I don’t know why I continually feel the need to publicly shame my ancestors AND tell you all what total crap I watched on TV over the weekend, and yet I do. I really, really do. And I only mentioned Jersey Shore in the title because I knew if you guys thought I was only talking about paranormal shows you’d totally ignore this. I might do that (I can’t HELP it!) … but it definitely isn’t the only crap I watched so let’s get down to business.
Okay, first of all, I had an awesome weekend, as I think many of you could gather from my hungover Twitter posts. The vast majority of my drinking took place during the Colts game, so I know I was always aware of what the score was, but I never really felt like I had a good handle on what was happening. I don’t know if the Colts played well or like total shit, I just know they won. Meanwhile, they play the Jets next week, who they effectively let into the playoffs. In this particular situation, they better not fucking lose to the Jets, goddammit, or it is on! I will fear for Jim Caldwell, because in a good situation people are burning effigies all over town, and in a bad one, they rip his head from his body, sharpen a broom handle, and parade his head in the streets like this is goddamn Lord of the Flies! Anyway, needless to say, I’ll be watching the action next weekend from the Colts bar here in Chicago (that’s Mullens, for those of you curious googlers), wearing my jersey and eatin’ tots! Oh yeah, believe it.
Sadly, I am still behind on The Real World. I say “sadly” because the crazy is obviously heating up. I’m making it a point to catch up on that one soon.
Okay, so like I’m EVEN going to skip right to Jersey Shore. Get serious. That would be like putting the milk and the eggs in the front of the store and not making you walk past the chips and candy. Biiiiiitch, please.
Speaking of bitch, let’s briefly discuss SNL and how the only skit that made me truly laugh hard was Riley, where Fred Armisen was a foul-mouthed kid at someone else’s dinner table. I just loved how he said bitch and could see myself imitating it for years to come, not to even mention my friend Amity (now on Twitter! and a total pop culture junkie), who accurately described it as a mixture of his Joy Behar and Liberace. You can see the video here (unless you’re a Canadian, in which case, sucks to be you–no matter how much I may like you, which is a lot).
Moving on, I came home and watched my paranormal shows while I was still drunk, which was maybe not the best way to retain the information contained therein (not entirely a bad thing), but also not the worst idea ever because by the end, I was WTFier than ever. Psychic Kids was the usual, except that it actually got weirder–one girl was doing energy healing and the best I can say for it is that it was kind of bizarre, as was the “professional” who was “mentoring” her. And we never found out if it worked. And the other girl could read animal minds, which … I don’t know, on the one hand, a part of me will call eternal bullshit because there’s no way to prove it, or maybe not bullshit but just the doubt is there. On the other hand, if you think they can read people minds, then why the fuck not, right? And it would be cool, and I want her to tell me what my dog is thinking (which, of course, goes back to the old internet meme “your dog wants steak”). But I think he loves me, so I’m just going to go with that. I don’t even WANT to know what my cat is thinking. Yikes.
As for Paranormal State … sweet Jesus. You guys, I am not giving up on this one, maybe not ever, because I NEED for you all to be watching it. I didn’t let up on my Pawn Stars propaganda and a few of you tried it and ended up liking it. I have NO DOUBT that this will be the same. Because just when I think it can’t get any more fucking weird, and funny in a totally embarassing way, it does. Ooooooh … it does.
And seriously, you need to be watching this show if you watch Supernatural, mainly for the internet observations about how the main douche, Ryan, seems to really want to be Dean Winchester. He’s even being followed around by his own demon now, and he tries to use the deep, gravelly voice … it’s SO lame, and so funny, but SO terrible. He’s not just ghost hunting anymore, he’s like … well, on a Winchester holy mission, and it is fucking awkward.
Meanwhile, this episode was probably the most extreme case of someone taking themselves waaaaaaay too fucking seriously that I’ve ever seen. It really can’t be described, it must be seen, because it is bizarre as fuck. Can I PLEASE just describe this to you? Please? Okay, I’m going to. Here goes.
