?  Like … the storyline is so preposterous that I truly almost can’t even be bothered to care, except that I think Jane Lynch is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS..  I mean, there was no egg-freezing technology in the late 70′s, so she froze her eggs herself and keeps them in a meat locker in a KROGER?  And please, make no mistake … I fucking LOVE Kroger, and they’re the only grocery store I swear in the world where you can get the world’s best nacho cheese (Gehl’s, in the deli), BUT THEY DO NOT KEEP FUCKING AMATEUR FROZEN EGGS IN THEIR FREEZER FOR THIRTY YEARS!  These assholes need to show Kroger some RESPECT!  God, just leave Kroger OUT OF IT!  I hate that the name of my hometown grocery store was even brought INTO this bullshit.  I can’t deal with it.

I mean, besides all of the obvious disregard for science, and the fact that I know Glee better than to think they’d actually deal with the serious and complex topic of having a baby when you’re that old, and completely overlooking the fact that Sue cornered a bunch of high school boys to try to convince them to beat off into dixie cups, the thing that pissed me off the MOST was Sue’s little speech to Emma about how good and kind and noble Will Shuester is.  Because … ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  Oh my GOD, my fucking HEAD is about to fucking EXPLODE.  Are you ACTUALLY going to present to me, SHOW, in a serious way … are you going to LOOK ME IN THE EYE and tell me that Will Shuester is anything more than a childish, selfish, whiny, petty, idiotic ASSHOLE?  Just don’t.  Just fucking don’t.  It’s a waste of all of our time.

Deep breath.  Must save SOME all caps for later.  Move on while you still have some measure of sanity.

Let’s move on to lesser stupidity (although still totally stupid) for a minute before I lose my mind entirely.  The Sam and Mercedes thing is still being dragged out.  I don’t find them horribly offensive (which in terms of this show is extraordinarily high praise), just kind of dull.  Mercedes’ song thoughtfully replaced my regularly scheduled Rachel Berry Cry-Sing Inducer of Narcolepsy.  I mean, just … how can I hate an episode so much when it had so blessedly little Rachel or Kurt?  And yet I did!

I CANNOT believe that someone managed to out-crazy Aria's shoes on this week's Pretty Little Liars. Well done (?), both Glee AND Mexico.

I do confess to enjoying Sam’s song a little.  We had to listen to Bamboleo in my high school Spanish class at least every few weeks, so it has sentimental value, and then I had a roommate in college who was OBSESSED with Hero, which I always thought was a sappy, shitty nightmare (and therefore hilarious that she loved it so much), and so that also has some good memories attached to it for me.  I will say … THE SHOES.  WTF.  Between this crazy shit and Aria’s highlighter yellow platform crocs on Pretty Little Liars, I’m fairly sure that all the wardrobe people from every high school show on TV got together and sniffed glue all week, and maybe engaged in some weird autoerotic asphyxiation shit, cutting off their brain’s oxygen supply.  Hey.  I’m not here to judge you.  I’m just saying that I hope someone passed Jane Lynch the glue, because if anyone needs a break from what is happening in their lives right now, it’s her.

Next order of business … this whole Rachel and Finn engagement business.  I hate this plot.  I don’t know, part of it is, again … I just don’t care.  I hate Rachel, and I think Finn is dumb, and basically, the whole idea of engaged teenagers skeeves me out.  Always has.  I don’t even want to talk about it.  Except that Kurt was sort of the unlikely voice of reason in this episode.  Yeah, that’s right.  I DID NOT HATE KURT FOR AN EPISODE.  Although I did laugh when he said to Finn, “One thing glee clubs and musical theater programs don’t have is a straight, hot football player who can sing and kind of dance.”  Oh, KURT.  Neither does yours.

And now … Will Shuester.

Does this incredibly tight matador costume with the sparkly gold wiener accents make me look super straight or WHAT?

First of all.  It is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS, first of all, that even a shitty ass school like this one, would hire a Spanish teacher who couldn’t speak Spanish.  And it is further ridiculous that in however many years of teaching (at least three, for fuck’s sake), that he wouldn’t have picked up ANY Spanish.  I mean … THE FUCK.  And I happen to know several teachers, and that profession seems like it’s gotten pretty crowded.  And if the statistics schpiel that we had to sit through (although I’d sit through it again for you, Ricky Martin!) was true, it shouldn’t be that fucking hard to find someone to teach Spanish who, you know … SPEAKS SPANISH.  It’s just a lot of bullshit to deal with, even for this show.

