HOT. Best part of the episode. AGAIN...HOT. AS. HELL.

What’s up gang?! So it’s my turn to rock out one of these Glee trash-caps. Before we get started, I thought I’d give you my thoughts on Glee and how I feel about characters and such so y’all know where I’m coming from. Like most of us here at OCTV, I pretty much despise the writers, especially Ryan Murphy for so completely fucking up what could be an awesome thing. (Sidenote: Smash, which will be recapped by Dayna in another week, is everything Glee ever hoped to be and more, just fyi.) But I think I’m a little odd. See I like Rachel & Finn. I actually really like them and Quinn as well. I just hate how much the writers have assassinated their characters. But anyway. Oh also, I grew up like hardcore conservative (I had to do a whole presentation to be allowed to buy Hanson’s “Middle of Nowhere” in 7^th grade kind of conservative) so I never grew up listening to Michael Jackson. Therefore I have no special affinity to the songs. This could work in my favor because I don’t have much of a frame of reference or I could just hate it all. It’ll probably be the latter.

We kick things off with several Glee kids walking down the hall and ya’ll, who killed a cat and stuck it on Kurt’s head? What the fuck? Apparently all we needed to kickoff this tribute ep was to say that the kids want to sing Michael’s songs again (remember the girls missed out back when they were allowed to be awesome on their own.) and now we’re singing. I’m not that much a fan of the first song (I think it’s “Starting Something”). [Editor's Note: Close! It's Wanna Be Starting Something] The stage part improved it a little but it just didn’t seem to fit an opening number. But I do like that Blaine can pretty much eye-fuck everyone in a room without even looking at them.

Finn wants Rachel to hurry up and answer his marriage proposal. Rachel would like to take a few or eight years to think about it and you know, grow up first. Finchel ain’t no Naley. I mean Rachel could say yes but that’s gonna be the longest fucking engagement ever.

Over in the coffee shop, Rachel speaks my mind about Michael Jackson. Ya’ll this is what confuses me about this show. (Well, one of the 3000 fucking things that confuses me). One week Rachel would be throwing a damn fit about not getting to sing one of her icon’s hits but this week she’s totally down with MJ because even if she doesn’t like him, everyone else does and she thinks that’s cool. Also, this is why if the writers would quit screwing with her character, Rachel could be totally likeable. But now Sebastian shows up and ya’ll I fucking love Sebastian. He is like the greatest complement to Santana ever. I love that he like rips into Santana but she just sits down like she’s kind of impressed. So great. Anyway Blaine accidentally mentioned that Nude Erections was doing MJ so now the Wankers Warblers are doing MJ and since they’re going first at Sectionals, NE is shit out of luck.

Naturally this is sending everyone into a fit. Finn is all pep talky and then butt-chin starts talking but I’m sort of obsessed about how cute Quinn’s coats have been so far and how much I want to shove my fist down Artie’s throat. He NEEDS to shut up.

Apparently the best way to settle this debate is through a little West Side Story action by battling in a parking garage for the right to do MJ songs. The Nude Erections would look killer in those leather jackets if they stayed in the shadows. Plus it makes it really obvious that Mark Salling is way too fucking old for this show. The choreography on this number actually is pretty sweet. And Santana & Sebastian were pretty awesome battling it out. This number gets like a B from me. Artie was singing too so obviously I can’t give it too high a grade. But then the whole thing ends with Sebastian throwing a slushee in Blaine’s face. This would seem confusing because supposedly Sebastian likes Blaine & also the slushee thing is sort of McKinley High’s deal so Dalton kids shouldn’t know about it. But I have a theory that it’ll actually be Kurt who ultimately hooks up with Sebastian and not Blaine (my theories don’t usually come to pass) so this makes sense in my world.

I guess there were rocks or something in the slushee because it cut Blaine’s cornea & now he needs surgery. Um guys, ice can totally cut your eye too. Did no one see Monica date her ex-boyfriend’s son as her new eye doctor on Friends? Okay but in all seriousness, the kids are pissed off and want to get their revenge. Douchester is trying to be all “give peace a chance” but since this ain’t no Lennon tribute episode, that ain’t happening. Then Artie gives this little speech that makes me kinda torn. As I noted earlier, I kind of can’t stand Artie. He’s an arrogant little shit. But the speech that he gives? That I liked. So here it is. “And don’t give me any of that ‘it gets better’ crap. I’m not interested in it getting any better. I want it to be better. Like right now. I want to hurt them, the way they hurt us, no worse. I want them to feel my pain because frankly, that’s all I have left to give.” I don’t know ya’ll, I just really liked that statement. I heard variations on it gets better in high school too. And you know what? Yeah it does get better but it’s not always better. Adulthood sucks balls too. But more importantly, telling someone that after 4 years of getting bullied and treated like shit, they’ll finally be in a better place really doesn’t make a bit of difference. It’s not comforting to be 17 and thinking that your life has to suck for another couple years. And there’s a good point hidden in there. Maybe we all need to stop telling people to have hope because “it gets better” and start making people be better right now. Okay climbing off my little soapbox now and back to Artie’s dream sequence where he can dance.

