So I can’t figure out this episode. Was this supposed to be the pilot and they decided it wouldn’t grab people enough or is it one of those ‘let’s explain the backstory’ episodes. Honestly, I don’t mind either way. I love prequel episodes and have a huge soft spot for those alternate universe episodes where the main character was never born or the entire plot takes place in another time period. One Tree Hill was probably the best ever at these.

Anyway, I hate to tell you guys, but things are about to get real. This has been, by far, the most traumatic episode of Up All Night thus far for me. I lived through every part of this episode: Find out natural birth was going to be a c-section and an epidural, freaking out about what to bring with the the hospital (my buddy brought a florescent pink elephant as his wife’s “focal point”, WTF?), not being prepared for anything that was happening.

So we are flashing back to before Amy was born. Equipped with a 30-page birth plan, Reagan heads off with Chris to the hospital to give birth. Nothing goes right. Their 4-push plan turns into a c-section, the birth mix turns into House of Pain’s Jump Around, and the hot doctor is going to watch Reagan poop instead of looking cute in her headband. But through a rousing rendition of Lightning Crashes and the generosity of Ava who brings a new headband, they make it through. Unfortunately at the end, they are left at the curb holding a baby with no clue what to do with it. Seriously, no fucking instruction sheet or handbook? Geez. It is seriously nerve wracking and exactly like that in real life.

Despite Ava’s support at the end, she is a total wreck about going to the hospital with Reagan. I mean, total and complete denial about Reagan even having a baby. Apparently it is just easier for her to just pretend Reagan got fat. Hell, the normally work-averse Ava is even willing to bake a cake or vacuum to avoid the hospital. That is saying something right there. The assistant Missy, who apparently used to be ultra-mousy, offers to let Ava chop off her 7th grade, butt-length hair if Ava will go to the hospital. The result is outstanding.

Sir, you can't park here. Ambulance only, mister. Thanks, bro.

This show is seriously stepping up with the big dogs. I’m thinking this might have the best one-liners on television, barring Modern Family. Of course, Modern Family is coming from a double digit cast while Up All Night is pulling it off with a main cast of 3. Maybe 5 if you count Nick Cannon and Missy. Or maybe even 7 if you count Jean and Terry. You know what? Fuck Jean and Terry, let’s get to some quotes.

“Oh god. It is all so natural.”

“A little tiny part of me thought this might be kind of sexy.

“It is like hair coming out of hair!”

“h-t-t-p… colon… backslash… backslash…”

“I’m having a baby in two weeks. You must accept this now and stop pretending I just got fat.” “Oh, tubby tubby tubby.”

“I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that this is all happening so soon.” “We’ve known for 9 months.”

“I’m going to be dad. I’m assuming it’s mine. What am I talking about? Of course it’s mine. Oh my god, I just put the stapler in my thing. Stupid Chris, why would I need a stapler. I’ll just go ahead and bring the stapler.”

“Back up people! This baby is about to blow any second. There is going to be cervix EVERYWHERE!”

“Mucus! Blood! Placenta!”

“This is our last moment without a child. We should do something really irresponsible.” “I kind of feel like drugs and sex are out of the question.”

“I haven’t cut my hair since the 7th grade.” “So this hair was on your head when Tupac was alive?”

“This one came out like it was on a slide. Had to oil up my catchers’ mitt. PFFFT!! Stee-rike!”

“Listen to me B-word: Get your A-word in the car. You are going to help your friend! F-word!”

“Doctor, you are really good looking.” “Your teeth are like off the charts.”

“We saw a video where things got real. We’re still recovering.” “I mean, things are going to get real real. I think you know what I’m talking about.” “She’s talking about poop.”

“Sir, you can’t park here. Ambulance only, mister. Thanks, bro.”

“Whoa whoa whoa. Aren’t you going to check the car seat? I installed it myself and I’m a total loose cannon.”

Now for the comments. Are we going to see some more episodes from the past? Maybe they have a few more pre-baby episodes in the can? Let me know your favorite lines below. Plus anything else you want to tell me.