Marry, Fuck or Kill: Tuesday Shows!

October 11, 2011 in off-color commentary by Nicole | 27 comments

We had a ton of fun with our first MFK post yesterday in which we had a very mature, high-minded discussion with respect to the various characters on Monday night tv and the types of things we might like to do with and/or to them (click here if you missed it!). Today, we continue the fun with Tuesday shows, and there are a few, so let’s get to it (as usual, my comments are in purple while SB’s are in blue):

Glee

Yes, Will - and now you must die.

Well, the ‘F’ part of this one is easy – his nickname even rhymes with fuck – Noah Puckerman and his weird mohawk any day of the week. As for marriage, well, that’s when things get more difficult because almost everyone on this show is either terrible or gay. If I was cool with a sexless marriage, I’d go for Blaine (though his incessant cheeriness might eventually prove problematic), but since I’m not, I’m going to go out on a limb and pick Burt Hummell. Yes, Kurt’s dad. He’s cute, he’s a sweetie pie, he’s a business owner and it would make me Kurt’s (young, ahem) stepmom which I think would be fun. As for kill, I’m going to assume we can’t choose producers, head writers or creators of the show, so I’ll pick Schue. It was a tossup between him and Sue, but honestly I’d get way more joy seeing that curly mop of hair disappear into a lake than I would with Sue, so Will it is.

Oh my GOD, Puck. What an easy pick. He’s the badboy of my fucking (literally) dreams. But you know what? This is such a big cast that I feel the need to make both girl and boy picks. So boys first: Fuck Puck, marry Blaine (I’m good with his cheeriness and a sexless marriage as long as he never stops dancing … EVER–it’ll all be very Once More With Feeling), and kill Shue. DEFINITELY. Girls? Fuck Santana (I KNOW Andy is gonna be on board), marry … oh man. I’m gonna catch some shit for this one, but marry Holly Holiday. I’m not kidding, you guys. I know she’s Gwyneth, but she’s so funny and adventurous and I sort of love her. And even though she’s Gwyneth, she’s not Gwyneth. Not to get too existential on you. And without any doubt in anyone’s mind, kill Rachel. In a VERY bloody and brutal and prolonged way.

New Girl

We haven’t had a lot of time with these characters yet, especially Winston, but at this point it’s easy, right? If you’re into dudes, you’re marrying Nick, hands down. Ever since he moved into a photo booth and then beat the shit out of a cardboard cutout over the tackiness of a cash bar, I’ve been in love. I’d make a sweet night of magic with Schmidt though because he’s hot and he’s vulnerable and he’s kind of a dick – perfect one night stand material. As for kill, I don’t want to kill anyone on the show, but I guess I’ll go with that bitch Caroline for breaking Nick’s heart so badly but wanting to keep him as a backup anyway. Die, Caroline.

Wow, you perfectly summed up why Schmidt is the perfect fuck choice. Nick as the marry isn’t even a discussion, and kill … uugghghhh alright, Jess. I can’t handle hillbilly teeth and hipster glasses, even though she does crack me up … grudgingly.

Ringer

Okay, confession – my comment will be brief because I’ve only seen the pilot and Revenge just seemed like such a better version of this kind of show that I sort of stopped at that point. BUT, I can say without question that I would marry the shit out of whoever Kris Polaha is playing because I love him.

Yeah, I didn’t watch it either, but I already made David swear to weigh in on this so we’d have SOME sort of educated opinion here. Unlike Nicole, I would FUCK the shit out of Kris Polaha and any character he portrays, marry SMG (not the bitchy one), and kill whoever told her that doing this stupid show was a good idea.

Parenthood

To make up for my lack of Ringer insight, I thought I’d cover P-hood instead because there are a lot of candidates for each category here. I went back and forth on who I’d fuck, because Adam, Crosby AND Mark Cyr are all delicious in their own way. But Adam’s wound a little too tight, and Mark is too easy to fall in love with plus he has that weakstache, so Imma hafta pick Crosby. He knows how to do temporary right. I’d kill Jasmine for being such a buzzkill – I know, she has a right to be pissed but at this point when she’s onscreen I feel like I’M getting lectured. Marriage is no question – Joel hasn’t had a ton to do, but from what we’ve seen I know he’s hot, he’s good with his hands, and he’s got a dark, funny streak. Sold.