Okay, this whole thing happens in some closed penitentiary in West Virginia, which is conveniently and evilly located next to an Indian burial ground. (Fucking of COURSE. What ISN’T located next to or on an Indian burial ground?) Apparently, Ryan was there a couple months ago, got so scared he pissed his pants and left, but has decided that he really needs to face his fears AND drag “his team” into it, plus create more artificial fear conditions (i.e. isolating them, locking them up, making them turn off lights, etc.).
Now, a normal episode of PS is full of enough bullshit as it is, right, but this one was directed by Ryan’s buddy Chad, so it is extra-super-CHOCK FULL of bullshitty goodness, from the “artistic” camera work to the weird bouncing around in chronology to the “suspenseful” and “dramatic” reveal. SO full of eye roll.
Probably the worst and stupidest part of this whole thing is that Ryan was being such a little bitch and totally refusing to tell anyone what the fuck was going on. I was getting annoyed from my couch, and I sure as hell would’ve been WAY more annoyed if I were one of the people he was locking in fucking solitary confinement. All he would say is that it was connected to his “past experiences with the supernatural” (he always wants someone to ask about it so he can “not talk about it”) and that there was a woman laughing at him. Newsflash, dickweed–EVERYONE is laughing at you. It was SO obnoxious.
Anyway, long story … long … the big reveal was that in the warden’s tower, there was some upside down pentagram window built into the building. Woooooooo. Whatever. Ryan concluded that the only POSSIBLE explanation was devil worship, even though there was totally no evidence there whatsoever. Poor Sergey was stuck trying to talk Ryan down and be the voice of reason … gotta say, Serge has grown on me over the years, and in a good way, whereas Ryan has grown on me like a cancer. A hilarious, irritating cancer, but still a cancer.
For some reason, I can’t completely remember the end, which makes me think I probably was on the verge of passing out by then, but if that isn’t enough to convince you … I don’t even know. I guess I could mention Eilfie, who was wearing goggles over her Stevie Ray Vaughn hat, but seriously … you must see it for yourself. Please. For me. I do everything for you.
Such as … watch Jersey Shore! Yeah, we’re finally there. Thanks for hanging in. :) I’m so glad that I finally started watching this show because it’s like the greatest guilty pleasure of all time. And I’m just really curious if they’re going to bring them all back next year, or recast a la The Real World. Has anyone heard? I’m not even sure what I’d want–part of me never wants to let these guidos and guidettes out of my grasp, and part of me doesn’t want to miss out on whatever untapped crazy there is out there.
Anyway, at the end I was COMPLETELY dying over Ronnie getting arrested. I was all, “What happens next?” and of course, I have to wait. Boooo. And seriously, that is like THE only thing of note to mention in terms of what actually happened on this show–it’s very Entourage-like in that regard. Not much happens, and yet I’m THOROUGHLY entertained.
Meanwhile, I have taken up telling my friends which Jersey Shore person they’d be. My brother is totally a Ronnie, who would fall in love at the Jersey Shore, but still be kind of a dumbass, kind of a sap, but with a scary and weird temper who could really do some damage in a fight. Yikes. Meanwhile, Billy is SO Vinny, who has really grown on me, because he’s so quiet that at first you think he’s kind of boring, but then you realize he’s an undercover instigator who’s always cracking quiet jokes and laughing at everyone around him. I like Vinny, no surprise there.
At this point, I don’t hate any of my friends enough to declare them the Snooki, but seriously, do you guys ever notice how sometimes she’s standing in a shot and she’s not moving, or blinking, or making any expression whatsoever? It’s so fucking weird, like a horror movie or something. Not even JUST a horror movie, a JAPANESE horror movie. Freaks me OUT.
I think that’s more or less it. What crap did YOU watch over the weekend? Anything awesome, or awesomely crappy, or just crappy? Comment time!