Previously on Ringer: I cursed the show for being boring for 59 minutes and then becoming interesting in the last minute, thus forcing me to keep recapping it this week. Oh, and the Siobhan storyline was much more exciting than the Bridget one, and not just because SMG-Siobhan wore an awesome, low-cut dress.
This week, we’re on the way back to Manhattan from the Hamptons and Germma’s disappeared. Yeah!! Oh, wait, we’re flashing back to the Gemma-Bridget fight. Boo!! So what are we going to do with all that tension from last week? Nothing. Gemma didn’t believe her and walked out. Great job, show. Anyway, Bridget and Andrew come back to big face apartment, but the big face has been defaced by the word “WHORE.” That seems wrong. Siobhan is rich, so “SLUT” would be much more correct. And I assume there were credits next, but I blinked and missed them.
We’re back at big defaced apartment and the most terrible song ever is playing. Juliet has had a big party and we’re seeing the remnants of it. Hey, teenagers who read this recap, here’s a tip: when your parents are out of town, don’t get a keg for your party; it’s much harder to transport and hide if they come back early. Anyway, Andrew thinks they should all go back to therapy, and if that means I have to hear Andrew and Juliet talk about their feelings, I’ll go with Juliet and say no.
At Gemma’s place, she’s watching home movies of the two couples at a New Year’s Eve party. Henry returns home and tries to figure out if Siobhan confessed the affair to Gemma, but Gemma plays amateur sleuthing with the video and realizes that Siobhan has some sort of weird scar or something under her wrist that Bridget doesn’t have. So this many episodes in and the only person who’s figured any shit out isn’t the FBI agent, it’s the … what does Gemma do again? Isn’t she a real estate agent or something? An interior designer? Whatever, she’s not a detective.
Meanwhile at Whoreface Manor, Andrew and Bridget have a conversation about Juliet. I kind of zone out at this point, because I start thinking about how these two have no chemistry, and then I think about chemistry, and then I think about the Breaking Bad finale. Which was amazing! Okay, back to the recap, Gemma finds Bridget on the street and she tells her that she knows that Bridget is Bridget. The TV FBI needs to recruit this girl quickly.
Back at Club Caged in Wyoming, we get this amazingly bold bit of exposition, “Dosed you with a lot of junk the last couple of days, but you still won’t talk.” Thanks for the help, guys, now I don’t have to put what’s happened to Malcolm in my own words. Then Malcolm gets dosed again, the henchman saying, “Congrats, you’re an addict again.” Aww, that’s sweet. They should make an e-card for that.
Juliet returns home and sees that her drawers have been gone through and she flips her shit, so she starts ripping up Siobhan’s dress. What’s good is that she’s on the phone so she can narrate everything she’s doing and say why she’s doing it. This show loves subtlety. But when she’s messing up Shiv’s stuff, she sees a gun an a yellow piece of paper. I totally know that was something that was important before and I should recognize it, but this show tells me everything two or three times, so I’ll assume I’ll find out again later.
Gemma and Bridget have a coffee and Gemma is not happy. Siobhan has betrayed her and then was rude enough to commit suicide. It all ends up with Gemma telling Bridget that she makes everything about herself. This is Gemma, who has spent the majority of all of the Ringer episodes talking about her husband cheating on her, without realizing that HER BEST FRIEND IS BEING IMPERSONATED BY SOMEONE ELSE. Well done, red.
At an N.A. meeting, Bridget gets good advice from a square-jawed dude, the most handsome member of the group. I bet there’s no way he becomes a character on this show. Anyway, CrackBob SquareJaw offers to be Bridget’s sponsor, but she gives him the cold shoulder. And who witnesses all this? Juliet, who’s holding the yellow pamphlet. See, I just had to be patient.
In other drug related news, Malcolm comes out to the club in a drug haze, and he’s evidently taking a drug that makes him
At Whoreface Estates, Juliet, Andrew, and Bridget have a very tense dinner. Juliet apologizes for messing Siobhan’s stuff up and then questions Bridget about where she was that day. She thinks she saw Bridget on the GASP subway. And then there’s like the eight hundredth conversation about rich people not taking the subway in New York City. Ugh. I live here and I’ll say it again: all kinds of people take the subway. This is the worst. Anyway, Bridget lies that she was doing research on addiction. If only there were TV shows devoted to addiction and interventions. That would probably be a lot easier. Gemma comes to the apartment and tells Andrew … that she can’t work on the apartment anymore. This show is great at quickly defusing tension.
Gemma takes Bridget aside and says that she wants to divorce Henry, but she has to prove that he’s cheating to do it. She wants Bridget to sleep with Henry so Gemma can catch him in the act, or else Gemma will tell everybody about Bridget’s secret. Let me note that at any time, Bridget could just take all the money she got in the first episode and leave town forever. Or would that be too logical?
Bridget tries to clean up the whoreface picture, but she doesn’t get through. So she takes a couple pills, tries to call Malcolm, and then drops the pills down the sink. Such a waste of good drugs. The next day she meets with the most handsome addict ever and tries to talk about her problem without actually talking about her problem. This guy tries to give her advice, but he is the smuggest, most platitude-filled dude ever.
Henry and Gemma have a heart to heart about his terrible novel and how his publishers are dropping him. They spend thirty seconds getting along and then they go back to fighting. So it’s pretty much like every scene they have.
At the loft, which hilariously has everybody wearing hardhats except for the two well-dressed ladies in the middle of it, Bridget says she won’t be sleeping with Henry, but Gemma threatens to expose her with Bridget’s stripper-druggie-whore past (Gemma’s words, not mine). Gemma is playing hardball here and … hey, where the hell has Siobhan been this episode? I praise her storyline last week and now I don’t get any of it? Come on, show.
Andrew and Juliet have another fight and the only thing that matters is Juliet is punished by having to go to public school. If this is how rich people really act, then I think far more people should be down occupying Wall Street. (By the way, I’d think this no matter what.) Meanwhile, Henry and Bridget meet up at a bar where Henry quotes Casablanca. It’s not a good idea to remind people of better entertainment during your show, Ringer. Bridget tells Henry that Gemma knows about them and instructs him to go home to his wife and make things right. He won’t do it, so Bridget is gone. Again, tension successfully defused. Before you were ending acts on fake-revelations, now you’re not even trying.
Back at Casa de Whoreface, Andrew tells Bridget that Juliet knows that Siobhan cheated with Andrew while … oh, who cares? Juliet’s mad about something. Big shock. During all this, Andrew is dressed like a cat burglar, what with his black pants and black turtleneck. And then something happens with Malcolm and the staring bandit Matawi shows up and Gemma is mad that Henry didn’t cheat with Bridget. God, this show is so boring.
All right, quick recap of the last ten minutes: Andrew and Bridget talk to Juliet as a club, Gemma asks Andrew to come over, Juliet and Bridget clean off the “WHORE,” and Henry looks and acts like he killed Gemma, but I’m sure it’ll all be defused next week. Since that’s what this show does best. My apologies for any typos in this recap; I couldn’t find the energy to go back and proofread it. I think this episode has broken me.
A few last gasps:
- Gemma’s voicemail message is: “This is Gemma. Don’t be boring.” Physician, heal thyself.
- Boy a lot of the addicts in the N.A. meeting have really great teeth. That seems strange.
- Wait, Gemma has children? How come I’ve never seen them?
- No Siobhan and no VICTOR MACHADO? They really don’t want me to watch this show anymore, do they?
All right, Ringer, I don’t know if I’m gonna be back next week, because this one was painful. Let’s see if there’s enough clamor below to make recapping more episodes worthwhile. Comment and let me know.