I quit watching this show around halfway through S2 because it just kept piling up on my DVR and I LIKED it, but apparently not enough. I still cite too much reality as the reason–it reminded me a lot of my family. My marriage choice is Mark Cyr (DREAMY), my fuck choice … totally Joel. He’s vaguely ginger, and I’m INTO that. Plus, handy … you know what I’m sayin’! (Also you know because Nicole basically said it first.) And kill? SO tough, because Max annoys the fucking shit out of me, and Haddie is such a whiny bitch, but ultimately, I have to give it to Camille because she is just the WORST.

Yesterday was super fun because you guys were so awesome and played along, so keep the trend going and hit the comments with your picks. Make sure you come back tomorrow for MFK: Wednesday Edition (Happy Endings and Revenge, you guys!).

Related posts:^?

Tags: Games, Glee, New Girl, Parenthood, Ringer

Lemonade

Glee: Marry Puck — I just love him, and he can be surprisingly mature and sweet. Plus, we can have mohawk babies. Fuck Finn (Huck’s brother, haha) — just cuz he’s the only other straight guy I’m remotely attracted to on this show, and he’s way too wishywashy to be a good husband right now. Kill Will (ha! another unintentionally funny one) — do I really even have to explain this one? Though I love Nicole’s idea to marry Burt, since he really is the best and only perfect character of the bunch. Plus, he was the host of GUTS.

New Girl: Marry Nick — Because Duh! He’s easily my favorite crush from the new shows. Fuck Winston — he seems sweet. Kill Schmidt — I feel bad about this one cuz I like the character, but the only other one I can think of is Jess’s ex, but that just seems too easy.

Ringer: Marry Baze — wait, wrong show? ;) Fuck Henry — the character’s a horrible husband, but it’s Kristoffer Polaha. Need I say more? Kill Matawi — just cuz he’s barely on the show as it is, and I have absolutely no memory of what he looks like.
Anonymous

I don’t actually watch Glee anymore, but I watched Season 2, so I think I’m well-informed enough to play a rousing game of MFK here. Now, I thought about my answers for a good 10 minutes of my commute to work this morning, and I think I’m satisfied with the results. Okay, so, ahem. Fuck – Puck. No question. I mean, come on! It’s the dirty ones who know what they’re doing, right? And we know Puck has lots of practice. Plus he’s cute, and charming in an asshole kind of way, and yeah. Puck. Marry? I’m going to have to go with Blaine on this one. He’s just so sweet and loving. Blaine would bring you breakfast in bed every single day, and would tell you you’re beautiful even when you’re dying of the plague and haven’t been able to get out of bed for 3 days to take a shower. Yeah, so, he may be gay, but why should that stop me? I mean, I still have Puck. Believe it or not, Kill was the hardest to answer. Ooh, there are just too many options. But I can firmly say that I would kill Finn. I would kill Finn and his beady eyes and his stupid, cocky side-grin. And it would be in a very bloody, very painful fashion. And if Rachel, Quinn, Sue, Schue and The Lemur were casualties, then so be it. The more, the merrier.

I don’t watch New Girl, but from what I hear, I don’t want to Fuck or Marry anyone on that show, but I’d kill the New Girl. And I like Zooey Deschanel, usually. But she’s just too goddamn “adorkable” for me to handle it. I feel a murderous rage coming on… Oh, Fiiiiinnnnnn. Come out, come out wherever you are….
http://twitter.com/onlymystory Melissa Leaman

Tuesday just has way too many people to kill. I watch New Girl & gave up on Glee and Ringer awhile ago but I’m still going to vote (naturally). I’m with SB on being behind on Parenthood but I want Joel so yeah.
Parenthood: Marry Joel, Fuck Jason Ritter’s guest character and kill the dad. Can’t fucking stand the dad.
Glee: Fuck Puck, Marry Sam and set several bombs under the school with the intention of killing Kurt but the hopes of killing more.
New Girl: Marry Nick. Duh. Fuck Coach (he was on the show, he counts!) and kill Jess’s oily haired douchebag ex-boyfriend. (I can’t even suggest Caroline for fear it would my Vampire Barbie in danger by proxy).
Ringer: I am only choosing based on my love for the actors but marry Andrew, fuck Victor and kill Siobhan for thinking “shiv” is a good fucking nickname.
However y’all forgot the best show on Tuesday nights, Sons of Anarchy.
I’d marry Chibs because the accent’s hot and he waited decades to get his family back so he’s clearly worth the commitment. Fuck Jax because duh and I’d kill Tige. (I know, I know but he fucking bugs the shit out of me).
http://twitter.com/phouse1964 Patty Housel

Wow. It seems that Tuesday is a barren wasteland of pretty much nothing for me.

