Glee. My mom says I have ‘Get Down’ Syndrome.

Well…that happened.  I hated so much about this episode that I was honestly kind of shocked to see that not everyone felt the same way (et tu, SB??? I saw your twitter feed).  I mean, we’re talking about an episode focused on Will, Emma, Rachel and Finn, so already you know things are going to be annoying and probably a little inappropriate (that would be the Schue Factor).  Add to that the fact that so many of the songs were ugh (at least, for me they were), the stories were more disjointed and out of left field than usual, and throw in a plot that ended up being kind of sweet but because this was Glee I spent the whole time cringing in anticipation of something horrible (and, I’m sorry, but it did get a little horrible).

So no, this will not be a post in which I praise Glee for finally getting something right, or celebrate the fact that at least the music was awesome.  So if you are someone who can’t stand to see the show criticized or who uses the terms ‘Wemma’ or ‘Finchel’ without irony, you’ll probably just want to move on right now.

The show was such a mish-mash there is absolutely no point in coherently discussing things like ‘story’ or ‘plot’, so let’s just go into random attack mode, shall we?

• Summer Nights – My best friend and I (what up, Kim!) used to practice singing and dancing to the Grease soundtrack like it was our job back in elementary school, so I am very familiar with this song, and sorry, Glee’s version was sucky.  It was all chopped up and just nowhere near the awesomeness of the original (if you consider the original to be awesome, which I do, so shut up).  It was also totally unrelated to anything else that was going on.  But then, so was pretty much everything in this episode.  Also, it started with Puck kissing Sam’s hand for some reason?

Is this supposed to be a Godfather reference?

• Wedding Bell Blues – Will and Emma on a wedding cake – vom.  The ladies of Designing Women rocked this song way harder, and they were lip synching while wearing pajama bottoms on their heads.  Also, way to be timely with the Royal Wedding hat reference!  The corpse of that meme has been rotting for months.

This is what nightmares are made of.

• Moves Like Jagger – I have only heard this song once I think, so I have no opinion on the interpretation (other than the fact that in general, I hate this song).  But the STAGING and PREMISE!!!  RIDICULOUS!!!!  Really, what girl hasn’t imagined being proposed to by an Adam Levine wannabe while he pirouettes in slow motion in a deep-V and skinny scarf?  It’s the dream, obviously.
• While we’re on this subject, Will Schuester is officially the devil, right?  As much as the show wants us to think he’s the second coming (more on that bullshit later), he’s both a loser and a total dickhead.  The loser part doesn’t make him the devil, but it adds a layer of pathetic to his supreme dickishness.  So, he decides to propose to his girlfriend and ASSIGNS HIS STUDENTS the task of planning, choreographing and selecting his big proposal number?  And he wants OPTIONS?  And he entertains the idea of ‘Moves Like Jagger’ as a proposal song long enough to perform the entire thing?  He just can’t pass up an opportunity to gyrate with the young’ns.
• ‘You taught me what it means to be a man’.  Eau my gawd.  Inappropriate AND patently false.  Finn is an overgrown third grader, at best.
• Becky is SUUUUUCH a racist!!! So, she won’t entertain the notion of dating Mike Chang, one of the hotter guys at McKinley, because she’s ‘no rice queen’?  Cool.  And no, Helen Mirren’s voiceover doesn’t help.  Although she herself is flawless.
• Bieste, everyone’s favorite, is again treated like the awful disgusting cow that Ryan Murphy clearly thinks she is.  TWO celebratory elopement chickens! Michael Chiklis in a wig!  It’s a miracle Cooter even deigned to marry her, am I right?  God, Ryan Murphy, you suck so much.

Coach Punching Bag gorging on chicken.

• Ginger supremacist in-laws – this was stupid the first time, and the Comrade Obama joke was not so much funny as simply an imitation of whoever happens to be on Fox News at any point during the month of December.
• Becky sexting Artie.  I’m SORRY, does it make me a bad person that this made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE????

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.......

• Sue being compassionate and helpful.  Again.  Because fuck them.  At this point, Sue is purely a plot device – she has no inherent characteristics.  Which means that she is completely worthless as a character.  You know next week she’ll be back to some insane, over-the-top monstrous behavior, so what’s the point in getting jazzed that she held Becky’s hand?  Fuckit.
• The whole ‘Finn’s dad was a drug addict so Finn shouldn’t join the army’ thing.  Nothing says ‘shoehorned in’ like a huge, big-stakes story line that came and went in the course of one episode.  I mean, okay, you wanted to give Finn a reason to pop the question to his annoying as fuck girlfriend. But you didn’t need THAT.  That should have been something that happened over a couple of episodes at least, but they shot their whole wad in two scenes instead.

My face the entire time I watched this episode.

• Finn’s proposal.  UUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.  In 2012, what 18 year old who isn’t either saving themselves or pregnant and out of driving distance of a Planned Parenthood would actually consider getting married?  Especially Rachel ‘I Wanna Be Famous’ Berry?  But it gets worse.  Peep this quote from Cory Monteith in an interview with TV Line: “I can tell you it does pick up where it left off tonight, and in true Glee form, Rachel provides an answer to this proposal in the form of a song.”  UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH: The Sequel.
• Will asking Finn to be his best man.  So, Will is just fully admitting to the fact that he has no friends.  Or life.  Or dignity.  Cool. Cool cool cool cool.
• Will yelling at his girlfriend for having a disease. ‘You know, I think you might just be too fucked in the head for me to marry you.  You’ll probably bleach our babies and then kill yourself or something.’  I’m paraphrasing, but that is the gist.  Emma was hysterically sobbing by the end.

• Will deciding to propose before apologizing for the above-mentioned RELATIONSHIP-ENDING conversation.
• The proposal being a synchronized swim extravaganza for no reason.  Sam joining the synchronized swim team just to facilitate this motherfucking nonsense.

Next week I'll be on the golf team!

• THIS:

Formal Jesus

• GOD.  Will is the worst.  He’s so the worst that they should name a German spreadable meat after him: Schuesterwurst.  I wanted him to fall in the pool and have his tails get caught in the drain so that we could watch him take his last, watery breath while his dumb top hat floated symbolically on the surface.  I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
• Emma accepting a proposal from a man who 12 hours earlier was telling her she was a goddamn lunatic who could never be normal and would fuck up his life.  COOL.

Things that I didn’t hate:

• The Real Housewife who played the swim coach was pretty decent.  Too bad this story line is sure to be forgotten next week, so she’ll never be back!
• Third most hilarious moment: Finn lamenting that he has nothing special or that means anything in his life, while Rachel sat next to him.  Even Kurt was like, ‘oh, snap’!
• Second most hilarious moment: “The assignment wasn’t ‘make everything about Rachel Berry and force everyone to watch’, was it?”  Santana – one of the few characters I genuinely like, tellin’ it like it is.
• Most hilarious moment: see intro gif.  WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???

Okay, I’m out.  I can’t do it anymore.  I know that for some reason lots of people DIDN’T hate this episode?  So, those people, please feel free to justify your beliefs in the comment section.  SANE PEOPLE, let’s commiserate.