OH MAN.  I didn’t know much about this episode going in, just that it had 20′s flashbacks and was in Chicago, and you guys, I SWEAR that my heart beats faster for Chicago scenery porn than for any shirtless boy on this show.  As most of you know, I moved from Chicago to Tampa (and over the weekend, St. Pete!), and I miss it MAJORLY.  But I think once I finish school, I can convince Billy to go back based on the meat cupcakes shop that we saw on the Food Network.

Man, that day had like a zillion shows in a row about Chicago food, and it made me the homesickest (totally a word) I’d been in a long time, because hell yes, if I’d been there I would’ve immediately thrown on like four layers of clothes and a winter coat and boots and a hat and gloves covered with mittens and taken my ass to get a piece of Fat Elvis Pie!  Instead, I was sweating balls in Florida, surrounded by my own poverty and like a box of macaroni and cheese and no milk with which to make it.  What are ya gonna do?

Anyway, there wasn’t much in the way of actual Chicago porn, aside from calling it the Windy City, an Oprah reference, and a couple shots of the skyline.  OH, and that bus at the end was definitely at least painted to look like a CTA bus.  Does anyone know, did they do any actual filming there?  Eh, probably not … the food is so awesome there that everyone would’ve looked at least fifteen pounds heavier, so we would know.

Alright, it’s out of my system.  Let’s get to it.

The flashbacks started with Stefan doing the old fuck ‘n’ suck (blood, you pervs), and I have to say, I really enjoyed the non-civil war era flashback.  I hope we get more of those from different areas, because I feel like that gives some perspective on how old these people actually are.  Also, flapper dresses are SO much better than corsets, and you know what’s better than flapper dresses?  80′S BANGS.  Let’s do this.  And speaking of hair … Stefan wears a wig in all these flashbacks, right?  And my question is … why?  It’s so weird in the back whenever he has it on.  I mean, I just feel like it wouldn’t that hard to just slick Stefan’s hair back with a side part and give the wig maker a pink slip the day off, right?  It’s just so distracting, and sort of oddly red, and basically just … wigging me out.  (You’re welcome.)

And on the subject of things that I find totally fucking strange, oh my god.  I don’t even know where to start on this.  But as soon as I saw the black lounge singer, I was like, “Oh, she must be a witch.”  WHY ARE ALL THE WITCHES BLACK PEOPLE, AND ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE ARE WITCHES?   This is driving me insane, and I just feel like by S3, there should be SOME sort of explanation out there about this AND THERE’S NOT.  We’re all looking for it!  The collective Twitter conscience would know!  And so, from now on, whenever people get on Twitter like, “Whooooo has questions for Julie Plec (or Kevin Williamson, or ANYONE), I think that we all need to make a pact right now that the only question we ask is HEY TVD, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE BLACK WITCHES? until we get a goddamn answer!

Oh, and in case you were wondering?  Yup, she was totally a witch.

Okay, so as the episode goes on, here’s what goes down in the flashback with Stefan and Klaus, who used to go by Nick, which … DOES seem more 1920′s, and yet also seems much less … KLAUS.  Stefan is scolded, sassed, and seduced by a hot blonde vampire who is played by none other than PLL’s Samara!  Worlds colliding, y’all!  Klaus gets all weirdly territorial about his sister (and I start to wonder how soon before people start jumping off the Klefan ship and onto the Rebeklaus ship), but then he and Stefan get drunk and become bros over Stefan making some (human) dude drink his own wife’s blood.  Um, that is some sick shit, so props, TVD!  And then someone busts in and starts showering the club speakeasy with bullets … WOODEN BULLETS!  Dun dun duuuuun!  There’s chaos and people running around, and Klaus and Rebecca go to make a getaway but she hesitates and Klaus tells her to choose him or Stefan.  She chooses Stefan, so he daggers her!  And then he compels Stefan to forget about him and Rebecca until he says he can remember.  OH!  And during all of this, Rebecca drops her necklace, which is picked up by Stefan, who is being watched by KATHERINE, who is lurking in the shadows (as she does), and it’s TOTALLY THE NECKLACE STEFAN GAVE ELENA!  Guys!  I just got a continuity boner!

AND THEN!  Balthasar from Supernatural shows up!  He’s a Chicago cop in the 20′s, but regardless of the era, he’s no doubt totally corrupt.  And he’s also totally looking for Klaus and Rebecca.  So who IS he?  A brother?  An actual human cop?  Something else entirely?  Who knows?

Also, can I pause at this moment to say that the show is introducing new characters at a MUCH more manageable rate this season?  I mean, last season was good, but this season definitely ironed out the kinks and is super bitchin.

In the present, Stefan has surmised that Klaus was running because someone is after him that he’s scared of.  FASCINATING.  Also in the present, Damon has started calling Klaus “honey” and I DIE.  HoYay!  You know what I really liked, though?  How Klaus and Damon were talking, and they both kept kind of laughing but they were also being really snarky and also menacing underneath it all?  It totally reminded me of that scene on the bleachers in Sixteen Candles (one of the greatest movies of all time, for the record), where everyone is kind of laughing about Farmer Fred/Farmer Ted, and then the friend is like, “Can I be honest with you?  Get the hell out of here!” and then Ted laughs, and her stereotypically 80′s boyfriend goes, “She’s totally serious, asswipe!  Beat it!”  Something about laughing but serious fights really hits my sweet spot.