I can barely stand Glee anymore and they can pretty much all die.

I love the New Girl and totally agree with ya’lls choices. Except I might marry Jess. So fuck sandwich Schmidt. Nick misses the mark for me. What a pussy. Kill….Damon Wayons for not being on the show anymore!
Anonymous

SOA! I think I’m with you on the Marry/Fuck. I love Chibs, and DUH. Who in their right mind WOULDN’T fuck Jax? But I’d kill Clay. Hands down.
http://salvatoreboardinghouse.wordpress.com/ cinjudes

I quit Glee when they quit giving me my Chord Overstreet. But yeah, Sam Evans for the Fuck & the Marry (screw it, he’s so gorgeous it’s worth the cheat, if I have to have a backup screw I’d go with Mike Chang) & the kill goes to Finn Hudson. So much.

I quit Ringer after 2 episodes because it was bringing me down before THE best show on Tuesday nights: SONS OF ANARCHY!

Here also I have to go with Jax Teller for the Fuck & Marry (although for a backup I’d give Opie a ride) and Clay for the kill.
Nicole

I don’t watch SOA but Jax is Charlie Hunnam, right? Yeah, totally – sign me up for that.
Sjbirdco

Ok I’m just going on glee for now:
Marry: Puck, he is hot and sweet
Fuck: Santana, plus she could be an anniversary gift for me & Puck
Kill: Finn, he has no spine as is so dead wouldn’t make much of a difference.
http://twitter.com/KimberGracie Kimber

Glee: Gee, it’s a hard one because sometimes I can barely stand most of those kids. But if I had to choose (and I’m doing a boy/girl mix-up) I’d fuck Santana, ‘cuz I like her. I’d marry Artie because he seems sweet and I’m sure he’s smart too (glasses + wheelchair = smart robot), and I’d kill Rachel and Mr. Schue in a freak double-accident. That’s allowed, right?

New Girl: Such a hard call, because I have a mad crush on Zooey Deschanel. So I think I’d have to marry Jess, because she seems fun and trustworthy and kinda hot. I’d fuck Schmidt, because he’s awesome and although Nick seems nice, he doesn’t “do it” for me. And I’d kill … New Black Guy. I’m sorry but my racist brain just cannot remember his name. I call him Not Coach.

Ringer: Oh yeah, I’d fuck the hell out of Henry because as a character he’s a douchebag, but he’s oh so hot. Marry … hmm … it doesn’t seem like a lot of the characters on there are trustworthy, but I have a good feeling about Bridget so I’d marry her. Then I’d kill Siobhan, because she seems like the bitch sister.
http://salvatoreboardinghouse.wordpress.com/ cinjudes

Even if SOA wasn’t one of the best shows on TV, which it is, I would advise watching JUST for Hunnam. His hotness on this show is just… Damn.
Stephanie

Is it bad that the only person I’d want to fuck/marry on my Tuesday shows is Jax from SOA?

Everyone else I guess can die especially Will Shuester or however you spell that pedophile’s name.
http://twitter.com/onlymystory Melissa Leaman

The New Girl guy is Winston but I think Not!Coach is a better nickname. Why can’t Damon Wayans Jr just film two shows?!
http://twitter.com/Dayna_Barter Dayna Barter

Glee: I’m going to go with Marry: Burt. He’s a nice guy, and I wouldn’t go to jail for statutory or anything. Fuck: Mike Chang. Boy’s got MOVES. Kill: Will. ’Nuff said.
http://twitter.com/mjw_o Megs

Parenthood: Kill Haddie, for the hair alone. Marry Joel, because come on SAM FUCKING JAEGER is sexy as hell. Marry Sarah, because well, its Lorelai Gilmore!!

Glee: Put the entire cast (sans the hot asian) in one of those hitler gas shower chamber thingy.. too much? I think not.

SOA: Fuck Gemma. Marry Jax and kill the new state cop guy…

I stopped watching Ringer, for obvious reasons, but Marry whomever Blaze from Nicoles favorite show, Life Unexpected, plays, Fuck the HELL out of SMG and kill whomever y’all think is most annoying..

