This week Taters was once again one of the hardest working supporting cast members as the first storyline of the night centers on Penny and her man troubles. A real shocker, right? I’ve actually kind of missed Penny’s dating shenanigans and her Single White Female tendencies. After interrupting Jane and Brad, who were partaking in some wine drinking and enjoying a date night, to complain about her date with her cross-country skiing obsessed (because that’s a normal hobby) and newly dumped boyfriend, Jane offers her some sound advice. Basically Jane told her to stop being slutty Play-Doh by molding herself into what the guy likes and instead turn the dude into an Easy Bake oven recipe and bake him until he’s perfect and just the way she wants him. It’s what Jane did with Brad, or so she says, which makes me believe that Jane wanted Chocolate Mousse, not Chocolate Instant Jello pudding. Anyway, Jane then suggests that Penny give Jeff a shot. Penny is apprehensive at first because Jeff is forever 21 (no pun intended) but Jane tells Penny that it doesn’t matter since the goal is to mold him into the perfect guy. Plus he’s a baller at trivia. SOLD.
Penny actually turns out to be the Man Child Whisperer as she is able to get Jeff to turn his wannabe dorm room into a fly bachelor pad that even I’m envious of, as well as convince him to give up his Chicago Blackhawks jerseys for typical Banana Republic button ups. Personally, I would have kept the jerseys if I was Jeff. I mean when else is it acceptable to wear a giant Native American face on your chest in pretty stereotypical fashion? Besides Pen, did you ever think maybe he sweats a lot and the jersey was made of that DrI-Fit material to keep him cool and dry? Of course not. Penny did such a great job that when Jeff ran into his ex-girlfriend at a flea market buying wall sconces at Pen’s suggestion, he and his old flame end up getting engaged. You should have let him keep his vernacular of frat speak, Pen. Just had to go for the perfect score, didn’t you? If you hadn’t you could have been telling those Serta sheep to fuck off from Jeff’s perfectly set sleep number bed. Next time aim your goals a little lower.
As Penny was busy getting her Weird Science on, Brad decided to prove to Jane that he was still the same guy he was in college, and that Jane didn’t change him like she thinks she did. This apparently involves reverting back to a sort of rastafarian/ska-loving/Jackass obsessed Brad WITH DREADS YOU GUYS! My absolute favorite thing of the entire night was Blackass. The front somersault off the trampoline onto a bathmat covered with pudding cups (shit I didn’t realize my whole pudding comparison earlier had fucking merit. I’m just that good, I guess.) surrounded by mousetraps? I could watch that scene over and over again (and I have) for the rest of my life. In fact, I really need Blackass with Damon Wayans Jr. to be real thing because he is my absolute favorite human being ever after that. Jane, on the other hand, isn’t too happy with Retro Brad since she’s worked so hard making him into a responsible and respected husband figure. So she does what any woman would do: takes away all of his current favorite things and makes him live by his college standards. This meant no dry-aged NY strip steaks or relaxing lavender bubble baths for Old Brad. What it did mean was life of looking forward to eating nothing but turkey dogs and cereal topped off with showers-only living.
Side note—Turkey dogs, Brad? If you’re going to eat wiener shaped food at least make sure it’s tasty and full of shit bad for you otherwise you’re just doing it wrong. Bananas are obviously the one caveat to this argument. If you’re going to eat a banana just make sure you have wind machine blowing in your face so you look sexy doing it. Rules of Stephanie to live by there. Write them down & spread the gospel. Also what is up with this cereal Old Brad?:
ANYWAY, moving on from my reservations about turkey dogs (I won’t even get started about how I think baths are Nasty with a capital ‘N’), Jane is dead set in making Brad acknowledge that she changed him for the better because, you know, she’s psychotic like that. Seriously who else would use fans to blow candle fragrance downstairs to torture their significant other? Everyone else would realize that the smell would dissipate before reaching Brad in the kitchen. What Jane should have done was light a bunch of the candles & hid them in spots around the condo so he’s engulfed in the scent no matter where he goes. THAT would be the proper way to torture him about the no bath rule. Jane eventually comes around to realize that BOTH her and Brad have changed each other thanks to Penny pointing out some of Jane’s finer (quite the opposite) moments from college. J-Dog then does the unbelievable: she tells Brad she was wrong and that she was sorry, all while dressed up like a Gwen Stefani-wannabe like she was in school. And before you know they’re making sweet, sweet loving to dry-aged steaks in their grown up attire celebrating their past, present, and future selves.
Side note #2—Y’all, I’ve never wanted a flashback episode so bad that as I want one of the gang back in college. It HAS TO happen. There are too many possible hilarious moments for it to never transpire. Jane and Brad tokin’ up at a Phish concert, Max trying to navigate the waters of the gay and lesbian scene, Penny shamelessly hooking up with prep-tastic frat guys, Dave trying to teach Alex elementary math. See how magical it could be? Let’s invoke The Secret and get the universe to make this happen.