I mean, good for Santana, calling him out, although boo for Santana the writers for softening the fact that Shue is an offensive, insensitive asshole by saying he’s great at teaching glee.  I’m pretty fucking sure that his rendition of “A Little Less Conversation” in a matador costume proves that he also sucks ass AND balls at that too.  And you don’t have to be a native Spanish speaker to find that shit offensive.  I find it offensive because of how much it sucked, and because I enjoy music and also because I’m a member of the human race.  I feel like Elvis, if he is in fact dead, is spinning in his grave right now.  Conversation is BY FAR not the only thing I could do with a little less of when it comes to this rat bastard.

AND THEN!  Oh my god.  The Emma stuff.  You guys.  As much as I find Emma’s accent a little weird and I hate her with Shue, etc., I really think she’s kind of adorable and WAY too good for him, and you know I probably have a bit of a soft spot for her because she’s like the only person on this show that I really identify with, given that I have an anxiety disorder also (I thankfully don’t have OCD, but it does seem very anxiety-driven so I get it). And you know, I don’t want to try to get too far into Emma as a character, because I feel like characters are so inconsistently written on this show, but I do feel like she’s been shown to both try to work on her issues and to try to accept herself.  And in this episode, I liked that she was defending herself, and her pamphlets, and not letting Will push her around.  But for REAL?  This is what, two weeks in a row? two weeks out of three? where Will has been an absolute DICKWEED to Emma about her OCD.  I mean, I wouldn’t have said yes to his sorry ass when he proposed ANYWAY, but if someone is constantly berating you and being a real fucking asshole about who you are and things that you struggle with but are working on, he is not worth your time.  I just feel like at this point, his apologies mean shit and I’m annoyed that she forgave him!  But it’s just one more example of how this show wants to write Shuesterwurst as a MEGA fucking asshole and then turn around and tell us how great he is.  Listen–a lame ass apology doesn’t cut it.  And the show can’t have it both ways.  So fuck them.

Also, I’m glad Emma got the tenure.  No one else deserved it, except Bieste, for putting up with everyone’s constant stream of shit.

I’m really winding down.  I have donated way more of my life to Glee tonight than I really intended to, and I can feel my rage boner softening.  So to finish, I am going to switch to the good variety of boner and share my last few thoughts, all of them Ricky Martin related.

• As much as I hated this episode and as much as it pissed me off IMMENSELY, I would watch the whole thing all over again if that’s what I had to do to see Ricky Martin do “Sexy And I Know It”.  OH MY GOD, I am in LOVE with that song right now.  I’m basically walking around singing it all the time, and it was only made worse (better?) by the incredible M&M Super Bowl commercial.  I’m going to go ahead and call it now–this will end up being my favorite musical number of the season.  Ricky IS sexy, and bitch, we ALL know it.
• Speaking of.  I did enjoy his duet with Santana, but mostly I just kept thinking about how much I was hoping that doing such a sexy song with NAYA RIVERA would turn him straight so I could ship them in real life, like an actual crazy ass twelve-year-old or Twilight mom.  I would like cut out pictures of them and paste them together in hearts and hang them in my locker … which I would’ve bought JUST to hang the pictures in.
• I feel like Ricky Martin really needs to make a comeback.  He is still just so goddamn motherfucking sex-AY, and I feel like I want to see him all the time everywhere, dancing and having beautiful hair and you know … basically being the next Neil Patrick Harris.  Shit, I nominate him for Co-NPH.  He can host shit and dance and sing and be real-life gay but romance women on TV shows because we deserve some fantasy too, dammit!  Let’s all petition Jason Segel to make another Muppet movie and make Ricky the star.
• And now Ricky Martin has a job teaching at the same school as Shue and the Nude Erections!  Which means we’ll never, ever see him again.  LAME.
• Oh, and last thought, after Ricky (I will NEVER call him David) and Santana’s duet, I got so fucking pissed at Shue’s snotty little, “I’m confused about your involvement.”  Um, if by “your involvement” you mean “my sexuality,” OKAY.  Otherwise, step aside.  Did he question Holly Holiday’s involvement when she came in and taught the Glee girls “Fuck You”?  No.  So FUCK YOU, Shue!  GOD.  You let a fucking dentist come in and co-star in your goddamn musical … I want to rip your head off and beat your dead body with it right now!  LEAVE RICKY MARTIN ALONE!

Ah, there’s the rage blackout I’d been expecting.  Two things you don’t fuck with, Show … Kroger and Ricky Martin.

Alright.  What did you guys think?  Share your most hated moments, stupidest gaps in logic, snoozefests, diappointments, etc.  And, okay, if you have anything nice to say about anyone besides Ricky Martin.  And ESPECIALLY gush over Ricky Martin.  He’s perfecto (that’s Spanish for “perfect”, in case any of you partook of the brain tumor that Shuesterwurst had for breakfast).  Pretty much anything you want to talk about!  Comments are the fuel that keeps the bloggers going, and bloggers are the fuel that keep the blog going.  So … feed me, Seymour!