Previously on Jersey Shore: Vinny took stock of his own emotional issues and left the house.  The rest of the cast didn’t and didn’t.  That about sums it up, I think.

This week: Vinny is gone and Pauly has to break the news to his fake-tanned brothers and sisters that one of their comrades has decided that being on a permanent, meaningless vacation just isn’t fun anymore.  Deena immediately starts weeping for Vinny’s problems.  No, just kidding, she’s weeping for herself, and maybe for her leopard-print dress that Jenny is adjusting for her.  Pauly brings a girl home that night to “put it in” for Vinny.  He’s a really good friend … to his own penis.  Mike also brings home a girl who claims she knows Italian, and Mike quizzes her by asking her about swear words.  You know, like you did when you first learned a foreign language at age 14.  Mike’s slightly older than that.

Out in Staten Island, Vinny makes it back to his parents’ home and they greet him, no questions asked.  It’s a really kind and loving moment.  And of course it’s followed up by Deena crying about her loss.  It’s good that the show concentrates on what’s really important.

We soon learn that Pauly and Mike are celebrating their birthdays this weekend, and they’re gonna “go hard,” and that Snooki and Deena are going to spend today as a “meatball day,” which means they just get really wasted and act like asshats.  Why on Earth did Vinny leave all this?  The girls proceed to do body shots off of each other, get more drunk with Deena’s sister, meet a gay gentleman who seems to enjoy hanging out with them (or he enjoys being on camera), and then get more drunk and try to walk past police without getting arrested.  And then the sun goes down.  Seriously, they do all this nonsense during the day.  Then they go to another dumb club (which might be the phrase that shows up most often in my Jersey Shore recaps) and get outdanced by 12 year-olds.  Most of it is terrible, but the part where they lose the dance-off to the tweens is pretty great.  Not for the dancing, just for the humiliation.

That night, the gang goes out to another dumb club (see) and Pauly immediately finds a girl to take home, again for Vinny.  Mike meets up with The Unit and at this moment I have to ask the show: WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP CARING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SNOOKI AND MIKE HAD SEX?  Clearly, it happened.  There are witnesses, and whenever it’s close to being brought up, Snooki freaks out.  Now when it’s brought up, I’m just annoyed that it’s a big, empty threat.  If Mike finally brings it up to Jionni, so what?  This is the Jionni that forgave Snooki for having sex with Vinny a day after Jionni left Italy.  Why would he care about this?

All of a sudden, there’s a big fight and the Unit gets kicked out of the club and Mike is frustrated that he didn’t get to tell THE THING HE WAS NEVER GONNA TELL IN THE FIRST PLACE!  Man, I’m doing a lot of yelling in this recap.  This stupid, unresolved issue is the blue balls of Jersey Shore.  Ugh.

Anyway, the next day, Mike, Jenn, and Ronnie work at the Shore Store and Ronnie complains that Jenn and Mike don’t do any work.  Man, if Ron complains about your work ethic, wow, just wow.  At the store, Mike meets a girl from Bosnia and hits on her; haven’t the people of that country been through enough?  When they get back home, the gang calls Vinny to check up on him.  By the way, this is the scene where Sammi gets one of her two lines this episode.  If she only knew that fighting with Ronnie was the only way she could get any airtime.

That night for Pauly’s birthday, the gang goes out to … well, you know.  The Bosnian girl is there and she flirts with Mike, but Mike is giving the eye to Paula, whom you might remember from her walks of shame in previous episodes.  Then the Bosnian girl (if they gave her name, I missed it) starts chatting up Pauly and he takes her home.  Pauly shows how classy he is by saying, “You can either come to bed or I’ll call you a cab.”  She wants to just talk in his room and he immediately kicks her out.  Because on your birthday, you can be an asshole to everybody, I guess.  (This advice totally comes in handy for me on the day I’m posting this!)

Then, weirdly, the Bosnian girl comes back and wants to just hang out with Mike and talk.  Like the rest of the men in the house, Mike has no idea how to talk to a girl that might not have sex with him.  It’s super-awkward and terrible and like most encounters that Mike has.  Oh, and Deena brings home a guy.  That’s pretty weird too.

Moving on, the next morning it’s officially Pauly’s birthday and his entire family shows up, thus lowering the population of Rhode Island by 25%.  His first gift is that his mom has brought his home barber there to cut his hair.  You know, the standard thing that your mom gets you for your 31st birthday.  Deena and Snooki decide they’re going to get strippers for the party.  At the pre-stripper dinner, everybody eats way too big of portions at a restaurant (you know, how quantity is better than quality when it comes to food, right?), and Mike decides to mope because Pauly’s having a good time.  Like you do with your friends.  Then Mike’s moping turns into napping and crazy cartoon music plays as everyone decides to play pranks on Mike.  It’s hilarious, if your sense of humor peaked at a fraternity hazing.

Back at the house, Sammi frosts the cake for Pauly’s birthday.  She draws a picture of Pauly’s head on it, and Mrs. DLW notes that she thought it was a picture of Bart Simpson.  Word, Mrs. DLW.  So much word.  Mike continues to mope at the shore house because the cake was just for Pauly not him too.  Jenn tries to engage him, but Mike is having far too much fun being frustrated and self-pitying.  He laments being the “bad guy” of the house and decides to take off.  But I think he loves the cameras too much to be gone for long.

And yet: no strippers and no exposing of the Snooki-Mike affair.  So many loose ends this week!

Instead of giving you a few extra things, let me just list everything that is supposedly done “for Vinny:”

• Pauly brings home a random girl and has sex with her
• Deena gets drunk
• Snooki gets really drunk
• Ronnie wears skinny jeans
• Pauly brings home another random girl (this one with tattoos) and has sex with her in Vinny’s bed

These guys, they’re always putting Vinny first, aren’t they?

All right, get your barber, hire some strippers, and make some comments below.  Do it for Vinny.