Kevin McHale is actually a pretty decent dancer so it was sweet to put him & Harry Shum together for a song. Of course, we’re ignoring the fact that we spent 2 seasons going on about the fact that Mike Chang can’t sing and just wants to dance. (I think this song is “Stop Pressuring Me”.  At least that’s the line that keeps being sung). [Ed.: It's called Scream] The dancing stuff was pretty sweet. And again, I’m not familiar with the original so I’m going to assume that either this was a pretty literal homage or really random & kind of fucked up. I wasn’t that into it as a song. B-.

Artie comes back into the real world and wheels himself away in frustration. Rachel finds Quinn in the bathroom and asks her what she thinks she should do about Finn’s proposal. Quinn says she can’t marry Finn. She then shows Rachel her acceptance letter from Yale. At least there was a mention of early admission and that Quinn apparently has all As and wrote a kickass admissions essay but seriously, how much disbelief am I supposed to suspend? Yeah don’t answer that. Quinn is like look Rachel, I don’t doubt your love, I’m not here to be a bitch (unlike most of this season) but you won’t be the same people in 10 years and you can’t marry him. Rachel tries to argue but Quinn points out that neither Rachel or Finn should spend their formative years trying to define themselves according to each other, but should be their own person and that’s why Rachel may need to be the one to break it off. I don’t understand what’s happening on the show this week y’all. People are making sense and being mature and it is all so very confusing! But don’t worry. We’ve only really had 2 scenes of maturity and none of it actually fits into the show or has anything to do with just about anything else so clearly we’re still watching Glee.

Wow I spoke too soon. They put Quinn on stage to sing her own song. And I like Dianna Agron and I think her voice isn’t actually so bad, she’s just no belter like some of the others. But she’s singing about never being able to say goodbye and the camera keeps panning to all of her boys (Finn, Puck & Sam) so it would seem that all of her mature comments to Rachel are just to fuck with Rachel’s mind and not for herself. She’s still sort of hung up on high school. Or she wants to move on. These songs are about as tightly connected to the episode as Glee is to reality. THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. Quinn is mature with Rachel, then hung up on high school in the song, then back to moving on & being an adult after the song. I don’t know why I keep trying to make sense of this show. And I want Sebastian back. He makes me happy. He makes me other things too. (Don’t say dirty, it’s too easy.)

Santana & Kurt have a little heart to heart. Unfortunately Santana did not tell Kurt that today is not the day for the Ugly Sweater Party nor did she mention that bowties should not be worn with sweaters. Seriously do the costume designers not understand that they can’t just stick random ass shit on Kurt and say he has great fashion sense? Finn’s plaid has better fashion sense than Kurt. He looks like someone wrapped up a white elephant gift for an office Christmas party and tied a bow on it. Oh also Santana says they will find a way to beat Sebastian without getting into trouble or stooping to his level.

Sam asks Mercedes to come into the auditorium to duet on “Human Nature”, which is a song I’m really not familiar with. Mercedes says no but all Sam has to do is strum a few chords and Mercedes starts singing. Nice willpower. Seriously, brav-the-fuck-o. Oh and Sam, I may not be familiar with that much of MJ but a guy who thinks “Red Solo Cup” is a good song choice should not be able to call Michal Jackson an inspiration. Sam & Mercedes were a couple that I kind of liked when it was hinted at from S2’s finale but that song was not good. Those two do not duet well together. Also that kiss had about as much passion as ice cubes hardening in a tray.

Burt comes in with Kurt’s letter from whatever the fuck that school is he and Rachel are trying to go to. Because a parent wouldn’t wait until a kid was at home to do that shit. Kurt’s a finalist but like what if he wasn’t Burt? He’d be all upset and still have to stay at school and endure that humiliation of not being closer to his dreams. The mail can wait. Naturally, Kurt comes running up to Rachel to tell her and then asks her if she got her letter. THE FUCK, KURT?! Your dad brought the damn letter to school. Rachel’s dads don’t even exist yet. How the fuck would she have an acceptance letter if she hasn’t been home yet to see what came in the mailbox?! FUCKING WRITERS. See now I’m pissed.

And since this isn’t enough, Rachel starts freaking out because she just “knew” that she wasn’t going to get in so without even finishing the episode, I’m going to bet $20 on how this plays out. Rachel will say yes to Finn because she’ll think that the only way she had to reach her dreams is gone so she might as well stay with Finn forever. Heaven forbid Rachel just fucking move to New York and start auditioning. Then Rachel will get home, realize her mailing address is not McKinley High, discover that she got in and realize she made a dumbass mistake by agreeing to marry Finn in a fit of teenage angst. Back in the school hallway, Rachel is still crying about how all of her friends have a future. RACHEL. Quinn is the only one with a future. Kurt still isn’t in. Puck is a man-child. Mercedes thinks selling her weave will get her places. Tina cries when Mike Chang isn’t touching her. (She probably cries when he touches her too). Finn sort of has options since he can take over the body shop. None of your friends have a future. If only the same could be said about this show.

