Don't even think about yelling "Spoiler." You knew this was coming.

I’m going to be honest: I watched the finale of Homeland before watching last night’s Revenge, and my brain was still kind of reeling and trying to process the Homeland finale, so it’s possible that I missed a lot of stuff going on in Revenge. Maybe. I feel like as I was watching, I was furiously typing out my notes, but somehow my mind wasn’t paying attention. So we’ll see how good my fingers are at gathering meaningful information. (I got through both college and grad school, so I have full confidence in my fingers and their ability to retain information that my brain somehow missed.) I just wanted to give you all a head’s up in case this recap is a little less thorough than normal. (Also, if you want to chat with me about Homeland, feel free to do it in comments or on Twitter.)

Alright, so last night’s episode, “Commitment,” was really heavy. There was a lot of Conrad (understandably) yelling and brooding, and Victoria getting pushed off her pedestal and actually having a legitimate, full-on emotional breakdown. There was also a lot of rain. I wonder how much money was budgeted for water in this episode, because I’m pretty sure their water bill cost about as much as it would to buy my three-bedroom apartment.

So, the episode starts off with Emanda showing Nolan the Charlotte Clarke Video she stole from Mason Treadwell. It very much seems as though Nolan took the information much harder than Emanda did—he asks what she’s going to do and she detachedly states that the fact that Charlotte is her half-sister is of no consequence to her and that her feelings about anyone and everyone are irrelevant anyway because this is about REVENGE! But she is bothered by the fact that David Clarke told Treadwell about Charlotte, but that probably important tidbit is nowhere to be found in the journals he supposedly wrote to her. (Could this be because BATMAN NOLAN wrote them?! I’m not going to let this theory of mine go, y’all.) So Emanda goes about her revenge business, making a copy of the tape of Clarke insinuating that he is Charlotte’s real father to send to Conrad’s divorce attorney, so that she can fuck up the Graysons’ entire world. Fittingly, the rest of the episode of very Grayson-centric.

The Graysons

• Queen Bee V still doesn’t want Daniel to marry Emanda, especially now that she thinks Daniel has figured out a way to get her the Grayson company shares without him needing to get married.. Daniel tells her to get over it.

• Meanwhile, Conrad is being buddy-buddy with Declan. He announces that he wants to send him to the prep school Charlotte attends, and has already paid for tuition in full because Charlotte has been so happy. All Declan  has to do is pass the entrance exam, and the ticket to pre-Ivy league douchebaggery is his to claim. I actually sort of felt bad for Declan in this scene because everything he’s ever wanted is basically being handed to him on silver platter and we all know that he’s going to work his ass off to pass that exam, only to have Conrad rescind the tuition money at the last second, probably on the first day of school when Declan is already there, happily wearing his school crest-emblazoned blazer, embarrassing Declan and sending him into a lifetime of therapy and anger management issues. Or maybe Declan will vow to get REVENGE on the Graysons too. That surely wouldn’t go well.

• The Grayson divorce mediation proceedings continue, only this time Conrad has the upper hand. He lets the bomb drop about his seeing the Charlotte Clarke Video, which, btw, does not confirm that Charlotte is a Clarke. It just has David saying that he believes Charlotte is of his loins because he had a favorite aunt named Charlotte, and V knew that information, and so surely she named Charlotte as a clue to David. It’s all a little conjecturey to me, but definitely plausible. Conrad’s lady attorney announces that will be ordering a paternity test because she isn’t stupid, and  then Conrad threatens V that if Charlotte isn’t his then she better not try to get anything out of the divorce other than her maiden name back. I’m pretty sure he also called her a whore.

• V’s attorney is pissed that V didn’t tell him that the affair she had was with David Clarke and that she withheld the information about Charlotte’s genes.

