Let’s just get this out of the way, right now, first thing.  I fucking LOVED this episode.  I don’t know if I’ve ever told you guys this, but I usually kind of half watch something else while I’m writing these posts, like something I’m not SUPER interested in or something Billy is totally unwilling to watch with me (since he’s always in bed by the time I start recapping), but tonight, there is so much to talk about that I can’t watch something I haven’t seen before because I need to focus.  (Well, I am watching Road House and yes, I get totally distracted by the extraordinary sexiness of Sam Elliott any time he’s on screen, but you REALLY can’t hold that against me.  I mean … SERIOUSLY.  He is the Original (like on TVD!) The Sex™.)

Okay, so the show opens up on OH MY GOD CHICAGO SCENERY PORN!  The skyline!  The train!  Big buildings!  Busy streets!  Buses!  Day drinking!  You know, the staples!  No seriously, day drinking is a Chicago staple (hello, you don’t have to drive anywhere, so it’s the obvious choice), and Klaus and Stefan are doing it like pros, what with Klaus all tucking his wine bottle under his arm and lounging in a public place.  I LOVE IT.

You know how last week I said there was no way they were really filming in Chicago because they would all be at least fifteen pounds fatter from all the delicious, perfect food?  Well, I kind of wonder if I was wrong on that.  Yeah, I know that they could’ve easily used stock footage (and probably did), but there was a shot where Stefan was leaving a building and you could see this thing on the building … I have no idea what in the hell it is, but I’ve never seen them anywhere else.  They look like forked pipes with covers on the front.  It’s a terrible description, but I’m hoping a past or present Chicagoan (Andy? That Bitch Amy? Safi?) will know what I’m talking about and tell me what they are.  Anyway, that really got me suspicious that they were actually there, and then I spent a few minutes thinking, if they were there, how did they not eat all the EVERYTHING? All of it!  Everything!  And then I wondered … is it possible that TVD is SO GOOD at detail that they managed to incorporate that one tiny little thing and completely trick me?  And the answer is yes.  In the past three seasons, there have been several mindfucks, and yet … have any hung me up as much as this?

Also, is anyone still reading, or did I just bore you out of your minds?

Okay, so Stefan leaves Klaus and Rebekah (I switched to this spelling, against IMDB’s listing, because I consider vampire-diaries.net the authority on the subject, and that’s what they went with) and immediately sees Katherine across the street, lurking behind a bus.  You guys … all I’m saying is, she’s lucky she’s so pretty because that shit is creepy and totally psycho stalker, all popping up everywhere and just staring.  It’s getting all Swimfan up in this bitch!

So anyway, she starts trying to get into Stefan’s business, but he’s having none of it.  She breaks down the Klaus/Rebekah/Stefan trio’s dynamic accurately and in short order, and tells Stefan that Klaus doesn’t trust him but Rebekah is still in love with him, so to buddy up with Klaus to make Rebekah feel left out and want him more.  So basically, Katherine tells Stefan to be her.  She says he’s not diabolical enough to pull off a plan to foil Klaus and I guess tries to get Stefan to accept her as his partner in crime by calling him stupid?  Katherine, you’re better than this.

Or is she?  I think we may be seeing that we’re coming to the end of Katherine’s arsenal.  I mean, sure, she’s a master manipulator, and she’s utterly ruthless, and she basically wrote the book on survival (I would bet on her in a room full of cockroaches and Bear Grylls, no shit), but as far as her tactics go, she’s done basically the same thing for centuries–she finds men that can give her what she wants, uses her feminine wiles to reach the goal, and discards them until they can benefit her later.  I mean, it’s not a COMPLICATED method, but if it works, it really doesn’t have to be.

I think that’s why she’s getting weird with Stefan–her tactics have always worked, but he’s over it.  He sees through her and he’s not conceding, and she doesn’t know what to do with that.  It’s throwing her off her game, and making her seem–very slightly, and subtly–more vulnerable.  The thing I still don’t know is … what’s her end game?  She doesn’t do anything without a reason, so I’m very curious.

