It’s here. We’ve covered Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday shows, and now the epic battle is finally upon us. Thursday has so many shows that we love, and so many characters that make us happy in the pants, so it’s time to make the difficult choices. As usual, my picks are in purple and SB’s are in blue. Now let’s do this:
I thought I’d have trouble with this show because I love so many people on it, but actually, I think it’s kind of easy for me, as long as I divide it by gender. As for the girls, I’d fuck Annie (she’s hot, but she’s so goddamn needy), marry Britta (hot and also annoying but if I’m being honest, she’s annoying in the same way that I can be annoying so it would probably work out) and kill Shirley (sorry Shirley, but your voice makes me die inside just a little). With the boys, I’d fuck Jeff, because he’s so pretty, super tall and he looks so hot in a leather jacket. But you know nothing’s going to last with him, so it’s just a one night thing. I’d marry Troy – is anyone NOT marrying Troy? He’s hot, hilarious, and he we could sing La Bibliotheca together every night before bed in our BLANKET FORT. And obviously I’m killing Pierce because he is awful.
Even though it seems like I should divide this show by gender, I can’t. I really feel like any girl that I decided to marry would only end in killing anyway. I could MAYBE pick fuck (Britta), but ultimately, we all know I’m going to go for Jeff, partly for the attitude but mostly for the height. And like Nicole, I would marry Troy (he’s the only person in that group who isn’t horrible, irritating, or otherwise challenged), and kill Pierce. Pierce is the WORST (and so is Chevy Chase, even though we aren’t NECESSARILY supposed to be making this about real people, but also, we make the rules, SO …).
Okay, so first and foremost, I’m marrying Jim Halpert, no questions asked. I’ve pretty much wanted to marry Jim Halpert since season 1 so this is kind of a no-brainer. I’m having a hard time with who I’d pick to fuck though because other than Jim…there isn’t really anyone…OH. I just thought of the perfect person, and I’m picking a guest star because our rules are loose so it’s allowed. Danny Fucking Cordray, otherwise known as Tim Olyphant. RIGHT?!? There is no other option when Tim Olyphant is in the room. And if he could wear Raylan Givens’ white Stetson, all the better. You know who I’d kill? I feel kind of badly about this, but Meredith. I’ve just never found the character funny and in fact her drunken slut thing is so one-note that I kind of cringe now when she gets involved.
Agreed that Jim is the perfect husband. No question. As for kill, I’d probably go for Stanley because I feel like he contributes the least to the overall dynamic. The fuck one is really hard though because the nature of the show is that people are drawn out to be a little pathetic and sad. So here’s my thought process–Phyllis is clearly a freak, but I don’t think I could go through with it. Kelly for sure has a crazy side, which could add something to the sex, but she might actually be TOO crazy. Darryl is, obviously, awesome, but I think the dry demeanor would be too unnerving for the fuck pick. I do agree with Nicole on Danny Cordray/Timothy Olyphant being extraordinarily fuckable, but in the interest of switching it up, I’m gonna go with Mose. He doesn’t talk, and you know that living on a farm has taught him a thing or two about a thing or two about DOIN’ IT. Also, he doesn’t talk and he has a beard. I’m good with all that. (Plus, as long as we’re confusing fiction and reality, I think Mike Schur is the funniest ever.)
Parks and Recreation
This show was actually really hard to pick for who I’d fuck. My immediate thought was Andy – who doesn’t love him? But then, he’s like a child/golden retriever so it might seem weird. If I’m being honest, I have a secret crush on Jean Ralphio. I LOVE him. So I’m thinking I might pick him, and then suddenly he’s out too because I remember the original baller of the Pawnee Parks Department – Mark Brandanewicz. Yes. Mark for sure – he was SO hot. And he’s a slut, so I don’t want to marry him or anything. I’m marrying Ben OBVIOUSLY because he’s perfect. It’s really hard to pick who I’d kill though – I love everyone in the main cast. I don’t even want to kill Jerry, because he’s essential to the homeostasis of the office. You know what? I’m killing Chris. Chris is funny, but I would miss him least I think. I LITerally feel awful even saying that, but it’s true.
When Nicole and I were kicking around this whole FMK idea, this might have been the first show we talked about and I KNOW we agreed on Brandanowicz. You guys. I need him to come back. He is absolutely and totally, completely, 100% my fuck pick. EASY. There is something about that man that is so goddamn sexy that I can’t even handle it. But I would HANDLE IT, if you know what I mean. [Loud Whisper: I MEAN HJs!]
Marry? Again, I’m with Nicole on Ben. He’s perfect. I will disagree on Nicole’s kill pick, though. I could go for killing Chris (I’m definitely not opposed and I’m about ready for the show to lose him, in fact), but the one I’ve never been big on is Ann. My impression is that Rashida Jones is really sweet and up for doing anything and that people really like working with her. But somehow, this never seems to translate into an interesting character. Her characters are never unlikable, but they are usually boring. As i like to say all the time, rage makes me feel alive, so in a lot of ways, that’s actually worse to me than say, a Mr. Shue type character that I fucking HATE. So Ann.
