Jersey Shore: Free Vinny (From the Jersey Shore)

Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny wisely took a week off from all the nonsense and the rest of the gang decided to do special things in his honor.  These special things included getting drunk and sloppily hooking up with people.  They must have a different definition of “special” in Seaside.  Also, Pauly and Mike had birthdays, and Mike celebrated with an attitude that suggested this was his third birthday, tops.

This week, we begin with Danny, the Shore Store boss, coming to the house to bust some skulls.  He threatens the roommates with, um, more roommates if they don’t shape up and fly right.  This would all be a really effective threat if they weren’t already MAKING TONS OF MONEY BEING ON THIS SHOW.  Anyway, Mike returns from his walkapout, and we learn from him that every birthday Mike isolates himself to see if anyone will seek him out and talk to him.  You know, like a well-adjusted person does.  I have to tell you this brings no small amount of giggles to me and Mrs. DLW, who suggested that a clerk at Target could really make Mike’s year by seeing his driver’s license and saying happy birthday.  The girls who have to listen to Mike bitch about his birthday couldn’t look more bored if they were being paid to do so (which, come to think of it, they kinda are).

The next day Deena, Pauly, and Snooki decide to work hard for a change.  I’m sure this will last and forever change their work ethic.  After work, Deena calls Vinny and tries to get him to come to Pauly and Mike’s surprise birthday party.  Vinny can’t sound less interested in being a part of this world again.  Vinny has easily become my favorite character on the show, mostly by choosing not to be on it.  Later on, Deena and Snooki try to learn how to walk like “gangstas”; with the amount of times these two have tripped over, they should just work on walking upright.

The girls meet the stripper concierge and Sammi calls him creepy and is weirded out that his name is The Wiz.  Let me repeat that: Sammi is bothered that a guy who works with strippers is creepy, and Sammi “Sweetheart,” you know, the one who lives with “Snooki” and “The Situation,” doesn’t like that this guy’s name is “The Wiz.”  After all this dumbness, Ronnie and Mike are late for work and Danny hangs up a help wanted sign.  Strangely, I think the MTV casting department might have something to say about this.  Anyway, the sign seems to be working because a bunch of people keep coming in to apply for the job.  Jenny is shocked that the help wanted sign is out in front of the store and not, I guess, hidden like it is in no stores ever.  She takes down the sign and Danny’s plan to hire someone new is thwarted.  Oh wait, it totally isn’t because he just asks her to make a new sign.  How did he find a flaw in that master scheme?

Deena and Snooki get everything ready for the celebration (more on the bunny suits they buy later on), and Mike and Pauly are taken to their surprise party.  The cakes are pretty classy: Pauly’s is shaped like breasts and Mike’s like a thong-clad ass.  That’s classy, right?  The birthday boys are handcuffed to wheelchairs and the shittiest fake cakes ever are brought out.  Two strippers come out and dance for Mike and Pauly.  Well, I guess they’re strippers, but actually they’re already in underwear when they jump out of the cake and then later on seem to put on more clothes.  That kinda makes them the opposite of strippers.

Mike brings one of the reverse-strippers home and she wants to put socks on.  This girl can’t stop putting on clothes!  Mike is so bothered that she’s choosy about socks that he decides not to have sex with her.  So she ends up being a woman who puts on a bunch of clothes and doesn’t have a one-night stand.  She is the epitome of the reverse-stripper!  Pauly brings home a brunette for birthday sex and then they part with a “nice meeting you,” which seems oddly formal for someone with whom you just exchanged your precious bodily fluids.  You would think sex would bring you closer.  Maybe Jersey Shore lives in some sort of opposite universe.

The next morning we learn that tonight is couples night.  To be a part of the fun, Deena calls and asks out Ronnie’s friend Joey.  Joey seems less than enthusiastic, but he does say yes.  But before that kind of adult activity, Snooki wants to put on her bunny outfit and “scare everybody.”  You know how terrifying bunnies are.  She must think everyone in the house is Anya from “Buffy.”  Jionni shows up for couples night and I silently fume about having to Google the spelling of his name again.  He and Nicole go to the smush room and avoid couples night, but Roger, Joey, and Paula show up and go out with their respective partners for what I’m sure will be a night in another dumb club.

At the aforementioned dumb club, everybody’s getting along except for Sammi.  She’s in a crazy fight with “a swarm of bitches” who yanked her weave out of the back of her head.  I had no idea that the collective term for bitches was “a swarm;”  I really would have expected it to be “a bevy of bitches.”  Sammi tells us that she has always been taught to self-defend herself.  Weird, I was taught to self-defend others.  The one thing Sammi can take comfort in from this fight is that she gets more than her usual two lines per episode.  It’s not a full-on storyline, but hey, it’s something.  Sammi shouts, “It was me against the world.”  Go world!!

Back at the house, Mike disinfects his crotch and bed with not-nearly-enough deodorant.  Everybody starts hooking up with their partners but one brave alarm clock speaks out against all the grossness by interrupting Deena’s sex session.  Over and over again.  Finally, the show gains a hero in this valiant little alarm clock.

The next morning Snooki and Mike have a heart-to-heart about Paula.  Snooki is dressed like a Monchichi Cher; that’s really all I get out of their conversation.  The gang feels that their own happiness is far more important than their friend who was clearly going through emotional problems, so they decide to go to Staten Island and kidnap Vinny.  But first they have to make commemorative t-shirts.  A whole bunch of whatever.  When they get to Staten Island, I just pray that Vinny won’t be there so he can be safe from this band of hooligans.  I’m really emotionally invested in this show.

So, unfortunately, they do find Vinny.  Mike is so happy that they went there because it showed Vinny that everybody cared about him.  That’s great, Mike, except THAT’S YOUR ISSUE, NOT VINNY’S.  Vinny didn’t leave because he thought nobody cared, that’s why you went and pouted on your birthday.  Clearly you all really were sensitive to his issues.  Vinny shows them his “Let Go, Let God” tattoo and Ronnie doesn’t really understand it.  Four words was just too many for him.  Vinny’s mom is reluctant to let him leave, and she’s right.  Snooki promises to take care of Vinny; strong words coming from someone who can barely take care of herself.  Vinny tells us that he’s not 100% yet but he’s still going back.

Don’t do it, Vinny!

A few last things:

• Maybe the gang should just hire a couple of taxis to come by every night.  It would save them the phone calls.
• This message was brought on by Jenny, but: dear everyone in the world, just stop using the word “literally.”  Most of you don’t know how to use it correctly.  You either use it to mean “very” or “totally,” or you confuse it with “figuratively” which is the opposite of it.
• Snooki and Deena in bunny heads simulating sex will show up in my nightmares pretty soon.
• When Snooki said “Smush room” I thought she said “Mushroom,” which makes sense for all the fungi that I imagine live in there.
• Oh, and I also saw commercials for Ringer during the show, and they made me really happy.  That I don’t recap it anymore, I mean.

All right, my scary bunnies, let’s talk about all the sulky things we do for our birthdays, the efficacy of hidden “help wanted” signs, and the joy of reverse-stripping.  I look forward to hearing from you below!

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