Happy Endings. Hawks are my spirit animal.

I don’t typically give out letter grades for shows (I’m more of a 5 gold stars or Slurpees kinda girl) but if I had to rate last night’s episode I’d give it a ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ rating plus 5 Slurpees. That’s right ‘Meet the Parrots’ won the entire alphabet. Beat that every other recap! But seriously, the episode had everything you could want in a Happy Endings comedy block. It had Brax, a racist parrot named Tyler (Is it a coicindence that Revenge had a crazy character named Tyler too?), sibling antics, Dave in V-neck shirts, awesome guest stars, and most importantly it had Jane combing a My Little Pony’s hair. Prentice Price and crew, y’all have out done yourselves. Congrats because now I shall retire and never recap another episode of Happy Endings again. I mean, just where do you go after a racist parrot? I guess Dave could adopt a gerbil who is obsessed with masturbating or Max could become Mayor. I don’t know. That’s shit for the writers to figure out. I’m just here to give my two cents about what goes down each week, so let’s do that.

Lo’ and behold, the gang has moved to Penny’s HoPad™ for this week’s congregation as they engaged in a wicked game of Name That Celebrity and the Kerkovich sisters were KILLING IT.  Though Penny, the third Wild and Crazy Kid to Al & Jane’s, was a little upset that their genetically connected minds were leaving her out like she was the third mini Hostess cupcake that no one wants after getting their fill with the first two. Sorry Pen, but sister telepathy will always trump the shared preference of a tampon brand connection. (Does that make sense? Probably not, but it’s 4 AM so I’m prone to ramble.) Upon their win, Penny shares that she wishes she had a sibling so she could have a bond like Jane and Alex’s. Note that she does NOT wish to have her “pie” crusty like Alex’s. Al, girl, you might want to wash more or visit a doctor and Penny just join the fucking Big Brother/Big Sister program if you want a sibling. The best part about it is you don’t have to deal with the insecurity that comes with wondering which one of you is your parents’ favorite because guess what? YOU WON’T BE FUCKING RELATED. Problem solved. You can thank me later by getting drunk and falling over a podium again.

Break to the first, and most important, storyline of the night which saw Dave’s dad, Big Dave (Michael McKean), coming to town to visit his son and go to some Chicago Cubs baseball signing thing for some dude nicknamed ‘The Hawk’. This is all beside the point as Big D reveals that he’s bringing his new girlfriend who just happens to turn out to be Penny’s mom Dana (yay for Megan Mullaly’s return!). Penny is ecstatic because now she has that little brother in Dave like she’s always wanted. How this manifests into wet willies being okay, I don’t know. Those are fucking gross. Probably not as gross as Penny accidentally ‘credit carding’ Dave when trying to give him a wedgie but still nasty. Don’t even try to fucking do it to me unless you want to get bitch slapped. Just ask Cale who has yet to learn.

Sidenote- In case you don’t know what ‘credit carding’ is, let me explain real fast. It’s basically when you run either your finger or side of your palm up someone’s ass crack real fast on the outside of their pants (typically) like you’re swiping a credit card. Do not ask me how I know shit like this, I just do.

While Penny is busy picking out bunk beds and being overjoyed at having a possible step-brother in Dave (which could play into some weird shit after last week’s episode), queue the transgression of Dave into the Problem Child minus the ginger hair and really awesome pranks. Yep, it appears Dave has not taken his parents divorce as well as everyone thought and poor Ed Begley Jr. seemed to get the brunt of his anger before Dave does what every kid does when they get mad at their parents. He ran away, thus leaving Jane and Penny to meander over to his old childhood home to try to talk some sense into him. While there Penny took time out from being a big sister to inquire about the old bumper pool table she was rotary dialed on by Peter Wong as a kid. Learning fast about the mechanics of the sibling game, Pen. Dave eventually came around to the idea of Dana and his dad dating but only after getting shut down by a sassy little girl after attempting to join in on her Skype session with her Nana.

This storyline was pretty solid and I truly enjoyed Zach Kingston’s portrayal of Dave as a self-obsessed, temperamental little kid. His ‘stupid’ scenes at the holistic medicine expo had me cracking up. I don’t typically talk about Kingston’s acting on the show but he definitely gives Dave funny little quirks that really round out the character. Additionally, Michael McKean being cast as his dad was a solid choice even if they did want Gary Cole in the role originally. However writers since we still have some parents to be introduced, can I please make a request? Can we please, please, please, please, please get Ted Danson to play Jane and Alex’s pop? I NEED to see Eliza Coupe, Elisha Cuthbert, and Teddy D play off each other. Make it happen.