There’s so much going on with this story that it’s kind of hard to sort it all out, even though it was just the right amount of complicated but not convoluted.  Basically, Klaus is REALLY wanting that necklace, and he’s trying to get Gloria to locate it.  Gloria holds hands with Rebekah, sees that it’s with girls who are talking about Stefan, doesn’t want to give up the info to Klaus, and basically tells Stefan to give her the necklace or she’ll tell Klaus that he’s holding out on her.  Stefan does the reasonable vampire thing and tries to kill her, but he’s not quick enough and winds up pinned to a table (by magic!), all stretched out like Jesus (symbolic?).  What follows?  Is GROSS.  Like, worthy-of-Supernatural gross.  Gloria slits Stefan’s wrists, rigs them up somehow so they aren’t healing and he’s bleeding out into some bowls on the floor.  And then she rubs some herbs, including witch hazel (!) and vervain, on her hands and feels Stefan up puts her hands on his chest with the Vics Vap-O-Rub of Torture™, and tries to pull the info from his brain.  Stefan is mentally tough and holds her off for awhile, but her voodoo (more of that, please!) is stronger and she does get the info from him.

Now, what happens next is a fine example of something that I would rip into on a worse show or even a slower episode because it was all just a little TOO convenient, but I am going to forgive it here because all of the other awesomeness just really outweighs it, and they do have to find ways to keep their story moving.  Okay?  But anyway, Gloria figures all this out, says out loud to Stefan that the girl he’s in love with has the necklace, that she’s the doppelganger, and she’s not dead, and that’s why Klaus can’t make his hybrid army.  And as soon as she finishes her exposition fairy duties, Katherine (who now knows everything) pops up behind her (SWIMFAN) and kills her.  I guess she thinks this might be her ticket onto Team Diabolical Stefan, but he tells her to piss off and that he’s ridin’ solo, and all of this happens as he wraps Gloria’s body up in a rug and SERIOUSLY?  Where does he think he’s GOING with it?

Actually, that’s not even a plot issue.  While Billy and I were there, the superintendent of the Chicago public schools was found dead floating in the river, very shady, and they deemed it a “suicide”.  So if you’re just gonna roam the streets with a body and a flimsy excuse, Chicago really is the right city.

From here, Stefan and Katherine diverge.  We’ll get back to Katherine, but let’s finish up with Stefan.  He went sniffing around the Originals’ coffins, and I thought for a minute that the Salvatore Boarding House gang was about to get their fondest hashtag wish of #pullthedaggerout and Elijah would come back to life to join Team Diabolical Stefan, because how sexy would that be?  SO SEXY.  (Also, I love the real life twitter bromance of those two.)  But instead, Rebekah wandered in and blue balled that fantasy, so Stefan switched tactics and started asking who was after them.  She gets a little cagey about it because Klaus would NOT be cool with this conversation, so Stefan looks all deeply and soulfully into her eyes, and he’s like, “Oh yeah, don’t worry about it at all!  I was just chatting with you!” And then he smiles a little bit and Rebekah looks like she might cave, but instead switches gears and asks about Elena, and if Stefan thinks he’ll ever love anyone as much as he loved her, and he said maybe someday, and they kiss but it’s not hot.  And again, THIS SHOW.  They can make kissing SO TOTALLY FUCKING HOT or not hot at will.  That is some seriously powerful shit to be able to harness!

Back to the not hot kissing.  Rebekah instantly knows that something’s up, because “if you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss (that’s where it is!)” and it is so NOT in his kiss.  So when Klaus walks in (again, perfectly timed), she previews the crazy that has been foreshadowed and like, TATTLES on Stefan to Klaus.  She says something is up and that he’s lying about something and is asking about Michael.  Klaus, who has been pretty dark most of this episode, turns super fucking scary and flies at Stefan.  The screen goes dark and I am CONVINCED that this is going to be the end of the episode, since these bitches just looooove giving me a heart attack.  But the title card doesn’t show up, and I realize there’s a little more left.  Yay!  One more heart attack to go, MINIMUM!

And oh yes, Stefan wakes up with Klaus standing over him and he’s still surrounded by coffins (and can we pause to once again point out how weird this whole Klaus/coffin thing is?), and Klaus tells him, in calm, semi-charming sociopath Klaus fashion, that he knows he’s holding out on him and that they’re going back to Mystic Falls to sort it all out.  And he opens the door and BOOM, they’re there.  Stefan’s back!  Quick, someone throw a town-wide party with period costumes!

