Modern Family. You’re the whole package. I just prefer somebody who has one.

That's a lot of girl tongue.

Finally a new episode! I know, I know. It was only one week, but didn’t it feel like longer? Maybe it’s just me. But what a great episode to come back to. I tend to enjoy 99% of Modern Family episodes, so maybe I’m biased, but I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard at an episode in a while. It really was top-notch. Plus, we got four special guests last night: Chazz Palminteri, Jennifer Tilly, Jennifer Tilly’s breasts, and let’s be real here, my favorite, Leslie “Fuckin’ French Toast” Mann, who fit so seamlessly into the story, that I forgot she was a guest star. All the story lines had their moments, but who are we kidding, this is me we’re talking about so you ALL know my favorite one. But I actually had to debate the MVP of last night. Mitchell had the only line that made me have to pause to laugh for a solid two minutes, but Cam stole the show. Just the “bust down the barn” story alone. Cam, you are the MVP of my heart, and of last night’s episode. Also? Mitchell is GROWING on me. I KNOW! Let’s jump into the ep.

First up, I’m going to cover the Jay/Gloria story, because honestly, it was funny, but it was the story line that did the least for me. So Gloria and Jay are out with their friends Shorty (Palminteri) and Darlene (Tilly). Clearly, they are Gloria’s friends because Jay seems to be sticking out just a bit. Shorty and Darlene want to go out Salsa dancing the next day (I think. In this scene Tilly’s breasts were kind of mesmerizing…), but Jay isn’t too keen on the idea, especially since he’s already purchased a Pay-Per-View fight. He does suggest a compromise though: they can eat salsa while they watch it. I think that’s a good plan. But Gloria wants to go, and she’ll go whether Jay goes with her or not. Good for her. But that doesn’t stop her from trying to make Jay feel guilty about not wanting to go.

And it kind of works because Jay ends up asking Manny for help learning to salsa dance, but he’s just a big white guy with no rhythm (yeah, we forget those stereotypes are on TV too, don’t we?), so he’s more stomping around than dancing. But then Mitchell comes in and offers Jay some special help in the form of a pill that people take when they go to clubs. Mitchell! I am shocked at you impressed with you! So after much debate, because he is not a “drug person,” Jay takes it, lets loose, shows up at the club and surprises Gloria (which is so sweet, you guys. Jay is awesome), and dances his old man heart out. Later Mitchell reveals that it was just an orange flavored baby aspirin. “He could have chewed it.” Well, played Mitchell!

Next, there were two Dunphy storylines. The first of which involves Phil with a car-load of lumber. He’s going to build Luke a tree house like he used to have as a kid. He and Luke start building it, but Phil, as it turns out, is not a very good carpenter (which explains why it took him so long to fix that damn step. Wait. He never did…). Apparently America was built with nails, so too shall the tree house be. But it’s not very sturdy at all. At one point, Phil steps through one of the planks in the floor, and says that he has to fix that and hellz yeah, EXCELLENT callback to the step! Once Phil mentions pulling out the nail gun though, Luke is out, because he’s seen Phil use a glue gun, and he bets glue was easier to get out of his hair than nails will be. Aww. Phil calls after him not to go, that he’s doing this for him, but Luke counters “Are you, dad? Are you?” Well, that really makes Phil think. Though, turns out that Luke just said that because it makes Phil go all quiet and he doesn’t notice when Luke walks away. These two together. I love them so much.

So Phil continues building the tree house, partially for Luke, and probably mostly for himself for nostalgia’s sake. As he’s up in the tree, a neighbor calls up to him that the tree house is pretty awesome and offers to help. Phil voiceovers how it’s hard to make friends as an adult, and as I get closer to 30, I’m really starting to see that in my own life. So it warms the frozen cockles of my heart that Phil made a friend. I’m just imagining the two of them up there, drinking cocoa from thermoses, reading comic books and talking about girls their wives. Awwww. Maybe Mitch and Cam can come, and then they can all go on a journey to find the dead body of Ray Brower!

Meanwhile, Haley is trying to write a college essay, but cursing Claire for sheltering her so she’s never had any obstacles to overcome. So under the guise of a deep, dark family secret, Claire drives Haley out to some desert park thing – is that what it is? I see these a lot in shows that take place in California, but as I live on the East Coast and have never been “out West,” I have never seen anything like this. Regardless. Claire stops the car and makes Haley get out to read something carved on a tree. When Haley is a safe distance from the car, Claire guns it and tells Haley to overcome the obstacle of having to get home by herself. Haley finally makes it, and exclaims that her obstacle is growing up normal with a psychotic mother. Claire says to write about that. And be sure to use spell check! Awesome.

But now for the pièce de résistance, the Mitchell/Cam storyline. While in a bar, Cam is thrilled that the waitress is flirting with him, but Mitch says she’s just cruising for tips. To prove him wrong, and to prove that he can be a womanizer (as opposed to someone who just walked out of a machine called The Womanizer – LOLZ to you, Mitchell!), Cam says that he can get any woman’s phone number. They even bet laundry duties on it.

