Number one drag queen bitches!
Y’all I need to confess something. I LOVE Halloween and it’s not like a ‘Oh I love Halloween for all the awesome candy’ kind of love. Fuck the candy. No, I love Halloween like most people love Christmas or Flag Day. I could try to explain to you all why it ranks as my favorite holiday. However, that’d be like asking me to explain what makes puppies cuddly or why Clarissa Darling had the coolest scrunchies and tights or how Zach and Kelly were soulmates even through that terrible Tori phase. No one really knows why but everyone just knows it’s the fucking truth.
Man I feel better about getting that off my chest. Now we can let go of all those preconceived notions that this recap will be objective and unbiased because in reality it’s going to be a total gush fest as I have a new favorite Happy Endings episode. And I know I say that every week but when a Halloween episode is in play you KNOW that statement is absolute FACT and unwavering. If you haven’t picked up by now that the Happy Endings writers treated us (pun alert!) to a Halloween themed episode this week then you’re reading comprehension is worse than Elena Gilbert’s. While I might be suspicious about some of y’all’s reading skills, I’m NEVER suspicious of the Happy Endings writers and cast’s ability to make me laugh every week and this week I don’t think I ever stopped. Plus to top it all off, us fans were able to watch it online early starting Monday. It’s just like they KNEW the way to the center of my heart. I could go on and on but we’ve got a spooktacular episode to break down so let’s trick or treat bitches!
Even though the location has been moved to Penny’s Ho Pad the HE crew is hosting their own weekly AA meeting, where the alcohol is plentiful and no one is anonymously trying to hide the fact that they have a problem. Max has moved right through denial to acceptance and by that I mean accepting large amounts of alcohol into his mouth. Dave being the concerned sponsor he is questions Max about if his drinking has gotten out of hand. Don’t worry, he’s just prepping for Halloween and the Monster Mash party they’re going to. It’s all practice guys because as our resident scammer says, “Halloween is the Super Bowl of drinking.” I think St. Patrick’s Day might give it a run for it’s money but we’ll go with it.
Meanwhile as Max is testing the limits of his liver, Jane is crushing Brad’s dreams of sexy gir–gorilla costumes by reminding him that they agreed to house sit in the suburbs. Oh the horror! Brad isn’t the only one disappointed about the P-A-R-T-Y as Penny emerges from what I’m hoping was the bedroom and announces the she has scared away yet another boyfriend after suggesting a couples costume after like three dates and now has no costume to wear to the shindig nor a Pogo stick to bounce on afterwards. No one is shocked as this poor girl has seemingly modeled her “game” after Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Seriously gurl, slow that milkshake down. Max jumps at the chance to be the peanut butter to her jelly after his Lady Gaga meat dress reached it’s expiration date. Really Max, in instances like that a good refrigerator system is key. Penny hesitantly agrees, spurring Alex, who’s dying on the couch from some monkey virus, to call out Dave for all his stupid couple costumes ideas. Double Penn? Who thinks of something that lame Dave? Anyway they both agree that they’re going to wear their dream single’s costume this year. Oh boy what could those be?
It turns out that Dave has been DYING to dress as Austin Powers. Really?! Who still wishes they could dress as Austin Powers post-1998? I will say Zach Kingston’s impersonation was pretty dead on but I was still hoping it was going to be Mark Summers from Double Dare and What Would You Do fame. Now THAT would have been a costume. Alex, on the other hand, went traditional with Marilyn Monroe complete with smoker’s voice. God she’s such a bore! However, it did score her a dude for the night. So what if that little leaguer thought she was a dude. It was really just semantics at that point. You should’ve just strapped one on and gotten some while you could, Al. It really is the Halloween way (obviously since it’s all about how slutty you can get according to the costume manufacturers). As Alex was having a gender identification crisis, Penny and Max were busy stealing the show with their get up. Max as a baby being “carried” in a bjorn by Penny might go down as one of the top five greatest things ever on TV. This list also includes America’s Funniest Peoples’ jackalope, Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch (TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF FIRST, BITCH!), MTV’s Kurt Loder, and Uncle Jesse’s mullet. While it would have looked ridiculous on any other two people, Max and Penny worked it as RuPaul would say. Oh RuPaul, I wish you still had your talk show on VH1. Hard hitting and probing interviews (pun intended) right there y’all.
Anywho, Max and Penny’s costume was a total dick magnet. Though if I really think about it, it was kind of a creepy dick magnet. ZZTop Gun had a weird obsession with turkey legs and ate his meal in a public restroom. Gross on both accounts! Max you can do better. Then there was President Lincoln who, I felt, had some insecurity issues after Max criticized his belly button’s smell. If only he had rub-a-dub-dubbed that sinkhole better Max wouldn’t have felt the need to Dear Abby that shit out loud. Still, despite these obvious warning signs, Penny and Max strike a terrible deal to spilt their time between the two inevitable psych patients and the plan worked…until it didn’t. After a heart to heart at one of the men’s urinals, Max agreed to let Penny go have her chance in convincing Abe to go to war with her southern territory. Don’t worry, Max walked away the real winner of the night, literally, after donning Penny’s one piece bathing suit and winning the drag queen contest. Max wins for life.
