ANYWAY, moving on from my reservations about turkey dogs (I won’t even get started about how I think baths are Nasty with a capital ‘N’), Jane is dead set in making Brad acknowledge that she changed him for the better because, you know, she’s psychotic like that. Seriously who else would use fans to blow candle fragrance downstairs to torture their significant other? Everyone else would realize that the smell would dissipate before reaching Brad in the kitchen. What Jane should have done was light a bunch of the candles & hid them in spots around the condo so he’s engulfed in the scent no matter where he goes. THAT would be the proper way to torture him about the no bath rule. Jane eventually comes around to realize that BOTH her and Brad have changed each other thanks to Penny pointing out some of Jane’s finer (quite the opposite) moments from college. J-Dog then does the unbelievable: she tells Brad she was wrong and that she was sorry, all while dressed up like a Gwen Stefani-wannabe like she was in school. And before you know they’re making sweet, sweet loving to dry-aged steaks in their grown up attire celebrating their past, present, and future selves.

Side note #2—Y’all, I’ve never wanted a flashback episode so bad that as I want one of the gang back in college. It HAS TO happen. There are too many possible hilarious moments for it to never transpire. Jane and Brad tokin’ up at a Phish concert, Max trying to navigate the waters of the gay and lesbian scene, Penny shamelessly hooking up with prep-tastic frat guys, Dave trying to teach Alex elementary math. See how magical it could be? Let’s invoke The Secret and get the universe to make this happen.

The last plot story of the night saw Max and Alex, who have become obsessed with Intervention type reality shows, host their own intervention for our favorite V-neck addict, Dave. The catalyst for this important life moment, besides bordeom? Dave changing into four different V-necks in a single day. I’m betting it was the emergenc-tee that sealed the deal. I actually feel bad for the guy because he just can’t win. First Al leaves him at the alter and now she’s trying to take away his security blanket. What’s next guys? You going to tell him he has to save off his goatee or he has to give up his Fem Rock collection? At least Scotty brought the Funions. In case you didn’t know Funions are a must have intervention food along with spray cheese and Oreos. I mean, if you’re going to destroy a person by telling them how fucked up they are in a very self-obsessed way you might as well treat them to some yummy trans fats & preservatives.

My favorite part of this storyline wasn’t anything that any of the characters did, it was how self aware the writers are of the show which you guys know I love. For real, you can’t help but love a show and group of writers who aren’t afraid to poke fun of themselves. Not every show would address glaring but hilarious quirks in their characters whether it be Dave’s love affair with the deep-V, Alex’s lack of consumer base, Jane’s penchant to be all WASP-y, or Penny’s constant use of A-MAH-ZING. Brad, as you all know, is perfect so he doesn’t fall into this trap.

Another reason I loved this plot is because it made me realize I am Dave and Dave is me as I too have a problem. I’m not talking about how I have to watch each Happy Endings episode like ten times before I get my fill (I don’t really consider that a problem though). No, like Dave, I have unhealthy attachment to V-necks (Dave’s right, they’re so comforting and inviting) but I didn’t realize it until Scotty, Alex, and Max were telling Dave the words I didn’t want to hear. Upon realizing that a fake intervention was actually affecting me like a real intervention would I knew it was time to face my addiction. So in the first step to recovery I present to y’all evidence numbero uno, the V-neck tee collection:

My private shame. 15 V-neck tees and I'm already wanting more. Help me!

Guys, that’s only my J.Crew Vintage V-Neck collection. You don’t even want to see my entire collection of shirts, sweaters, and tees all with that tell-tell ‘V’. It really is a sickness but the first step is admitting I have a problem, right? So thank you Happy Endings for making me come face to face with a problem I was too scared to admit to. I think the only thing left to do is write a letter to the V-necks of the world.

Dear V-Neck collars,

Oh how I love y’all and your open embraces. Never once did y’all choke me or make my head look like a tree sprouting from a hole in the ground. Y’all were always there when I needed you to circulate a gentle breeze across my skin and when I was too lazy to take the towel off my head before putting my shirt on. But most of all, y’all helped make my boobs look good when I really needed it and for that I can never thank you enough. We have certainly shared many memories together but I’ve come to realize that maybe it’s for the best if we take a break from each other for a little while. Those boat necks deserve some attention too (don’t worry those bastards, the crew necks, will never get any love from me). Know that this separation isn’t forever as I’ll still enjoy your company from time to time but for now I need to learn how to quit you so to become a more equal opportunist dresser.

Forever yours with a deep heart,

Stephanie

• Why the hell didn’t Penny leave her ski rentals with the dude? I mean what the fuck, pawn returning that shit off onto someone else.
• I was really hoping Scotty was going to confess he was addicted to Funions. Vicodin is just so typical.
• I’m going to need to see a flashback of Jane singing No Doubt karaoke in full Gwen Stefani garb.
• Brad dry heaving at the turkey dog fills me with vindication about my earlier turkey dog stance.
• Alex’s math skills might explain why she never has costumers.
• I would watch Room & Hoard.
• All the ‘V’ references were giving me flashbacks to True Blood and I was secretly hoping for crazy, V-ed out, and shirtless Jason Stackhouse to make an appearance.
• The ginger with the cat in the bar—TOTAL Prince Harry lookalike. Of course I was tired when I watched so I could have been hallucinating.
• What the fuck are these and where can I get them?:

Salt & pepper shakers? Paper weights? WHAT ARE THEY?

That’s it for me this week. I leave you with some of my favorite quotes below. Also don’t forget to talk to me in the comments section. I need the validation of seeing that comments number rise and rise and rise. Plus it’s my goal to check everyone else’s ass on here and when the most commented on recap award. We’re competitive like that at OCTV. Was Blackass your most favorite thing ever? Would you do Jane dressed like G. Stefani? How many v-necks do you own? Hit me up down below!

Favorite quotes of the night:

• “It’s like Nordic Trac only with wolves!”
• “Year of Penny, suck it.”
• “What? A brother can’t staple his together now?”
• “Seriously click it or ticket.”
• “I’m gonna put on my jammies.”
• “Did y’all Zamboni?”
• “Did you puck?” (Almost the title)
• “It’s like he’s squatting in a vacant Bennigan’s.”
• “The beat night giglo facial hair.”
• “I think my baker’s ripping me off.”
• “Humor mood activated.”
• “It’s a farmer’s v.”
• “Ugh, gentrification!”
• “Welcome to Sex Town.”
• “I haven’t v-ed in three days!”
• “Clutch the pearls!”
• “I forgot how hard you rocked those Gwen Stefani cholo eyebrows.” “No doubt.”

PS—I wanted to include a gif of Brad’s Blackass stunt SO BAD but leaving that for HBC’s gif post. You’re welcome, HBC.