Also in the present, Stefan and Elena met up silently in his closet with his wall full of murder victims (AWWWK-WARD!), and their scene of just looking at each other was SO good, and so beautiful, and just very impressive.  But then later they met up in the alley and Stefan good and truly dumped Elena.  And it wasn’t because he didn’t love her, but it was definitely for real and I think she knew it.  Stefan told her that things would never be the same.  He knows she doesn’t want to be a vampire, and he knows that it’ll take him a long, long time to come back from this, and he won’t have Lexi to help him this time.  I do get it, you know?  Stefan is being practical about this, but he’s also self-loathing martyr Stefan, and I think that he wants Elena to move on now and forget about him so she can just get on with her life already.  He’s trying to hurt her now to spare her more pain, and that’s all consistent with his character.  I feel bad for Elena, but really, I feel worse for Stefan.  He’s a glutton for punishment, y’all.

But things did take kind of a weird turn.  Okay, let’s get back to Gloria, the lounge singer/witch.  She’s found a witchy way to slow down the aging process, so she’s looking pretty foxy.  Klaus tracked her down to see about his hybrid problem, and she said that Rebecca has something that she needs and she’d know what it was.  When Rebecca wakes up, needless to say, she’s pissed at Klaus and daggers him, which does nothing, of course.    He gives her Stefan as a peace offering and asks her about what Gloria needs to contact the original witch (yay, new mythology!), and it’s the necklace, which needless to say is not there.  She flips her shit coffin and flips the fuck out.  And Klaus is also not pleased.  But Stefan has been given his memories of Klaus and Rebecca back, and he now seems fond of Klaus and maybe a little … enticed? by Rebecca.  And I guess my main question is … isn’t he supposedly all in love with Elena now, and didn’t he know Rebecca for literally A NIGHT?  Or did I miss something?  Because if it was more than one night, she needs more dresses.  But I think I’m right on this one.

Anyway, this story ends for the night with Damon driving Elena off into the night, wearing her Rebecca’s necklace, and the reveal that Katherine is, of course, in Chicago RIGHT NOW.  Also … I just feel like there’s gotta be more awesome ways of getting around for a vampire than taking a cab, but I do hear Chicago just got a cash cab, so maybe Katherine’s hoping to get lucky.

That was almost all of the episode, but there was one small B-plot (small only in terms of time, not in terms of awesomesauce), and that was of Caroline’s dad trying to condition her into not being a vampire.  I mean, I guess it’s nice that her dad loves her enough to not just kill her outright, but … he had to know that wasn’t going to work, right?  I mean … ?  Thankfully, my Caroline lived to see another day, thanks to the amazingness of our boy Tyler and his beautiful, slightly wild animal hair.  He showed up at Caroline’s house to get her mom involved.  And you guys?  I was actually excited about the return of Lizbian!  I can’t get over how much she and Caroline really do look like actual mother and daughter, and I love how far they’ve come.

Here’s my question, though.  Does this whole thing with Caroline and her dad seem like a gay allegory to anyone else?  He’s trying to fix her, and condition out of her what he thinks is “wrong” with her, even though she’s fine with it and happy with herself.  She’s trying to get her dad to accept her, and he’s torturing her but he thinks it’s the right thing, and meanwhile, her mom had a hard time with it at first but came around and now you can tell she’s tempted to want to behave like Caroline’s dad because obviously she doesn’t WANT Caroline to be a vampire, but she knows it won’t work and Caroline is more important to her than the stupid vampire thing, which is actually, as it turns out, not that big a deal (except that it made Caroline even MORE awesome).  I just find it interesting, given that this show has no openly gay characters, except Caroline’s dad, of course, who is outmanning almost everyone on this show except her mom just with his essence.  And I am taken back to my future BFF Price Peterson‘s observation on last year’s IHVD radio roundtable that this is the gayest show on TV without any actual gay people.

But anyway.  I love Caroline so much, and I just think Candice Accola is amazing, and I love her and Tyler together.  I mean, when he showed up in her doorway, even my BOYFRIEND was like, “I like him,” and I was like, “Giiiiiirl, join the club.”  But I loved how the first thing he said to her was, “Is this a good time to give you crap about sneaking out of my house?”  Hee!  So glad he didn’t let her off the hook for that one, and I loved how she laughed and started crying.  She’s so able to be herself with him, and they’re just so perfect together.  But then, everyone is perfect with Caroline.

I’m going to need for Candice Accola to become a mega star and like, go to Disneyland with Ryan Gosling and be on the cover of Star Magazine and adopt a baby and name it something weird and shit.  She’s too awesome to NOT be a superstar.

Alright, that’s it for me.  What did you guys think?  Favorite lines, favorite moments, anything I forgot?  Why do YOU think all the witches gotta be black?  And what flashback era do you most want to see?  Get thee to the comments, and remember, comments are blogger currency!  And you guys heard my sad macaroni and cheese story, so don’t leave me hanging–shower me with comment love and don’t hold back!  MAKE IT RAIN, BITCHES!