Marry, Fuck or Kill. Wednesday Shows!

October 12, 2011 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 25 comments

We started off with lots of good options on Monday, and then Tuesday we had to deal with that albatross around (most of) our necks that is Glee. But today we enter the big time you guys. Starting today, and every other day this week, there are killer shows with even more killer options for the game (but be warned: that just makes things more difficult), so I’m going to stop beating around the bush now (that’s what she said?) and just get on with it. As always, my picks are in purple and SB’s are in blue:

Up All Night

There aren’t many people to choose from yet on this show, but I definitely know who my picks are, so here goes: I would marry Reagan because we are very much alike – we could spend our days driving around in our big sexy sunglasses, and our nights getting sloshed on wine and singing karaoke. I’d fuck Ava’s ex B-Ro, because he’s Jorma Taccone from The Lonely Island and isn’t that enough? Lastly, I’d kill Missy, Ava’s assistant, because she’s annoying as all get out.

B-Ro is an amazing pick, BUT I’m gonna stick to the main three. I would marry Will Arnett because hello, Will Arnett. Although his character would have to get a job. I’d fuck Reagan because hello, girl obviously knows her way around a fantasy, and of course, I would kill Ava because her character is SO GODDAMN ANNOYING. Seriously, I need her off the show.

Suburgatory

This is another show with only a handful of characters so far, but again – I’m all set. I’m marrying ~~Billy Chenowith~~ George, because obviously. I’m gonna kill Dalia, because she’s baby Paris Hilton, and that kind of creature should not be allowed to walk this earth. As for who I’d hit up for a one night stand? No question – Ryan, the ab-tastic neighbor with the amazing ass who wants to have dinner with Scarlett Johannson’s corpse. For legal reasons, let me just say that I am assuming that Ryan is an 18-year-old senior (no pedo), and let’s face it – he could even be 19 or 20. He has to have been held back in school at LEAST once, right? (For the record, the IMDb perv check tells me the actor is 23, so we’re all good! It also tells me he was in a movie called Gingerbread Man 2: The Passion of the Crust, so do with that information what you will.)

Well, shit! Ryan wasn’t even on my list, in spite of the Scarlett Johanssen dead line, until I just heard about Gingerbread Man 2: The Passion of the Crust. Will that joke ever get old for me? Doubt it. My favorite version of it was at a pizza place in Indianapolis, where not only did they have a Passion of the Crust t-shirt, but they also included a pun (that escapes me at the moment) replacing Jesus with “cheeses”. Hee! Also, while trying to find said pun, I discovered that the movie was actually GingerDEAD Man 2. Amazing.

Well, that was a good tangent but now down to business. For fucking, really, I think my only choice is George. But everything I’ve ever seen Jeremy Sisto in (except this), he’s been a total asshole. So I think I’ll go with Tessa. She’s got the lesbian boots to pull it off. I’m going to marry Dallas, since she seems nice, cheerful, and thoughtful, and like she’d probably take care of things so I wouldn’t have to. Killing Dalia is a no-brainer (like her).

Modern Family

This one only had one easy answer for me: I would totally eff Gloria. No question. She’s the kind of woman that makes a girl question herself – I defy ANYONE, male or female, gay or straight, to pass that opportunity up. Not happening. But then…who to marry? I don’t want kids, so Phil is out (because he is like a permachild and also might be suffering from brain trauma). Cam is amazing but WAY too much drama, and Mitchell is often a smug asshole. So, I’m going with Jay. He’s a decent guy, he has an awesome house, he’s got his own company…shit, I sound like Anna Nicole. Moving on…I’d kill Claire. Sorry, Claire, but you annoy me more than everyone else, so bye bye.

My fuck choice? Dylan. I have a thing for musicians and he’s totally stupid, but that doesn’t mean he might not be a savant in the fucking department. In fact, I consider that likely. My marry pick was also tough on this show, but I finally settled on Cam. We’re probably a little too much alike and I’m sure it would all end in tears (buckets and buckets of tears), but we would have fun as we crashed and burned. Kill was much easier–Manny. I hate his fucking guts and he annoys the shit out of me. I wish the show would figure out how to do it for me.