While the first storyline was certainly entertaining and has implied implications for the Dave/Penny debate, I much more preferred subplot B which had Alex recruiting Brax to stake out the Chinese restaurant, Hop Sings, across the way with her as she expected them to be a front for a sex ring around the rosy. Pretty much you give me Brax and a shout out to Alex’s lack of consumers and I’ll love any plot they’re involved in. Also y’all this is a threesome I can get behind especially if a racist parrot bought off Craigslist from a white supremacist named ARyan420 is included. Oh Alex, not only can you not get customers but you also never learned reading comprehension either. Also Max continuously referring to The Wire despite never having seen it was hilarious. As it turns out what they thought was a sex ring was really just an ESL class for immigrants. Oops. It’s ok because Alex ends up offering to let them use her store on Sundays for the class so to give them more room and to keep her company while doing inventory. Yo Al, you have no customers so why do you waste your time with inventory? Just go get drunk at brunch instead.

Guys I’m about to make a statement that might shock y’all. Okay you ready? Alex was by far my favorite of the night. Elisha Cuthbert has certainly come a long way since last season and you can just tell she’s more comfortable in the role and with the jokes. I think being around some truly great comedians has really helped with delivery. It also helps that the writers have recognized that Cuthbert is much better with the zany dialogue and skits than say the overt sarcasm. Alex has really reached the point that she is kind of her own woman show within the show. Okay I feel like I’m rambling here but what I’m really trying to say is that while I may pick on her airhead qualities and lack of business savvy, Cuthbert’s portrayal of Alex is really winning me over this season. You can pick your jaws up off the floor now.

Other thoughts/observations:

• We got a new Brax hand gesture!!!! Don’t worry there’s a gif down below.
• Alex offering to get naked so people hang out with you is so beneath you. Actually, I take that back. Smart move on your part.
• Jane looks really fierce in that green shirt. Also the necklace she’s wearing, I’m pretty sure is by Kendra Scott (a Austin, TX jewelry designer) and I bought my sister the same one in a different color for Christmas.
• The Kerkovich sisters have nothing on the Pierce sisters when it comes to the sister connection. Mainly because one pair is fictional and the other is not but that’s not really the point.
• Prentice Penny has now given us THREE sandwich concoctions to try. I’ve just given us the meatdog last week. You win PP.
• Alex scratching her head with a chicken foot. Gross. Why even order that shit?
• However, Brad trying to stay inconspicuous at the Chinese restaurant by clamping Alex’s mouth shut with the chopsticks. AWESOME. You got some legit chopsticks skills DWJ. Did Major Payne teach you them?
• I wonder if Alex feeds her parrot Fruit Loops?
• Why the hell did Dave throw out the ‘Big Dave’, Max would have loved that sandwich.
• The little girl at Dave’s childhood home is straight up badass with her sarcastic self. May I be your Big Sister little girl?
• Penny was way too nonchalant about running her hand up Dave’s ass.
• Alex drinking out of her sippy cup is the best thing ever. I need to see this cup around more often. Also I’m not ashamed to admit I once contemplated pouring my alcoholic beverage into a sippy cup to avoid spillage.
• I will never look at a rotary phone the same way again.
• Jane doing the ‘Highlights’ magazine activities as a kid is something I HAVE TO see. Seriously, I loved ‘Highlights’. Uber addictive. So I can understand her only using one hand to hold her Yoo-Hoo and then spilling it.
• Y’all Alex had a lisp?! I too suffered for a speech impediment as a kid. Damn you writers for making me like her more because of this! (Sidenote-I couldn’t say my Rs so rabbit became wabbit. Bright side people thought I was from Boston for longest time.)

 

• “I was a big girl. I could do long division with leftovers.” “Remainders.”
• “My dad got bangs.”
• “If you’re not going to play with me, then I’ll play with myself.” (Words every straight man wishes to hear… after ‘Lets have a threesome’.)
• Tyler the racist parrot: “White power.” Alex: “Hold up, wha?”
• “Thanks a lot, Craigslist.”
• “Up, up, and away.” (Coupe’s delivery SOLD this.)
• “Max those were my Tibetan mood rings.” “I’m sorry, Alex.” “It’s okay. Turns out I’m not that upset about it.” (Holds up a blue colored mood ring. If you don’t remember, blue means happy or calm. I don’t remember exactly so lay off assholes.)
• “Big Dave does love yaboos.”
• Big Dave: “So she invites me to hear her sing down at the old Doubletree by the black mall.” Brad: “The what mall?” (Favorite dialogue of the night because I actually know people who refer to one of the local malls as ‘the black mall’.)
• “Hand sani. Be right back!”
• “Oh my god, Hop Sings is running a Kung Pow sex ring right in your neighborhood.”
• “Shut your racist beak you racist…racist!”
• “No more Jean Barn?”
• “Dope. Dopamine.”
• “Stop baby bro-ing me. You’re not Johnny Drama.” (Hells yes to the Entourage shout out.)
• “I don’t know Penny. I don’t have time to read everything that is stuck to me.”
• “All that flaxseed I ate at the expo is starting to repeat on me so…”
• “And over here is the first place I ever master… mastered the keyboard.” (Yeah you did Dave.)
• “I cannot believe we thought Hop Sings was renting tush.”
• “Penny. Jane. Brad. Butterfingers.”
• Max: “Tell where the whores are at!” Brad: “I’m sorry I think he means can we get some eggrolls?” Alex: “The weird ones you have sex with!” Brad: “And she means with duck sauce on the side.”