The last plot story of the night saw Max and Alex, who have become obsessed with Intervention type reality shows, host their own intervention for our favorite V-neck addict, Dave. The catalyst for this important life moment, besides bordeom? Dave changing into four different V-necks in a single day. I’m betting it was the emergenc-tee that sealed the deal. I actually feel bad for the guy because he just can’t win. First Al leaves him at the alter and now she’s trying to take away his security blanket. What’s next guys? You going to tell him he has to save off his goatee or he has to give up his Fem Rock collection? At least Scotty brought the Funions. In case you didn’t know Funions are a must have intervention food along with spray cheese and Oreos. I mean, if you’re going to destroy a person by telling them how fucked up they are in a very self-obsessed way you might as well treat them to some yummy trans fats & preservatives.
My favorite part of this storyline wasn’t anything that any of the characters did, it was how self aware the writers are of the show which you guys know I love. For real, you can’t help but love a show and group of writers who aren’t afraid to poke fun of themselves. Not every show would address glaring but hilarious quirks in their characters whether it be Dave’s love affair with the deep-V, Alex’s lack of consumer base, Jane’s penchant to be all WASP-y, or Penny’s constant use of A-MAH-ZING. Brad, as you all know, is perfect so he doesn’t fall into this trap.
Another reason I loved this plot is because it made me realize I am Dave and Dave is me as I too have a problem. I’m not talking about how I have to watch each Happy Endings episode like ten times before I get my fill (I don’t really consider that a problem though). No, like Dave, I have unhealthy attachment to V-necks (Dave’s right, they’re so comforting and inviting) but I didn’t realize it until Scotty, Alex, and Max were telling Dave the words I didn’t want to hear. Upon realizing that a fake intervention was actually affecting me like a real intervention would I knew it was time to face my addiction. So in the first step to recovery I present to y’all evidence numbero uno, the V-neck tee collection:
Guys, that’s only my J.Crew Vintage V-Neck collection. You don’t even want to see my entire collection of shirts, sweaters, and tees all with that tell-tell ‘V’. It really is a sickness but the first step is admitting I have a problem, right? So thank you Happy Endings for making me come face to face with a problem I was too scared to admit to. I think the only thing left to do is write a letter to the V-necks of the world.
Dear V-Neck collars,
Oh how I love y’all and your open embraces. Never once did y’all choke me or make my head look like a tree sprouting from a hole in the ground. Y’all were always there when I needed you to circulate a gentle breeze across my skin and when I was too lazy to take the towel off my head before putting my shirt on. But most of all, y’all helped make my boobs look good when I really needed it and for that I can never thank you enough. We have certainly shared many memories together but I’ve come to realize that maybe it’s for the best if we take a break from each other for a little while. Those boat necks deserve some attention too (don’t worry those bastards, the crew necks, will never get any love from me). Know that this separation isn’t forever as I’ll still enjoy your company from time to time but for now I need to learn how to quit you so to become a more equal opportunist dresser.
Forever yours with a deep heart,
- Why the hell didn’t Penny leave her ski rentals with the dude? I mean what the fuck, pawn returning that shit off onto someone else.
- I was really hoping Scotty was going to confess he was addicted to Funions. Vicodin is just so typical.
- I’m going to need to see a flashback of Jane singing No Doubt karaoke in full Gwen Stefani garb.
- Brad dry heaving at the turkey dog fills me with vindication about my earlier turkey dog stance.
- Alex’s math skills might explain why she never has costumers.
- I would watch Room & Hoard.
- All the ‘V’ references were giving me flashbacks to True Blood and I was secretly hoping for crazy, V-ed out, and shirtless Jason Stackhouse to make an appearance.
- The ginger with the cat in the bar—TOTAL Prince Harry lookalike. Of course I was tired when I watched so I could have been hallucinating.
- What the fuck are these and where can I get them?:
That’s it for me this week. I leave you with some of my favorite quotes below. Also don’t forget to talk to me in the comments section. I need the validation of seeing that comments number rise and rise and rise. Plus it’s my goal to check everyone else’s ass on here and when the most commented on recap award. We’re competitive like that at OCTV. Was Blackass your most favorite thing ever? Would you do Jane dressed like G. Stefani? How many v-necks do you own? Hit me up down below!
Favorite quotes of the night:
- “It’s like Nordic Trac only with wolves!”
- “Year of Penny, suck it.”
- “What? A brother can’t staple his together now?”
- “Seriously click it or ticket.”
- “I’m gonna put on my jammies.”
- “Did y’all Zamboni?”
- “Did you puck?” (Almost the title)
- “It’s like he’s squatting in a vacant Bennigan’s.”
- “The beat night giglo facial hair.”
- “I think my baker’s ripping me off.”
- “Humor mood activated.”
- “It’s a farmer’s v.”
- “Ugh, gentrification!”
- “Welcome to Sex Town.”
- “I haven’t v-ed in three days!”
- “Clutch the pearls!”
- “I forgot how hard you rocked those Gwen Stefani cholo eyebrows.” “No doubt.”
PS—I wanted to include a gif of Brad’s Blackass stunt SO BAD but leaving that for HBC’s gif post. You’re welcome, HBC.