Enter Leslie Mann as Katie. Cam goes up to her with the ultra-smooth “OMG it’s been so long. You look fantastic” pick up line, which she sees right through, but Cam has no idea. He walks away victorious with her phone number, but the next day feels so bad, he decides to call her and come clean that he’s actually gay. But he can’t quite admit it on the phone, and the whole time, Mitchell is making comments, and I had to pause my DVR at one of them because I was laughing so hard. Also? Mitchell is drinking out of an “I <3 Me” mug. I NEED THIS MUG.

Cam ends up not telling her, and she comes over (what could he do? Tell her NOT to come over??). He lets her down gently, but she already knew he was gay. The only reason she gave him her number was because she wanted a Sassy Gay Friend of her own. Cam confesses that even though he’s a proud gay man, he still wants other people (even women) to find him attractive. Just then, Mitchell comes home (he’d been a Jay’s house), and in a moment that simultaneously warms my heart and splits my side, Katie gives a command performance to help our her new gay bff. She starts yelling that everything is not well, that the great guy she liked and who is HOTT, is gay, and oh, everything is horrible. Mitchell is kind of shocked, and Cam is just eating up the praise, and seeing him beam like that is adorable and wonderful. I want Cam to be my Gay BFF. Before she makes her exit, Katie pulls Cam into quite a kiss.

Katie: Are you sure you’re gay?

Cam: No…


Cam: Yes.

Genius! After she leaves, Cam declares that that was “a lot of girl tongue,” and that he could use a little “drink-a-doodle-do.” And the look he throws at the camera here? Priceless. Perfection. This one is staying on the DVR.

  • “You would have died.” “A hero.”
  •  “Wham bam, thank you, Cam.”
  • “Gabby’s mom’s a hoarder. That essay practically writes itself.”
  • “I’m a bad man.” “Oh no, what did you eat?”
  •  “It’s actually somewhat delicate—” “As am I, on account of the gay.”
  • “Help me un-gay the place.” (Recapper’s note: This whole little scene was hilarious. Cam pausing to “awww” at the picture of him and Mitchell that he’d have to take down. I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS.)
  • “Stop marching. You’re dancing, not invading Poland.”
  • “A gay man who hates dancing lives in a sad and lonely little world.”
  • “You’re the whole package. I just prefer somebody who has one.”

So what did you people think? Did I leave out any of your favorite quotes? What were your favorite moments of the episode? Is it worthy of taking up space on your precious DVR? Leave me some comments, and I’ll leave you some orange-flavored baby aspirin.

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  • Erica

    GET OUT OF MY BRAIN. Your thoughts are my thoughts. All I could think was BOOBS…and that says a lot considering how often Gloria’s are on display. Jay learning to dance was priceless. I literally LOL’d. 
    Haley is so oblivious, I love it. The ADD and SPELL lines made me spit out  my coke. 
    And Cam…I have nothing but love for him. Leslie Mann was too hilarious, but I expected nothing less. 
    So basically, everything you said is gold! 

  • Anonymous

    Haha thank you! Leslie Mann is the best. Katie was pretty much the drunk chick character from The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but that is TOTALLY okay in my book because I quote that scene constantly (hence her nickname). Gold. The whole storyline was Gold. :D

  • ahow628

    She was also Paul Rudd’s wife that thinks he is cheating on her in Knocked Up. She is great.

  • Lemonade

    Great recap!  :)

    I was a little confused with the return of Shorty’s character.  I remember there was an earlier episode with him where Mitchell and later Jay thought Shorty was gay.  I know he denied it (at least at first), but I can’t remember how it ended and whether or not we were supposed to assume he was gay.  So I figured Jennifer Tilly was his beard, and spent all of their scenes expecting some reference to it.  You covered most of my favorite bits already, but another small moment I liked was when that (presumably gay) guy asked Gloria to dance, because he tried Cam’s same strategy of “OMG, how long has it been?”  It was a cute little callback to the other storyline, and suggests gay men all hit on straight women the same way, Haha.

  • ahow628

    So Jay and Shorty (and a couple other guys) were in a barbershop quartet together. They had those douchy jackets with the logo on the back. Anyway, Jay thought Shorty was gay and tried to kiss him, but it turned out that Shorty was just broke.

    Anyway, they did do some references in this episode to him still being in the closet which was pretty funny and a great callback.

  • Lemonade

    Oh ok, I knew there was some other explanation at the end of that other episode, but I forgot about the being broke part.  Thanks for clearing that up for me! :)  

  • Anonymous

    Yes, that’s right! I love her so much. In everything. I mentioned the 40-year-old Virgin character specifically because that’s the one Katie reminded me of the most. 

  • Anonymous

    Does the ending mean we’ll get to see Leslie Mann again?!?!?!  Also, every time I see her, I hear Get Your Freak On in my head.  And every time I eat french toast, I eat fuckin’ FRAAAANCH toast.  That character really impacted my life.

  • Anonymous

    YES! We are FRANCH toast soulmates. You have no idea how many times I’ve said “fuckin’ FRAAAANCH toast” in my life. She has clearly impacted mine as well. I really, really hope we get to see her again. She and Cam have so much potential. 

  • Anonymous

    Oh RIGHT! Okay, I remember that now. My b. :)

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