Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny went all Godfather III. Just when he thought he was out … well, you know. Oh, also, Mike acted like a giant baby. This development was less than surprising.
We begin, as always, where we ended last week, with the gang traveling back to the shore house. Vinny is excited about getting laid tonight; the Jersey Shore zombies begin chanting “one of us, one of us.” They’re barely back five minutes when they have to start getting ready to go out to some dumb club. And guess what? They need taxis. At this point I wonder if I’d have trouble differentiating a new episode from a rerun. As they’re waiting for the taxis, Mike decides that he wants new tattoos, loyalty on his left arm and betrayal on the right. “Right arm, you’ve never had my back!” Mrs. DLW imagines Mike saying. Nice.
When they get to the club, the following things happen: Mike goes off by himself, Pauly is delighted to have Vinny back, and Snooki pees herself. And the floor around her. She finds all this delightful; if you also find it delightful, imagine you’ve gone out to a club with friends, you’re drinking, you’re dancing, you’re having a great time, and then oops, you slip and fall and land … in someone else’s urine. Not so cute now, is it?
Back at the house, Deena eats Hot Pockets and tries to bully Vinny into saying he loves her. I again quote Butthead who said, “I don’t care for Deena.” The next morning, Snooki discretely throws away her soiled underwear, WHICH SHE EVIDENTLY WORE ALL NIGHT. Again, delightful. Deena accidentally electrocutes herself, and she and Sammi have what seems like a 90 minute conversation about electricity, and it’s really hard not to get stupider while you’re listening to it.
After Jenny tries again, unsuccessfully, to get in contact with Roger, Snooki doubles up on underwear in case she has another urinary issue. Snooki prefers to treat the symptoms and not the actual disease. It’s Sunday and all the gang’s going out together to spend the day on the beach. While Mike meets up with random people he knows in the area, Snooki goes to the bathroom again and she confesses that she might have a UTI. After she’s finished urinating (and this is already a sentence I’m really proud to write), Snooki tells Deena that she’s not washing her hands, and Deena brags that she never does. As they say this, they are smoking with one hand and drinking with the other; two activities that involve hand to mouth contact. At this point, I’m convinced that “Jersey Shore” is a prequel to “Contagion.”
As Snooki does shots of “pain killers,” she yells out, “Fuck you, UTI!” She admits that it’s either a UTI or she’s pregnant. These are very different, in that a UTI causes Snooki pain, while a pregnancy would cause the entire world pain. But thanks, Jersey Shore, for making me think about Snooki’s urethra.
When the gang heads back to the house, Snooki, Deena, and Mike are in, to quote them, the “fun cab.” I can’t imagine how much the cab driver disagrees. Mike pours his fakey heart out to the two drunk girls and tells them how much he hates his position in the house as a … oh my God, Snooki is peeing outside. And they’re showing the huge puddle she made. This is just the worst. And now I have to pause it to go back and tell you what Mike was saying, but it’s paused on Snooki and the puddle of filth. Ugh!
Anyway, who cares what Mike said? It’s all whiny and self-pitying and I’m sure he’ll say it ten more times this episode. After Snooki befouls the porch, Mike and Snooki have a long conversation while Mike’s lower body has a weird blur on it because his dick is hanging out. This is officially the grossest episode of this show ever. Mike finishes his rant with, “If there’s anything I do at any time, please tell me, I’ll fix it.” Well, why don’t you put your junk away during house meetings. That might be a good start.
Let me take a moment and say that this is a really hard episode to recap. I enjoy making fun of all the ridiculous shenanigans, but the main people in this one are really drunk and making even less sense than most people on the Jersey Shore do. Imagine listening to your drunk friend ramble, but you have to be sober, and he keeps peeing on things. That would be the worst, right? Welcome to this episode.
That night, Snooki responsibly goes to visit a doctor to treat her UTI. Just kidding, she puts on the ridiculous bunny costume to scare the guys. Then, and I’m not making this up, Snooki wears just the bunny head and does the worst British accent you’ve ever heard, saying, “I’m a bleeping bunny from Britain and I have no idea what goes on when it comes to frickin’ guidos.” I don’t know. Maybe I’m drunk now and I’m just making this up.
They decide to play “warm beer,” a game which was clearly invented by assholes. The result of this game is that Snooki is nearly in blackface. Just when I thought this episode couldn’t get any grosser. Sammi says that tonight is one of the fun nights they’ve had; too bad that didn’t translate to the at-home viewing experience. But before the night is over, Snooki decides to stick her finger into sleeping Mike’s nose and then his mouth. I think just watching this episode may have given me diphtheria.
The next day, Snooki blows off her dad to get her hair done and Mike sees Roger while Deena makes giant underwear for herself. Mike feels the need to keep talking about how nice he is to everybody; you know, like Mother Teresa did. I stop listening to Mike’s nonsense and only seize on the fact that Deena says, “at the drop of a dime.” Here’s the thing, folks: you either “drop a dime” on someone (when you rat on them), or something happens at “the drop of a hat.” Let’s not combine them.
The episode ends with Mike, who this whole episode has been lamenting being called a villain and people hating him, deciding to go after Snooki. He puts in a call to the Unit to drop a dime on Snooki (see how that phrase works) and let Jionni know that Mike and Snooki had sex. Oh, good, that plot’s back. One last gross thing to end this stinker of an episode.
One last thing: I’m not going to bother adding extra thoughts. I just want to say that if you come into contact with any of the Jersey Shore kids, click here to learn more about STDs in New Jersey.
All right, let’s all let our dinners settle, and then talk about the episode below. If you can stomach it.