Happy Endings

Oh, man. I would marry this entire cast and happily spend the rest of my days taking part in their crazy shenanigans, but this is a SERIOUS game and we have to make the tough choices. So, let’s get the easier choices out of the way first. I’d fuck Brad for sure, especially if he wears his dress/’deep tuck’ polo because he kind of rocked that thing, I gotta say. I’d kill…well, we know it’s a tossup between Dave and Alex right? I mean, they’re great and all, but nobody’s marrying or fucking them with the other four around. So…I guess I’d kill Alex. That way, Penny would have more time to hang with me and we wouldn’t have to watch the slow but inevitable death of Alex’s store any longer. Now here’s where it gets hard(ish). I would marry Penny in a second – we would have a ball, and she wouldn’t have to feel like the crazy cat lady anymore. But, who am I kidding? If there is a life partner for me in this show, it is Max, and I don’t even care that it would be a sexless marriage. I’d happily listen to that amazing Chicago accent for the rest of my life AND I’d have a front row seat to Brax – worth it.

I’m going to split this one into boys and girls, since there’s three of each and that seems fair, right? Boys are easy–fuck Brad, marry Max (he’s SO FUN, I already want to marry him, this game aside), and kill Dave. Sorry, Dave. You’re too neurotic. But if it makes you feel better, I’m going to kill Alex too. I would fuck Jane (Eliza Coupe is my girl crush from WAY back, plus Jane is way too high strung to marry), and marry Penny, who is fun and hilarious, and has an impressive ice cream stash.

Revenge

Ah, the men of Revenge. How much are we all loving this show right now? And yet…despite the abundance of wang, I’m willing to bet that most of our choices will be similar. Marriage is obviously, obviously Jack. He named his boat after a girl he loved as a KID, and he even adopted her DOG. He’s perfect. Case closed. I’m also pretty sure we’re all picking the same guy to bang too – Daniel. He’s beautiful, he’s kind, and well, how to put this delicately? He’s gonna die soon, so get it while the getting is good, right? Then again, I might be tempted to bang Emily just because she’s hot and SO incredibly badass that I would almost be honored to be a notch on her headboard. As for killing – there are a ton of choices, but I’m going with Victoria’s motherfucker of a husband because he is a class A dickhead and he totally deserves it. He isn’t worthy of being V’s butler, let alone her spouse.

Yeah, Jack for marriage. No further discussion, you covered it all. But my fuck pick is Victoria. You guys, I have noticed that pretty much whenever I get the chance, I choose a villain for fuck. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that’s kind of what the fuck pick is for. And kill? Declan. On a show of evil people, I find him offensive for being such a whiny bitch.

So, hit the comments with your picks – we know you’re dying to! And be sure to come back tomorrow for a huge post, including The Secret Circle, Community, Parks and Rec, and what will no doubt be the most epic battle of them all – The Vampire Diaries (start thinking about that one now – it’s going to be tough).

Related posts:^?

Tags: Games, Happy Endings, Modern Family, Revenge, Suburgatory, Up All Night

Anonymous

Two of my favorite shows are on on Wednesdays, so I HAVE to comment here. First of all, though, I don’t watch Suburgatory (I keep forgetting to set my damn DVR! I will remedy that tonight!), but Jeremy Sisto and I go way back, and while he’s usually a little creepy, I saw some clips from last week’s Suburgatory, and he’s totally fuckable and/or marryable. Also, Ryan’s got a nice ass, so he’s on the list too. Are we allowed to alternate?

Modern Family — Oh, god this is a tough one. SB, like you, I too have a THING for musicians (all caps, that’s how serious this thing is), so I might consider Dylan. He’s dumb and normally that’s okay, but he’s almost too dumb. I dunno. It’s a toss-up between him and Gloria, I think. I’ve already declared my undying love and wish to TV-marry Phil, so I’m going to have to go with him. He’s just so sweet, and despite his ridiculousness (something we have in common), he IS successful, and fun to be with. Totally would marry Phil. My other option here would have been Cam, though I think the histrionics would get to me. He’s a fucking riot from afar, but I think I’d pull my hair out if I was married to him. I think I’d kill Mitchell. Or Manny. They’re both just TO MUCH for me to handle. And not in a good way. I just… I don’t really like their scenes.

