This is my face every time I think something interesting might happen and am instantly disappointed.

I started watching this episode, fully prepared to be frustrated as the plot moved nowhere. Then, for most of the episode, it felt like we were getting somewhere. Emma was starting to be suspicious of Regina and working on finding out her secrets. And it seemed like we were going to get some answers in Storybrooke as well. Silly me. Everything that had been achieved was basically ripped away. Oh continuity, we hardly knew ye. So here’s how things are going to change in the recaps. Since Grimm, a supposedly procedural drama, is doing quite well at weaving mythology together, we’ll let them be the ongoing show. And for the Once Upon a Time recaps, I’m going to treat it like a procedural. Each episode will clearly have nothing to do with any of the other episodes and maybe this way, we can all enjoy them a little more. So if it seems like I’m ignoring key plot points…I am.

But ya’ll know what’s great about looking at each episode on its own, as though it has no connection with the rest of the show? It’s enjoyable. I had so much more fun with the show on the second viewing now that I’ve ignored continuity & decided to be besties with contrivance.

Fairytale Realms:

Staring into a mirror is the Genie of Agrabah, who you may remember as Sidney Glass or the man in the mirror. (Not Michael Jackson. But doesn’t that get the song in your head? “I’m talking ’bout the man in the mirror! I’m asking him to change his ways!” Anyway.) The fact that he was a genie clears up nothing except to explain why mirrors like to fog up. It’s probably the genie disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

The King (the one married to Regina) rubs the lamp to get the genie to pop up. Does this count as fairytale HoYay? The genie informs him that he gets 3 wishes and he can’t make anyone fall in love, wish for more wishes, or life or death and a wish cannot be undone no matter the consequences. Also the lamp is on a random lake shore so you’d think the genie would have a more appropriate wardrobe. The king is all cheesy & ridiculous as he says he wants for nothing but world peace so he tells the genie that his wish is for Genie’s freedom. The genie stretches his arms out zombie style as his bracelets (which were apparently weighing him down) fall off. He says, “Can it be? Am I really free?” and I respond with ‘you were born in a palace by the sea. A palace by the sea? Could it be? Yes, that’s right.’ (Also I now want to listen to the Anastasia soundtrack & drool over Dimitri.) Then the king uses his second wish to give the last wish to the genie. Genie insists he won’t use the wish since it’s like the lottery and always ends badly. So the king calls him wise & brings him to the palace to meet his family.

In the land of horrific CGI, Genie meets Snow White, who is rather quiet and then meets Regina.

*So some of the next stuff got garbled because I still use antennas to get my TV. I kept getting bored and moving around during the fairytale stuff which made the signal go squiggy and it took me a little longer than normal to realize.*

Basically, the Genie falls in love with the Queen. And the king finds out and is pissed off. And as far as we know, she loves him back and just wants to be free of the king and to no longer be a prisoner. Honestly, the king seems kinda stupid but not all that harsh so I don’t know why Regina’s trippin. But she is “desperate” and so her father brings in a nasty looking two headed snake (that’s where all the money for CGI went) that will solve her problems. Regina tells the Genie that the snake will kill her instantly. Genie convinces her not to die and says that he’ll kill the king instead so that they can be together. I won’t lie, I kept thinking the snake was going to bite Genie the entire time.

Genie brings the snake into the king’s bedroom and it’s really fucking creepy the way they kill him. Plus his face does some weird dead vampire thing. So Genie’s all, yay we can run away together and be happy. Then Regina goes yeah, about that. Turns out, those snakes are from Agrabah, which weird coincidence is where you’re from too so basically everyone knows that you killed the king. Crazy right? Genie is all ‘bitch, you played me?!’ and Regina essentially tells him to piss off because he can either be imprisoned or take the chance to escape that she’s offering him.

He insists he will never leave her and uses that last wish to say that he wants to always be at the Queen’s side, never away from her. And poof, he’s locked in the mirror. BAM. Regina also finds this to be kind of hilarious. I know it’s 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror but I wonder how much bad luck you get for breaking into the mirror. Things to ponder if this story line was ever to be revisited.

Storybrooke:

Henry, smart lad who wears a helmet, is riding his bike to meet Emma at the castle and is in a mad hurry to make sure that his fairytale book is still buried under the castle. He points out to a foolish, foolish Emma that under his mattress is the first place an evil queen would look & that with Emma is the second. The castle is their secret. Henry, not understanding how television contrivance works, doesn’t realize that by saying that, Regina will immediately show up. Regina tells Henry to get in the car, and unlike Chuck, Henry stays in the car. Then Emma & Regina talk but as usual all I hear is this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgmNVVLeDAc

Emma’s complaining to Mary Margaret and I just realized that I have the same coffee cups as the diner. Mary Margaret gets a text from David & slips off so Sidney (who you remember, you’ve met him) slips into the vacant seat to tell Emma he can help her take Regina down. Emma asks if he’d like some bacon with his whiskey and for some reason Sidney ignores this extremely important question. Answer yes, Sidney. When the question involves whiskey or bacon, always answer yes. He’s furious about being fired and wants to do an expose on the mayor. Emma’s like dude, sleep it off.

