Previously on Ringer: I made a joke in the title of my recap and some people on the internet thought I was spoiling the episode.  Apologies for that.  I really thought about calling this one, “What the fuck, Ringer?” but then I realized I’d end up calling every recap that.  Oh, also, Logan Echolls showed up to probably bed Juliet, the Busty Zygote (TM Bethany in the comments section), and Bridget, playing Siobhan, tried to frame Bridget for a murder which we all agree totally didn’t happen.  Plus I got a week break from Ringer; thanks, CW!

We begin with a big group of press asking Henry about the missing Gemma.  Apparently this is now a huge story in New York; evidently Occupy Wall Street is getting way too much coverage.  Andrew and Bridget watch the news about this on TV and talk about how it’s terrible that Henry is being railroaded for this crime (WHICH DIDN’T HAPPEN!).  It’s tough out there for rich people, guys.  Anyway, the cops show up and they want to talk to Bridget (whom they believe is Siobhan) about Bridget and her involvement in Gemma’s disappearance.  Before she can be taken down to the precinct, Bridget calls somebody (her hunky sponsor?  Or does that guy only know her as Siobhan?  Two weeks and not caring make me really forgetful) and says she really screwed up.  But twist!, the cops want to talk to Andrew too since Gemma called him last.  Ah, another example of the show telling me things I already know and acting like it’s a surprise.

At the police station, VICTOR MACHADO is running the show.  Do this, don’t do that, and so on, with standard police talk.  Andrew and Henry get interviewed by cops and are shown a picture of Bridget.  But they say it’s Siobhan, of course.  Wait!  No!  They both say it’s Bridget!!  What the…?  And then credits that go so fast they break the sound barrier.

All right, show, now you’ve piqued my interest.  How do these guys know who Bridget is?  Is there some kind of vast conspiracy that we’re just uncovering?  Super cool!  And we flash back to the previous day and see that Bridget told both of them.  Wait, that’s it??  Damn you, Ringer!  All you do is set up interesting ideas and then suck all the fun out of them.  Anyway, Bridget throws Bridget under the bus, which I guess contributes to our theory that Bridget framed herself for Gemma’s murder to fully embrace being Siobhan.

VICTOR MACHADO keeps interrogating Bridget and another twist!, she uses the voicemail she left as Bridget before to play for VICTOR to prove that Bridget did it (not gonna lie, this moment’s actually kinda cool).  MACHADO presses her on her story, and then, because it’s a Ringer episode, she says she’s done talking and walks out on VICTOR.  He loves being told no.  But this time he has more questions.  Oh wait, no he doesn’t.  He just wants to tell Bridget that Malcolm is missing.

Look, I realize that I spend most of these recaps making fun of the show (and I don’t feel bad about that), but let me note that I have lost no respect for SMG as an actress.  The thing she does when she hears about Malcolm, never betraying who she is but still showing concern, it’s pretty impressive.

Meanwhile, in Rock Springs, Wyoming, home of strip clubs, easily purchased drugs, and criminal kingpins, Malcolm is being driven somewhere in the back of a van with a hood over his head. When his dumb kidnappers decide they have to go somewhere together, he struggles to get free and then does, pretty easily, in fact.  He’s out the back of the van and into the free world.  Run, Malcolm, far away from Ringer!

Out on the balcony of Siobhan and Andrew’s apartment, where a bust of Darius the Mede (or someone else from the Persian empire) stands watch, Andrew asks Bridget who Malcolm is.  “Why he’s the man about whom I’m having a flashback,” replies Bridget.  Okay, that’s not true, but she does flash back to her three months sober date, which was nine months ago.  Bridget thanks Malcolm by kissing him, but Malcolm says they can’t.  And then he thinks about it for roughly the same time I would (two milliseconds, give or take) and gives in to kissing her.  Nice work, Malcolm; way to give a middle finger to an ethical dilemma.  Mouth-to-mouth kissing leads to genital-to-genital kissing (that’s not a disturbing description, is it?) and Malcolm admits he crossed a line he shouldn’t have.  It’s good he waited until after the sex to realize that.  They decide that it can’t happen again and that they should just stay in their sponsor-sponsored relationship.  (Oh, also there’s a part that’s back with Andrew in the present, but he’s kind of a bore, so pass.)

