You guys!  Your regular recapper, Melissa, is out sick (not to worry, she gets 100% of her pay … which is zero), so instead, you get my hacky ass.  But at least you’ll have a place to discuss Hart of Dixie.  Oh, who are we kidding.  You’ll have a place to link to gifs of Wade.  That’s what you all come for and who am I to stop you?  But, like I said, I am a shitty replacement, so I come bearing no gifs/pics.  (Maybe a picture fairy will pop in and present you with one later, who can say?)

Here’s what I DO have, though.  I have almost two years in the Tampa Bay under my belt and as such, a newfound fondness and appreciation for all things pirate.  In fact, Billy and I just bought a Tampa Bay Christmas tree ornament of a drunk Santa holding a beer, stuck in a barrel, wearing a pirate hat.  So there’s that.

Alright, quick and dirty recap, to be carried by comments (HINT), here we go.  Zoe was in the usual battle with Brick for patients, but this time there was a midnight deadline.  Ummm … doesn’t midnight seem pretty late for a little private practice?  But if those are the rules, then they’re the rules, I guess.  All I’m saying is, I don’t think you get into family practice to be working till midnight.  BUT I’M NOT A DOCTOR.  It basically comes down to a battle over a kid in a pirate costume (MUCH less annoying than the Parenthood version), and Zoe of course manages to keep her stake in the practice, and also manages to (of course) not make her flight to New York and spend Planksgiving in Bluebell.

Ah … okay.  This might get really awkward, really quick, but … let’s discuss charity.  George and Brick getting people to commit to using a local business?  That seems like a good thing, and charity SORT OF, but barely, and in like a really dignified way.  Making a kid dig up a buried treasure full of five dollar bills and opening it in front of the whole town seems pretty embarassing, right?  I mean, it was a nice gesture, but also like … look at the poor people!  They’re poor!  And these people helped them by giving them work, but I helped by giving them MONEY!  And RICHES!  In a TREASURE CHEST!  It was just so weird and awkward.  I mean … RIGHT?  It was almost as awkward as how many times I’ve said awkward in this post.

Side plot, Lavon fully caught on to Wade’s crush on Zoe and called him out, and then proved it through a series of wacky hijinks.  Lavon concocted an (awesome) plan where Wade would take Zoe to the airport (in the most WADE car ever–seriously, I know we’ve seen that car before, but have we talked about it?  It’s SO WADE) and confess his love for her before she gets on the plane, and it would end in either the most awesome, dramatic, romantic, passionate airport kiss EVAR or she would get on the plane and they’d never talk about it again.  But Zoe is clueless, and Wade is awkward, and they never make it to the airport anyway, but at least one of them is clued in now.

In the other major plotline, George’s terrible parents were back in town and trying to convince George to take over his brother’s spot in his father’s law firm for selfish reasons.  Those two … man, they are master manipulators on par with villains on Saved By The Bell, and George’s dad worked him over with “Son, I’m so proud of you” bullshit, while George’s mother went straight for Lemon’s achilles heel and promised to be the mother she never had.  All of this went straight to hell when Lemon walked in on the two of them cackling over their evil genius in the middle of a drug store (or something), and heard George’s mom telling his dad about how she had to practically offer to breastfeed Lemon, and I admit, that really made me laugh.

Awesomely, Lemon didn’t just tell George or bitch out his mom on the spot, but she decided to go my favorite route and make it SUPER awkward and really lay on the “mama” stuff thick.  So there was like a ton of back and forth about whether George would take the job, but eventually, his parents were revealed to be horrible people and Lemon told them both off in the most spectacularly southern fashion possible and George stormed out on them in a pirate costume.  Hee!  Even BRICK was sort of likable in that scene.

And that pretty much covers it.  You guys, this show is hilarious.  And the thing is, it’s not very good, but it’s still SO AWESOME.  It’s not even awesomely bad hilarious, like in a campy, melodramatic Pretty Little Liars way.  I don’t ironically enjoy it–I really love it with my whole, genuine heart.  It’s a total throwback, and charming, and goofy, but something about it just really works.  I didn’t think that there was room in my TV snob heart for a show where I always know what’s going to happen from start to finish in an episode, but there IS!  I just like the characters, and the silly little stories that always work out, and it’s just very comfy.  I hope it goes on forever.  And also, I live for the every-other-episode montages of Rachel Bilson being “adorable” and trying on hats or practicing phone calls or whatever.  I mean, WTF!  But it’s incredimazeballs, and I am a massive fan.

Now it’s your turn!  Show me some gifs, make a few booty jokes, share your favorite quotes, discuss your favorite lines–make it happen, Cap’n!