Finchel comes over to visit Blaine. Blaine’s wearing an oreo for an eyepatch and the filling is starting to poke out.  That sounded so much grosser than I meant it too. Rachel has the most bizarre thermos of chicken soup for Blaine. Why chicken soup? Why staples? Oh wait wrong show. They decided to bring MJ to Blaine and are singing another song that I don’t recognize. Someone tell me in the comments. Do I just really not know very many MJ songs or did Glee go more obscure? {Ed.: This song is called Ben, but it’s very old and I’m not that familiar with it either]. Everyone is singing all sweet and soft and I feel like I’m watching the filming of one of this really bad church commercials. Like everyone hold hands & sing kumbayah and we’ll brainwash you into wearing calico and never drinking. Plus Blaine doesn’t sing so I don’t understand the point.

Santana is looking fucking hot as hell as a “cheesy villain in an 80s high school movie” (her words) as she walks up to the Warblers and tells them that it is on. Sebastian notes that the slushee was meant for Kurt but Blaine got in the way. I did not see it going down like that in the actual scene but whatever. As long as Sebastian was trying to kill Kurt, I still love him. Hell, I’d love him anyway. He’s delicious. Sebastian & Santana duet on Smooth Criminal accompanied by two cellos. For two supposedly gay characters, these two have more heat in one song than most of the pairings have had in 3 seasons on this damn show. The duet is fucking brilliant. I watched it a couple times for y’all to be sure that was an accurate assessment. Sebastian had demanded satisfaction from Santana. I don’t know if he was satisfied but I think the audience certainly was.

Santana insists that she won the battle and I’ll agree with that. But it’s Santana. She’s fucking boss. She gets Sebastian to tell her that he put rock salt in the slushee. He says it’s okay because he didn’t put anything in the one he throws in Santana’s face. Well that was mean, Sebastian.

*Sidenote: I just got completely distracted by the most spoilery TVD promo I have ever seen on twitter. (I’m recapping at 2am). It’s completely screwed with my train of thought. Seriously. WOW.*

Okay, back at McKinley, Santana drags the Glee club into the practice room and shuts the door to have a little pow-wow. Santana locks the door before Douche-ster gets in. Turns out, Santana secretly taped Sebastian’s reveal and can now get him expelled. Kurt doesn’t like this idea because as much as he wants Sebastian roasting on a spit, the Warblers could still sing MJ without him. So he has a plan in the auditorium. Of course you do, Kurt. Aren’t y’all glad we have to sit through an entire episode of kids fighting over who gets to sing Michael Jackson songs, even though now none will be sung at Regionals? Fucking special.

Finn asks Rachel to stay behind so he can sing about his feelings. Look I like Finn and I think Cory Monteith really tries his best and does, like Dianna, a damn good job amongst a bunch of singers who are much better than they are. And while there are many singers that are fine for him to cover, this is not one of them. I don’t know what this song is. (Maybe called “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You”). Rachel says Finn’s the love of her life and says yes. Finn starts to get a Dawson Leery ugly cry face but saves it quickly. Look if this was any other show, I’d be excited for them but you know it’s going to be ripped apart next week for some reason or another. Well okay I wouldn’t exactly be excited but I’d be more understanding.

Nude Erections informs the Wankers that they won’t be doing Michael Jackson songs for Regionals. In a similar move to the funkify episode, NE says that the Warblers can sing MJ but it doesn’t mean they understand MJ. Not in the way NE does. Because of course, so much time has been spent on learning who Michael Jackson was as a person of inspiration for so many artists.

So Artie starts singing “Black or White”. And then the rest of them join in. I really like Rachel’s dress in this scene. It’s actually a pretty decent song but I think it’d be cooler if they were all in matching outfits. Plus Kurt is annoying. Soon, a few of the Warblers get up and start joining in and soon all of them are having fun. Also a curtain goes up to reveal a choir but we never see the choir again. So there’s that. The song ends ridiculously abruptly for one of the few MJ songs I enjoy & it did some weird face-morphing thing too. Then Sebastian starts blasting the Warblers for being so easygoing and saying this is why they lost last year. Santana threatens him and reveals the tape but to Sebastian’s credit, he barely even seems fazed. Plus Kurt tosses the tape to him and says something about the real punishment is his teammates seeing what kind of person Sebastian is. Pretty sure those teammates brought him the slushee to throw in the first place Kurt.

Later in the hall, Rachel finds Kurt with her own letter. She opens it and guess what? SHOCKER. Rachel is also a finalist. Kurt then asks Rachel if she told Finn yet. And I am proven right because suddenly Rachel realizes that she committed to marrying Finn and now wants to go away. Not that she can’t have a long engagement but this is television and more importantly, this is Glee so common sense has no place.

What will happen next? Please don’t assume I care. That wraps up this Gleecap for me y’all. I think I can safely say that the entire episode had absolutely nothing to do with Michael Jackson. One would think a tribute episode would at least attempt to acknowledge him as an artist or incorporate him into the kids’ lives a little better. Or that Mike Chang would have been given more to do. As always, I don’t get paid enough to try to make sense out of Glee. Y’all can do that in the comments. And please tell me if y’all love Sebastian as much as I do.