In the Wyoming present, Malcolm goes back to his place and grabs some clean clothes.  Nice lavender shirt, Malcolm.  In NYC, it’s the return of hunky sponsor Charlie (who’s probably the person who kidnapped Gemma, right?).  Bridget playing Siobhan pours out her heart about the Gemma disappearance to Charlie, asking for his help as a former cop.  He says he’ll see what he can do.  We next see Malcolm getting off a bus in Wyoming and he figures out that the dumb kidnappers are still following him.  It’s this whole thing where he recognizes boots and … you know, it’s not really worth it.  Anyway, they’ll keep following him because they know he’ll lead them to Bridget.  So maybe they’re not as dumb as I thought.  Still, they don’t seem super smart.

Back in NYC on 23^rd and 7^th (which is a block away from where my first play in New York was performed, so I take that as a subtle shout-out to me), Charlie briefs Bridget on the Gemma case.  Later that night, a raucous party is going on and Busty Zygote is helping her friend Monica through some drunkenness.  And, boom, another cut to Bridget and Andrew getting ready for some opening regarding Gemma.  I think this show is trying to use all these quick cuts to new story lines to try to convince me that the show is more exciting than it is.  Is it working?  Well, I just yawned really loudly while writing the last two sentences.  Anyway, Bridget and Andrew try to reconnect with some honesty, and Andrew confesses that he wasn’t happy when he learned that Siobhan was pregnant, but he’s happy about it now.  Gulp!  And then really sexy music plays, so you know they’re gonna start banging.  And they’re totally about to, but Andrew’s phone starts ringing.  It’s Logan Echolls, he’s calling to say that BZ has been in a car accident,  Double gulp!!

Andrew gets down there and we find out that BZ called Logan immediately after the accident, and that, shocker!, nobody’s injured.  Tension successfully deflated.  Ringer is like the dramatic tension bomb squad.  Andrew yells at BZ and she acts like her dad being pissed off is all his fault.  You know, because she never does anything wrong.  And here’s the punishment: she loses her trust fund.  That’s a way to hit her where it hurts.

At the NYPD, VICTOR MACHADO learns that Malcolm is in NYC.  He just used his ATM card in Manhattan, and VICTOR finally looks happy (probably because an ATM camera can’t tell him it’s done answering questions and then walk away).  That night, the largest crowd for an architecture celebration ever comes out to honor Gemma, who I’ll remind you is not dead, only missing.  Henry is moping around and when Bridget tells him that she’s got somebody looking into the disappearance.  It’s at this point that I remember that for someone with a missing wife, Henry really hasn’t bothered to do anything to look for her.  Nice work, dude.  Bridget, tired of doing all the heavy lifting around here, goes out to get some air and sees Malcolm, and then she passes out.  Community college professors often have that effect on people.

Bridget wakes up and the EMTs are taking her to the hospital.  Malcolm is hanging out nearby, but he can’t get in to see her because Andrew’s there.  The doctors want to give Bridget an ultrasound because she’s had a concussion, but she’s scared of doing it.  And I’m predicting that Bridget will be pregnant too, with Malcolm’s baby.  Let’s see.  Hold on, quick cut to Charlie with Gemma’s car.  He calls Siobhan and all of us pat ourselves on the back, knowing we were right.  We see the night Charlie abducted Gemma, but we’re still not given any information on whether or not Gemma is dead.

But, um, she’s totally not.

A few last things:

• Why can’t the police on TV ever interview people at their homes?  I would think they’d want to be out of the station, just as a change of pace.
• Eriq LaSalle directed this episode.  It’s good to see he’s not just standing in hospital hallways and doing pseudo-karate moves anymore.
• Again, not nearly enough Siobhan in this one.  Less Busty Zygote, more mean Siobhan!
• So, Charlie had to follow Bridget, decide that when she went to the support group meeting this was his chance, go into the support group meeting, not have anybody mention that it was his first time there, go up to Bridget, talk her into trusting him, get her to ask him to be her sponsor, have her keep calling him and trust him even deeper, and make sure she told him where Gemma’s car is?  That’s a brilliant plan, Siobhan.  Brilliant in its simplicity.

Okay, Busty Zygotes and Zygettes, I’m sure we’ve all missed each other in our week off.  Let’s put on our lavender shirts and talk about tonight’s Ringer.  It’s what Gemma would have wanted (if she were really dead).