Alright.  So CLEARLY, that was the main plot tonight.  But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t all KINDS of fucked up shit happening in Mystic Falls (hello, always), and most of that was connected, at least loosely.  So I’ll try to make it make sense as best I can, but obviously this is so not chronological.

Let’s start with Jeremy, since his story was the most insular.  Bonnie came back this episode and told Jeremy that the witches had cut her off for fucking with the natural order.  Yes, that’s right–she pissed them off and they’re totally not talking to her.  Ooohhh snap, except … not really.  If I were Bonnie, I’d be like, GOOD!  You were creepy anyway!  Consequences?  HA!  I laugh in the face of your consequences!

Meanwhile, the REAL consequences are happening without her even knowing.  Jeremy is able to have extensive contact with Anna finally, and we learn a little more about what her after(after)life is like.  She’s all alone, and she’s around all the time but no one can see or hear her, but basically, she and Jeremy can make contact when they’re both trying to.

You guys, I really liked Anna and I was really sorry to see her go, so it’s really good to have her back.  This part of the story … I don’t know, I just feel like this particular story is SO GOOD, and so original.  My whole thing is just that I don’t know how much I trust it.  I want to.  I could see Vicki being dark, or something dark posing as Vicki, but it would be more devious if Anna was the dark one who was lying/lighting shit on fire.  I mean, the scene at the end where she was crying out for Jeremy made it seem like she was Anna, and it broke my heart for him to shut her out, but … a couple of things on this.  The first one is, all of the sneaking around to talk to Anna DID feel a little like cheating, right?  Which was weird, since they couldn’t really touch at first.  But there was just that chemistry, and the emotional intimacy, and the sneaking around, and it all added to the effect.  And Jeremy must’ve felt the same about it, because he did end up telling Bonnie about it.  The second thing is … I’ve been a Supernatural watcher for way too long to not know that you shouldn’t bring people back from the dead AND that there’s a reason that the living and dead are separated.  That said … don’t hate me for wondering a little if Jeremy made the wrong decision in choosing Bonnie.  I know!  Maybe this will be the season I come back around on her.  Maybe.

Speaking of Bonnie, her big return was when Caroline brought her over to Elena’s house, and it was all reminiscent of The Slumber Party™, which of course we all loved.  But I guess since they’ve spent more time together with Bonnie gone for the summer, and since Bonnie hadn’t seen Jeremy all summer and they needed to catch up on fucking like rabbits reading grimoires (seriously, WTF), Caroline and Elena seem closer and Caroline kept asking Elena questions about her boy troubles and making her talk about Damon.

Which brings us to Damon and Elena.  Oh, you guys.  They’ve been hanging out more since Damon is trying to make sure Elena doesn’t have a nervous breakdown, and their relationship is turning lighter and more flirtatious.  Caroline is asking questions like a girlfriend, but Alaric sees it too and is concerned.  He wants Damon to back off a little, but telling Damon to “take a beat” is basically like … well, it’s essentially the same as how underage drinking is super fun and the second you turn 21, you’re like, whatever!  (Well, maybe not ENTIRELY whatever, but you know.)  So instead of reacting to this like a normal person, either considering taking a beat or just telling Alaric to piss off, Damon snaps Alaric’s neck.  Sigh.  However, I DO think he checked first to make sure he was wearing the ring, so … Damon is growing as a person, question mark?

While Alaric is out of the way, Damon goes to “take care of” Caroline’s dad.  I assume this means he’s going to kill him, but he says he’s not going to, but he’s ACTING like he’s going to … I’m very confused about the intentions at this point, but it ends up being moot because Caroline busts in and just fucking beats the shit out of Damon, which is impressive because, as he pointed out, he’s stronger.  But as SHE pointed out, she’s more pissed off, and EVERYONE knows that wins.

