We started off with lots of good options on Monday, and then Tuesday we had to deal with that albatross around (most of) our necks that is Glee. But today we enter the big time you guys. Starting today, and every other day this week, there are killer shows with even more killer options for the game (but be warned: that just makes things more difficult), so I’m going to stop beating around the bush now (that’s what she said?) and just get on with it. As always, my picks are in purple and SB’s are in blue:
Up All Night
There aren’t many people to choose from yet on this show, but I definitely know who my picks are, so here goes: I would marry Reagan because we are very much alike – we could spend our days driving around in our big sexy sunglasses, and our nights getting sloshed on wine and singing karaoke. I’d fuck Ava’s ex B-Ro, because he’s Jorma Taccone from The Lonely Island and isn’t that enough? Lastly, I’d kill Missy, Ava’s assistant, because she’s annoying as all get out.
B-Ro is an amazing pick, BUT I’m gonna stick to the main three. I would marry Will Arnett because hello, Will Arnett. Although his character would have to get a job. I’d fuck Reagan because hello, girl obviously knows her way around a fantasy, and of course, I would kill Ava because her character is SO GODDAMN ANNOYING. Seriously, I need her off the show.
This is another show with only a handful of characters so far, but again – I’m all set. I’m marrying
Billy Chenowith George, because obviously. I’m gonna kill Dalia, because she’s baby Paris Hilton, and that kind of creature should not be allowed to walk this earth. As for who I’d hit up for a one night stand? No question – Ryan, the ab-tastic neighbor with the amazing ass who wants to have dinner with Scarlett Johannson’s corpse. For legal reasons, let me just say that I am assuming that Ryan is an 18-year-old senior (no pedo), and let’s face it – he could even be 19 or 20. He has to have been held back in school at LEAST once, right? (For the record, the IMDb perv check tells me the actor is 23, so we’re all good! It also tells me he was in a movie called Gingerbread Man 2: The Passion of the Crust, so do with that information what you will.)
Well, shit! Ryan wasn’t even on my list, in spite of the Scarlett Johanssen dead line, until I just heard about Gingerbread Man 2: The Passion of the Crust. Will that joke ever get old for me? Doubt it. My favorite version of it was at a pizza place in Indianapolis, where not only did they have a Passion of the Crust t-shirt, but they also included a pun (that escapes me at the moment) replacing Jesus with “cheeses”. Hee! Also, while trying to find said pun, I discovered that the movie was actually GingerDEAD Man 2. Amazing.
Well, that was a good tangent but now down to business. For fucking, really, I think my only choice is George. But everything I’ve ever seen Jeremy Sisto in (except this), he’s been a total asshole. So I think I’ll go with Tessa. She’s got the lesbian boots to pull it off. I’m going to marry Dallas, since she seems nice, cheerful, and thoughtful, and like she’d probably take care of things so I wouldn’t have to. Killing Dalia is a no-brainer (like her).
This one only had one easy answer for me: I would totally eff Gloria. No question. She’s the kind of woman that makes a girl question herself – I defy ANYONE, male or female, gay or straight, to pass that opportunity up. Not happening. But then…who to marry? I don’t want kids, so Phil is out (because he is like a permachild and also might be suffering from brain trauma). Cam is amazing but WAY too much drama, and Mitchell is often a smug asshole. So, I’m going with Jay. He’s a decent guy, he has an awesome house, he’s got his own company…shit, I sound like Anna Nicole. Moving on…I’d kill Claire. Sorry, Claire, but you annoy me more than everyone else, so bye bye.
My fuck choice? Dylan. I have a thing for musicians and he’s totally stupid, but that doesn’t mean he might not be a savant in the fucking department. In fact, I consider that likely. My marry pick was also tough on this show, but I finally settled on Cam. We’re probably a little too much alike and I’m sure it would all end in tears (buckets and buckets of tears), but we would have fun as we crashed and burned. Kill was much easier–Manny. I hate his fucking guts and he annoys the shit out of me. I wish the show would figure out how to do it for me.
Oh, man. I would marry this entire cast and happily spend the rest of my days taking part in their crazy shenanigans, but this is a SERIOUS game and we have to make the tough choices. So, let’s get the easier choices out of the way first. I’d fuck Brad for sure, especially if he wears his dress/’deep tuck’ polo because he kind of rocked that thing, I gotta say. I’d kill…well, we know it’s a tossup between Dave and Alex right? I mean, they’re great and all, but nobody’s marrying or fucking them with the other four around. So…I guess I’d kill Alex. That way, Penny would have more time to hang with me and we wouldn’t have to watch the slow but inevitable death of Alex’s store any longer. Now here’s where it gets hard(ish). I would marry Penny in a second – we would have a ball, and she wouldn’t have to feel like the crazy cat lady anymore. But, who am I kidding? If there is a life partner for me in this show, it is Max, and I don’t even care that it would be a sexless marriage. I’d happily listen to that amazing Chicago accent for the rest of my life AND I’d have a front row seat to Brax – worth it.
I’m going to split this one into boys and girls, since there’s three of each and that seems fair, right? Boys are easy–fuck Brad, marry Max (he’s SO FUN, I already want to marry him, this game aside), and kill Dave. Sorry, Dave. You’re too neurotic. But if it makes you feel better, I’m going to kill Alex too. I would fuck Jane (Eliza Coupe is my girl crush from WAY back, plus Jane is way too high strung to marry), and marry Penny, who is fun and hilarious, and has an impressive ice cream stash.
Ah, the men of Revenge. How much are we all loving this show right now? And yet…despite the abundance of wang, I’m willing to bet that most of our choices will be similar. Marriage is obviously, obviously Jack. He named his boat after a girl he loved as a KID, and he even adopted her DOG. He’s perfect. Case closed. I’m also pretty sure we’re all picking the same guy to bang too – Daniel. He’s beautiful, he’s kind, and well, how to put this delicately? He’s gonna die soon, so get it while the getting is good, right? Then again, I might be tempted to bang Emily just because she’s hot and SO incredibly badass that I would almost be honored to be a notch on her headboard. As for killing – there are a ton of choices, but I’m going with Victoria’s motherfucker of a husband because he is a class A dickhead and he totally deserves it. He isn’t worthy of being V’s butler, let alone her spouse.
Yeah, Jack for marriage. No further discussion, you covered it all. But my fuck pick is Victoria. You guys, I have noticed that pretty much whenever I get the chance, I choose a villain for fuck. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that’s kind of what the fuck pick is for. And kill? Declan. On a show of evil people, I find him offensive for being such a whiny bitch.
So, hit the comments with your picks – we know you’re dying to! And be sure to come back tomorrow for a huge post, including The Secret Circle, Community, Parks and Rec, and what will no doubt be the most epic battle of them all – The Vampire Diaries (start thinking about that one now – it’s going to be tough).