As the party shenanigans were under way Brad and Bacon Jane were stuck in suburban hell house sitting Breezy Acres for another couple. First of all, who agrees to house sit on the most annoying night to live in the suburbs? Secondly, you cannot name your house Breezy Acres when it sits on ½ acre. I guess Breezy Plot doesn’t have the same ring to it. Thirdly, didn’t B & J realize all horror films are set in the suburbs or boonies? They should have known agreeing to this deal was going to end badly. Despite the classic Americana of it all, Brad was having NONE of it until Jane pulled out the big guns and debuted the sweet hot tub. Once those hot magical waters appeared Brad was ready to say goodbye to the urban life and became a lifetime member of L.L. Bean. Once again Jane had to rain on his parade telling him that they couldn’t get their hot tub naughtiness on until all the candy was handed out. Brad being the genius (and I say that lightly) he is, decides to just stick the bowl of candy outside and put the kids on the honor code. Not even thirty seconds later are they being warned that they better get more candy before things get ugly.
Now every suburban vet knows that running out of candy on Halloween is the greatest mistake you could make. You gotta stockpile those pieces of diabetes or face the wrath of kids on sugar highs. They’re like cracked out fiends looking for their next fix. If only Brad and Jane had brushed up on this knowledge before their little anthropological experiment. Oh well, their frantic response to rectify to the situation provided some high class entertainment so I can’t hate on them too much. Plus they’re my favorites. After securing a door, albiet much smaller, for the one that was stolen, Jane and Brad headed back to the city to finish and join their friends at the party. Apparently the suburbs were just too crazy and wild for amateurs like them.
Other stray observations:
- Instead of eggs, Brad really should have gone as Ron Swanson. No one loves bacon as much as that man, not even eggs.
- Adam Pally’s use of the fake baby arms was cracking me up.
- Where did Max stick his boxers after taking them off? Shouldn’t he have been able to slip back into them? Unless he slipped them into ZZTop Gun’s pocket in which case yeah I wouldn’t want to go back for them either.
- Jane’s blog needs to be a real thing so I can obsessively read it daily. She’s my personal Martha Stewart guys.
- I hope Max lists ‘professional buffet plate builder’ on his resume because that skill is valuable to everyone.
- Jane and Brad are having way to many pedophile moments this season and I kind of love it. Does that make me sick or just a fan of good entertainment?
- Max was really working that one piece. I wonder if Adam Pally worked out beforehand…
- Jane must really have a thing for riverboats. I bet she had a poster of the Lauren Belle (the riverboat in Maverick for those who don’t know) on her wall as teen.
- The Brett Butler references made me miss Grace Under Fire.
Welp, that’s it this week kiddos. What did y’all think of Spook Endings? Do you think Brad should’ve been Ron Swanson? Smarties are totally gross, right? Would you enter a drag queen costume contest? What’s your favorite candy? Do you think Halloween is the Super Bowl of drinking? Am I talking to myself? Let me know that I’m not crazy and leave me support down below!
Top Brax moment:
Top Quotes of the Night (once again there were A LOT):
- “Halloween is the Super Bowl of drinking.” “Isn’t the Super Bowl the Super Bowl of drinking?” “No. The Super Bowl is the Halloween of drinking.”
- “It’s basically a costume that is slightly singed like when you edge a document.”
- “You might as well have asked him to marry you, you stupid idiot.”
- “Classic Penny overreach.”
- “Halloween is the Arbor Day of urinating.” “Wait that makes Arbor Day the Wimbledon of having sex.” “Yes! You get me bro!”
- “I don’t want those things except the quiche stone. That thing will pay for itself in like three quiches.”
- “We’re gonna get so hot we’re gonna make our own bubbles.” “What?”
- “Oh, ok. Your plan is to use the promise of candy to lure children to a grown man in a hot tub?”
- “Clean it up, Polanski.”
- “Sorry doc, I guess you have to go St. Elsewhere.”
- “You better watch yourself, beardo.”
- “I can’t wait to see your penis.”
- “It was a little weird buying candy out of a grown man’s trunk.”
- “No one else is close enough to high five you.” (Max, I LOURVE you!)
- “Being straight sounds like so much work.”
- “No, city kids grow up way too fast. They drink, they smoke, they get addicted to riverboat pai gow and eventually have to steal their dad’s carpet cleaning van, sell it, and blame the whole thing on Alex.”
- “God this is heavy.” “A lil’ bit.” “I’m proud of you, man.” “Thanks!” “PSYCH!”
- “Looks like bacon got its eggs.”
- “Oh come on! Who bacon’s somebody?!”
- “God gave you melons, make melonade.”
- “Whatever I have is not from the bird I kissed.”
- “Do you think now would be a bad time to ask you to shake, or jump up and down, or shiver?”