But it turns out that Regina is tearing down the playhouse which pisses Emma off, causes a repeat of the horny bitch scene and then insures that Emma is down to partner with Sidney and expose Regina.

Mary Margaret meets David on the bridge and he drags her away to a hidden spot for a romantic picnic. Then they start kissing and she’s like we have to come clean and he’s like tomorrow, we’ll be responsible tomorrow. If I take the scene just as it is, this is a really sweet gesture and they’re totally romantic and adorable. But I will rant about this later.

Driving through a tunnel I’ve never seen before is Emma, going to meet Sidney who is dressed sort of like Inspector Gadget. Sidney says money is missing from the city funds and that if they can learn what Regina is up to, they can bring her down once and for all. DUN DUN DUN. They try a number of tricks including a totally lame burglary search and ultimately plant a bug. Because Storybrooke obviously has that in the budget.

So Emma and Sidney are listening to the recordings from the bug planted in Regina’s office.  And apparently Regina is meeting someone in the woods with lots of money for a “secret” transaction. What could it be?!?!?!  Now at this moment, I sort of assumed that Regina had found the bug and was setting them up. Which granted she was but in a slightly different way. Either way, we’ll all soon be asking the same questions: “what is going on?!” “who’s on what side?” “who’s on first?!” “Why does Melissa keep doing this to us?” (Don’t ask that last one, you won’t get answers.)

Emma’s driving along in the cop car to the meeting site when her brakes suddenly go out. Luckily our girl is smart and plans ahead for murderous sabotage because she was only going 8 miles an hour. This makes sense because as we’ve seen in previous episodes, Emma makes a habit of driving really slowly; using even more caution when kids are in the car. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, THAT WAS SARCASM. Sidney informs Emma that her brake lines have been cut and ya’ll have no idea how much I want to scream over the idea that one glance in the dark would allow him to see that a hole had been cut in the brake lines. (Sidenote: If you’re   going to cut someone’s brake lines, you don’t cut clean through because they’d notice the lack of brakes the minute they backed out. What you do is cut a small hole in one of the brake tubes that goes from front to back. This allows the driver to go for a little while thinking everything is normal before the brakes go out. Additional sidenote: You piss me off, I don’t play nice when it comes to revenge.) [FROM OCTV LEGAL: Don't do this. At all. These detailed instructions are for entertainment purposes only.]  But I digress. Now that contrivance has stopped by to further piss off Emma, she goes storming into the woods to find Regina.

Regina is nowhere to be found but there is another sly & secretive Storybrooke resident around. I’m sure you’ll never guess who it is. What? You knew it would be Mr. Gold?! Ya’ll are brilliant. You should write this show. No, seriously, ya’ll should write this show. Gold is like yeah I have the briefcase numb-nuts, it’s payment for the land Regina bought from me. Emma’s all ‘AHA!’ which I don’t really understand but I just saw contrivance under a bush so I figure he’s still making shit up as he goes along.

Sidney comes into the council meeting and says he wants to bring something up (I bet you do, Sidney. Been a long time has it?) but Regina shoots him down and starts the next round of his emasculation process. So Emma, who has bigger balls than most of the men in this town including David (oh that rant is coming) stands up and tells off the mayor and all the city council about how she’s stealing government funds. (Sidenote: That is a really big city council considering the sheriff doesn’t even get a deputy). And it seems like maybe the tide will start to turn & Regina won’t be quite so powerful. Silly rabbit. Continuity is for kids. Turns out Regina has a slide show all cued up & ready to go to tell the people about the plans for a new playhouse for the kids of Storybrooke. She wants every Storybrooke child to be able to use their imagination just like Henry does. Isn’t that sweet?

So Emma gets all shown up and now I’m kind of speeding through because this recap just needs to get done. Regina tells Emma she can’t see Henry anymore and that if she pushes on this, Regina will make sure a judge insures that Emma never sees Henry again.

Oh also, at some point, the handsome stranger, whose name is Holden, hung out with Henry in the diner and told him he was a writer while Henry was trying to recreate all of the stories with really awful stick figures. Then later we learned that Holden has the book. You would think this means a new mystery. You will probably be wrong. [From Nicole: ugh, another Holden.  I feel like this is such a lazy way to tell audiences that a character is deep and literary and I hate it.]

Okay so a couple roundup-ish things. I’m sick of the ‘Regina is a cartoon villain’ thing. She either needs to be humanized so we can get invested in her or the people of Storybrooke need to clue in. And I know I said I would pretend these episodes have nothing to do with the next but that had to be said. Emma found Regina’s heart box keys but ya’ll know nothing will happen there for a few more months if ever. Finally, I’m still pissed about the whole David/Mary Margaret situation. Those two spent weeks saying they wouldn’t be together because it wasn’t right and trying to be better people than their hormones wanted. And now it’s thrown away. I don’t mind a clandestine affair one bit but I find it frustrating that these two were supposedly honorable and now that’s been completely tossed aside. Mary Margaret’s justification also pissed me off beyond belief.

Alright gang, your turn. Was this episode better or worse for you? Are you still interested in the show on any level or is just a chance for a distraction? Remember comments, even in the form of bitching about the show are always welcome required.