Happy Endings — EASY. Fuck Brad (come on. The dude can make his pants drop by snapping his fingers), Marry Max (we are soulmates), Kill Alex (do I really need to explain this one?). Again and again.
http://twitter.com/KimberGracie Kimber

Well, the only thing you listed that I watch religiously is Happy Endings. So I’m going to do that one, and add two of my own from the Wednesday Night Crime Dramas.

Happy Endings: I like SB’s idea of splitting girls/boys because seriously, everyone on this show is so fuckable to me. So …
BOYS: fuck Brad (I have a huge crush on his character, and between the polo dress and the fact he can remove his pants with the snap of his fingers? SEXY!), marry Max (because he seems like a great husband), and kill Dave. Hard choice, though, because I like that Dave has his own business, is successful (somewhat), and he’s kinda cute.
GIRLS: fuck Jane (I second SB’s crush on Eliza Coupe), marry Penny (we can be neurotic cat ladies together!!), and kill Alex. Sorry, Alex, but you bring the least to this show.

Criminal Minds:
BOYS: Oh hell, I’d be stupid if I said I’d fuck anyone but Derek Morgan (Shemar Moore) ‘cuz the man is HOT STUFF. I’d marry Spencer Reid because he’s adorable and I think I could rein in his crazy. I’d kill … um … Hotch? That’s a hard choice, because I don’t hate anyone on this cast, but Hotch is always so damn angry.
GIRLS: I’d fuck Emily Prentiss, because I have a mad crush on Paget Brewster, marry Penelope Garcia (because I love her, and think we could make it work!), and kill … um … dammit, can I kill their stupid boss lady, that I can’t remember her name? She’s blonde and she’s a total bitch.

Law & Order: SVU: I’m going to combine boy/girl on this one because there just aren’t enough people that I totally love. I’d fuck Olivia Benson and the new detective Nick Amaro, because threesomes seem fun, and both of them are cute. I’d marry Dr. Huang because he seems nice, well-balanced, and maybe could help me work through some of my “issues”. And I’d totally kill Det Fin in a bloody, slow-to-die way because I can’t stand him or Ice-T’s bad acting.
Lemonade

Modern Family: Marry Phil Dunphy — 1) Because he’s awesome, 2) Because Luke would be my stepson! Fuck Clive Bixby — ‘Nuff said. Kill — Whoever decided to age Lily. I miss the baby version. Or Alex, she just bugs me, and is the least funny of all the kids. (Manny’s schtick gets tiring too, but I at least enjoy his relationship moments with Jay.)

Suburgatory: Marry and Fuck George — I’m liking Jeremy Sisto too much to choose one option for him, plus there’s not too many others to choose from. I guess I’d kill one of the annoying neighbors.Happy Endings: Marry Dave — Because dude can cook (Pacey Points), and who wouldn’t want a 50% stake in Steak Me Home Tonight’s profits? (Plus I’ve been a fan of his since Life on a Stick. Seriously.) Fuck Max — We probably wouldn’t get very far sex-wise, but we could spend the whole night making sweet ’80s/’90s references together and playing MFK with the male celebs we both wish we were sleeping with. Kill — those damn hipsters for not appreciating Penny’s a-mah-zing dance moves, and not dressing up to the ’80s Long Island style Bar Mitzvah themed party, which I would love to go to sometime.

Revenge: Marry Nolan — Just to be a golddigger. Fuck Jack — Because I’m a sucker for flannel. Kill Declan — Because he’s SO annoying, and I much prefer Connor Paolo’s character on Gossip Girl (Eric come back!)
http://twitter.com/ahow628 ahow628

Marlene and I talked about this on the car ride to work this morning. She kept saying “F” instead of “fuck” even though there were no kids in the car. What a prude. Here goes:

Up All Night: M – Will Arnett, F – Christina Applegate, K – Ava. If the idea of two dudes getting married disturbs you, I’ll make Jean (or is it Terry?) my alternate. Or maybe the assistant, she seems like she can annoyingly hold the ship together.