• Because V thinks that “Amanda Clarke” must have burned down Treadwell’s home and stolen the interview tapes, she tells Ashley to invite Amily over for tea. V, in a very passive-aggressive move, devises a strawberry test—you see, Little Amanda was very allergic to strawberries. So when Amily, who looks very pretty, seductively eats one (What is it about watching women eat fruit that is so seductive? I mean, really.) of the strawberries as well as having some crème fraiche, V calls her out on it. Amily easily says she outgrew the allergy. Pretty soon, V cuts to the chase and confronts her Amily about why she thinks V had an affair with David Clarke. Amily holds her own and says something about how her memory of that time is just as good as V’s. V counters by saying that she isn’t all that certain the little girl was actually her, then she asks Amily why she sent the interview tape to Conrad. Amily insists that she has no idea what V is referring to and then leaves. The lawyer quickly sweeps in grabs the spoon Amily had in her mouth so he can do a DNA test against Charlotte’s DNA to confirm/deny whether or not Amily is actually Amanda Clarke. This threw me into a mild panic attack.
• PATERNITY TEST RESULTS: Conrad is NOT the father. And he is not playing games. He basically tells V that he’ll give Charlotte to the media and allow her entire future to be jeopardized when she is proclaimed to be the love child of a terrorist. He also brusquely tells Charlotte that she needs to move out because he’ll be really busy with work all summer and won’t be in the Hamptons often.
• On the Daniel side of things, he is all kinds of going to propose, and Ashley finds out and sees the ring right after she overhears Conrad yelling at V about the whole paternity business. Ashley isn’t exactly supportive of Daniel’s decision to propose because she’s a selfish bitch.

The Porters

• Emanda goes looking for Amily at The Stowaway basically right afte she and Jack get back from Atlantic City, where they lost big. Emanda reminds Amily that they had a breakfast date. So they head off together and Emanda tells Amily she thinks V burned down Treadwell’s cabin and that V despises Amanda Clarke. Emanda tells Amily to get out of town and lay low for awhile. Amily did not take kindly to that request.

• For reasons that I’m still not really clear on, Emanda broke into Jack’s apartment above The Stowaway to plant Treadwell’s stolen tapes in Amily’s stuff. Jack sees Emanda and she says she was looking for Amily, and he informs her that Victoria summoned her to tea. Jack then  thanks Emanda for being so nice to Amily and I just want her to tell him the freaking truth. I’m also really, really annoyed that he hasn’t figured it out yet. I mean, seriously, if he had carried a love that deep for Amanda Clarke for that long, wouldn’t he just inherently know that Amily isn’t her? But then again, all he’s ever wanted is to have her back, so now that he “does,” I’m sure that he’s more than willing to believe it. Sigh. Anyway, Emanda tells him to be careful.

• Nolan overhears Amily and Jack talking about the tea party, which Amily is PISSED about. Nolan takes Amily aside and tells her to shut up because Jack can’t know anything, and that if she wants answers to go ask Emanda herself.
• WHERE IS SAMMY?

• A little later on in the episode, Amily gets hit on by a dude at the bar and it’s just obvious that the guy is bad news bears. A few scenes later, Jack finds the same dude upstairs going through the bedroom, taking the tapes that Emanda had placed in there. Naturally, they fight and Jack ends up loosing. :( Wait, that makes it sound like he died. HE DIDN’T DIE, PEOPLE. He just got knocked out. There is more to the Porter side of things, but I’m gonna make you wait for a little bit for it, because now it’s time for . . .

Event of the Week: The Proposal

Y’all, as much as I don’t ship Emanda and Daniel, I really liked his proposal. He took Emanda on the same boat where they first met at the Labor Day party and hired a string quartet to play. He then very succinctly tells her that he’s never felt more supported or loved by anyone ever in his life and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I love how straightforward it was. There was no big performance (ok, they are on a boat with a string quartet in the Hamptons. But, y’all, it could have been so much more over the top than that), he didn’t put the ring in a dessert or champagne, and he didn’t propose in front of a crowd of people. It was just them and the rain and their feelings. It was pretty simple and straight forward. Huzzah, Daniel. So, SHE SAYS YES!!!!!!! But we already knew that was going to happen. Then Emanda and Daniel make out in the pouring rain, just like in a Taylor Swift song.

After the proposal, the very giddy and soaking wet couple go over to Grayson Manor to announce their engagement to Queen Bee V, who does her best to feign happiness, but really fails for reasons that we can all understand, but also probably a little bit because she’s a bitch. She does say congrats though because she isn’t a complete and total monster. Yet.

