Previously on Jersey Shore: It was an even numbered season, and so it wasn’t in New Jersey and it was also disappointing (Jersey Shore is like the mirror image of the Star Trek movies that way). The gang all went to Italy, Snooki became even more horrible than I thought she could be, and I lamented the lack of footage of the actual beautiful parts of Florence, one of my favorite cities in the world. Also, I started a brief career recapping “Ringer,” and then I quit when I kept falling asleep during the show (even though I still love SMG).
And now on Jersey Shore: We weirdly pick up back in Italy. Wait, did the US decide they’re not allowed back in the country? Well done, State Department! Oh, my bad, they’re actually going home. Pauly laments the fact that he cannot get a haircut or a tan in Italy; you know how Italy is filled with pale-skinned hippies. Vinny says he thinks they’ve done all they can do in Florence. Yep, one day of sightseeing and 39 days of drinking, that seems about right.
So our little band of misfits land in the US and go straight to the Jersey Shore. Seriously, they go right from the airport to the shore house. Is this show their full-time job now? There’s roommate drama on the van to Seaside Heights when we learn that nobody wants to room with Mike anymore. Now that scene in the previous season finally makes sense, since it only came three or four days before they were actually going back to the shore house. I never thought I’d be puzzling over Jersey Shore chronology. My mother must be so proud (but there’s no way she reads these). So who finally rooms with the Situation? Ronnie and Sam, the same people who always room with him. Drama solved! (That’s what you’re supposed to do with drama, right?)
To celebrate the return to the house, Snooki drinks out of a pickle jar. There’s nothing metaphorical about that sentence. She picks up the pickle jar, opens it up, tips it back, and drinks the brine out of it. She’s a published author, everybody. After that grossness, the crew goes to the Shore Store and their boss, whose name I refuse to learn, invites them out to a bar the next night. This doesn’t at all seem set up by MTV. It is totally natural. The gang goes to ride the rides of the boardwalk, thus making already disgusting sketchy things even worse.
The next morning, the guys go out to GTL because they’ve been so deprived in Italy. If you’re reading Jersey Shore recaps, I assume you know what the next three scenes entail, so I’m not going to explain it to you. Jenny and Snooki lament their missing boyfriends (is Snooki still going out with him?), while the boys get haircuts. Everybody talks about Vinny’s new haircut for fifteen hours, give or take. This is really MTV’s number one show?
Anyway, the cast makes it to the totally-real boss bar night and all their family and friends are there. Jionni, whose dumb name I keep having to spell, is there, so I guess he’s back in, and so is Snooki’s friend Ryder, and I’m forced to wonder why it couldn’t have been Ryder as a part of the cast. She’s so much better than Deena. Uncle Nino is there too, and I would make fun of him, but there’s a better than average chance that he could have me killed, so I’ll refrain. Ron refers to Uncle Nino as “the ultimate creep,” which is like me referring to someone as sarcastic.
But look who’s here: it’s Mike’s friend, “The Unit.” We’ve heard so much about him last season and now we’re finally getting a glimpse of him. It’s like how they foreshadowed the end of Buffy season 5 at the end of Buffy season 3, except much, much dumber. Snooki, Ryder, the Situation and the Unit have a conversation that mostly consists of the Unit and Snooki yelling and Mike and Ryder saying “stop” about one gajillion times. Snooki is looking more and more guilty in the “did she sleep with Mike” question.
Everybody keeps talking about whether or not the Unit is going to talk to Jionni about Mike and Snooki and it’s the same stupid discussion you had junior year of high school about who cheated with whom, except it’s with people who are in their mid to late twenties and are on my television. They go back to the house, and EVERYBODY KEEPS TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING! Mike’s ready to tell everybody what’s up, but Snooki outsmarts him by going to bed with her boyfriend. Tactical genius, that Snooki.
As burgers are being cooked outside, Deena creepily glares at Ryder and Pauly making out. Then when Pauly takes Ryder back to his bed, Deena comes into the room and sits at the foot of the bed for a few minutes, and then leaves. It is as creepy and awkward as it sounds. Pauly seems to have some odd moral conundrum about not sleeping with Ryder, but then he gets over it really quickly. Way to answer the hard questions, Pauly.
The next morning, we’re STILL harping on the moronic Snooki-Mike deal. Then Snooki gives a half-assed apology to the Unit and nobody’s going to blab about anything. Drama solved, again! Meanwhile, Vinny displays actual human emotions and realizes he misses his family and that being on this show might not be the key to happiness. Ronnie, of course, thinks he should man up and suggests they get a stripper or hooker. Ronnie totally misses his calling; he should really be a psychiatrist.
That night the gang goes to Aztec and it’s the same club scene we’ve always seen, but this time with more Deena-like girls. Pauly and Vinny ditch Aztec and go home and crash, but everybody else stays. Jionni buys Mike a bunch of drinks and, in return, Mike calls Jionni, “the nicest guy I ever met.” Snooki asks why everybody says that to Jionni; because he’s dating you, Snooks. Mainly because of that. At the house, Vinny is in a real funk and he wants to leave the house. Ronnie, of course, refers to it as “spazzing out.” He’s a kind soul.
- During the entire episode, Mrs. DLW and I quoted a recent Beavis & Butthead episode, repeating, “I don’t care for Deena.”
- Snooki makes fun of the Unit because his name is “The Unit.” Let me repeat: SNOOKI makes fun of somebody because of his nickname.
- Was Sammi’s only contribution this episode her line about Mike possibly having “gay tendencies?” If so, that was too much Sammi for me.
- If you enjoy the guys’ mockery of Ryder, an attractive woman who slept with them, stop reading my recaps. You’re gross.
- Ronnie accuses Vinny of “overthinking” things. I imagine that for Ronnie, any thinking is overthinking.
All right, take a shot of pickle juice, make up a stupid nickname for yourself, and tell me what you thought of the episode below. After you’ve finished tanning.