Suburgatory: M – Dallas probably. F – Probably Tessa (perv check – she’s 21), but I’m withholding judgment till Tessa’s mom/George’s ex makes an appearance. K – Dalia, obviously.

Modern Family: M – Claire, F – Gloria, K – smoke detectors. Oh my god, I’m Phil.

Happy Endings: This was the most hotly debated show in the car ride. If I’m going all girls, M – Alex, F – Jane, K – Penny. If I’m going all dudes, M – Max, F – Brad, K – Dave. If I’m going best choice, M Max, F – Jane, K – Dave.
Bethany E. Larson

My Revenge picks are the same!!!! :)
Anonymous

I’ve been sicker than shit and missed the Monday and Tuesday fun, but I’m back (barely) so let’s do this.

Suburgatory: I’m marrying George. There’s no way I’m tapping that once and moving on, sorry. Kill that annoying ass woman that thinks she’s getting with my husband. Back off bitch. Oh and fuck? Hm. I guess the dumb ab-licious guy will do.

Happy Endings: It’s funny how we’re all very much alike in our picks here. Fuck Brad, for obvious and above stated reasons, Marry Penny because we’re totally alike and would have the best time ever, and kill Alex. Because, duh.

Revenge: Marry Jack. UGH. Clearly, he is perfect. Fuck Emily’s dad, David. He was very nice to look at and the actor is Canadian and we all know how quickly my pants drop for actors from my homeland. Kill Declan, just so Jack and I will have no annoying little shits getting in the way of our inevitable happiness.
http://salvatoreboardinghouse.wordpress.com/ cinjudes

I can only do Happy Endings, because although I also watch Modern Family – no. I just can’t. lol

So Fuck – gonna go with Jane. I bet she’d be a wildcat. Marry – Brad. As much as I love Max, I’d totally kill him. Brad is properly whipped. Which is exactly how I like my men. Plus dead sexy. Why only screw him once, right? Kill – Dave. His face was made to be murdered.
http://twitter.com/SafetyStace Stacy Fields

Ok I can finally play, I don’t watch much monday night tv, and tuesday night is trivia so Wednesday is just one big day of TV DVR for me- Buttt that is why wednesdays are my favorite(ill have to go back and discuss Ringer on yesterdays post but um def kill that stupid annoying step daughter).

Criminal Minds:
I agree with everything Kimber said on Criminal Minds because well Kimber you speak the truth and we have an understanding love for Spencer Reid.

Revenge:
I would definitely marry Jack because the man loves his dog and I’m a sucker for the animals. I agree with most of you to kill Declan for being the whiniest bitch ever seriously maybe you would have friends if you were such a little bitch. or Victoria(sorry SB) for being a manipulative bitch and not in a cool revenge Emily Thorn way. I would fuck Nolan just because he would probably give me nice things and then its not like I’m stuck married to the little weasel.
http://twitter.com/onlymystory Melissa Leaman

I have like only two shows to make choices on but damn its difficult to decide. Well Happy Endings is tough, Revenge not so much. I don’t watch Modern Family or Suburgatory (yet) but I’ll just assume I can marry Sisto and fuck him on a regular basis.

Revenge: I’d totally marry Nolan. I really would. I love Jack but Nolan has this thing about him that makes me think if you were the one he loved, he’d be the greatest guy in the world. Plus there’s a little part of me that’s hung up on the first episode where it seems obvious that Jack kills Daniel and I’m like dude it took one summer for you to move to murder? Seriously?! So I’m reserving die hard love for Jack until I see more. However, I will totally fuck Jack for days so he’s got that going for him. I’d kill the new guy, Tyler. I hated him the moment he and his douchebag haircut walked into the party.

