The start of this episode was possibly the grossest thing ever. I had a roommate in college who didn’t like any noise when he was in the dorm room. He also liked to eat while he was around and had an unnaturally loud chewing and swallowing sound that he would emit. I had to leave the room every time he would walk in to eat at his computer. So gross. And now I feel like I’m having flashbacks to ‘Nam.

The disgusting silence is shortly interrupted by the tweeting birds of the city: police sirens. What kind of heinous crime could have befallen Chatswin? Doll theft, of course. Sheila from across the street has had her Shirley Temple dolls stolen and the crime spree has sent the entire city on lock down. As a result, dentists are making mouthguards for stressed out teeth-grinders, school announcements are being made, and George is being talked into becoming a panic room architect.

To ease their own concerns, Dallas and Dalia move in with George and Tessa. Obviously Dalia drives Tessa crazy, but Dallas actually starts driving George pretty crazy as well. To drive Tessa even more crazy, George and Dallas work things out and plan some future festival festivities together. Chowder and apple festivals.

Not winking, just blinking. Barely.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Dalia and Tessa scheme to separate themselves and, more importantly, get Tessa back to NYC. George sees right through the plan and “plays her like a game of Word with Friends.” After Tessa confesses her fake crime to Sheila, Lisa comes forward as the real thief, squashing Tessa’s dreams of the city life.

First, the biggest thing I’m loving about this show is Sheila’s love for everyone but her daughter. Last episode she was waxing poetically about how as PTA president, she loves all the children as her own. While she does so, Lisa says she is heading to class to which Sheila snaps, “Alright! Then go to class already!” Then today when Tessa confesses, Shelia turns the martyr and says that since Tessa did something so awful to her, she must have done something far more awful to Tessa and she would never forgive herself. At Lisa’s confession, Sheila snaps out and says, “Why? After all I’ve done for you…” I totally know people like that: They hate their own kids, but LOVE every other kid in the world.

Next, the thing I’m hating pretty bad is Noah, played by Alan Tudyk. In my recap of the pilot, I was pretty much convinced he was going to be my favorite character. The crazy best friend and wacky neighbor with a total lack of filter? What’s not to love? Well, they have totally sucked all the life out of that character and turn him into a caricature along the lines of Dalia or any of the other douchebag suburbanites on the show. Not a fan and I hope they fix this soon.

Well, after that bit of sourness, how about some killer quotes for this episode?

“People are grinding their teeth and thrusting their tongues. Based on the phone calls, I am going to be molding mouthguards for months.”

“JayZ’s panic shelter has a cognac bar and a disco.”

“This crime spree started when certain people moved here from New York, New York…. New York.”

“This place is full of bitches, backstabbers, and botox. *knock knock* Dalia? Did I somehow just summon you?”

“Dalia spit up the tiniest bit. From her claustrophobia.”

“Your room is so small. It is even smaller than the rest of the house.”

“You don’t touch a man’s undies.”

“Unreal. She even sleeps like a bitch.”

“I don’t want to spend time with you and you don’t want to spend time with me.” “And I don’t want to spend time with you either.”

“I understand how comforting denial can be. I often endorse it for our obese students.”

“Tiny overalls, hand-stitched. It breaks my heart. Maybe there is someone out there that can use them. Another collector, someone with a pet monkey, maybe a small farmer.”

“My only thought was – if my room smelled that bad after Dalia ate pizza, what was the car ride home from the chowder festival going to be like?”

Alright, how about some commentage? What are you loving and hating about the show so far? Any directions you see this all heading? Let me know, down below. Poet? Know it.