I am also adding NCIS: Marry Ziva, Fuck Tony, Kill Vance.

New Girl is a tough one.. Can I have an orgy with The pilot cast, kill the guy that replaced coach (because then he would have come back, right??) and kill the ex boyfriend.

Tomorrow’s will be tough: Happy Endings will be the death of me.. trying to choose someone to kill out of them… will be impossible. I mean hell, this one took me ALL day!
http://twitter.com/mjw_o Megs

How can you hate on Craig T. Nelson?!?!! He is the original Coach!!!! Every week I watch and think “I want a hug from Craig T. Nelson”!
http://twitter.com/mjw_o Megs

He could film both, he is just selfish.. or the studios wont let him… I think its selfishness
http://twitter.com/onlymystory Melissa Leaman

Because his character on the show is like my dad and I hate my dad. It’s pretty simple.
http://twitter.com/KimberGracie Kimber

HA! Can I help you plan those bombs beneath McKinley High? Great answer.
http://twitter.com/KimberGracie Kimber

It is so wrong. He owns my heart as Brad on Happy Endings, but I seriously loved him as Coach too. In just ONE episode! He definitely needs to figure out a way to do both shows. Please!
http://twitter.com/KimberGracie Kimber

I love your idea of the orgy with the pilot cast of New Girl. Yes please! And don’t mention Happy Endings, I may choose to kill myself just to spare that talented bunch of kids. But not before using your orgy idea with all of them…
DLW

Okay, here’s my FMK for Ringer, as promised:

F – Siobhan, especially in the dress from last week
M – Gemma, because I can cheat on her with Siobhan and she’ll never suspect it
K – I’d kill myself, because I’ve had to watch every episode of Ringer so far.
http://twitter.com/onlymystory Melissa Leaman

I’ve already figured out tomorrow with Happy Endings. We’re going to kill Alex & Dave, move to Utah with the rest, everyone will get married and have orgies every day.
http://twitter.com/ahow628 ahow628

So no one is going to bring up Biggest Loser? M – Allie, F – Anna Kournikova, K – Everyone on the Blue team.
http://twitter.com/marlene1009 marlene1009

So sorry I’m late to the party – I don’t watch anything on Mondays (at least I don’t think I do – DVR takes away from knowing when anything actually airs), so I think this is a good place for me to start:

Parenthood: M – Adam. I know he’s super high-strung, but I totally associate myself with a lot of Kristina’s neurotic tendencies, so if they make it work, I’m sure we could, too. F – DEFINITELY JOHN CORBETT (uh, i mean Seth). No question. K – Joel. Especially after he was so lukewarm about the whole “Julia buying the barista’s baby” thing.

New Girl: M – Nick. For all the same reasons as everyone else. F – Schmitty. K – Jess’s ex-boyfriend. What a jerk, especially after he wouldn’t give her back her sandwich t-shirt (I think that’s what it was).

Biggest Loser: M – Anna Kournikova, because she’s so nice and has hilarious Russian sayings that don’t translate well to English. F – Dolvett. Yeah. K – BOB. He is just way too much.
http://twitter.com/mjw_o Megs

daddy issues, got it.
http://twitter.com/marlene1009 marlene1009

Even though it’s in between seasons, I’m pretty sure that PLL is a Tuesday night show (again, DVR blurs the TV schedule so much!). I have to confess that I reread a few of Nicole’s show recaps (which are still so hilarious the second time around!) because I couldn’t really remember a number of the characters’ names.

M – Caleb, because I’m pretty sure he’s one of the few guys on the show that I wouldn’t be worried about killing me in my sleep. F – I wavered between Wren (Ren?) and Jason DiLaurentis for about 5 seconds before I realized that it is most definitely Jason (the Drew Van Acker, NOT the Parker Bagley version, in case anyone needed clarification) for me.

As for K – i really wouldn’t mind if Aria, Toby and Aria’s dad (Byron?) just so happened to be in the same house together and it went up in flames.

Okay, PLL fans – it’s time to really examine that undying love for Hannah I know you all have and make the decision between M or F for her!
http://twitter.com/ahow628 ahow628

The only way I would comment on FMK for PLL is if I’m allowed to wear the PedoBear costume.

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