Happy Endings: Unlike you all, I have decided to split people into pairs instead of boy/girl. So Brad & Jane together, Penny & Max (she is his stereotypical gay husband) and Dave and Alex. Obviously, Dave & Alex die. I like Alex better than the rest of you but she thinks Raphael is the best ninja turtle and anyone who doesn’t know that its Leonardo is a fucking idiot. I would marry Brad & Jane because they’re awesome and stable so they can provide for me. Penny & Max are my fuck mistresses because yeah they’re fun but I don’t know if I could marry either one.
http://twitter.com/ahow628 ahow628

First of all, I really like Alex but I think it is a guy thing. She is like the new Jennifer Love Hewitt – girls be hatin’, dudes be lovin’.

Second of all, Leonardo? WTF? Michelangelo was way better. One word: Nunchucks.
Stephanie

Michelangelo is where the money is at, duh. Wax on, Wax off. Also a sense of humor is gold money.
Stephanie

Alright so since Wednesday is my night of awesomeness these were hard for me to choose. I mean I kind of want to fuck everyone…except Alex.

First up Ryan Gosling aka Happy Endings: Just know I hate y’all for making me go all Sophie’s Choice on this shit. I mean how can I choose?! Answer: imagine who would look best in moose antlers. No seriously I’m not joking. So here it goes:

Boys: Marry Max b/c if you can reference anything pop culture in any convo you’ve stolen my hear. Fuck Brad b/c he’s my other half of Brax and I could use some good chocolately love. Kill Dave because merely for the fact he’s the Ted Mosby of HE.

Girls: Marry Jane because I love her OCD ass. Fuck Penny b/c she’s obviously desperate for action. Kill Alex. If I have to explain my kill choice here then you don’t read my recaps.

Revenge: Marry Nolan b/c he’s loaded and could take care of me for life. Fuck Amanda because angry revenge sex is hot. Not that I would know but I’ve seen movies. Kill Colonel Mustard in the observatory with the wrench. YES I WANT THIS SHOW TO BECOME CLUE!

Modern Family: Marry Phil!!!! He’s so adorably tragic and lovable. Fuck… well I would say Luke but then I’d get caught by To Catch a Predator so I’ll go Al Bundy just to be safe. Kill the broken step. It’s just dangerous!
http://twitter.com/onlymystory Melissa Leaman

Leonardo had a fucking sword. (And my favorite color is blue). Michelangelo is an easy second place and just barely behind Leonardo but the sword was just too awesome to beat.

I like Alex just not enough to spare her. Unless I kill Derek. That could work.
Anonymous

DRAAAAMMAAAAAAAAA!
Anonymous

OMG, we might have to have a Fuck, Marry, Kill: TMNT Edition to settle this. Who knew?
http://twitter.com/onlymystory Melissa Leaman

Maybe its the oldest sibling in me that loves Leonardo too. My youngest brother and sister got away with everything…kinda like Michelangelo. Also, Leonardo’s the best fighter hands down.

But if we’re playing: Marry Leonardo, Fuck Michelangelo and kill Donatello. His whole let’s solve things with logic and peaceful means was annoying. I like fight scenes.
Anonymous

Marry: Leonardo, Fuck: Michelangelo, Kill: Rafael. I liked Donatello’s smarts. Rafael… something about him just always rubbed me the wrong way.
http://twitter.com/sjopierce SJP

So as I said Michelangelo is my favorite followed by Leonardo BUT if we’re going all FMK on this shit then:

Marry: Donatello because he’s the only one with life skills that can make us money.
Fuck: Michelangelo because as I said he’s fun and adventurous.
Kill: Raphael because he’s just the fucking worst. Causes nothing but trouble for Splinter and the boys.
Nicole

I was never really into TMNT, but my brother was and I definitely had a favorite – Donatello. Smart, peaceful, used a bo staff, and he wore purple. If I’m being honest, I only cared about the color as a kid, and purple was it. But I’m sticking with my choice, because…BO STAFF.
http://twitter.com/ahow628 ahow628

I’m glad we can all agree that Raphael was a petulant douche. Nothing but trouble.