The Secret Circle
Easy peasy, this one: Marry Adam (those eyes! that voice!), kill Nick the Dick (the worst) and fuck the living shit out of Charles. Evil hot is the best kind of hot and he has both in spades. If I’m picking amongst the girls, it’s also easy: Marry Cassie (I can’t BELIEVE I’m even saying that but I am completely over seeing her as Lux now, so it’s cool), fuck Faye (a little cray-cray can be fun) and kill Melissa because girl is dumb as shit and needs to be put out of her misery.
Well, again, I am totally with Nicole on the boy front, from the reasons cited for loving Adam to the things I’d do to Charles. And the total lack of sausage on this show really only leaves Nick for the killing (seriously, show–I’m gonna need you to work on that).
My girl picks vary slightly–I’d marry Diana. Even though she seems to have a deep undercurrent of crazy (and hello, the apple? The tree?), she’s so pretty and sweet and she has her shit together. You know, FMK has taught me some valuable things about marriage, namely that 1. I am always on the lookout for someone who can take care of both me and all the little details that keep life running (this is why life with Billy works for me) and 2. We are all shameless gold diggers. I love that about us, by the way!
Obviously I’d fuck Faye, and if Charles weren’t in the picture, I probably wouldn’t have had to divide this into boys and girls. And as for kill? I’m over LUX enough to let Cassie live, so I’ll have to go with Melissa. Like Stanley, she just adds the least. Plus, I hate seeing pretty, smart girls with everything going for them throw themselves at assholes.
Also, goddamn, the Secret Circle FMK really highlights how much we need more characters.
The Vampire Diaries
You guys, this one is so hard (TWSS). I mean, the marriage question is easy for me – Jeremy is where it’s at, and always has been in my book. He’s so beautiful, and so sweet, and just…yeah. I don’t even have to think about it. Recent episodes have made it easy to pick who I’d kill – no question, Caroline’s asshole dad. He’s such a complete twat, and he traumatized our precious Caroline physically AND emotionally so he gots to go. But who to fuck? The options are endless, and normally my obvious answer would be Damon, but honestly? He’s near the bottom of my list right now. It’s a combination of the terrible hair, the overuse of crazy eyes, and his portrayer’s BORING and ANNOYING twitter feed that I recently unsubscribed from – he’s just not doing it for me much anymore. I’m having a difficult time deciding between Alaric, Tyler and Klaus, to be honest, and since this is a one night thing, and evil hot is the best hot, I think I’m going with Klaus. Yep, I’m happy with that pick.
This one I am splitting into boys and girls because there are just so many characters (you hear me, Secret Circle?). Obviously, I’m going to marry Caroline. I want to spend forever and ever with her. She is the best, and as an added bonus, I will become instantly more awesome and likable just by hanging out with her.
Even though she’s dead, my fuck pick is OBVIOUSLY Lexi. She was awesome, and I actually had a bit of an internal debate on whether switch the fuck and marry of her and Caroline. Ultimately, though, Caroline has my heart and besides that, Lexi has been around and could probably give me the Mrs. Robinson treatment, ohhhh yeah. (God, I am getting more and more pervy as this week goes on.)
And my kill pick for the girls is Bonnie. I just think we could do better on witches (Gloria, WHAT!), she hasn’t been spending that much time with Elena, and currently, her main contribution to the show is Mi-Fi product placement. I like her more when she’s happy, but in the last couple seasons, the show has been a little heavy on Bonnie Bitchface.
As for boys, I’m amazed at how different my picks are now than they would’ve been a year ago. My fuck pick? Is Tyler. Just … no question. I went from hating him in S1 to thinking he’s just the fucking foxiest thing ever AND really sweet. Plus, I think that Michael Trevino deserves a lot of credit for Tyler–he is really, REALLY talented, you guys.
My marry pick may be even more shocking, at least to me. Rather than Matt (sigh … I miss you, Matt, but you dumped Caroline so it’s like you dumped me too), I would actually marry … Stefan. I KNOW, RIGHT? I wasn’t into him at all in S1, but he’s become so interesting, such a sympathetic character, and I feel actually really emotionally invested in him. And again, I think there’s a lot of credit due to Paul Wesley here–every time he cries, he KILLS me!
Man, this is awesome–I feel like this was a real title bout for the week (and I can’t wait for Supernatural tomorrow), and now it’s coming to an end with the final TVD kill. Uuugggghhhhh I can’t believe I’m doing this, I really can’t believe it, but … kill Matt. WHAAAAT! I feel a disturbance in The Force! But you guys, listen. We can’t kill Tyler, because he’s perfect with Caroline. We need the Damon and Stefan love triangle. Klaus and Elijah are too badass to go, and Jeremy has a legitimately interesting story (with Vicki and Anna, not Bonnie). And Alaric is always at least somewhat involved in stories, and he provides great comic relief now and then. So that really only leaves Matt. He doesn’t want to be involved with the supernatural, he doesn’t want to date Caroline, his bromance with Jeremy seems to have fizzled out now that Cockblock Bonnie is on the scene … I mean, what else are we going to do with him? I would be VERY unsurprised to see him as a casualty this season, so maybe this is just me mentally preparing. But I’ll shut up now.
Okay, we know you guys have lots to say, so hit the comments! But don’t forget to come back for our final round tomorrow – there aren’t a LOT of shows, but there are some really great ones, including Fringe, Chuck and, of course, Supernatural.