Now, a couple points I’ve missed here, that we should go back to.  Earlier in the episode, Lizbian has Bill pinned down in the Forbes’ vampire torture chamber waiting for vervain to leave his system.  Damon checks and yup, it’s good and out of there, and compels him.  Or so he thinks!  As it turns out, Bill has trained himself to resist compulsion just with the power of his mind!  That’s pretty cool, you guys.  Also, Damon defends Caroline to Bill, and it’s actually really sweet in a very Damon way.  The other thing I haven’t mentioned is that when Caroline walked in on Damon chomping on her dad like a super rare prime rib, she made her dad drink her blood to heal.  I loved it–her telling him to grow up was PRICELESS.  So he currently has her blood in his system … do we think that’ll come back around?  Don’t kid yourself–EVERYTHING on this show comes back around.  That’s why it’s amazing.

So later, Caroline sees her dad at one of the zillion town parties (also, why does the council need a party as an excuse to meet?  Is that really a cover, or just conspicuous that the same bunch of people always disappear at the same time from every party?) and goes up to Tyler’s room to hide out.  When he comes in after football practice, they have THE MOST ADORABLE SCENE EVER OH MAH GAAAAH, and argue about whether he stinks or smells sexy from sweat (I’m gonna go with Caroline on this one–football sweat is one of the rankest sweats), and then there is some stripping and making out, before Elena interrupts them with her magical powers of cockblock.

I confess at this point that I am getting really tired and things are starting to float together in my brain, but at some point, the following events happen in some order.  (God, why do you guys even keep coming back to read these posts?  But thank you, I love you!  I can count to potato!)  Bill tries to take over the Founders’ Council (this is before the Caroline kicking Damon’s ass for kicking Bill’s ass scene, because this is how we find out he wasn’t compelled).  Damon, appropriately, literally wakes Alcoholaric from the dead by shaking a rocks glass full of morning liquor (oh yes, that’s a thing) in his ear.  Alaric is understandably pissed about Damon killing him, but you guys … this can’t be the end of the bromance!  I will DIE!  But okay, so then Alaric goes to Lizbian and Sheriff Forbes and demands the Gilbert seat on the council.  They’re like, you’re not a Gilbert, it doesn’t work like that, blah blah blah!  And he’s like, well, you bitches have supernatural kids and no one’s looking out for the humans in the town, and by the way, I am taking care of the Gilbert kids, so shut the fuck up and give me my goddamn seat!  And that was that, and it was generally pretty badass, and I like where this is going.

Alright, as if this whole post wasn’t already all over the place, most of the rest is just going to be my random thoughts that I forgot to stick in, so as Andy would say, strap yourself in and feel the G’s.  Let’s do this.

• Damon actually made reference to the gay/vampire connection in this episode.  Yay!  I like feeling like I’m on the same page with the show.  He said something about Caroline’s dad not approving of her lifestyle, and later made the comment used in the title.  Amazing.
• Damon’s Uncle Jesse mullet was back, and especially visible from the back.  Hair people on set?  Little help?
• Continuing on the topic of Damon, he’s pissed that everyone is trying to turn him into Stefan.  I agree, they kind of are, but I think it’s natural since they miss Stefan and the balance is kind of thrown off.  But they’re also just trying to get Damon to do stuff like, you know, NOT kill his bestie.
• Tyler offering to kick Caroline’s dad’s ass for her … it made me laugh but it was also just really sweet.  You guys, when I went to college, my brother and I weren’t really that close, and he later went to a different college a couple hours away, but his best friend, who we grew up with, went to my school.  So one day I was talking to my brother on instant messenger, and there was just some small talk or whatever, and then he goes, “So, need me to kick anyone’s ass?” and I was like, “No, I’m good.  Thanks, though.”  And it made me laugh, but whatever.  So maybe like a week or two after, I run into my brother’s best friend walking through the main road on campus.  We saw each other and I was like, “Hey, what’s up!” and he goes, “Not much!  Need me to kick anyone’s ass?”  And I was like, “Nope, I’m alright!”  You guys … they HADN’T EVEN TALKED ABOUT IT.  And it was like … well, that’s how they express their love, I guess!  So tonight when I saw it on TVD, a guy about that same age doing the exact same thing as sort of a joke but also kind of serious, as maybe the only solution he could really get his head around, it made me really nostalgic but also?  I love the weirdly realistic touches on this show and that just struck me as one of them.