As for FMK, I would marry Michelangelo because he would be kickass to hang out with, I would fuck April O’Neil because bestiality is really not cool guys, and I would kill Bebop and Rocksteady because they were a couple of dumbasses.
http://twitter.com/EllieTheMod Eleanor Palimore

I only watch Revenge on Wednesdays, so here are mine:

Men:

Fuck: Daniel (HOT.)
Marry: Jack (PERFECT.)
Kill: Tyler (UGH.)

Also… I don’t even know WHAT I’d do with Nolan, but it’d be awesome.

Women:

Fuck: Emily
Marry: Charlotte
Kill: Victoria

- Ellie.
http://twitter.com/marlene1009 marlene1009

Up All Night: M – Chris Brinkley. F – Mr. Bob (but not too agressively). K – I wouldn’t kill Ava, because she is just so much fun. I loved her being unable to drive her limo in last night’s ep. So, I guess I would kill Missy. I could really do without her.

Suburgatory: M – Jeremy Sisto. F – Dallas. Did you see her on the pole last night? K – Sheila Shay. Gross.

Modern Family: M – Phil. He reminds me a lot of my husband. In the hilarious eye-rolling way. F – Barry (played by James Marsden – thank God for guest actors). K – Alex, for her smug bitchiness, and for constantly trying to academically beat Sanjay (I have to protect my people)

Happy Endings: M – Max. We’d be great BFFs. F – Brad. K – Dave. V-neck t-shirts and all. But only after he makes me a steak sandwich.

Revenge: M – Emily Thorne. She is so devious and we’d have such amazing “so, how was your day, honey?” conversations. F – Jack, I guess. They need to bring in more hot guys on the show. Daniel is just not cutting it for me. K – most definitely Declan.
http://twitter.com/ahow628 ahow628

“F – Mr. Bob (but not too agressively).”

Was that too masculine?
http://twitter.com/mjw_o Megs

Two days late.. but really this is a tough night of television for me. So lets start with the show that was the most difficult: Happy Endings.

Y’all I love this show more than most things in the world. I would do anything for this show, hell I even had the idea to find one of the make-a-wish kids and bribe them to have their wish be sending myself and Stephanie to set.. But that is a story for another time.

So I think I would have to kill Jane. She is too controlling, type A and meddlesome for me. I mean she isn’t bad, and I guess with an annoying sister like Alex, I’d be like that too… BUT if I HAVE to choose someone, it’d be Jane. I almost chose to kill Dave, but then I remembered that he had a food truck and a dream and I like food and dreams and with a food truck you’d never have to worry about going out to get food since it can come to you! I miss living in a city where you can get most anything delivered almost anytime. The two I narrowed down to whom I would marry were Penny and Brad. Now let me explain: Everyone else just wants to fuck Brad, but if you married him you could fuck him all of the time. He is fun and his bromance with Max makes me happy.. And Penny, well I just dont want her to be all alone for the rest of her life, and her mom seems cool, in-laws are important… BUT Penny’s best friend is Alex, and I really wouldn’t want to put up with that girl being around all of the time or having to like shop at her store and stuff.. So I would marry Brad. I’d fuck derek, just because he is so stereotypical gay, it’d be an interesting experience.

Revenge (my new number one show with my new number one girl crush): I would Marry Emanda, Fuck the Porter boys and Kill Daniel’s little sister. She is an entitled bitch who annoys the piss out of me. At least Victoria is interesting.

Wait, why was Modern Family left off?!?! I’m adding it! Try and stop me. Marry: Mitchell (I like maybe 3 gingers, he is one..) Fuck: Gloria (Her voice would be entertaining) and Kill: NuLily (I’m still bitter).
http://twitter.com/heroine_tv Lucia

I just want you all to know how much I want to marry Penny from HAPPY ENDINGS (she’s a-mah-zing!), hot dad from SUBURGATORY (Rollin’ with the homies …), and Jack from REVENGE (swoon… plus, he’s an orphan who owns A BAR). So much.

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