Daniel tells Conrad about the proposal on his own. Conrad is naturally concerned that Daniel is using the proposal to help V get the company shares. Daniel tries to appeal to the romantic in his dad by talking about how at one point Conrad must have really loved Victoria and how he should think about how happy he was then and how that’s exactly how Daniel feels about Emanda . . .  but that doesn’t really work because Conrad is uber-bitter about the paternity reveal. He tells Daniel to really think about it because in the end Emanda will probably hide a secret so big and earth-shattering from him that he’ll never be able to forgive her.

Because Daniel isn’t an idiot, he asks V about whatever the big secret is and V tells him the truth since she knows it’ll all come out anyway. We then get a nice little V/David Clarke sexytimes flashback, and then V actually has an emotional breakdown. However, because Daniel cannot see into his mother’s mind and has no idea that they had a legitimate affair, he infers that David Clarke raped his mom and that Charlotte is a rape baby instead of a love baby. And considering how V has always treated Charlotte when compared to Daniel, I guess that is a logical conclusion for him to come to.

Anyway, while all that is happening, Charlotte shows up at Emanda’s looking for Daniel. She ends up telling Emanda that Conrad unceremoniously kicked her out and is on the verge of a freak out when she spots the engagement ring. Emanda assures her that Daniel wanted to tell Charlotte in person before she found out, but Charlotte is too overjoyed to care. She grabs Emanda in a big hug and says, “You have no idea how badly I’ve always wanted a sister.” I said “awe” aloud. Yes, I did. And, y’all, as annoying as Charlotte and Declan have been, I really want things to be ok for Charlotte in the end. And then I remember that she finds a body who may or may not be her brother’s on a beach. Crap. Anyway, sometime after Charlotte leaves, Nolan goes to Emanda’s and tells her about Jack’s beat down, and then tells her it was her fault since she planted the tapes in The Stowaway. Then, after that, Emanda meets with the divorce attorney, and we learn how Charlotte and “Amily’s” DNA ended up matching (Oh, yeah. That happened.)—he switched the DNA sample with one from Emanda. He assures her that he still believes David Clarke was innocent, but then announces that he doesn’t want to be apart of the plan anymore due to the violence. He advises that she reassess.

So, Emanda goes to Jack’s, looks at him all bloody and battered in the early morning light. Emanda and Amily have a little meeting wherein Emanda tells Amily everything about the Graysons framing her dad and that Victoria hired the dude who beat up Jack and stole the tapes back after the DNA was confirmed. She insists Amily leave, and gives her a new phone and identity. Emanda says she’ll say good-bye to Jack for Amily. And this time, at least to our knowledge right now, Amily actually does leave. The next morning, when Jack wakes up, Declan tells Jack that Amily is gone and hands him the note she left. While he’s reading it, the camera pans down and we see a lone interview tape hiding under Jack’s bed.

Then we see Nolan and Emanda on the beach. He’s pissed at her and she says it’s a good time to press pause and regroup because maybe there’s a better way to get back at Victoria than to marry her son. She tells Nolan that she plans to give Daniel the ring back and tell him that she needs to give it some more thought. That is until she actually talks to Daniel. He tells Emanda that about how Charlotte Grayson is really Charlotte Clarke and then proceeds to call David Clarke a mad man and a terrorist, and tell Emanda that Clarke raped his mother. (OH BOY Y’ALL.) Emanda asks if Victoria said that, but Daniel doesn’t give a definitive answer. Then Emanda asks, “How’s June for the wedding?” OMG, IT IS SOOOOOO ON.

So how’d my fingers do at taking notes on this episode while my mind was off digesting Homeland? Tell me all of the things I might have missed (because they’re probably clues to something HUGE) and all of your thoughts and feelings and theories and fantasy-proposals (or real proposals! Those are better!) in comments.

Oh, and this. I really liked this little bit of Ashley/Nolan dialogue: “All I’ve got to show for this summer is a psychotic, gun-wielding ex-boyfriend who made out with you.”

Alright, now I’m really done. TO THE COMMENTS!